My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

@needtonamechangeforthis1 , That's very sad and I send you all my sympathy, but it wasn't the same here. I still think I hit the jackpot timing wise. I probably would not have been too upset if I had remained childless though.

There is never a perfect time to have a baby Life isn't perfect but you're in a good all round situation.
I hope he'll come round by the time he is home, especially if you tell him you are having the baby.
I also hope he wasn't just stringing you along by saying " not yet, but one day"
Either way you and baby will manage

Op there is never a perfect time to have a baby, you make it work. I became pregnant unexpectedly when I was 29 and ended up doing it alone. After I had the baby I was made redundant on mat leave and then my landlord sold the house I was renting so also ended up desperately searching for a new place when she was 6m old. I had no income from her father and no family support. But it got better. I got a new job and worked my way up to a senior level, now I own my own home and provide a great life for my daughter. I have a new partner and we are very happy. I'm sharing my story because even when you think everything is a mess and you are in a hopeless situation things can get better and if you need to you absolutely CAN do this alone

Sorry but he needs to wise up right now, this pregnancy is not truly accidental. He doesn’t use contraception (the withdrawal method is not contraception) and he drunkenly had sex with you and didn’t even withdraw. Don’t let him gaslight you into talking about this as some surprising accident. How does he think a planned pregnancy occurs? A man has sex with a potentially fertile woman without contraception. And what did he do? Oh yes, he did exactly that.

On top of that his uncaring arrogance in assuming you will be terminating on his say so. What on earth is his attitude to women and to others to speak to you like that.

Its up to you what you do of course OP, but I would just say…he might ‘come round’, some men do have this panic reaction when actually they totally come round, but if he does it will be up to you if you can forgive his reaction. I can’t imagine you going through the termination of a wanted pregnancy and then in a year or two trying to conceive with him, you’ll be wracked with regret and resentment and wondering what has really changed. That’s assuming he wasn’t still not ready.

It’s really sad but this may mean a full reassessment of the relationship. He should be making you feel supported and cared for now. I promise you that if you continue the pregnancy you will cope alone. You absolutely will find the strength you’ll need for your child. You’re young and in time will probably meet someone else and raise children together in a family. But you can do it yourself.

You tell him straight, he has created this situation for himself and it is now not his decision what happens, it’s yours.

It sounds like he's in shock.

Honestly, using the withdrawal method as contraception is dumb. I'm very surprised you haven't been pregnant before if you've been doing that for 6 years, unless you have fertility issues.

Well bully for you @Papyrophile. I'm glad you would have been happy to remain childless. I'm not! I'm fucking Devastated! How insensitive can you bloody be.
You were lucky it worked out for you.

We never argue and have never had any huge issues

How often have you wanted something different from what he wanted? How often he said what should happen and you've gone along with it even though it's not what you wanted?

I'm struck by the way you asked him "what should we do if I'm pregnant?" - not "what would you want to do" as an overture for a conversation. But it sounds like you were looking to him to make the decision for both of you?

@Nanaof1
The OP cannot be forced to have an abortion. No one will drag her unwillingly into a clinic. Her husband may say that he will leave if she has the baby, but even that is no force or coercion. That is him stating his position but that is a prerogative that he is free to exercise just as having the baby is an option that she is free to exercise.

Not liking the options is not force; that is just reality. The husband knows what he has emotionally, physically, and financially to bring to the table at this time. Just as the OP knows what she is prepared to bring. The decision is theirs to make, and it should be made within the parameters of their morals and self awareness. This is not a situation where the morals or beliefs of others should factor into the decision making.

The idea can be a shock to people and they can say the wrong thing. It happens.

As an earlier poster said, theoretical babies can be different to one’s which really exist and sometimes people just need a. It if time to get used to the idea if it’s come it of the blue.

Inwiuldnt assume he will insist you must have an abortion. I would approach it positively, you can acknowledge us a bit sooner than you’d have planned or expected but also there is never an ideal time and lots of people try for years and don’t manage, so sometimes you just have to accept the timing that comes and embrace it.

Most men in loving longtime term relationships who want kids within a few years, will hear this stuff and know it’s true and their shock and initial fear turns to stepping up and growing excitement. I’d expect that this will be the case here.

There are couples where there are more deep rooted issues or problems and the man isn’t committed or wants out…and a lasting bad reaction to , behind that first shock which isn’t surprising, happens and is a symptom of wider ir bigger problems in the relationship. We don’t know about OP’s relationship.

