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Original poster

My boyfriend let his ex wife upstairs in our house

153 replies

Melissamumof1 · 16/11/2023 23:03

Hello,

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable here...

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 9 months ago. He's been split from his ex wife for 5 years and they have 2 children together.

She came to the house to collect their kids one day when I wasn't there and insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house.

My boyfriend allowed this but didn't tell me about it for a couple of months when it just happened to come into conversation. I feel like my personal space has been invaded and intruded on and it's upset me. My boyfriend can't see why I'm upset. Are my feelings justified?

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

Please help I feel like I'm not being respected. My boyfriend even said he wouldn't be ok if I had done the same with my daughters dad. But it seems to be ok for him.

OP posts:
WrongSwanson · 17/11/2023 10:34

I always think - would she be happy for you to wander freely round her home? I bet that's a hard no. So set the same rules.

I realised DH ex didn't even invite me in the house when I was helping her out in a major way, yet she was freely wandering all over mine whenever she felt like it.

betterangels · 17/11/2023 10:58

category12 · 17/11/2023 09:45

I do think op has a boyfriend problem. He's not shutting down the ex properly and I think is encouraging her. It's a drama triangle op should probably step out of.

Agree. Save yourself the aggro, OP.

November2024Mummy · 17/11/2023 10:58

TheCadoganArms · 17/11/2023 10:13

Lets be honest most blokes just see the bedroom as literally a room with a bed in it where as women more often see it as some kind of holy inner sanctum that only the chosen few can enter and even that is only possible with 6 weeks advanced notice so all those random socks, bras and nix can be stuffed into a draw and the 36 cushions that live on the floor most of the time can be neatly arranged show home style on the bed.

So? Nobody needs to go in another adults bedroom anyway.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 17/11/2023 12:01

For me it would be the omission (if you are only asking about the ex upstairs).
Why didn't he tell you at the time?
Does he ever say to her 'don't talk about @Melissamumof1 like that' ?

Would you consider him him generally weak willed? Did his ex always try and bully him maybe?
I don't know, but if your partner doesn't respect your boundaries then I don't see a happy future.

GirlOfTudor · 17/11/2023 13:59

I wasn't on your side until the inappropriate messages and jealousy from the ex wife. You have a reason not to trust her, or your boyfriend. Why isn't he shutting down her inappropriate behaviour? You know the answer to that. Did she use the checking the kids clothes as an excuse to snoop? I'd be considering whether this stress is worth it.

FiestyGemini · 17/11/2023 14:08

Did she touch anything, pass judgment or anything else? I don't think I'd mind but I would want to be as comfortable as possible with a step parent. I'm not getting in the bed just checking clothes? Your partner should know how you feel to manage this in the future. Mind you I gave Foster kids in my house so nothing is private.

Night409 · 17/11/2023 14:11

It depends what sort of relationship they have.

My brother will go into his ex’s home and vice versa.
My friend stays in the family home when she has the kids and her ex stays with his gf.
My other friend would not have her ex even knock on the door.

None of us can really say whether it was U for your DP to let her into his own home or not.

What isn’t appropriate is the fact she’s sending him inappropriate messages and he’s not shutting it down straight away.

Honestly, I’d be questioning how often she’s coming into the home and if there’s anything going on between them.

There is no way she’d have gone upstairs to look at the kids clothes.
There would be no reason to.

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 14:18

Just out of interest, I know he initially did not mention to you his ex had been upstairs to check the clothes, but how did it eventually come out that she had? ( please don’t tell me she had accidentally dropped her underwear while checking and you found it under the childrens bed and you found them while hoovering or similar!) I mean this may be irrelevant but was just wondering what made him reveal it in the end.

Ju1ieAndrews · 17/11/2023 14:21

The key thing here is that your boyfriend wouldn't be happy if the situation was reversed.

These things rarely happen in units of one, by which I mean if he genuinely thinks you aren't "allowed" to do something which he is, then this double-standard will probably stretch to other areas of you life.

For example, he seems ok with flirting with women (or not stamping out his ex flirting with him) but I bet he wouldn't like you to flirt with men/not tell them to back off if they flirt with you.

Once you see a double-standard in a relationship, you'll start noticing them more and more. So do check if this is really a one-off, or is it the tip of a red flag mountain.

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 14:29

Ju1ieAndrews · 17/11/2023 14:21

The key thing here is that your boyfriend wouldn't be happy if the situation was reversed.

These things rarely happen in units of one, by which I mean if he genuinely thinks you aren't "allowed" to do something which he is, then this double-standard will probably stretch to other areas of you life.

For example, he seems ok with flirting with women (or not stamping out his ex flirting with him) but I bet he wouldn't like you to flirt with men/not tell them to back off if they flirt with you.

Once you see a double-standard in a relationship, you'll start noticing them more and more. So do check if this is really a one-off, or is it the tip of a red flag mountain.

Agree. Also I know you felt reassured he was showing you these texts, and I agree it would be worse if he’d kept that to himself as well, but I can’t help questioning his motivations in doing so given he appears to then do nothing about it. It’s one thing to show you for full disclosure and then speak to her about it, but it’s another thing to show you and then just let her keep on at it. And that “other thing” looks to me a bit like a smug : “ah look: still wants me !”

