If you have a perfect relationship, is it worth having kids?

[karmasacat]

I’m just thinking and wondering if other people have opinions on this. Knowing how much kids can impact a marriage (even children who are neurotypical, good sleepers etc.), would you say that if you have a very happy, very strong marriage where both of you are perfectly happy with each other then it’s not worth the risk of adding children?

Talking to a friend about this - her and her husband are the happiest couple I know. They’re unbelievably in love and have such a strong marriage. I really didn’t believe couples like them existed until I met her! Now they’re considering children but both are worried about damaging their incredibly happy relationship with each other, so many people say it ruined their marriage it’s really put her off. Anyway, any thoughts?

Interesting thoughts! I think some people have gotten hung up on me using the word “perfect” - this isn’t something my friend said about her own relationship and would probably die laughing if she read that I’d used it! They’re a normal couple, not Stepford-ish, but when I said that I always think of them as perfect because they’re just so obviously head over heels in love with each other, even after being together 12 years. The rest of us all joke it makes us sick! That’s what my friend was saying to us yesterday, that her and her husband have been talking about kids but both have a worry that they’re so happy with each other now, and people keep telling them they’ll want to kill each other when they have a baby.

I know a couple who seemed perfect together before children. Afterwards they seem strained and resentful. It's not because they had children though, it's because the husband is a lazy sod and doesn't help enough. Was likely there before but not as obvious.

I believe if you have a strong marriage and good communication any relationship can blossom as a family. Me and DH parent as a team and it's brought us even closer.

A long-term couple whose love is strong, secure and grounded won't generally appear very obviously "head over heels in love". Couples that do are often needy and overly dependent on their other half, and that's not a great relationship to bring a child in to. So maybe their relationship dynamic doesn't suit having a family.

We have two very young kids but they’re both very easy as young kids go in terms of sleep and even daytime naps. It’s just the extra stuff during the day that puts stress on our relationship. In saying that though I’d say I love my husband more now seeing him as their dad but we definitely don’t have a chance to show it as much in amongst all the day to day stuff.

I made a strange observation on my wedding day - already had my eldest by then. It was a summer wedding so after the first couple of dances everyone took a break, went outside for a drink etc but every time I came inside there were only two couples dancing and looking like they were having the best time, both in their 50s and both without kids. It made me stop and think for a second about why they just looked so carefree and in the moment, they were both killing themselves laughing at each other and just having a great time. That has played on my mind a bit as that’s obviously just a snippet of their relationship but you can imagine what a fun and loving relationship they must have. Although I know one of the couples (potentially both, who knows) struggled for a while to conceive then decided to stop trying after lots of issues so although they’re maybe really happy it does make me sad for them if they didn’t get to explore having kids if that’s what they had actually wanted

The happiest, most solid couple I know have chosen not to have children. They are early 40s now and seem as happy and solid as ever. They are a great team, run several businesses together and have just moved abroad as they can't stand the UK as it is now. I likely would have done the same if I didn't have a child. It's a very personal decision and we are all different

Equally I know an extremely committed and religious couple who are now at breaking point with 3 young children, one with SEN 😞

"@SouthLondonMum22 We've been parents for coming up to a year and so far, it has made our already solid marriage even stronger and has brought us closer together.

It isn't always doom and gloom, it really depends on so many things".

Early days!

Having a child shines a light on how you are as a person. Unsurprisingly, women tend to be the ones who step up with the love and nurture side - after all, you've been connected for 9 months! Women have a head start being incubators and you can't get closer than that.
But, stress arises when either the prior fab relationship was dependent upon the man needing and getting lots of attention from his partner- and can't deal with it being divided - or they already come from a pov that rearing DC and running a home is 'woman's work'.
So, if he already does 50/50 housework, it's a decent indication. If they have discussed and agreed prior, how work/ life balance will go, even better.
So, ideally beforehand get plans in place. Who stays home from work when DC are sick? Do you both continue to work full time? Who does pick-up/drop off from nursery. Also, what support is around so you can have time out for date nights.
Get the above sorted, and you are already ahead of the game.

Yes, having children puts stresses on a relationship, particularly in the early days when you’re both at your least experienced and most sleep-deprived and when parenting is at its most intensive. That’s why it’s best not to bring children into a shaky relationship.

Having children has brought its challenges but our relationship was enhanced by having the shared experience of children and parenting. But we both really wanted children. I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t sure.

I don't really understand the premise of the question. Surely the answer depends on whether or not you really want kids?

I mean, if you're not that bothered about kids either way, then probably best not to bother.

But if having kids is really important to you, then I don't see how having even the most perfect marriage would cut it. There would be a massive gaping hole that a partner/spouse couldn't possibly fill.

Surely that’s the reason that most people have kids?

We had a near perfect (in our opinion!) relationship for 17 years before we had children. We were pretty sure they would improve things. They did!

I’d rather have kids and no relationship than a relationship and no kids. Every time.

If your friends feel differently, I’m not sure they should have kids? Sounds like a clear path to resenting your baby for “spoiling your perfect life”.

