If you have a perfect relationship, is it worth having kids?

[karmasacat]

I’m just thinking and wondering if other people have opinions on this. Knowing how much kids can impact a marriage (even children who are neurotypical, good sleepers etc.), would you say that if you have a very happy, very strong marriage where both of you are perfectly happy with each other then it’s not worth the risk of adding children?

Talking to a friend about this - her and her husband are the happiest couple I know. They’re unbelievably in love and have such a strong marriage. I really didn’t believe couples like them existed until I met her! Now they’re considering children but both are worried about damaging their incredibly happy relationship with each other, so many people say it ruined their marriage it’s really put her off. Anyway, any thoughts?

@WhatToDoAboutTheNosys You nailed it 👏 its the strong want. Everyone wants differs mine would be a child each and every time even as a single mum every time too.

I’m in a very happy marriage and we’re currently expecting our first child. Never even occurred to me that this was a reason to not have kids? We both want kids so that’s what we’ve done.

I know lots of people now in their 50s who divorce or coast through their marriages who had children when they were in strong relationships had great years of holidays and birthdays as a family and then slowly it crept up on them that their marriages had centred so strongly around the children there wasn't much between them. I have three friends that are couples and have great marriages, two never had children and one did...they have been together roughly 25-30 years each. I would focus on whether you really want children...

"didn't" not did

Many people want more than superficial "fun times" in life though...

@harerunner

We don't consider travel, building our small business, volunteering, enjoying and caring for pets, gardening, socializing, and enriching learning experiences to be "superficial," but to each her own.

Depends what they think makes their relationship perfect. If it's long leisurely lie ins, plentiful sex, lots of travel, eating out...then no they might struggle with the impact of kids on those activities. If it's perfect because they support each other, have similar ethics and life views, enjoy time together even doing mundane things and communicate brilliantly... then kids will just enhance those partnership elements.

IME (not personal, but observed), relationships ruined by children are usually ones where one partner only had the child(ren) because the other one wanted to.
If they are indeed "one the fence", then yes I'd say the risk is high!

We only got married because we were having kids! Otherwise would have stayed living together happily. No relationship is perfect anyway, I’m deeply suspicious of the “unbelievably in love” types. Also, if you want kids don’t deny yourself that joy because your man might get jealous… find a guy who likes kids too.

I completely understand this and it’s one of the reasons that my partner and I have decided to not have children. I love my relationship with my partner so much that I wouldn’t want anything to jeopardise that. Enjoying our time together and doing whatever the hell we want, when we want to is the best! It’s obviously each to their own, but I think it’s a complete fair thing to weigh up.

If an event like having children cause strain in a marriage, it was already weak to begin with!

It's not just babies that cause difficulties.. so many things - mainly the financial strain that comes along with the baby; the physical, mental and emotional demands of parenthood etc. But there's a way to deal with it. Being open and honest and communication between partners is vital..

We have been parents for almost a year now.. not going to lie but we have had rocky days, but we always communicate and resolve our issues as soon as possible.. we were exactly like you describe your friend, but we feel our bond has strengthened since we had our beautiful lil girl💖

A relationship isn't a static thing.

That's such a good point.

If they’re on the fence I’d say definitely don’t do it. The world is already overpopulated and it really can be hard, thankless, incredibly limiting lifelong endeavour. My DC was a surprise. Massively loved but I had no burning desire to have children and unless you’re the kind of person who wants literally nothing more than being a parent it’s a slog. If they’re happy as they are then I’d enjoy their lovely life.

I mean I guess you could not ever do anything your whole life long for fear it would have a bad consequence but is that really living??? I think this is such a funny way to think about things. Genuinely interested that people do!

Don't ruin the relationship with kids.

I don't know the answer to this, but I do think the world would be a better place if everyone thought this carefully about whether to have children. I also think that if your friend is hesitant then that should be heeded. It's hard and heartbreaking work even if they are unequivocally wanted. Personally I would not do it if I had my time again, but my reasons for that are specific to me and shouldn't be taken as advice.

I'll add as well that my children are ND non sleeping and wonderful, and I wouldn't change them for the world 😂 ( although I would change the world for them if I could )