My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

He just has to say when.

This was me 18 years ago, my DH told me to abort as he wasn't old enough to be a dad, he was also 29. I told him I couldn't do it as the only thing I had ever wanted to be was to be a mum, and if he wasn't ready to be a dad I would do it alone. We stayed together, pregnancy was lonely as he was totally detached, but the moment our daughter was born he fell in love and has been there as a dad ever since.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you both

You will forever regret it and resent him if you have an abortion because he doesn't feel he's ready ... after 10 years together, solid careers, marriage, and savings.

Have the baby if you want the baby. Tell him to grow the hell up or get to fuck.

If he REALLY wasn't ready to have children, he wouldn't have been having unprotected sex all this time. And that's what he's been doing, as the withdrawal method isn't really a 'method' ... it's russian roulette with sperm. So he has no business complaining that a pregnancy has finally resulted in that game.

And being forced to have an abortion when you really don't want one is tragic and unlikely to end well.

I would grow to hate my spouse if I felt forced to have an abortion. I doubt I could recover from it.

THIS.

I agree with other pp's, if you abort then you will resent him for it. I terminated and then afterwards had fertility issues when trying again. You never know what's around the corner. If he loves kids, chances are he will come around, perhaps he is scared ?

Used the same method of contraception for 16 years with H. I have two children both conceived first month of trying when trying to get pg. I did a helluva lot of research on it as a method and if used correctly then is usually as efficient as condoms. No it's not taught to teens and is discouraged generally as a method because it is really really difficult to use correctly (drunk, or just "too late" is not a problem using a condoms[ and obviously it's no protection against STDs so let's not encourage the teens here..... Studies on precum are inconclusive as to whether it contains sperm but generally come down on the side of "doesn't" However, sperm can be in precum if you have sex a second time fairly quickly after the first ejac. Believe me I have researched this as I wanted an accident, H would have accepted an accident but didn't want any more kids. I checked every which way to try and convince myself there was a chance. It never happened.

I mean this kindly - you are 29, how much longer do you think you can wait? Your fertility is declining and the clock is ticking. How would you feel if you don’t have this baby and in a few years time you are unable to conceive?

do you think forcing a woman to terminate a baby she wants very much will end well?

no one forced him to have unprotected sex. he chose to ejaculate inside her. he knows the consequences. the misogyny in your language is worrying -

Well, depending on his motivation for acting that way I see two main scenarios:

he’s in shock/ anxious and will eventually come round to the idea and step up.

he’s not going to step up. In which case your relationship is doomed anyway because you’ll bin him for forcing an abortion or for being a useless father. Or he walks out on you.

so if you want the baby, you might as well have the baby. You just might be doing it with him or without. You only get to control one variable here.

I wouldn’t mention it again. I’d announce I was pregnant to him . Then let him do all the thinking and chasing for a bit, see where his heads at when he’s left with his thoughts, sometimes they need that.

Tell him to grow the fuck up. Youre married. Nearly 30. Steady jobs and haven't been using proper contraception for years. He's been telling you he wants a family, and now you're pregnant, he thinks you can nip to the doctor and put a pause on it till he decides he will magically feel ready?? That's not how it works. You do not have to have an abortion. I would be so pissed off with him

It’s now or never.
How do you work that out? It isn't.

At 29, you have time on your side.

Does she, really? If the husband feels so strongly now is not just 'not ideal' but it's totally impossible time to have a baby. He won't be 'ready' next year, will he? Maybe in 5 years? Considering he hasn't even said what that ready is, who knows if ever. And if he decides in 10 years that now's the time..

Did you ever forgive him for being so vile?

I am definitely an outlier. I didn't want a baby... until I was 42, and I had one when I was 42, three weeks before I was 43. No SEN, no problems. Yes, I was probably lucky. But I'd rather my route than single parenting.

You did read this right, 29 and not 19? Do you think she's going to enjoy "travelling the world" after aborting her longed-for first child? It's like you think she's a student who's had a one night stand. I'm sure she's had her fun and now she's very much in the settling down stage of life - or so she thought before her prick husband pulled the rug out from under her!

I think most people using that method of birth control are basically trying to "not try". IOW--basically letting nature take its course.

Now it seems as though he is trying to move the goalposts after 6 years of trying not to try.

He needs to wrap his head around the idea that he is going to be a father in nine months, because he didn't wrap a rubber around his other little head.

I think he may come round. He feels too young for it and doesn’t want to cut his youth short. But suddenly he will realise that everyone he knows is having babies and then he’ll feel left out. How stupid would he feel if he realised he’d aborted a baby who would have been born at the same time as his friends’ kids? Life is about to change whatever he does, friends will be going out less and be starting to focus on their own babies; so he should embrace it.

To kill a much-wanted child for the sake of a few thousand pounds in savings seems like the most awful decision ever.

Did you stay with the man that you got pregnant with?

If you want the baby, keep the baby. Your husband needs to get a grip.
Please don't be talked into an abortion you don't want, it'll stay with you forever.
Wishing you all the best. X

I did. We're still married, and happy, now contemplating retirement. I was, at the time, still more fascinated by work than babies.

I can’t take any form of hormonal birth control as my mum and grandma had to have hysterectomies before 50 due to fibroids and hormonal imbalance. We used to use condoms when we first met but moved onto the withdrawal method and tracking my ovulation.

As we were married for a few years at this point and wanted to have children, as well as stable careers. I was under the impression if I fell pregnant we would both be pleased. He love children and is great around them. He always talks about wanting a family etc etc

when I had a inkling that I was pregnant, I wasn’t upset or didn’t want it? It was my husband who was and it’s his reaction that saddens me not the pregnancy.

He sounds like a twat and doesn’t know a thing about contraception if he thinks the pulling out method is a way of avoiding pregnancy. Shocker - it’s not a contraceptive method, it’s a risk every time!

Go with your gut OP; your body, your choice. If you are ready for a baby and want to go ahead, do exactly that. He can either get on board or F off. I hope if you stay together that he is a better partner in future and treats you like a partner.
sending you love x

So you wanted to terminate the pregnancy also, so not the same as the OP?