My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Keep your baby. Best of luck

Well, he's clearly not a biology teacher 🙄

He's irresponsible for ejaculating inside you when he didn't want you to become pregnant. His response to you about seeing the doctor as he's not ready for children would give me the major ICK. He made a decision to not use a condom, he's supposedly an educated adult, he should never ever say "you'll have to", go terminate. I actually detest him for this.

You clearly want your baby, and congratulations on your first pregnancy!

You cannot terminate, or you'll always regret it and think of the what-ifs. You'll grow resentment towards your husband and it will kill your marriage. Then if you have problems conceiving in the future, you'll grow to hate him for it.

If he fails to be a Dad, then he's shown you who he is. No man who wants children would make their wife terminate.

He is showing you who he is and if he does not change his tune once he's faced with the reality of the pregnancy, then you and your baby will be better off without this immature, ick inducing, excuse of a man.

It sounds like the relationship is over either way.

@aibupregnancy And? That means nothing. I'd ask them the same if one of them freaks out when a pregnancy happens!

It worked well for years, it's the alcohol
that caused the issue!

There is never a good time to have a child.

In a perfect world you'd be mortgage free home owners but you will make it work

He is just shocked. He will get used to the idea. He will have to.

It takes 2 to tango so to speak. You both used a stupid method of contraception, and he talks as if its your problem! He should have thought of that, and used a condom.

Worse actually. He didn’t use any contraception on at least one occasion.

All the best @Lillieanne. He will just have to get used to the idea.

Speaking from experience… just because you’ve got pregnant so easy this time, it does not mean you’ll be so lucky next time.

There is never a right moment to have a baby - buy a house but then wait because you need a new kitchen. Moving to SLT in school so need to focus on job etc.

If you terminate this pregnancy and you then suffer loses or struggle to conceive you will never forgive your husband.

I terminated. Both parents need to be committed.

At 29, you have time on your side.

If it worked well for years, my guess is one of them may be sub-fertile. Getting away with it for 6 years is very very lucky indeed.

Men don't have to ejaculate to produce sperm. There are sperm in pre-cum, enough to cause conception.

Keep your baby. Lose the husband.

And control your own fertility. Do not, ever, rely on a man's control.

There is no way in hell I would abort this baby you want. Your marriage would be over anyway as you would never get over it or forgive him, no matter how you tried. Now is the time to tell him he’s in or he’s out and there’s no halfway house where he sulks like a 2yo and still lives there but doesn’t show you any support or love during the pregnancy or step up to parent.

@Papyrophile this is actually really poor advice. You have no idea of either one’s fertility. As the poster below you said it’s likely one of them is sub-fertile.

Your relationship is over wether you keep the baby or terminate. Do what is best for you.

I agree.

It’s now or never.

29 is such a wonderful age to have your first child in so many ways...

For what it's worth, I was in the same situation as you except it was I who thought it wasn't the 'right time' - still a student in a bedsit.

It was my partner who was delighted and wanted to keep the baby and you know what:

In hindsight we both agree that it was the best decision we ever made, that child is the light of our lives.

Sending you strength and good wishes to find a positive way through this.

@Lillieanne I don't see why you should feel jealous of his sister. Becoming pregnant 6 months into a new relationship is not necessarily going to end well, long term.

It does come over a bit as if you both had different ideas.

You wanted a baby and weren't stopping one.
He wasn't ready but was too stupid to know how they are stopped.

Obviously I’m not a doctor but I have to agree - the withdrawal method is so well known to result in pregnancy that not getting pregnant for six years strongly suggests there is an issue (or they hardly ever have sex which is an issue in itself, just not a physical one).

Never terminate a child you want, it will haunt you forever. Terminate a pregnancy you don't want. Sure.

But not this.

Your DH response is cold, very chilling in fact. A termination is a very big deal and it stays with you forever.

If my Dh spoke to me like this it would be a deal breaker.

I hope he comes around, if not, congratulations on your beautiful pregnancy

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I do not have experience of abortion but know it can have a lasting negative impact.

However, if you do go ahead with having the baby, your marriage could be over anyway and please think long and hard if you then want to bring a child into an unstable marriage where there will be resentment on both sides. Then if your marriage doesn't withstand that, you may find yourself a single parent and having to co parent with him for a very long time. Your whole life will continue be interwined with him forever. This I do have experience of. I'm now separated for two years from ExH. We have a young DS. I love my DS but it is a very hard life now in so many ways.

I’m sorry but I think the relationship is over whatever you decide. Do what you choose and build a life for yourself without this man.