My boyfriend let his ex wife upstairs in our house

[Melissamumof1]

Hello,

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable here...

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 9 months ago. He's been split from his ex wife for 5 years and they have 2 children together.

She came to the house to collect their kids one day when I wasn't there and insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house.

My boyfriend allowed this but didn't tell me about it for a couple of months when it just happened to come into conversation. I feel like my personal space has been invaded and intruded on and it's upset me. My boyfriend can't see why I'm upset. Are my feelings justified?

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

Please help I feel like I'm not being respected. My boyfriend even said he wouldn't be ok if I had done the same with my daughters dad. But it seems to be ok for him.

I agree OP about the not telling you. There was nothing to stop him saying “ I think that’s probably fine but I’ll just call OP to make sure she feels comfortable.” Even if he couldn’t reach you, it would have signalled boundaries. If you had had a missed call on your phone, I’m sure you would feel less sidelined- in your own home .

I do think op has a boyfriend problem. He's not shutting down the ex properly and I think is encouraging her. It's a drama triangle op should probably step out of.

Amazing. You think it's so unbelievable that someone would think it's fine for a mum to go into their kids' bedroom that you're convinced I am not a real person? You are convinced that no possible real person could have this opinion? Don't know what to tell you, but that's very funny to me.

When I was a child my divorced parents were allowed in each of my houses. It was nice. It made me feel like I had a family that was connected, even though they weren't romantically together and weren't a family with each other. In my (apparently so outrageous only a stooge could hold it) opinion, this is a better scenario than one where you have to say "sorry guys, mummy isn't allowed inside our house because she's not my family anymore".

I agree. This issue here is that ops partner, for whatever reason, isn’t managing the I appreciate behaviour from his ex well enough. Either he’s scared/unable to because his ex is dominating and controlling; or he actually doesn’t want to manage it and doesn’t mind her being inappropriate. Both of those are issues.

People are failing to recognise that this is not an amicable coparenting relationship if the ex is name calling & sending sexual messages to OP's partner. Therefore it's completely besides the point whether it's a 'nice thing' to do for the kids sake. This woman is trying to dominate & exert her control on the situation. Fact is, when you separate you have no say in what your kids do / wear / see when with the other parent.

…and also failing to recognise that in this instance OP wasn’t given the opportunity to allow it to be a “nice situation.” She might have felt completely differently about the ex going up if she’d actually been asked to agree to a “nice situation,”

It's like you're deliberately missing the point where the boyfriend , whom also owns the house ,said it was ok. If your third cousin twice removed invited you in then yeah, you may go in? What's "bonkers" about that?

The ex sounds like she engages in dog-like territory marking. Esp the texts.

Did your mum text insults to your dad about his new partner, or talk to him about how she doesn’t want to be with her new partner or text sexual comments to him. If not then your situation isn’t the same.

OBVIOUSLY in an amicable relationships everyone feeling comfortable in each others home would probably be great for the children. However this isn’t, apparently, an amicable and comfortable relationship. If one parent is controlling/demanding/dominant then it might actually be best for the children that each parent has their own space and boundaries so that potential for conflict and abusive behaviour is reduced.

I don’t understand why so many people are reply on the basis of this being an amicable relationship, when the op has given wider context showing that there is disharmony.

I don’t understand why so many people are reply on the basis of this being an amicable relationship, when the op has given wider context showing that there is disharmony.

The OP made it explicit that she wanted advice on this apsect of it, irrespective of the wider context.

Anyway I don't have anything else to add. OP if you don't like it talk to your boyfriend. But if I were you I'd come down hard on the secrecy, but be open to her being in the house. It's how he's handled it that's the problem.

The best way to deal with idiots who do that sort of thing is not to play their game. That kind of territory marking is meaningless and anyone who does it just looks infantile.

There's nothing inherently wrong (or "intrusive") about this ex going into her own child's bedroom at a different house. She's not rummaging through the OP's drawers or even going into her bedroom. If the ex thinks she's making some sort of statement by it, let her. Because she really isn't doing anything meaningful.

The texts are more of an issue but according to OP they're one-sided and she's happy with how her boyfriend deals with them. Ultimately all you can do if someone (who you need to maintain a coparenting relationship with) sends such messages is blandly ignore.

