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Original poster

My boyfriend let his ex wife upstairs in our house

153 replies

Melissamumof1 · 16/11/2023 23:03

Hello,

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable here...

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 9 months ago. He's been split from his ex wife for 5 years and they have 2 children together.

She came to the house to collect their kids one day when I wasn't there and insisted on coming upstairs to see what clothes their kids had at our house.

My boyfriend allowed this but didn't tell me about it for a couple of months when it just happened to come into conversation. I feel like my personal space has been invaded and intruded on and it's upset me. My boyfriend can't see why I'm upset. Are my feelings justified?

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

Please help I feel like I'm not being respected. My boyfriend even said he wouldn't be ok if I had done the same with my daughters dad. But it seems to be ok for him.

OP posts:
MustWeDoThis · 18/11/2023 05:22

I know she is disrespectful toward you, but she does have a child living there and has a right to check what clothing that child has - Whether you like it or not.

In that case - The next time she wants to know, tell your partner to photograph the clothing and send her a picture. That way she will not need to go upstairs. It's likely she forced access to cause an argument between you both. Don't give her the satisfaction of this!

Your partner sounds a bit weak and dim, or he's just playing stupid. He needs to send a strongly worded message/conversation to his Ex, advising she refrains from verbally abusing/harassing you, or you will report it to the police (You can actually do this yourself and show Police the evidence of the abuse you recieve).

Threatening to take the children away is actually illegal now - The actual act of threatening to take them/blackmail, emotional abuse etc is punishable by law. You can refer yourself to social services over this and go for full custody. You can also then apply for supervised visits via mediation only in a contact centre. This way you can block her on social media and only message you both regarding the children.

The fact that his ex continues to message him inappropriately and he has done nothing to stop it, but continues to show you these messages makes me think he does it to make you jealous.

Neither of you sound very trusting of the other with your Ex's, but you must realise they are always going to be a part of your life. For the sake of the children you all need to find a level ground, take the moral high ground, and be firm.

You say you pay for the house? He sounds like a cocklodger. Does he pay for anything? Does he work? Did he pay for anything when married? Why did they divorce?

Maybe show the inappropriate messages to her partner. Forward them on, or screenshot them for social media and make your partner tag her in them and politely ask, "Please stop sexually harassing me. Thank you." Dose of humiliation goes a long way.

Otherwise? Kick him out. You sound too smart for him.

pinkyredrose · 18/11/2023 11:20

GrowingupAgain · 17/11/2023 19:20

My boyfriend still has not moved his belongings out of his ex wife's home more than two years after their divorce was finalized. He goes over there in the evenings for hours and doesn't communicate with me at all while there . Says he is working on getting his things together and visiting his kids, but I am not allowed to stop.by there andif he takes his son to eat somewhere I am never invited.

Are you desperate for a man? Can't think of any other reason why you'd put up with this.

SWSO · 18/11/2023 12:01

The point is that the boyfriend let his ex wife into the OP house while she was not there . This is not ok . This is pushing boundaries. The OP home is her sanctuary and private space . I would be fuming . The ex is rude and nasty too . She's just trying to dominate the OP. I had this problem with a SIL who kept turning up uninvited , walked into my house , announced she was going to take a look upstairs ( new house ) yelled at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted there and then . Told me she could make my O/H do what she wanted , he was hers . I told O/H sort this or we're over . He did and she told him to fuck off .

Whyamiherenow · 19/11/2023 12:47

I would perhaps be worried about the secrecy. However, the mum of my step daughter comes to our house and will go upstairs to step daughters bedroom. She comes in. I invite her in to the house. We have a cuppa. It’s a hard fought for good relationship.

she should be allowed to see where her children sleep etx.

Aprilx · 19/11/2023 13:10

Melissamumof1 · 17/11/2023 09:40

This may sound dramatic but I do feel slightly betrayed as I feel it was a bit sneaky and that I purposely wasn't told for a couple of months because he knew it wasn't really ok.

he shows me the messages and tuts at them. He tries to keep it about the kids to be fair to him.

