My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

I agree with @scaredorganicyoghurt

If you want the baby keep it. I aborted my baby in almost identical circumstances to you. It damn near destroyed me. My marriage did survive and I went on to have a child, but there is a tiny part of me that will always despise my husband for his reaction when I told him I was pregnant, and a much bigger part of me will always despise me for aborting a much wanted baby.
I'm nearly 60 and without a doubt it is the thing I most regret in my life. Counselling helped, years later, undertaken because my life was falling apart from the guilt and regret, but a part of me died the day I had my abortion.

OP I'm new to mumsnet so I'm doing quite a lot of reading during my breaks working from home. I've read stories that would break hearts but without doubt your post is the first one that has literally caused my mouth to drop open. The worst part for me is your both Teachers. Perhaps I'm naive in thinking children and their well being would be top priority in your relationship.There is never a right time to have children. There are so many people desperate to conceive and fail time & time again. To think this has been the response from your DH makes me seriously think it can only be shock. Hopefully given time he will show remorse for this dredful behaviour. 💐

Relationships are tested when the unexpected happens. They are not tested if everything goes to plan. If the unexpected happens and you are on the same page, you'll work it out and your relationship will be stronger.

You need to ask yourself if you are on the same page or not, because that will tell you what the future holds.

No ones life goes to plan, but you are defined by how you deal with it all. My OH and I have dealt with infertility, a baby born with a life long disability, followed by an unexpected pregnancy and uncertainty over the baby's health. It hasn't always been easy but we've always trusted and supported each other.

You need to decide if you are together or apart in this. I hope it works out xx

The other term for Withdrawal method is TTC. I'd seriously rethink a relationship with such a stupid, irresponsible and pathetic man.

She says "our couple friends".

So if fitting in with his mates is so important to him, there's no better time.

This! X

Neither of you are in the wrong. He could have told you he didn't want to be a dad yet more sympathetically, but it would still be the same outcome. A bit silly of him to use the withdrawal method of he didn't want kids as it's not exactly fool proof. But he's entitled to his opinion the same way you are.

It's time to put yourself first, do you want the baby? Are you ready to be a mum? If the answer is yes then keep the baby. Your dh can't force you to terminate, but be prepared to be a single parent as chances are this is what will happen

I know you said you never minded if you got pregnant or not in the last 6 years so this isn’t an attack on you…
But if he is that adamant he doesn’t want a child yet and has been relying on the pull out method for SIX YEARS then I can’t believe he is a teacher 🤦🏼‍♀️ this is something I’d expect from a teenager. The “pull out” method (not contraception) is ridiculous enough in itself but over a 6 year period and then the fact he got drunk and couldn’t control himself and is now wanting you to put your mind and body through an abortion is just sick. What a horrible, stupid and pathetic little man.

If he doesn’t get on board with this OP then keep the baby, bin the man 💐

Reckless behaviour if he doesn’t want to accept the consequences, idiot! If you abort and manage to stay together, then have other children, you may always wonder about would have been your first born, the big brother/sister to your other children. If you want this baby you must continue your pregnancy, irrespective of your DH

“A bit silly of him to use the withdrawal method of he didn't want kids as it's not exactly fool proof. But he's entitled to his opinion the same way you are”

Umm no, if a man doesn’t use contraception then he doesn’t get any opinion on what a women does with her body actually.

And it’s more than “a bit silly”

It’s absolutely the highest level of stupidity

@wildwestpioneer he's not 'entitled to his opinion the same way' the person whose body and mind will be transformed by pregnancy is! he's called upon to be supportive of someone to whom he made a life commitment

How despicable.

If he didn't want a baby, maybe he should have used condoms and or asked you to use some contraception; instead of playing Russian roulette and shagging while drunk so he couldn't even get his act together to pull out.

I'm amazed this hasn't happened before now with only using withdrawal.

If you would like to have the baby, then have it. He'll either come around or won't. No great loss if he doesn't. He's hardly looking like a nice, kind, reasonable, responsible, good person right now, is he. He'll probably come around - after much selfish, idiotic posturing and manipulation and emotional blackmail; and you'll be stuck with him, knowing what he was like at such a crucial moment.

He has absolutely no right to expect his wife of years, having chosen to use the (non) contraception you've been using and having shagged drunk and not even done the crucial thing; which was his responsibility.. to have an abortion.

What an absolute dickhead and bastard.

