An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. Apply for CMS and get a paternity test done at a later date once you’ve had your baby.

If you consume yourself with anxiety over this now, it’s not going to be the best start for you and baby.

I told her for numerous reasons. It's the truth, she deserves better, for my conscience and her sexual health and honestly this was always going to come out. Isn't it better now before they have children (my child's biological siblings) what happens if he does want to go knocking on his father's door when he is old enough or they do an ancestory DNA test. You are simplifying very complex emotions and thoughts here. I admit I did think she would have more backbone. Hopefully that ends up being the case.

@CubaLibre23 No, I think the OP did the right thing telling her. I was thinking more along the lines that there should be no particular response expected. Tell, leave and don't necessarily expect anything to come from it.

i think its good that she blocked you. You did the right thing in telling her, so she has ability to make her decisions based on truth now.
As for you and what you should do, i think its probably better to just ignore him and get on with bringing up your baby. The risks of having his involvement when youre not even in a relationship with him and he is this dishonest and crafty/sneaky, is too high for both you and your child. You wont need the headfuck.

I think you did the right thing but equally I think you need to step away from it now. People are endlessly fascinating and weird. They will respond in their own way and it will often be unexpected. Concentrate on yourself and your child and make sure that man pays his maintenance.

But even if you genuinely didn’t know, she has no reason to believe that. As far as she’s concerned her husband’s OW has contacted her to tell her that she had a baby three months ago. She doesn’t need to believe anything more than that.

And it’s disingenuous to suggest that you were worried about her sexual health. If that was the case you wouldn’t have waited six months to tell her. He might have shagged another ten women since then.

Ultimately you told her for you. I wouldn’t personally but everyone is different and people have their reasons. But it’s done now, and her reaction is not your concern or business.

I get that the emotions are complex and that's why I used the word "understandable" several times in the earlier posts. You're going through a lot and I'm sorry for that and I hope it works out well for you. I'm sure it will.

But I have to stand by my statement that it wasn't a good idea to tell the wife for "closure", as your title says you did. And as before, the fact that you now have a lesser view of her ("backbone" and what you hope she'll do in future) because she didn't immediately do what you wanted, and publicly so you could see, is always the sign of the real reasons for telling her. If you truly only wanted her to know so she could make her choice, you'd be satisfied.

I guess the thing to take from this is that you can't stake your "closure" on what happens in his life and your decisions now need to be on the basis of what's best for your family. I think that as your child grows up and you do a great job of raising them, you'll get your closure that way.

TBH, it is irrelevant what she feels and what she does. You have told her, for reasons which are your own. She doesn't owe you a response or reaction, or to behave in a particular way. You want to punish him using her to do it, but she is her own person and gets to make her own choices. I know thinking of him miserable and alone appeal to you, but it will make no difference to the outcome for you and your child, so you have to move on.

Also, I doubt he will be "punished." I find it quite unlikely that the OP and the man's wife was enough for him, his sort probably has another relationship on the go already. For him, the worst case is he will exit his married relationship after only a couple of years. A quick clean break divorce and on to ruining the next person's life.

He is using custody to call your bluff. Ignore and apply for child support. What his wife chooses to do is none of your concern she might stay with him, she might not. By telling her youve probably turned hernworld upside down and most people would need time to figure out what they wanted to do. Instead focus on getting help with your mental health if your aren't under the care of the prenatal mental health team then you need to be. Speak to your midwife. Ask for support from friends or family. Be prepared to go it alone.

No he doesn’t. Not in the UK at least.

Needs to be on birth certificate for that.

@Nowayjose0
OP , you can't undo anything that has been done. Whatever happens between him and his wife should be of no concern to you. Once paternity is established , your child should be eligible for support. The father will have the right to see his child.

The wife did not seek you out, and she may or may not have appreciated hearing from you. She is entitled to that response and reaction.

It is not your job to seek to have consequences imposed upon him. Do you want vengeance or do you want support for your child and hopefully one day that he have a good relationship with his father?