I think if she was genuinely pleasant and didn't constantly call me names to my bf then I wouldn't have such a problem with it but she's been really disrespectful of me to him and then just walces into my house and upstairs.

She did not just waltz into your house and go upstairs, she asked if she could see the children's clothes (presumably there is a reason for that) and your boyfriend allowed her upstairs.

And he could stop her inappropriate messages in an instant if he wanted to. Instead he seems to like showing them to you. Keeping you on your toes I guess.

WrongSwanson · 19/11/2023 15:18

Whyamiherenow · 19/11/2023 12:47

I would perhaps be worried about the secrecy. However, the mum of my step daughter comes to our house and will go upstairs to step daughters bedroom. She comes in. I invite her in to the house. We have a cuppa. It’s a hard fought for good relationship.

she should be allowed to see where her children sleep etx.

No, it's fine for you but it would be perfectly reasonable for op to set different boundaries. In reality a lot of co parenting relationships aren't going to be brilliant because there is often an unpleasant person or an uneven power dynamic at the heart of a relationship breaking down.

I was like you for ages with dsc step mum, then she behaved really badly and with hindsight I really regret having been such a doormat. She clearly had no respect for me and there was no reciprocation of all the ways I had compromised and allowed erosion of boundaries because I thought it was the right thing for DSC.

We are all allowed to decide who can go (upstairs) in our own home and to exclude from that space anyone who we don't feel respects us

Whyamiherenow · 19/11/2023 16:42

WrongSwanson · 19/11/2023 15:18

No, it's fine for you but it would be perfectly reasonable for op to set different boundaries. In reality a lot of co parenting relationships aren't going to be brilliant because there is often an unpleasant person or an uneven power dynamic at the heart of a relationship breaking down.

I was like you for ages with dsc step mum, then she behaved really badly and with hindsight I really regret having been such a doormat. She clearly had no respect for me and there was no reciprocation of all the ways I had compromised and allowed erosion of boundaries because I thought it was the right thing for DSC.

We are all allowed to decide who can go (upstairs) in our own home and to exclude from that space anyone who we don't feel respects us

Show quote history

I agree with you which is why the secrecy would bother me eg if my partner was letting his ex upstairs in my house without me knowing or agreeing to it I would probably be unhappy. But equally I’m not sure I would be happy letting my child sleep somewhere that I didn’t know what it was like.

I do appreciate each circumstance is unique. I let our son go on play dates with step daughter and her mum alone. Which is potentially odd to some people.

each situation is it’s own and you can only muddle through best you can.

Pandajane · 19/11/2023 18:37

Honestly? And I genuinely hope I'm wrong - I think they're 'friends with benefits' and the reason he told you about this and you are asking about it on here is because he's checking if you are suspicious and your are subconsciously picking up on it. Here's hoping I'm wrong.

Phoenixfire1988 · 19/11/2023 21:45

AmazingSnakeHead · 17/11/2023 00:46

YABU. She is the kids' mum, why can't she go into their bedroom? Much better for the kids to see that their own family is allowed in their room. The ex wife will be in your lives for many more years to come. I would be unhappy with DP saying that a friend can't come into the house. The ex wife is more than a friend, she is the kid's mum. No reason why she can't come in.

Edit: Don't move in with people if you won't allow their mums to visit! Kids are not pawns in a game, they are real living breathing people, who should be allowed to have their loved ones round.

Edited

Why TF would you want to go rummaging round in your exs house it's not at all normal no matter how well you co parent .
Weird AF

YerArseInParsley · 19/11/2023 22:33

Just to note, his ex wife has sent MANY inappropriate messages to him since we've been together including calling me names but also borderline sexual messages to him. She's engaged to her new partner but tells my boyfriend she's not happy with him regularly.

why people think it's OK for the ex to come into the OP's house when she sends sexual messages to her partner and calls her names I just don't understand. So op has to play happy families with the ex and let her into her house whilst she is massively disrespectful just to show the kids how united they are as parents? What part does the ex play in this united front?