It’s true kids puts a massive pressure on a marriage but in a strong marriage you’ll come out stronger. If having kids ruins your relationship then it was a fair weather marriage and only superficially strong Having kids was the best joint project! They are now teenagers (one is at uni). We’ve had all normal challenges including mental health issues but luckily good sleepers and good health generally.

I only had kids once I was in a strong happy marriage, and with a 6yr old and 18mth old we still have a strong happy marriage....but my kids don't just come first, so does my husband.....I think when couples put kids 1st that's when it crumbles.....you need to prioritise your relationship at times, even just down to a snuggle on the sofa and telling kids you're just having 5 mins hug, yes life is more hectic, tiring, busy and we need permission to go out as a couple but I'd not change it

If you want children, but daren't because your fear your relationship is too fragile to cope with the strain they bring, it isn't a perfect relationship.

Relationships get tested by life, things like money, health and children all put strain on.

If you want children, you want children.

My marriage changed completely. I am miserable and making a long-term plan to leave. Once DS was born, literally nothing changed for DH. He still only gets himself ready. He still comes and goes as he pleases but I have to ask for permission (yes, really) if I want to go anywhere. DS is 5.5 and DH has never got up with him in the morning. He never does anything one-on-one with him; he won’t even let me go to the supermarket alone. Until last year, he always asked me if I could even take DS to the hairdresser with me.

Part of the marriage issues are having no support. We have been on 3 lunch dates the entire time we’ve been parents.

We had a fantastic relationship before parenthood.

@Kerri44 I agree, so many people try to hide bad relationships behind "good" parenting, stating they think they need to put their marriage on the back burner in order to raise their kids well, in reality, I just don't think they like or respect their partner very much.

I had a strong marriage and a colicky baby who didn't sleep and cried all the time. We were short tempered, often with each other, but always came together to comfort one another and make each other laugh. When things are really hard you do pull together, unless of course, there's something hidden that was always there.

@Kwasi he sounds awful, but whilst your DS maybe showed him for his true colours, if it wasn't him I'm sure it would have been something else. The level of laziness you're describing doesn't just manifest itself in parenting, was he a really hands on person doing the fair share of everything in the relationship like mental load, cleaning etc before kids? If he miraculously was, if something had happened such as you needing long term care, do you really think he'd have been capable of that? Or likely showed his colours then too? I suspect he's just a bad egg and your relationship would not have been sustainable even without kids.

I hope you find happiness soon, he sounds like the kind of guy where you're literally better off without the hassle of him!

We have an incredibly strong marriage, been together 34 years, two teens and stronger than ever. One of the biggest things that has helped is my dh has pulled his weight at every stage - so no resentment on my part at all.

Would we have had kids if we had our time again? Not sure. Think we’d have been equally happy without tbh.

Going by what some have said above... is it worth trying for kids then if there are already 'cracks'?

Basically, it's sort of saying many people are selfish and choose their desire for kids, over the security for those kids?

I've been with hubby since I was 17 and he was 16. We have been together 22yrs and married 15. We have 3 children and they're definitely trying on a relationship. It's the different views on how to bring them up, how to discipline them etc that does alot of damage. There is also pnd that can affect men as well as women. That almost broke us apart because hubby got so depressed and it clashed with the recession of 08. Awful time. There's been other blips eg all 3 are autistic and hubby always thinks I'm being too soft with eldest and he goes too far. It's alright saying what you'll do but it's different once children are here. If there is no outside support it will likely fail as you end up losing yourself and just becoming parents. Having an outside hobby separate from each other and keeping that for yourself without stresses of homelife and work has definitely helped keep us sane. Need to be able to have date nights etc. It needs alot of people, alot of love and support but it does and can work. We just went out to cinema last night lol. I think if we weren't married we would of split up a few times but being married has kept us together through the very rough times. We would not be without any one of the kids it's just different but I would not change anything. If they want to have kids yes it's trying, yes it's not perfect but it's rewarding and brings a different deeper love x

Kids change the nature of your marriage but if your marriage is strong to begin with, then they don't wreck it. Our dynamic is different now we are a 3 rather than a pair, and we get a lot less time to be a couple than previously. But ten years on from falling pregnant, still love DH as much as ever.

I thinknot really depends on do they both really WANT kids.
Are they clear on the division of Labour when the kids come? Most people I know where kids have had a significant impact on the relationship it isn't actually having the children that has caused ruptures but the built frustration that comes woth having children and one of both people feeling that they are taking on an unequal or unfair amount of the load be that physical or mental.
Who is going to take on the role of primary care giver or will this be split equally? What does that actually look. Does shared responsibility or primary care actually mean 50/50 in that nights will actually be split or will one do all night feeds.
The same goes for household tasks including administration tasks and also provision of resource/finance.
Do they have shared views on upbringing of the children, discipline, schooling and diet for example.
What are their views about spending time away from the family unit independently when the children are here?
These are all issues that I have seem cause significant ruptures in relationships and often part of the reason for that is they were never discussed before and it turned out the individuals had very different values