At this point, you should be waiting only what is best for your son nothing more and nothing less.

You have done nothing wrong, you really have not. You were right to tell her, you know this and she DOES deserve to have access to the truth. What she does with it is her decision. You can do nothing more than you have done already

What you DO need to do is focus on yourself, getting better and stronger and being the best mum you can be. We're here for you if you need us.

You will get through this and you will recover, your son with thrive and you will be able to care for him and make the right decisions for him.

I agree that you need to keep this guy out of your lives, he has no power over you and won't be able to do anything. Relax and breathe, every day you will get a bit stronger. You are not alone, you have us.

Completely agree here.
The reason for telling the wife was out of wanting to hurt, and nothing more.

A case of “I’m angry he’s married, I now have a baby and I’m going to make sure you
know about it and I want to cause maximum hurt to an innocent woman.”

Stalking her social media to be angry that the wife still has her husband on her site.

How can an affair be “ Accidental “ especially bringing a child into the mix so early on without knowing or living with the man

It just sounds like a mess all round, and the person who will hurt the most is likely to be the child in future.

No he doesn't . Not in the UK at least.
The OP is not in the UK.

I think for the other woman shes probably shocked. Youve just shattered her world with this truth. give her time, she may unblock you and want to know more but at the moment her future “happy” life has just been shattered. Maybe leave him off the certificate for the time being, he could be added later on if necessary. Keep copies of all messages. Diarise what has happened, whats been said. Get on with your life now x

@MzHz
Many women choose to tell a wife about an affair only after they become angry. They try to justify the telling by saying that they would have wanted to know. In most insistances, what they really want to do is cause pain for their partner.

There is no striking a blow for the sisterhood or moral indignity. There is just anger and a desire for revenge.

honestly never understand why someone posts on a UK site used by predominatly people in the UK and fail to metion it

This in spades ♠️.

I preface this by saying I have not had time to read all the thread so apologies if I’m missing a key piece of information. I can only begin to imagine the anguish you are feeling in your predicament, and all my comments will be meant as helpful. However, it did occur to me that perhaps subconsciously you contacted his wife because somewhere, somehow you are hoping there might be a fairy tale ending for you which involves his marriage dissolving and a place for you in the picture. That’s a really understandable hope -but it’s not a realistic or even desirable outcome. This man has misled both you and his wife to an unconscionable degree. He just isn’t the sort of person who has a role in happy outcomes. Even if - if- that did happen, you would spend your life waiting for the text you just sent his wife.
What you do have on the horizon is a little person who WILL be true to you, who will want you, need you, love you absolutely. Please think really hard about involving this awful man further in that little person’s life because I can tell you when the baby arrives you will want only the best for them - and this man is not that.

@Nowayjose0

Do you have family support?

As for the stat dec, say that once you told the man that you were pregnant, he disappeared. Won’t be the first time, won’t be the last. FIFO workers are notorious for this kind of thing!

I’ve figured out where you’re from and I will say this: I know people in the same country, who have had this situation and when the mums have gone for child support, once the child gets to school age, custody is 50/50 with most kids doing one week at mums and one week at dads. I’m not saying this to scare you but I just think you need to really think about what you’re going to do. Because it’s 100% true that this man could stop you moving from one district to another if he wanted to!

I hope that you have family and that you can count on their support 🌺

Not true he can apply for a parental order. This is outdated advice, you delay him aqquiring PR but you can't block it.

My take on it was that by telling her, you were preempting his threats aimed at keeping his wife in the dark.

You've not read the thread properly, have you? Or are you trolling?

Sorry, just to comment on your original post.

I know more than one person who has still looked happily married on their social media even during a divorce as they haven't been ready to announce it to the wilder world yet whilst they work through it. Which I can understand. So don't worry about that.

Re, custody. I know more than one man who has threatened this, as they know it will frighten you into submitting rather than fighting for whats right.,
Is a selfish cheating man going to want regular access to a baby? or will he be more interested in moving onto his next mistress? no one looks after a baby out of spite, they just threaten it.