I would not let her in my house after the behaviour she displays whether she's the kids mum or not. If the ex wants to have that kind of relationship were she can pop in and out then she needs to be nicer to op, also that means she let's op in her house too if she's there with her partner or she's dropping them off.

Have another conversation with your partner and tell him under no circumstances does ex get in the house. Why does she need to check the kids clothes if it's dad that's buying them? I don't get that excuse. Maybe she wanted to see where the kids sleep, she's seen it now!

YerArseInParsley · 19/11/2023 23:10

MustWeDoThis · 18/11/2023 05:22

I know she is disrespectful toward you, but she does have a child living there and has a right to check what clothing that child has - Whether you like it or not.

In that case - The next time she wants to know, tell your partner to photograph the clothing and send her a picture. That way she will not need to go upstairs. It's likely she forced access to cause an argument between you both. Don't give her the satisfaction of this!

Your partner sounds a bit weak and dim, or he's just playing stupid. He needs to send a strongly worded message/conversation to his Ex, advising she refrains from verbally abusing/harassing you, or you will report it to the police (You can actually do this yourself and show Police the evidence of the abuse you recieve).

Threatening to take the children away is actually illegal now - The actual act of threatening to take them/blackmail, emotional abuse etc is punishable by law. You can refer yourself to social services over this and go for full custody. You can also then apply for supervised visits via mediation only in a contact centre. This way you can block her on social media and only message you both regarding the children.

The fact that his ex continues to message him inappropriately and he has done nothing to stop it, but continues to show you these messages makes me think he does it to make you jealous.

Neither of you sound very trusting of the other with your Ex's, but you must realise they are always going to be a part of your life. For the sake of the children you all need to find a level ground, take the moral high ground, and be firm.

You say you pay for the house? He sounds like a cocklodger. Does he pay for anything? Does he work? Did he pay for anything when married? Why did they divorce?

Maybe show the inappropriate messages to her partner. Forward them on, or screenshot them for social media and make your partner tag her in them and politely ask, "Please stop sexually harassing me. Thank you." Dose of humiliation goes a long way.

Otherwise? Kick him out. You sound too smart for him.

I know she is disrespectful toward you, but she does have a child living there and has a right to check what clothing that child has - Whether you like it or not.

No she doesn't have that right, not when the op said it's dad that buys the clothes.

AuntMarch · 19/11/2023 23:19

I think in an ideal world co-parents should have a good enough relationship the kids can occasionally see them in the same place. My son will, just now and again, ask whichever parent is dropping him off to come in and see a new toy or something and I wouldn't ever want him not to feel able to do that. He has as much right to invite his dad into his home as I do mine.
Neither of us would be enough of a dickhead to slag the other ones new partner off to each other though. I wouldn't expect him to welcome me into his home if we'd argued about his girlfriend! (I assume they did argue, he did stick up for you right??)

But then, **I in no way want him back, so I'd have no reason to be jealous or be anything but pleasant to any girlfriend he has. As long as they wait an appropriate amount of time before she becomes "step mum" and they move in together.

I am rambling, but basically; this is only an issue because of the other issues.

YerArseInParsley · 19/11/2023 23:20

@Melissamumof1

It would be wise to make other arrangements for pick up and drop off. It would be better if your partner dropped the kids back home to their mum, it means she's no where near your house.

Your partner needs to grow a pair and tell her to stop the sexual messages.

Why is your daughter sharing a bedroom with one of your partners kids? I assume it's your daughters main home? She should have her own room. Partners kids have their room at their mums house.

Petercrouchslegs · 19/11/2023 23:22

He married her and she's the mother of his children. It would be a bit weird if she couldn't come into his house and go into their bedrooms..