Also, if you'd like kids with him or someone else in future; I'd like to just share the circumstances of a thread I saw on here in which the poster was pushed into a termination, suffered damage/scarring as a result of it and had her fertility affected significantly. Meanwhile her ex went on about his life and relationships unaffected. It may be unusual, but it happens.

Yep! Travel the world, get stuck in airports, sweaty trains, taxis & bus journeys, not to mention the sheer monotony of long journeys. Give me a secure family life blessed with children when young enough not to run into difficulties conceiving. 29/30 is not young in terms of starting a family if this is in a couples life plan. Life is far too short to put it off.

Unless your husband steps up, then your marriage is already over. There's so many ways for it to fail, but it will - can you imagine him finally deciding everything is perfect enough for a baby then having to be strong enough to navigate a traumatic fertility journey?

And why don't you argue? That doesn't sound healthy - conflict which is resolved healthily plays an important part in a relationship.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

He is not the decision maker. He isn't your boss. Plus , he has a lot of responsibility for how you got here.

You decide.

It's only unsafe because people don't actually pull out (as in the OPs case)

It has a similar rate of getting pregnant as condom use. The pill is only slightly better.

Obviously it isn't suitable for casual sex but in a committed relationship where a pregnancy wouldn't be a disaster the withdrawal method isn't a bad choice.

OP you are the perfect age for having your first baby, if your husband doesn;t want to now he probably won't in 2 years either. I would not terminate in your position unless you are content with the possibility that you may never have children. If you do terminate, how will you feel if your husband never wants children or leaves you for someone else or you try again in 3 years time and can't get pregnant? Only if you think those risks are worth taking should you terminate. It would be a really big sacrifice to make for your relationship and you may end up resenting it.

If you were 22 and had years ahead it would be a different matter. At 29 you don't have time on your side, now you've discovered your husband's true feelings on the matter.

Hopefully it is just shock but you need to have a serious conversation, don't be tempted to just do what he wants to preserve the relationship.

Your DH sounds less like a dear and more like a dick, IMO. I'm firmly for abortion rights for women, but men who get drunk, don't pull out and have been married 7 years think they can demand or even ASK for his wife to go through an abortion are being dicks. How dare he!

Also, fertility is not guaranteed. The fact that you've used the pull-out method for six years and never gotten pregnant tells me your fertility might not be as strong as you could hope for. If this pregnancy was your one and only chance, you'll hate your DH forever, I imagine.

And I'm speaking from a similar place where I was 32 and got pregnant from pull-out method. We weren't even married! We did end up getting married and had one more child, and he did sulk around a bit in the beginning (though never asked me to get an abortion) but I look now on my oldest and can't imagine a life without her. If you want a baby, don't blow your chance.

He couldn’t even say he wants you to have an abortion. He said you would have to “go to the doctor”!! He therefore knows what a horrendous thing he has said - you are not young, you are a long established couple. Ok so you’re not on the housing ladder. Either set of parents able to help since you have a baby on the way?

perhaps he’s just in shock.

keep the baby anyway. You want it, he came inside you. Is he thick?

There have been a few threads like this on here.

What species of selfish, heartless, irresponsible, man child, immoral, disrespectful creatures are we breeding these days; instead of actual men.

Men used to, when they impregnated someone (often with way less risky repeated behaviour than this) step up, get married and knuckle down to being a father. They didn't say "I don't fancy a baby yet; go and get it scraped out. Maybe I'll fancy being a Dad in a couple of years, if you're lucky. You can keep shagging me in the meantime though".

Women need to start holding men accountable and not putting up with this sort of incredibly entitled, selfish, cruel, irresponsible behaviour.

Yes but he did previously say he wanted children, just "not yet". So his reaction seems a bit off to say the least. When did he want to have the children? Surely the only reason to delay past 30 is no husband. Given the increasing risks to mother and baby it's daft to put it off longer than that if you're in a stable relationship. I would be suspicious that he's not committed to the relationship with that reaction.

@itsalongwaybackfromsorry
Having unprotected sex may be consent to the possibility of pregnancy. Becoming pregnant is not consent to having a baby. There is a wide range of difference between the 2 situations. Rational people give serious thought to their readiness to bring a life into the world. Do not make a villain of a man or woman who recognizes that they may not be prepared to be a parent. There are far too many children suffering because they were born to people who should never have been parents.

Always wanting to be a parent is not the same as being prepared to become a parent. A child deserves far more than a once the child is born he or she might come to want it.

@CubaLibre23

Sorry this is ridiculous. You should learn a bit of history and find out how often men abandoned pregnant women