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 17/11/2023 14:48

@Poppy128xx There's a huge difference between OP's boyfriend giving his kids' mum PERMISSION to enter his house and come up to his kids' room/s and her "waltzing in whenever she likes"

Please don't make shit up to fit your own narrative

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 17/11/2023 14:49

Poppy128xx · 17/11/2023 09:12

@AmazingSnakeHead you've literally just proven my point there because she isn't family lol...

Of course she is family! 🤣🤣🤣 She gave birth to his kids! 🤣🤣🤣

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 17/11/2023 14:49

@November2024Mummy You have NO right to tell any poster to be quiet!

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 17/11/2023 14:52

@Melissamumof1 It isn't really anything to do with you! It's his house too and they are co-parenting! It's THEIR child's bedroom and THEIR child's clothes! It's none of your business and you have no right to tell him or his kids that they can’t have their mummy see where they sleep when they're away from her.

Wheelz46 · 17/11/2023 15:14

The messages sound inappropriate but the going upstairs, I personally see no issue with unless she entered your bedroom.

What if she needed the toilet and you only have an upstairs bathroom, would you not let her use it?

Original poster
Melissamumof1 · 17/11/2023 15:35

wowza, very aggressive, you ok?

I haven't told anyone anything by the way, I merely am asking for thoughts and advice. 😊

You can't really say it has nothing to do with me when It also happens to be where myself and my child lives and my child shares a bedroom with one of my partners children. I pay for this house. I wouldn't dream of entering my ex husbands home and he doesn't live with his girlfriend.

having spoken to my partner about it all he said he didn't want her to come in but thought she would get annoyed if he said no and she is extremely aggressive and confrontational with him so he wanted to save himself the agro.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 15:44

Yup some super aggressive rants on here! I’m glad OP that he agrees it was a bit intrusive. Of course you may well agree to allowing her in because of the children - but the point is about you being asked. Maybe give him a prod re those texts as well: she sounds like a big overstepped.

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 15:44

Sorry “ big overstepper “

betterangels · 17/11/2023 15:50

he said he didn't want her to come in but thought she would get annoyed if he said no and she is extremely aggressive and confrontational with him so he wanted to save himself the agro.

I'd listen to what he's saying here, loud and clear. He'd rather avoid annoying her than anything else. Which is probably also why he isn't shutting the inappropriate messages down. I'd really listen. This is where his priorities are.

Pezdeoro41 · 17/11/2023 15:59

I wouldn’t really have an problem with the clothes as it’s a practical issue involving her children, but the other points you raise sound more a problem (and obviously the prism you are looking through). Does he have poor boundaries with her in general, in terms of how he handles these messages etc?

WrongSwanson · 17/11/2023 16:36

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 17/11/2023 14:52

@Melissamumof1 It isn't really anything to do with you! It's his house too and they are co-parenting! It's THEIR child's bedroom and THEIR child's clothes! It's none of your business and you have no right to tell him or his kids that they can’t have their mummy see where they sleep when they're away from her.

What nonsense. Boundaries in a shared house need to work for everyone.

damay1974 · 17/11/2023 16:42

Well said as a divorced parent the kids always come first on here saying he should put you first ? Not if he's a real dad if showing her clothes in there child's room settles the situation in any way it's worth it I presume the child was there at the time. To many women put themselves over partners children in this feelings are everything time we live in the children come first Ur the adult in this situation and he should have told you at the time but if this is Ur response maybe you should look at urself and why he never told you

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2023 16:58

Melissamumof1 · 17/11/2023 08:02

Yes he's properly divorced.

we've had a conversation about the messages and doesn't reciprocate them, but we can't stop her from sending inappropriate messages.

it's not that I'm focusing on the wrong thing here, I'm simply asking for opinions on this one particular thing, it doesn't mean im Only focused on this.

I wouldn't let my ex husband into my home upstairs, i find it inappropriate, and disrespectful to my bf.

he buys his children (7&10) everything they have, and sends stuff for them to have at his ex's house as she doesn't have much money to buy things herself. So it's not a case of him not providing or having adequate things.

The house we live in is ours and we moved in together, she's never lived here.

I agree with you.

She's got no rights to go in any rooms in your house.

The DC's father knows what's in the room. Their mother knows what's in their other bedroom

That's enough

SpongeBob2022 · 17/11/2023 17:02

AmazingSnakeHead · 17/11/2023 00:46

YABU. She is the kids' mum, why can't she go into their bedroom? Much better for the kids to see that their own family is allowed in their room. The ex wife will be in your lives for many more years to come. I would be unhappy with DP saying that a friend can't come into the house. The ex wife is more than a friend, she is the kid's mum. No reason why she can't come in.

Edit: Don't move in with people if you won't allow their mums to visit! Kids are not pawns in a game, they are real living breathing people, who should be allowed to have their loved ones round.

Edited

I can see you've had a couple of posters replying to disagree with you. I agree with you though!

2jacqi · 17/11/2023 17:04

@Melissamumof1 I am actually wondering if one of those aggressive people posting here is actually your dp's ex wife!!!