An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

Be kind to yourself, it’s not your fault and pregnancy is very draining.

Definitely apply for CSA when the time comes, kids are expensive. Even as babies! He is likely bluffing when it comes to wanting custody, certainly unlikely to want residential. At most he might maintain a relationship with the child but that is a positive thing for your child. Does he have living parents? It would so be good for your child to have a relationship with the grandparents and half siblings in time.

Give the wife time, she sees you as the enemy currently and he’s probably trying to spin it another way.

OP, you absolutely did the right thing telling her.
IMO it was brave and the decent thing to do.
Why wouldn't she want to know?
He travels a lot and this will confirm to her he is scum.
Whether she leaves or not is another thing BUT it will give her pause for thought.
Will she really want children with him knowing he was playing away one month after marriage?
As for him going for residency etc.?
If his wife stays is it likely she would tolerate this?

I think you need to seek legal advice on naming him but putting down emotional abuse, threats to take the baby from you, threats to lie about your mental health, all abusive threats. Tell the lawyer that his behaviour has caused your PPA and that you are terrified of him.

Spell it out as dramatically as you can.

I agree with many other posters, if you can go it alone financially then it could be the better option by some distance.
Having his poisonous presence in your life will not be worth it.

Where are your family?
Could you move closer to them so that you have support?

What an awful situation you’re in 😞 I’ve no advice but please stay strong for both your own sake and your baby’s.

If you’d like to, please can you explain PPA? And FIFO? You mention both but I can’t work out what they are, even after looking them up. Sorry if they are well known teems but I’ve never heard either of them.

I told her about dating apps and multiple women

I missed this bit. You knew this but had a baby with him? I'm not sure you've been honest around your ignorance of his situation OP.

He told me at 6 months pregnant when I brought up birth certificate/child support, before that I didn't have a reason to question him. Once I found out I went digging. He genuinely seemed like a good, honest and caring guy.

@Nowayjose0 please try to stop worrying. He is not going to get custody. He probably will get visitation. Do you have family nearby. If not then I suggest moving away and settling somewhere far from him . Once you are settled then apply for cms.

Did you know he was married when you conceived a child with him?

He told me at 6 months pregnant when I brought up birth certificate/child support, before that I didn't have a reason to question him. Once I found out I went digging. He genuinely seemed like a good, honest and caring guy. He is still on multiple dating apps.

No not until 6 months pregnant and only got told because I brought up birth certificate/child support.

Maybe OP told the wife in the hope he'd leave her?

“Next is the baby - and congratulations on your little one. You either need the money or you do not. If you can live without it, then that is the easiest answer for now. You may get away without interference in your life and the child's for a time (depends on the laws where you live). And you can change your mind and claim CMS at any time - at least in the UK.

You dc will have a right to know their Dad. In seven years, or twelve, you may be dealing with a child who wants to know Dad and have a relationship with him. And you will need to deal with all those old feelings of unfairness, because this man will lie to your child, will blame you, etc. Your child's realtionship with him, if any, will be their own.

All steps you take now you will need to one day justify to your dc. So beware of your motivations when you take decisions - your anger is fully justified, but maybe not always helpful to you.

I think contacting his wife was a perfectly fine thing to do - she should know what he did - but it wasn't one that will help you. No worries about that, but from now on take decisions only in the best interests of yourself and your dc.

So keep the receipts, all the communication with him in written form. Someday your mucholder child may need or want to see that.”

This with bells on. Forget the guy; forget his wife. Telling her was a damned if you do, damned if you don’t type of step. She needs to manage the fallout in her own way. After all, on your timeline, you had 6 months between finding out and telling her - not 2 days.

If you can manage without his money, in your shoes, I would do that. Focus on your baby.

He wont get custody. It's a threat to keep you at bay so you don't go after him. Please go for child support

He is a pig. The way he treats women is revolting. I do hope she leaves him because she deserves better but ultimately that is her choice.

That's ok. Post partum anxiety and Fly in fly out.

I’m confused.
You found out he was married at 6 months pregnant. I take it you told him about the baby before you reached the 6 months. What did he initially say when you told him early on in the pregnancy? How did he react?
I’m just unclear how you got to this point.

I don’t know - I understand the financial implications of not accepting child support from him, but honestly with a personality like this I cannot see what good would come out of being beholden to this turd in any way. Men can be very vengeful and he could easily play silly buggers for the next 18 years simply from anger.

The child deserves to know who the father is, but as long as you have his name and personal details, the child will always be able to find him.

i simply wouldn’t want the influence of such a dismal person on my child on any regular basis, let alone having to share any kind of custody.

So I wouldn’t be intimated into not following up on child support, but I might make the decision not to as optimal for my child and for myself. However, that depends on OP’s financial situation.

He’s not likely to get primary custody but he may well get contact. That’s what I’d want to avoid.

This might be a bit mean for me to say but I know it's the truth. Only women whose husbands don't really love them post things like that / hope to stay in denial. 😢

He told me at 6 months pregnant when I brought up birth certificate/child support, before that I didn't have a reason to question him

But people in normal relationships don't bring up birth certificates nor child support. If you're in a committed relationship (or think you) that you've chosen to bring a child into, surely those things are a given?

He doesn't want you or the child, stop giving him headspace. Raise you child without him or any money from him. Be truthful with your child when he asks who is father is. Keep any messages emails etc from him to show your child in 18 years time. I know you feel betrayed and let down ( and rightly so) but don't allow his past behaviour to darken you and your baby's future. Seek counselling and enjoy your baby.

I think you've known exactly who and what this man is, taken a gamble on him being with you and it hasn't paid off. And you want revenge. On the face of it that hasn't played out.

Initially scared (we both were) but supportive he only freaked out once he realised he would be on paperwork, I think he put two and two together and realised he couldn't hide it then. That's when he told me and started the threats.

I think you were right to tell the wife. What she does with the information is up to her.

Having been involved in a situation where a child’s father was written out of history in a previous era, I think you need to know that the child will fill in gaps whether accurately or not, and is likely to want to find their father. The dishonesty caused lasting damage.

I would tread carefully. I’ve known of fathers apply for visitation building up to 50/50 - not because they want the child, but because they don’t want to pay child support and it’s cheaper for them to palm said child off onto someone else (the wife if she stays/girlfriend/family member). It’s also a ‘win’ against the mother.

That isn’t to say you shouldn’t apply for child support, because by rights he should be financially contributing, but it’s best to always be aware of potential consequences.

Did he accidentally trip and fall in such a way that made the OP pregnant?

Had he not had the talk about what might when you have a special cuddle?