My boyfriend let his ex wife upstairs in our house

[Melissamumof1]

Hello,

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable here...

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 9 months ago. He's been split from his ex wife for 5 years and they have 2 children together.

She came to the house to collect their kids one day when I wasn't there and insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house.

My boyfriend allowed this but didn't tell me about it for a couple of months when it just happened to come into conversation. I feel like my personal space has been invaded and intruded on and it's upset me. My boyfriend can't see why I'm upset. Are my feelings justified?

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

Please help I feel like I'm not being respected. My boyfriend even said he wouldn't be ok if I had done the same with my daughters dad. But it seems to be ok for him.

@AmazingSnakeHead you've literally just proven my point there because she isn't family lol...

If only kids bedroom visited, and not your own, I don't see a problem. A friendly relationship is beneficial for everyone involved.

@Thisistyresome

There is a difference about ‘wandering around’, presumably on a regular basis and mother of small children entering their room once for whatever logistical purposes at the time.

Who knows how it happened in the moment all those months ago? Kids or her said - lets go get x,y,z….
Worst thing father could have done is to make an issue in front of kids and make it into a conflict.

Now - if ExW insisted on trumping through the house regularly - sure, an issue.
But a one off - long time ago - not as big a deal OP is making.

In your shoes I wouldn’t be happy.

What steps has he taken to put boundaries in around her inappropriate behaviour? If none then I would wonder why. Why did he allow her in the house and not just no you are not going upstairs?

Things he could do…

*text and directly tell her he doesn’t not want to receive inappropriate texts and that he will only respond to texts about the care of the children.
get a separate brick phone that she can contact him on so it can be turned off when you don’t need to have communication from her.
*put in boudaries around where she is allowed in your home and hold them.
*Ask if she’d be happy with her partner seeing the texts she has written to him.
*Refuse to respond to communication about her partner or her relationship.

if he isn’t taking actual steps to sort the issue of the inappropriate behaviour then I wouldn’t be happy. You can’t stop someone else being inappropriate but you can control how you respond.

Oh be quiet.

We're now playing the think about the children card. I'm convinced posts like these are planted by mnhq because this is... nevermind

I couldn't be arsed about a Mum going into her own child's bedroom (whatever house that is in).

If your DD had a newly decorated room or had something she was proud of in there you wouldn't let her show her Dad when he came to pick her up? That's a bit sad for the kids, IMO.

It's their home too, and they're not the reason they don't live with both parents.

She's flirting with OP's boyfriend and insulting her to him.

The only thing op has mentioned is the the ex…

“ insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house. “

This is not friendly. It’s controlling and crossing boundaries and questioning fathers care of the children.

If she’d asked to go up because the children want to show her their room or she’d been invited for some other child related reason that’s different, but insisting you enter your exs home to inspect the clothes they have for the children is not friendly.

Of course it might not have happened liked that. It’s possible that’s the spin Ops partner put on it.

Yes, but that has no bearing on whether it's OK for her to see the children's bedroom, really. It's two different things.

If she went up to rummage through ops knicker drawer or attempt to seduce the boyfriend, then that's on him to manage and put a stop to.

But of itself, a parent wanting to see where their kid is sleeping isn't out of bounds.

Of course it has a bearing. It shows his ex has a pattern of inappropriate and abusive behaviour and that his ex is happy to cross boundaries. That context is very clearly relevant, because it’s absolutely fine and necessary to have firm boundaries with people who act inappropriately.

If there were no issues with other inappropriate behaviour from the ex then the visit to the kids room at Ops house would be something of nothing. However her “insisting” (not asking or wanting but insisting) to see the room in the context of the other behaviour is obviously inappropriate.

I don’t have this rule no, on upstairs, I know a lot of mumsnetters do. But for me there is no difference in being upstairs or down, and she was just looking for the clothes. So no it wouldn’t bother me.

Yes, but that has no bearing on whether it's OK for her to see the children's bedroom, really. It's two different things.

What - she wouldn't even be in my house if she couldn't behave herself! Op is way more accommodating than she should be

How do you know how long they’ve been together before moving in together?
Op said that they moved in together 9 months ago but gave no information on how long they had been together before that.

YABU. She is the kids' mum, why can't she go into their bedroom? Much better for the kids to see that their own family is allowed in their room. The ex wife will be in your lives for many more years to come. I would be unhappy with DP saying that a friend can't come into the house. The ex wife is more than a friend, she is the kid's mum. No reason why she can't come in.

It's not her house. The OP is not unreasonable to want some boundaries. The boyfriend needs to cop on.

Doesn't need - but in a reasonable or amicable co-parenting arrangement (obviously not the case here), there's no harm in asking and no real reason to deny it.

It's not necessarily about judging the other parent's decisions but just having a mental picture of your kids environment when apart.

My ex was quite proud to show what he'd done for the kids.

insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house.

How did she 'insist'? Why didn't he say no?

It is not about taking a pick to the kids clothes, it is about the constant piss taking they got ongoing.

None of them seems to respect your or your boundaries.

You are not unreasonable to fell that way because both of them are bollocks.

I think the issue here was the ex didn’t ask, she demanded. And from what I understand OP herself wasn’t asked at all: it all happened behind her back.

This may sound dramatic but I do feel slightly betrayed as I feel it was a bit sneaky and that I purposely wasn't told for a couple of months because he knew it wasn't really ok.

he shows me the messages and tuts at them. He tries to keep it about the kids to be fair to him.

I think if she was genuinely pleasant and didn't constantly call me names to my bf then I wouldn't have such a problem with it but she's been really disrespectful of me to him and then just walces into my house and upstairs.

She's the kid's family, whose room she was in, "lol"...

@AmazingSnakeHead so with that logic I'll just strut into my third cousin twice removed bedroom because they're my family & I have the right!

You are bonkers.

Do you think he shagged her in your house? In your bed? Most men would given half a chance.

Yeah, I partially agree.

One thing tho, surely it’s equally his home - so in principle, should he have to ask op where in the house any given person has access to?

If there wasn't all the attached drama, if he wanted to let his ex see the kids bedroom, is it really something the current partner should get to veto?

You must have terribly poor taste in men.