But if OP feels it is a good marriage and they’ve both wanted kids and see a future together with kids, I’d be really hopeful that this first disappo8nting reaction will pass and DH will step up and be excited. The key is to be willing to move beyond that first reaction and not to dwell on it it let it ruin things.

Too many people on the thread say LTB and what an areshole etc etc. it wasn’t a good reaction, but it doesn’t have to define his future reactions or mean their relationship is over or Op will be a single mum. Be hopeful and simply know that even for those planning a baby, finding out one is coming can be a massive shock and elicit all kinds of reactions. A total out if the blue shock can do the same. But it doesn’t have to mean there can’t be any movement or a happy future ahead.

@Mari9999 please read up on coercion

Hopefully his reaction will be better tonight. Tell him that you will indeed be going to the doctor but it’s to book in with a midwife for antenatal care, not arranging a termination.

@Lillieanne starting taking folic acid, if you haven't been. Don't wait for an appointment.

I think he will come round to the idea.

Sometimes life doesn’t go to plan he needs to hear you. The fact that you never argue probably needs looking at tbh. Think about what you want as your opinion is important too. I’m hoping he just needs time as he sounds in denial.

If he doesn’t want children right now he needs to use condoms.

You decide about your pregnancy.

Oh, OP. No advice for you, just sending a hug.

I agree with this.

I'd do something similar if you think a face to face talk isn't going to go well tonight/tomorrow. Get some space and make your position clear.

This. Not the action of a man who doesn’t want to get you pregnant, but seemingly the action of a man who thinks you can just have an abortion if it happens.

I am amazed by some of the posters saying 29 is young and you have loads of time, or that they and their friends were 40- they are extremely lucky to get pregnant at that age. I work in fertility. With your family history of fibroids, I really would not be terminating. If you don’t have fibroids now it’s likely you will develop them later on and that really does impact fertility depending on where they grow.

I think he'll come round, he's just scared and you both need to talk through those fears together

He'll get used to the idea

Honestly, I see no reason to assume the DH will be insisting she goes for an abortion or being coercive. I think too many people are reading too much into the few short messages of Op and projecting.

This was a guy who was deeply shocked and surprised by a possible pregnancy. It was out of the blue. His reaction wasn’t good, but OP says they have a happy relationship with kids planned for the future. There is little to sugge#t that when given a chance to digest the idea to think about it all, that he can’t come round to it and be excited and thrilled.

He needs a little time. Men often do. So telling him in the right way…not an aggressive way that is confrontational and based upon a refusal to have an abortion is the the way. It needs to be more of a sharing of exciting and unexpected news to be faced together. It’s something to be worked through together in terms of how you feel and what it means. A positive and joint thinking approach is more helpful than ‘I’m pregnant and I’m keeping it’ …because that assumes he won’t want to have the baby…and to decide that’s his long term lasting view, based on one throw-away unpleasant comment that night, just seems to be a way to create conflict and division.

Again, assuming this is a man in a happy relationship who sees kids in his future…..given a chance to get his head round it (and why shouldn’t he be allowed a chance to get his head rou d it…it’s a huge thing that’s happening) he will realise this is a gift and what they want. The timing might not be perfect but he will realise the timjng rarely is and things work out. And then he’ll grow into excitement and the unpleasant first comment can be forgotten. Although clearly some on this thread would hang o to that comment forever and have LTB by tomorrow morning.

Should also say, it took DH longer to be ready for a baby than it did me. I told him clearly that if I ever got pregnant under no circumstances would I terminate.
You need to tell your husband that you don’t want and won’t have a termination.

What is his reason for not wanting a child right now? It sounds like you are in quite a stable position so is an odd reaction from him. I am sad for you as it should be a happy time, not having to fight him on this. For me if he is serious about having children with you in the future even if it's not quite the right timing for him I just can't imagine the suggestion to abort. Unless he has a drastic turnaround I would really be reconsidering my future with him.

Please don’t abort your innocent baby because he finds it an inconvenience.

Just want to say that you don't need to explain yourself to these people on MN that are always on a high horse. Your husband is probably just very scared (as we all were/are and will be) about the upcoming change. I wasn't so sure I wanted to have a baby and it all changes once the initial shock is over. He will get over it and you will one day laugh about it. Keep the baby xx