Poppy128xx · 20/11/2023 09:56

Petercrouchslegs · 19/11/2023 23:22

He married her and she's the mother of his children. It would be a bit weird if she couldn't come into his house and go into their bedrooms..

Yes and now they're not married so it would be weird.

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 10:06

Completely invasion of privacy! She doesn't need to know what clothes the kids have. She's obviously just used that as an excuse to be nosey and your boyfriend is stupid enough to buy it. She shouldn't be in your house at all. Pick ups and drop off can be done at the door like the majority of separated parents do.

What does he do when she sends the inappropriate messages? I hope he doesn't reply. He needs better boundaries with her. Communication only when absolutely necessary via text, no phone calls and only in relation to the kids. Again only when absolutely necessary, to change a pick up time not to discuss what clothes they have or what they're having for dinner.

The double standards needs to stop as well. If he wouldn't like you doing it with your ex then he shouldn't be doing it with his.

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 10:15

People saying she has a right to see where her children are sleeping..... no she doesn't! When you split from the other parent of your kids you just have to accept that you no longer have control of every single aspect of their lives. You need to trust that your ex will provide appropriate accommodation for their kids and you don't get to veto that.

If you have concerns about them living in squalor or not having proper clothing then report it to social services but you don't get to go snooping in someone else's home just to be nosey. Especially when you've slagged off that person and made sexual advances towards their partner. What planet are some people on ,honestly?

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 10:19

AmazingSnakeHead · 17/11/2023 00:46

YABU. She is the kids' mum, why can't she go into their bedroom? Much better for the kids to see that their own family is allowed in their room. The ex wife will be in your lives for many more years to come. I would be unhappy with DP saying that a friend can't come into the house. The ex wife is more than a friend, she is the kid's mum. No reason why she can't come in.

Edit: Don't move in with people if you won't allow their mums to visit! Kids are not pawns in a game, they are real living breathing people, who should be allowed to have their loved ones round.

Edited

Better let my DH know we'll need to live separately now since neither of us would be happy with his psycho abusive ex being in our house.

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 10:22

oreo2024 · 17/11/2023 09:13

If only kids bedroom visited, and not your own, I don't see a problem. A friendly relationship is beneficial for everyone involved.

It's hardly a friendly relationship when the ex slags off OP and makes sexual advances towards her partner is it?

AmazingSnakeHead · 20/11/2023 10:25

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 10:19

Better let my DH know we'll need to live separately now since neither of us would be happy with his psycho abusive ex being in our house.

Show quote history

I can't imagine it being a problem if you both agree, I'd say you're probably ok.

LylaLee · 20/11/2023 10:36

He sounds like a cocklodger.

He gets a maid, sex & childcare, somewhere to live with 2 kids.

You get to take care of someone else's children, with a side-dish of disrespect.

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 10:59

AmazingSnakeHead · 20/11/2023 10:25

I can't imagine it being a problem if you both agree, I'd say you're probably ok.

Show quote history

You don't see someone who has previously punched him infront of a 2 year old being in our home as a problem? Ok then.

KneeQuestion · 20/11/2023 11:49

OP your partner is the issue.

Mari9999 · 20/11/2023 14:31

@Melissamumof1
She went upstairs. She looked for the clothing. She left. The house is still standing. She didn't try to steal anything. She .didn't try to seduce your partner. I assume that you maintain a clean home, so she can't complain about the cleanliness of the environment in which her kids are kept.

What bad or negative outcome came from this? I would guess that she won't have a need to look for clothes again.

Obviously, it bothers you, so I would just ask your partner not to let it happen again.

Purplehearts9066 · 20/11/2023 14:49

She has no such right though. He is a co-parent with (presumably) full PR. I wouldn't accept demands from my ex to check what my children are wearing or being fed or where they're sleeping.
It's tough, I'm afraid, that when your child is with their other parent, they're entitled to care for them as they see fit.
Sure it's much healthier when there's a friendly cordial relationship but that clearly doesn't apply here and the ex has no right to make such demands.