My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

@LocalHobo you and @Charlie2121 maybe need to think thoroughly about the fact it is not the dad who gets pregnant. Her body, her choice.

If she wants the baby, which she seems to want; there is no way in the world she should be forced into having an abortion. You have NO CLUE what her future fertility could be like and how dare you to assume to know!

What a misogynist you are, trying to guilt-trip her into having an abortion. It's sad, horrid and disgusting.

It's your body, and your decision OP.

He may well just have had a knee jerk reaction and may come round to the idea, but if not, don't let yourself be guilted or coerced into having an abortion that you don't want. Because that guilt and resentment will be with you forever.

BTW you absolutely could do it alone if you wanted to.

There's a massive assumption in there. I knew no other women who had babies at that age and as for men I reckon nearly all I know were around 40 when they first had children.

If my DH and I had a child at 29 he'd have not known anyone else with a baby until our child was starting secondary school. He'd have felt very left out.

I would tell him that you are really excited to be having the child that you have both planned, a little sooner than expected, but you both knew the risks. Any wobbles from him, do not try to defend and justify your position. Put it right back on him and get cross about it - what did he expect when he ejaculated inside you? When you were both talking about having children he didn't mention his plan for abortion as birth control if the timing didn't suit him so inform him it's not an option now. He perhaps doesn't realise the impact on you of potential abortion - tell him it's not something you can endure. Express your disappointment in his reaction and tell him he's not the man you thought he was. If he doesn't get with the plan I think your marriage is over or at the least will struggle.

You are the perfect age to have children. If he has had this response now can you be certain that he won't fob you off in a few years time and then you will wait around for him perhaps until it's too late. You can't guarantee your fertility as you get older.

It’s never the right time. Literally, never. There’s always something else to see/buy/do.
You aren’t young, you’re financially stable, and six years of not using contraception and only now getting pregnant suggests something is not optimal in the fertility department.
As others have said, it’s now or never.
Is this man worth giving up what could be your only chance at motherhood for? Doubtful. Especially as it sounds like he’s stringing you along with a promise of “when x happens, when y happens”. The fact is, when it happens you just make it work. It’s called life. It’s unpredictable and you just have to play the hand you’re dealt.
He will either step up or lose out, but ultimately he still has legal responsibility for this child and can’t bury his head in the sand forever.
He’s been immature and childish and hurtful, but that doesn’t mean when that baby is in his arms he won’t absolutely step up and be the best dad.
You can’t make a huge life altering decision based off an initial reaction. Give him time to get used to the idea that he’s going to be a dad, because you sound certain you want this baby. So that’s all there is to it.

As bad as his comments were, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s quite different making a flippant remark based off a hypothetical situation vs reality now you know you are pregnant. He might change his tune now you’ve got a positive test 🤷‍♀️

That is truly the most perfect response on here. I hope the OP follows your advice.

The money would be crazy tight especially if you haven't been saving for a planned maternity/ nursery fee scenario. BUT it's also achievable and plenty of people crash into parenthood with less stability to offer a child. If an abortion is a no for you then you need to let him know ASAP where you both find yourselves.

If you go ahead as a single parent you will need to invest work in your support network and not on this very flakey run for the hills type

If you choose to keep the baby please look at using shared parental leave. You will be £££s much better off if you use a combination of mat leave and SPL. Use www.teachersspl.co.uk for more info. I hope things work out as you wish and that your husband gets his act together.

This sounds really tough. I had a very similar experience to you. I was unexpectedly pregnant at 30 with my long term bf. He told me that a baby would destroy his life, he was too young (he was 26), and he’d definitely be ready in a couple of years. We had an abortion because I couldn’t stand to ruin his life. Two years came and went, he still wasn’t ready, he just needed more time. Another two years came and went … and he still wasn’t ready. In the end I left him at age 34 and decided to be a solo mum. Ultimately being a parent was more important to me than the relationship. Is this the case for you? Would you be willing to go be a single parent? Do you trust that he really would be ready in a couple of years? Good luck with your decision. My heart goes out to you xx

It wasn't the right time to have a baby. We both had new businesses. The economy was in deep recession (1992) and I earned more then than he did. Once his business had time to develop, I stepped back a bit. It was a mutual decision. Pragmatic.

Don’t let him force you to terminate. You will lose him either way. How could you ever look at him the same way again?

29 is very young

OP might well be 30 by the time she gives birth. 31 is the average age to have a first child so it's pretty much exactly the normal time to be doing it, not 'very young' for it. And she's pregnant now.

Congratulations, OP. A baby is a wonderful thing.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's shocking response but hopefully he will get his act together asap.

You have time to buy a property before the baby comes, it's really not the end of the world.

But she says she knows lots of people having babies and two friends are trying to conceive

What is he going to do, run away from the marriage if you don't do what he wants? Imagine how pathetic that will sound to friends and family. Running from a marriage because he is about to have a baby at nearly 30 🙄

You will always love your baby. I can't see you loving or even respecting him for long if he turns out to be such a pathetic manchild in the long run.

Sorry he’s being an idiot, he was the one who decided not to pull out when that was agreed, it’s on him. You say you can’t take hormonal contraception due to your mum and grandma, have you seen a gynaecologist or endocrinologist to discuss it or just assuming based on d family history? But either way if you can’t take hormonal contraception and he doesn’t want to use condoms then it’s on him.
It sounds like your relationship might be in jeopardy whatever you decide.

Nonsense. This baby has one chance. You can't get him or her back later. Finger's crossed OP's husband will come around, but lots of DCs have been raised by one parent.

I am pro-choice, but that also includes supporting mums who want to keep their baby.

OP, It sounds like it has everything to do with you being in a rental place and him feeling this is an "inadequate " arrangement. Men's logic is often like this from what I can tell! Men can feel "ashamed" of being "inadequate " by crap like this in a way that women often don't identify with at all and feels crazy to us.

@Papyrophile I thought I had time on my side to have a child. I'm 33 and have lost any hope of being a mum due to being forced to have a hysterectomy due to cancer.

You never know what's around the corner.

So please don't ever make assumptions about anyone's fertility

That's the way I look at it. There can be many men who would be a good fit for you, but only THIS baby is made OF you and will be unique from any other child you could ever have.

IOW--men can come and go but a baby is a great gift, unique to itself.

So he willingly used an unreliable birth control method and now your pregnant expects you to have a abortion because he's not ready yet.

He's not sounding great op. Hope it's just shock

An abortion would destroy your relationship. It is clear you want the baby so an abortion is out of the question.

And to put it bluntly, though the law is widely ignored, abortion is regulated in this country and it doesn't exist because a husband with a stable job doesn't want his wife to have a baby just yet.

So there is no choice really - you have the baby you want to have and he grows up and become the man and husband he promised to be, by taking responsibility for his own actions. Or he doesn't and you have the baby without him. He can then tell the world that he wasn't man enough to support his wife and child.

His friends or her friends?