My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

This was a guy who was deeply shocked and surprised by a possible pregnancy.

I'm deeply shocked and surprised that a man who is nearly 30 years of age, who had unprotected sex with wife, is deeply shocked and surprised when she tells him she thinks she's pregnant.

Sending hope to the OP that DH will have re-thought his comments and will be more open-minded when he hears that he is going to be a dad, whether he likes it or not.

There is still a very good chance that he will come around and be a good dad, and you will all be very happy.

My husband was adamant he didnt want kids. He let me know this from day 1. I was always terrified of pregnancy, labour and motherhood so I've ummed and arred about ever becoming a mum.
Anyway, I got pregnant and I was shaking cause I obviously had to tell him. I was terrified about how he was going to react and thought he was just going to tell me to have an abortion or leave me. When I showed him the test, he couldnt hold back his smile! I was so shocked at how proud he looked and excited! So, hopefully especially as you've sort of told your husband already, when you confirm your news to him, he may have a change if heart! Xx

This is potentially a very good point.

We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

Sorry can't get past the fact he's a Grade A fuckwit who apparently doesn't want a kid but can't be arsed to use contraceptives.

Anything else he says is irrevelant. He should have been ready and thought you were ready if he was doing this!

Not more men than the ones who got married and stayed married.

The ones who legged it were the minority.

Anyway, if the woman had male relatives, he wasn't going anywhere.

Even without male relatives, the community's opinion of him, the reflection on his family etc were enough to make it happen.

And, equally importantly, they actually had some basic morals and responsibility.

So it's not ridiculous - it was the majority of cases.

@aibupregnancy
Have you ever stood outside of an abortion clinic and said to a young girl or woman" don't abort that child ,have it and I will adopt love, and provide for that child "? That actually is an amazingly simple thing to do, and that puts your conscience, morality, and resources where you judgement now stands.

You should learn a bit of history

Btw I have a degree in economic and social history.

I was just thinking I hadn’t spotted any pro lifers.

Lots of people making the point that an abortion is a massive deal which shouldn’t be taken lightly, which isn’t the same thing.

The relationship would be over for me if he didn’t support me in what I wanted.

Seriously, in past generations age 40+ was when they were welcoming grandchildren. Yes times have changed but fertility problems and possible complication rates in what used to be known in the world of Obstetrics as elderly primigravida 35+ hasn't changed & likely never will.

What?

No, in generations past, 40s was when they were lapping their grandchildren with their youngest kids.

Take it from someone who grew up in a region with people who didn't use contraception due to church control.

I was in this situation.

If you want the baby, keep the baby. But be prepared to go it alone.

Sending lots of love.

Oh, I’ve found one.

I'm so sorry but either way your relationship is over.
If you keep the baby he will resent you.
If you terminate you will resent him.

So do what you feel is right for you and take him out of the equation.

@WillowCraft

Yes but he did previously say he wanted children, just "not yet". So his reaction seems a bit off to say the least. When did he want to have the children? Surely the only reason to delay past 30 is no husband. Given the increasing risks to mother and baby it's daft to put it off longer than that if you're in a stable relationship. I would be suspicious that he's not committed to the relationship with that reaction

Now is the time he doesn't want children, just because he wants them in the future doesn't stop it being a shock and him asking to terminate now.

As for the increased risks, do you really think a man who uses withdrawal and asks the woman to terminate as a form of contraception, gives a shit about the increased risks on the mother and baby?

He may well be committed to the relationship but only on his terms?

To be rather horribly realistic - loads of women are in marriages, and stay in marriages, with men who have severely disappointed them and lost their respect; due to things like this. They men often come around, are "good" dad's, and they offset it against that. Threads like this often end up full of women like that. They stayed because they didn't want to be single mums, they often already had kids with him and didn't want to break up the kids nuclear family etc etc. They're in the sub par, far from ideal, relationships that so many people end up in. But clearly they'd rather stay then start again or be single etc.

Agree with this completely

If he's not ready now he never will be. He's future faking, he'll keep stringing you along until it's too late. I've had a termination, it was my choice and I don't regret it but the best advice I can give you is to only go through with it if that's what you really want otherwise it could destroy you and would almost certainly destroy your marriage.

I'm afraid whichever option you choose your marriage is almost certainly over 💐 if he didn't want to be a dad now he should have used better protection, it's too late to change his mind now and demand you have a termination you don't want. Do what you need to for you xx

Personally I would not ever be with a man that suggested abortion especially under your circumstances where he has done next to nothing in preventing a pregnancy.

Horrible, horrible man.

Keep the baby. He may come round. I think he will. If he's a teacher he must like kids x

Keep your baby, if he doesn't change his mind it's his loss. X

Again the predictable "Why do you think that withdrawal works? ARe you stupid?!" posts!

I am (was, 50 now) very fertile but used withdrawal with tracking for 12 years and it worked, never even had a scare but got pregnant the first month after deciding to try.

If you have regular periods so know when to avoid fertile days, and withdraw on the other days, it is a very effective method.

Getting drunk, not using the method properly and then demanding an abortion, because he was pissed and couldnt control himself is not ok.....really not ok.