My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

It depends on the man not having viable swimmers in pre ejaculate though. Some don't, some do

You'd never know without looking at it under a microscope.

This. He needs to understand that his choices now are

1. parenting together with you
2. parenting his child part time as a separated / divorced father
3. abandoning his child completely

He has already made his choice about having / not having a baby right now - he made that choice when he had unprotected drunken sex with you.

@WillowCraft there are loads of reasons a 29 yr old might not want a baby! I was having a brilliant time at 29 and I would have rather set myself on fire than have a kid.

The OPs husband is 100% entitled to not want to have a kid, now or ever. He can choose that. Why the f he didn’t use a condom I will never understand(neither of the people in this scenario sound like they have communicated effectively about a proper life plan), but she needs to just have the conversation. Then she will have all the information and be able to make HER choice - either stay and have the baby, stay and terminate or go it alone with financial support from the (presumably ex) husband. Good luck, OP.

@Lillieanne

Never, ever choose a man over a wanted child, or even the dream of a child. When my exH announced suddenly, just about the time it would have been 'right' to TTC, that he never wanted children, he ended my dream so I ended the marriage. If I had fallen pregnant and he wanted me to abort I'd have done exactly the same.

If you want this baby, have it. This baby is a reality, you are pregnant now. The 'dream' child that your DH says he wants 'when we're ready' isn't 'real' and may never happen.

I am definitely pro-choice. And the choice belongs to you.

Well given that this has been their long term method and never had a problem until he was drunk and didnt withdraw, I would say that this is all on him. The evidence would suggest that it was working fine until he did this, and now wants her to deal with the consequences of his own lack of control.

He can choose that

It's rather late in the day/after the fact to choose it after you've drunkenly spunked your baby batter up your wife with no contraception - after years of relying on only withdrawal - though.

And it doesn't sound like they didn't communicate effectively. It sounds like he gave the op to understand he was open to having children. Him shitting himself and essentially demanding an abortion now is not due to poor communication/misunderstanding... It's due to him going back on/not having the balls to follow through on what they risked.

I agree.

@Ugghh
Where does what he wants fit into your relationship equation? Actually what he wants no longer matters because once pregnant all of the control lies with the woman. The man can stand on the rooftop and shout that he does not want the child, but only the woman gets to decide if the child is to be born. Once born the courts then get to decide how much maintenance the male has to provide to support the child. Once the child is conceived, the man is no longer a part of the decision making process.

@needtonamechangeforthis1 I’m sorry, that sounds very hard

This is true. If he didn't want DC he should have sorted pug reliable contraception. If you want your baby then keep it. If he forces an abortion on you you'll never look at him the same way anyway.

F

Good evening OP,
If you do not feel like you want to have an abortion, then do not have one. You are the one who would have to live with this. I don’t know what a guy feels when their partner tells them “I’m pregnant” but I doubt they could feel anywhere near the way a woman feels, knowing we have a baby growing inside of us. For me his reaction is abject, I really feel for you there.

If you want your baby, keep it: there are always ways to make life work around children, and there isn’t a right or wrong time to have them. The perfect time to have a baby is when you are pregnant :)
You can never be sure that you will always have the chance to fall pregnant again when HE decides that HE is ready, if he ever does…. 29 is not old, but not too young either.
I have zero sympathy for your husband because a) he is the one that made you pregnant in the first place by not withdrawing in time.
b) His reaction and comments to you are horribly insensitive
c) He assumes the whole decision is his to take: “you will just have to go to the Dr. etc.” Not even asking you: “How do YOU feel about it Darling? What do YOU think we should do?”
c) Nobody can “request” for a woman to have a termination.
Like others have said, he needs to get his shit together, grow up and face up to life.
He may come around and embrace it with a bit of time, when things get more “real” to him. But he will never be able to undo or take back what he’s already said.

Good luck OP, I am sure you will find lots of people to support you, even if he doesn’t.

I’d absolutely have the baby. I had secondary infertility once I hit my 30s and there’s no garantee you will conceive again (specially considering you’ve been having unprotected sexual for 6 years and have a family history of fibroids and early hysterectomies!)

If this was your once chance of a baby I think you’d regret it forever. Your marriage wouldn’t survive anyway.

Oh gosh, have the baby.

29, two decent stable jobs, and he's "not ready"? When WILL he be ready? Of course you can have a baby before you've bought a property!

I would never have had a baby with someone who didn't want one. 29 is very young. Travel the world, live a bit and then revisit it later.

I'm a bit puzzled by those who genuinely seem to think that a couple of nearly 30 are essentially still in a form of extended adolescence and should really be thinking about taking gap years.

Totally agree with this

With respect to your own thoughts on this it always makes me 🤔 as to why people say things like I'm having a brilliant time at EG 29 as if having a baby is some sort of unwanted burden. To many women, especially those who have trouble conceiving, having a baby is the most beautiful thing in the world and the thing they most desire in the world and at any age. I'd love to know what this brilliant time consists of that can compare 🤔

Indeed.
And OP is ALREADY pregnant, with her long term husband who had up until then said he did want children.

Every time a man ejaculates inside a woman he gives consent to becoming a father. Period.

Your husband is a twat. He doesn't get to put you through the hell of terminating a child you want because you haven't bought a house yet! That's selfish and ridiculous.

@PotOfViolas
Exactly how does a man force a woman to have an abortion? He can not handcuff her and drag her to the abortion clinic. He can not hold her at gunpoint and force pills down her throat. A woman may decide that given a choice, she would rather have the man than the child, but that is not force that is a personal decision.

People keep saying don't let him force you,but what exactly does that mean?

He sounds unbearably selfish.

This.

What kind of man would put his wife through a medical procedure instead of using a condom?

I'm a retired teacher. Most of my young married colleagues had their first baby around the age of 30, so yes - a good few were 29 when they became pregnant for the first time.

Agreed. I waited until my 30s. Thought I would be okay, because my mum had me when she was 35. Mistake. I'm now in my 60s and childless.

He has to accept it. My (now ex wife) got pregnant when she was 22 and I was 24. She was supposed to be on the pill but I'm sure she kept forgetting to take it. There was no way we were ready to have kids but I didn't for once think about termination or leaving. Sometimes you just need to roll with the dice you are dealt. The kids were not the reason for our divorce. I now have two fantastic grandchildren.