An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

In which country do you live, OP?

We didn't live together so it was a natural discussion. I know you're wrong. I wouldn't want this for my child. It's heartbreaking.

Thank you x

Exactly.

Also I don’t know what country you’re in but even EU countries are significantly more patriarchal than the U.K.

I would be wary of giving such a character any rights at all just for the sake of money which you may have to continually chase for the next 20 years.

He doesnt care about you or your DC OP. You say he has no other DC. If he did care, he would have left the wife for you and his baby around the time he found out about the pregnancy.

Does he have a great job brining in hundreds of thousands? Do you know roughly how much money he earns? If we are talking a couple of grand maintenance, then that is one thing. If we are talking a couple of hundred quid at most, and you are not going to be struggling that much, then it is not worth the hassle of having him on the paperwork and in your life.

You did the right thing telling the wife, you really did. Right now, she'll be devastated, she'll be at her mums crying, she won't know what to do, she will barely be able to eat. It will take a bit of time for her to realise that he has destroyed her life. She has nothing to stay for, no DC to keep happy and stable, so I doubt she'll stay.

You need to get to a point where you are just doing you, and your gorgeous baby without him in the background. You need to do the financial and emotional maths on whether it is worth it having him in your lives. Don't make any more moves against him till you have done this.

I think if you were honest with yourself, you hoped you would see his life and future implode the same way yours now has, so he can feel just an inch of the crappiness you are feeling.

And that's okay, that's a normal reaction. You want him to hurt as much as he hurt you. But you don't know their marriage and what they have going on, so best to put it out of your mind.

I do think children should know who their father is, unless there was domestic violence involved but I also understand your PR concerns if he was on the certificate. So I'm somewhat on the fence, there.

Why would you want this waste of humanity anywhere near your child? As you are financially independent, you have choices. Make positive ones. For the future, I recommend writing a letter (now) to your future adult child; sincere and honest, about what the situation is at this point in time and the reasons you are making the choices you are. And then get on with loving and enjoying your parenthood with your child and building a good life.

I work so we will get by it would be nice to have extra to put away for baby when he is older or if anything happens to me but I just don't think it's worth the grief he will cause in our lives.

OP, you need to stop justifying yourself to the bitter, the self-righteous and the shit-stirrers. Haters gonna hate.

You have way more important things to focus on.

He won’t go for custody he was just trying to stop you trying to get child support as he knew this would mean his wife finding out. He won’t want the hassle of going through court and no court in their right mind would give him the child.

You have done the right thing but you need to stop worrying about how his wife is dealing with it, she may not have changed anything on social media as it’s not the kind of thing you want your family and friends seeing plastered over social media (people will ask questions if she declares she’s kicked him out). Just worry about your dc and sorting out wether you want to go through with child support.

Also, OP, you need to stop thinking about him and his wife. As impossible as that may seem, and as much as you may want justice here and see him pay for his actions, you have to mentally disengage and accept that what happens to him now isn’t something you have control over. As hard as it may be to accept the unfairness of this situation, ultimately that is life. It isn’t fair, and there’s never any guarantee that those who have done you wrong will pay for it in any way.

Looking for that to happen will keep you mentally tied to him, and runs the risk of consuming you. You don’t deserve that, any more than you’ve deserved any of this. You won’t be hurting him, you’ll only be hurting yourself, and that in turn will impact your child. That isn't to say forgive him, not at all. You don’t ever have to do that, but don’t let him keep you trapped in these moments of his betrayal. It may be worth talking to a therapist to help you process this, and you owe it to yourself to do so.

And that's entirely your call. Do what's best for the baby and you.

But I do think it's worth getting legal advice so you've got all the information.

His wife may have been the OW at one point. Either way is obviously desperately hanging onto him for whatever reason. Maybe she's not as strong as you. Because despite what you're feeling underneath there is a strength. You're bringing up a baby as a single parent and that's better than with someone who treats you the way he has done. If you can manage then forget claiming child support. You won't have to answer any questions from your dc for years yet so try to put that out of your mind. Don't let your ex taint this lovely time with your dc. Stay off social media. His wife is putting on a brave front. You can never tell whats going on for real on fakebook.
Look after yourself.

Sorry, I get how you could be suffering from anxiety, anyone could, but how can you have post partum anxiety? You haven't had the baby yet. As for fly in fly out, what's that all about?

I think you’re absolutely right and I know women who have a terrible time chasing the father for money. It’s not actually worth the stress.

I've had the baby he is three months old. I'm diagnosed with PPA. Fly in fly out just means they fly to their worksite(s) and fly back so there is alot of travel involved.

Yes she has.

You have absolutely no idea what he will do. He may well decide that if he has to pay he wants access to the child, particularly if he doesn’t have one already.

Courts don’t award contact on the basis of how nice the father is. He has rights regardless of his personality.

You did the right thing by telling her but now you need to forget about her. What she does next is absolutely none of your business, especially regarding her social media. She is irrelevant.

Dig deep and stay strong. I'm glad you have sought legal advice. Ensure you document all contact between you and the baby's father going forward

Good luck!

Maybe she already knew, if not about you and your dc others. Focus on what is best for your child in future and leave him to face any consequences. Chances of him bothering with custody are low if it will cost him and maybe his dw would not want it.

You did the right thing by telling her. She now knows the reality of her marriage and can make an informed decision if she wants to stay or go quickly or slowly or try to mend it. It is entirely up to her which choice she makes. Some marriages survive (ongoing) infidelity. My uncle cheated with multiple women for decades but always came home to his wife in the end. It was their choice to keep their marriage going and in their own way it was valuable enough to them to do so. Other people didn't need to understand that, in the end it was their own business.

Focus on yourself and what you want to do. You have nothing to do with this woman and her choices. The best thing is to make your own choices. You might be the happier one in the end. The best revenge on him is a life well lived.

But surely it would have been strange that you've never been to his house or went to his mums birthday or spent christmas together?

@Nowayjose0 Unfortunately he is a classic cheat who will accept no responsibility whatsoever for his actions. As for his wife, it's not entirely uncommon for a spouse who is emotionally abused by a cheat to keep on giving their partner another chance. Often, this will be encouraged through gaslighting and lies by the cheat, who will only admit to what is known (e.g. you might have had a relationship with him for quite a long time, but she will be told you were a drunken one night stand or whatever plausible excuse minimises your relationship).

Also, it's far more common when you inform a wronged spouse that they tell you to go away than that they thank you. Her response seems more polite than average.

Also, it's far more common when you inform a wronged spouse that they tell you to go away than that they thank you. Her response seems more polite than average.

Yes. Despite the MN focus on exposing the cheat at all costs, I don't think most people in real life would be well disposed towards a complete stranger dropping a bomb like that, disappearing and then, presumably, quietly watching for some sort of public consequence. I don't think I'd thank someone for that.

Honestly why would ANYONE not want to know that their husband has had a child and a whole other relationship with someone else?

Some people need their head seeing to.

Regardless of motive, it was 100% the right thing to do. The OP was lied to and misled as well. The wife deserved to know, from one woman to another of these cheating pricks.

He did this, not the op. He deserves to be found out and the wife deserves to be able to make decisions about the truth of her life.

Op I hope you manage to find some peace after all this. No wonder you have anxiety after all of this. Such stress. Enjoy your baby. Leave him behind if you can.