But she didn’t “get to veto.” My husband once took his brother up to our room to help him lift a box into storage. I was so embarrassed ( and think my BIL was) as I had a haul of dirty bras and g strings on the bed ready for laundering. They were kind of “slung” in a stripteasey way just because I’m a bit rusty rushy with housework ( hate it!) . I said to DH please just ask first next time. And it’s his house. But also mine.

Which upstairs rooms did she look in OP? If it was just the kids' rooms, then I think you are being a tad unreasonable.

The messages on the other hand are totally inappropriate. Your boyfriend needs to reply to them to shut them down. A simple "please keep the messages about the kids and stop sending me these kind of messages" should suffice.

@Melissamumof1 sorry but she wouldnt get past the doorstep!!! your partner is an idiot if he thought that it was ok!! she should be buying kids clothes too, not leaving it all to your partner. who does the majority of the care? him or her? are they more often at your house or her house? do you honestly think she would allow you to go into their rooms at her house to search for clothes????? I think not! she only needs to text if there is a problem with one of the kids. absolutely nothing else and you have to lay that on the line for her!!!

Lets be honest most blokes just see the bedroom as literally a room with a bed in it where as women more often see it as some kind of holy inner sanctum that only the chosen few can enter and even that is only possible with 6 weeks advanced notice so all those random socks, bras and nix can be stuffed into a draw and the 36 cushions that live on the floor most of the time can be neatly arranged show home style on the bed.

… or at the very least g-strings not spread-eagled. It’s just basic courtesy to check before invading the private areas if a home - which upstairs is.

It is not her house right ? So she has to be allowed to go to certain rooms of the house. Nothing else to discuss. If she needs to know about the clothes, she can videocall or ask for pics. Does your partner allow her to go to their bedroom and wardrobe ?

My boyfriend even said he wouldn't be ok if I had done the same with my daughters dad.

Thats Why You dont feel respected. It’s one rule for you and another for him. Whatever works best for him in the spur of the moment.

his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

And that is showing he isn’t ready to put boundaries in place with her. Which ALSO shows how little respect he has for you.
Not answering the inutendos isn’t enough. He should have put an end to that a long time ago, wo you having to tell him.

Your issue isn’t the ex coming in the children’s bedroom (even though it’s part of the picture). It’s the fact your DP is expecting you to accept very blurry boundaries between him and his ex.p because he can’t establish them.

It's also your privacy

Also I don’t get why the children’s dad couldn’t go and check/get whatever was needing sorting. He sounds kinda milky passive to a fault.

She still thinks she has control over him and I guess she has because they have kids together. But no one should have the amount of control over him like that .

What the hell was she doing in your house , your personal space ? You need to put up boundaries here . She stays on the doorstep.

You need to put up a doorbell cam . That will tell you who comes into your house when you are not there . And make it plain to your partner if she does he's out . Stand up for yourself OP you should come first in his life after his children.

I don't know. My ex husband has been upstairs the the dc's bedrooms in the home I share with my dp since we separated. I used to own it with my ex but bought him out when we divorced. My dp doesn't mind.

Likewise, I have been upstairs in his house to my dc's rooms there. They wanted me to see their rooms and I've had to help the get their stuff packed up before when collecting them from his. We wouldn't go snooping in each other's bedrooms though.

Me and my ex also message a lot. Usually about the dc but also sometimes about other things (mutual friends, health concerns, etc).

We are divorced for a reason and my dp trusts me. If my ex were to send me messages that crossed a line I wouldn't be reciprocating and would tell him it wasn't ok.

Yanbu. It's so important in blended families to still have some boundaries.

We didn't set enough with DH ex wife and it got to the point she was being rude to me, in my own home, when I was ill. She's now banned from entering the house . I wish we had set clearer boundaries sooner so it didn't get to a ridiculous point.

(I am certain she has ASD like DSD, and I think has no sense of appropriate behaviour, so I tolerated a lot before reaching the end of my rope)

I don’t think there’s anything weird at all about the ex going up to their rooms. But I do think it’s weird to not check first withOP who lives there and then for Dp to withhold the fact despite admitting he wouldn’t have liked it in the reverse. It’s not going to the room that’s the issue, it’s the process of the ex getting that access.

@AmazingSnakeHead 🙄