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Original poster

My boyfriend let his ex wife upstairs in our house

153 replies

Melissamumof1 · 16/11/2023 23:03

Hello,

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable here...

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 9 months ago. He's been split from his ex wife for 5 years and they have 2 children together.

She came to the house to collect their kids one day when I wasn't there and insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house.

My boyfriend allowed this but didn't tell me about it for a couple of months when it just happened to come into conversation. I feel like my personal space has been invaded and intruded on and it's upset me. My boyfriend can't see why I'm upset. Are my feelings justified?

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

Please help I feel like I'm not being respected. My boyfriend even said he wouldn't be ok if I had done the same with my daughters dad. But it seems to be ok for him.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 16/11/2023 23:24

Well if he wouldn’t be ok with it then he shouldn’t be doing it. And how can he not understand why you would be upset? Maybe he was caught out on the spot by her. Doesn’t make it ok but understandable maybe. And checking I assume if the clothes from her house were there may have seemed to him a genuine reason for it. However I wouldn’t be happy about it, I would probably be livid tbh. I also wouldn’t be happy that I wasn’t told at the time. If he doesn’t see a problem is he going to allow it again?

SoInLuv · 16/11/2023 23:32

You're not being unreasonable at all. He should've told you but worse than the ex wife going upstairs invading your personal space is the fact she can send inappropriate messages to your boyfriend...

He should have a firm conversation with her telling her to only message him if it's to do with their daughters. I'd even say, tell her not to call his phone at all, just texts and only if necessary (so eg not "she's not going to brush her teeth, can you come and sort it out?!" type of thing).

billy1966 · 17/11/2023 00:13

Yanbu and have probably moved in with him far too quickly.

He sounds a bit dim if he doesn't get your natural desire for privacy and those inappropriate message he keeps getting would give me the ICK.

He doesn't sound great.

jsku · 17/11/2023 00:18

Presumably exW came to the kids’ room -
not rummaged in your bedroom?

I think you are really more annoyed/jealous about her behaviour towards your bf. So -
this seems a bigger thing that it should be.

It’s hard to tell much about her need to check kids clothes - without knowing kids ages and general setup of the logistics. Maybe there was a reason. Maybe she was noisy.
He should have just kept his mouth shut to not upset you as you are clearly triggered by her.
Is your bf properly divorced, btw? You mentioned separation but not divorce. Is that an issue?

Finally - not sure how he thinks that different rules apply to his Ex vs yours.

Beentheredonethat123 · 17/11/2023 00:29

I'd be absolutely effin RAGING.
Huge line crossed here.
I'd be having 2nd thoughts about this relationship, he should be putting your needs and feelings first.
Very dodgy re the messages, does he show you and more importantly, is his phone locked, as in, do you know if he's replying or leading her on?

JFDIYOLO · 17/11/2023 00:38

Is it the child's own bedroom? In which case I don't think it's unreasonable to allow a mother into her kids bedroom, or for her to check their clothes. And they do tend to be upstairs.

But the messaging - no.
He's her ex. He's your partner. She has a partner.
Personally I'd be telling her very clearly to stop. And he needs to do the same. A united front.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 17/11/2023 00:43

Bedroom would not bother me, but the messages? That would put me over the edge.

He likes her attention and that's a deal breaker in my opinion.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2023 00:43

Why you are with this man is beyond me. He's nothing but a headache.

SD1978 · 17/11/2023 00:44

Was it his house you moved into? Has she always done this because he's useless at updating the kids wardrobe with sizing so she's had to do it before? Whilst I completely get why you're upset and see it as an invasion of your space, if he's always expected her to keep him right with the kids, it's obviously something you'd have to tell him you don't find appropriate

crumblingschools · 17/11/2023 00:44

I think you need to be concentrating on the messages

Thisoldchestnut · 17/11/2023 00:45

My now dh was contacted by his ex wife while we were on holiday once, I contacted her directly and told her in no uncertain terms to back off and stop making herself look ridiculous, it's slightly different for you as kids are involved (he should grow a pair and tell her).

AmazingSnakeHead · 17/11/2023 00:46

YABU. She is the kids' mum, why can't she go into their bedroom? Much better for the kids to see that their own family is allowed in their room. The ex wife will be in your lives for many more years to come. I would be unhappy with DP saying that a friend can't come into the house. The ex wife is more than a friend, she is the kid's mum. No reason why she can't come in.

Edit: Don't move in with people if you won't allow their mums to visit! Kids are not pawns in a game, they are real living breathing people, who should be allowed to have their loved ones round.

hoobanoobie · 17/11/2023 00:56

Does he provide adequate clothing for his kids when they stay with him? As opposed to the mother having to send clothes with them which may or may not make it back to her. This sounds like she's checking that he's meeting her children's requirements. If that's not the case then certainly she has no reason to go upstairs and check. She's probably checking their sleeping arrangements are suitable too. Is there a bit of back story here that's going to be drip fed? Does she have reason to be concerned or are you saying that she's violated your household boundaries unnecessarily because all of her kids needs and requirements are being met because you have witnessed so?
If he's not passing muster here then you have to admit it and that their mum was right to check. And judge him yourself.

Hereforthebunfights · 17/11/2023 01:06

Only one thing for it OP, you are going to have to piss on the floor to mark your territory.

NuffSaidSam · 17/11/2023 01:10

The bedroom thing is fine.

The red flags are the messages from the ex and that he wouldn't be comfortable with DD's dad looking at her clothes/going on her bedroom.

I think you're focussing on the wrong thing here.

Original poster
Melissamumof1 · 17/11/2023 08:02

Yes he's properly divorced.

we've had a conversation about the messages and doesn't reciprocate them, but we can't stop her from sending inappropriate messages.

it's not that I'm focusing on the wrong thing here, I'm simply asking for opinions on this one particular thing, it doesn't mean im Only focused on this.

I wouldn't let my ex husband into my home upstairs, i find it inappropriate, and disrespectful to my bf.

he buys his children (7&10) everything they have, and sends stuff for them to have at his ex's house as she doesn't have much money to buy things herself. So it's not a case of him not providing or having adequate things.

The house we live in is ours and we moved in together, she's never lived here.

OP posts:
Poppy128xx · 17/11/2023 08:21

AmazingSnakeHead · 17/11/2023 00:46

YABU. She is the kids' mum, why can't she go into their bedroom? Much better for the kids to see that their own family is allowed in their room. The ex wife will be in your lives for many more years to come. I would be unhappy with DP saying that a friend can't come into the house. The ex wife is more than a friend, she is the kid's mum. No reason why she can't come in.

Edit: Don't move in with people if you won't allow their mums to visit! Kids are not pawns in a game, they are real living breathing people, who should be allowed to have their loved ones round.

Edited

Err because it's not her house?!?

Being the kids mum doesn't mean she can just waltz in to their house whenever she likes Jesus.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 17/11/2023 08:24

I wouldn't have wanted her over the threshold personally.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 17/11/2023 08:26

He could stop her sending inappropriate messages if he wanted to by setting firm boundaries.

jsku · 17/11/2023 08:30

@Melissamumof1

There is nothing disrespectful or inappropriate in the Ex entering the house. Unless they were alone and you have grounds to suspect they had been up to no good.

Kids are still small and can’t properly organise themselves. People need to co-parent. And who knows what went on - maybe the kids atm said they wanted het to come to their rooms, etc.
Its better the kids don’t see animosity and aren’t affected by strained relationship of divorced parents.

I get it that you don’t like it she was in the house.. But really - your strength of feelings about it is because of her behaviour otherwise. You seem threatened by her somehow.
I don’t think you need to be though. Your bf has chosen not to be with her. And he ignores her suggestive messages.

She is being ridiculous - so treat it as such rather than be angry at him.

gannett · 17/11/2023 08:33

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

This is your problem, not her going into her own child's bedroom, which is not a problem at all or even particularly noteworthy. Your language around feeling "invaded" and "intruded" is extremely dramatic and hard to take seriously.

The messages sound very inappropriate. I imagine he wants to maintain a decent relationship with her for co-parenting purposes so can understand if he doesn't want to cause drama, but he could set boundaries better in a bland "that's inappropriate" way.

AtomicPumpkin · 17/11/2023 08:40

How do you know about the messages? Does your boyfriend show you the messages? Why is he doing that, rather than deleting them and telling his ex to cut it out? Maybe he likes having the attention of two women.

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 08:58

It was an invasion of your privacy. It’s happened now and can’t be undone but I’d make it absolutely clear to him that you consider it an error of judgement on his part and that it isn’t to happen again.

Thisistyresome · 17/11/2023 08:59

Poppy128xx · 17/11/2023 08:21

Err because it's not her house?!?

Being the kids mum doesn't mean she can just waltz in to their house whenever she likes Jesus.

Show quote history

Imagine if someone said:
"My MIL wanders around our house because, she is my partners mother so we can't say no."

He sounds a bit dumb and not seeing her attempt to manipulate here. He needs to find a way to draw some lines here.

AmazingSnakeHead · 17/11/2023 09:09

Poppy128xx · 17/11/2023 08:21

Err because it's not her house?!?

Being the kids mum doesn't mean she can just waltz in to their house whenever she likes Jesus.

Show quote history

The boyfriend invited her in, she didn't invite herself. You should not move in with someone if you won't allow their family into your house.