What's stopping you dating again?

[RuhRohRaggy]

For me it's the fear of getting to the "let's meet your friends" stage and having no one to introduce them to.

‘It's a parents forum, not female only.’

Is it though?

You're preaching to the choir, not sure why you quoted me there but my comment was sarcasm directed at the male poster.

@EtiennePalmiere I totally got your excellent sarcasm. I quoted you (your pp contained the quote history I wanted to respond to but didn’t want to leave out your response) and meant to go back to the top and @ you with a 😆 after I finished writing all that. But forgot.

I'm sure that's true as well or perhaps they just want to talk about football😀

For all those sort of blokes there are ladies who want to discuss reality TV or manicures.

That doesn't work for me - or you either by the sound of it. Perhaps we should go on a date😂

I want someone who can converse about many different things. If they like something I'm not into - say cooking I can hold my end up with that as well but part of my ideal woman is someone who can talk about world affairs, history, art, sport , music , theatre - you'd never run out of conversation. I much prefer to be with someone like that than chasing some physical ideal

@ManAboutTown

Ha ha - I could talk about football no problem. Comes with growing up living almost opposite a football stadium plus having an ex H and a son who were season ticket holders. Always been a case of if you can’t beat em join em 🤣

Communication is vital to me. I couldn’t even think about dating someone with no opinions.

@SamW98 - you'd be fine with me then as long as you don't support Spurs😀

And yes someone with no opinions is not going to ring my bell either. I don't even need to agree with them

A wet fanny. I prefer to please myself and it’s more satisfying than a man.

Oh and most men past a certain age are just ugly anyway. No handsome ones left. Urgh! Not to mention their baggage, kids and ex’s. No thanks!

In my view men do not age well and end up looking as if they are their partner's dad even if they are the same age lol.

No I hate them lol. I’m a hammer - east London born and bred ⚒️

I'm a Chelsea season ticket holder - your lot aren't too popular with us either lol.

Spurs, West Ham, Leeds, Millwall, Man U, Liverpool - all in the same bucket😂

@LucyvanderPelt I go through periods where I'm ok being single and then times were I feel so sad. I often look at happy couples I know and think you wouldn't be happy single but you can smile because you're part of a couple...I know that's not everyone.
It's like single people who would like to be part of a happy long term relationship but it doesn't happen just have to get on with life with a heavy heart and smile... it's painful.

Time, energy, horrible body, mortgage paid off, teen with MH issues to take care of. I wouldn't go near anyone with a barge pole tbh.

@Sugarmole It really is painful. A poster on another thread (I think) called it a silent and unrecognised grief, which really rang true for me. My most recent relationship only ended a few weeks ago, but I’ve been single for long periods of time throughout my life, and all throughout my friends have been in LTRs.

My ex was telling me he was happy and acting like he was happy, then told me he had been unhappy for some time. If I can’t trust what a man says or how he acts, when I’m earth can I do?! Surely it shouldn’t be so difficult.

@LucyvanderPelt a silent and unrecognised grief are definitely the words on how I would describe it. I think it should be talked about more as it's the reality many people will face.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship💐, I hope you have a good support network?
I hear what you're saying about trust sadly especially after your recent experience. It shouldn't be so difficult but I think in today's society it's rare to have the happy ever after ending like the old days. I think there is so much dating choice online and unrealistic sexual expectations have alot to answer for...I just think many people don't always want to put effort into relationships and often don't think twice about walking away.

As many other posters say the relationship thread puts me off dating too...

@Sugarmole Thank you. I do have close family and a couple of good friends I can vent to, but not really anyone who understands or has been through the same thing. All have been in their current relationships since their 20s, so they can’t really relate in a meaningful way.

I totally agree - there are so many options available now with internet dating - why would people work on relationships when they can just discard someone and move on to the next person. I know that’s a generalisation and there must be some decent ones about but… who knows. I actually suspect my ex was still traumatised by his divorce so got cold feet when we were getting too serious for him to handle.

I haven’t even looked at the dating thread yet… I think that would make me even more fed up with things than I already am!

I think it’s my weight, perhaps combined with a lack of confidence/low self esteem after domestic abuse and a whole string of shitty adverse life events combined with the fact that I have bipolar disorder so not the most robust mental health in the world basically. I guess like others I’ve also lost quite a bit of trust in men generally because of past experiences.

OLD is so visual, and I just don’t think men would be able to look past my weight. Worse, I worry that some would be actively cruel to me about it and knock my confidence even further. I haven’t dared to even try OLD because of this, I feel I just can’t take the risk that men are going to be actively nasty about my weight and knock my confidence even more. I also worry that I won’t find someone because I’m now too old, as it seems that men on there are generally looking for much younger women. I’m fine with dating someone older than me (my ex was 8 years older than me) but not like 2 decades plus older/my dad’s age.

It’s a shame because actually I feel I have a lot to give a potential partner. And frustrating as I feel I am carrying extra weight as a direct result of having had to deal with so much shit over the years. It’s almost like a scar from what’s happened to me. I’m proud of who I am and what I’ve achieved and how I have lived my life despite immense challenges. And at some point I also hope to lose the weight, I think I still look relatively young for my age and have quite a pretty face. Plus I am fun and funny and a good and very loving person. But I just feel that no man will be able to see past the weight and my age to recognise that I would make a great partner for someone.

I'm in a wheelchair and I have multiple chronic illnesses that mean I spend a lot of time in hospital. I don't know how to get people to know the 'real me" without all those other things coming first.
I regret not 'dating' in lockdown as then nobody would have needed to know about the wheelchair etc until we had already established a connection.
Sigh.

Everyone who is blaming their weight for lack of dates - don’t forget 2 out of 3 adults are overweight or obese (UK) and this includes men! 1 in 4 are obese and this includes men. Anyone doing dating (online or not) is more likely to go out with someone who is overweight than someone who isn’t.

Could not be arsed. Quite happy and content having my own space and no-one to bother me. Have my lovely dog and my son who is at college and have a peaceful home. The though of someone groping me and annoying me and expecting me to give him all my attention, past that now and enjoying my own space and haven't the energy or inclination for a man, been there done that and what I wish I knew when I was younger. Some of the answers did make me giggle.

@Britneyfan just wanted to make a quick point about the weight. I’m not what I believe is called a chubby chaser, but I’m slightly underweight and going out with a man who is very overweight and wants me to be heavier as well. He doesn’t want me to look like a Kardashian, he says I’d be more cuddly and sexy as a heavier women - there are more men like that out there! And eating disorders REALLY don’t help with making a relationship go smoothly. Beauty, confidence etc all play much bigger roles.

@LucyvanderPelt glad you have a good support network but I understand about them not being able to relate in a meaningful way.

It could be your ex is still traumatised but it would be helpful if he was open about how he felt and maybe not getting too serious.

Emotionally I don't think I have the strength to date anymore and I feel safer alone currently.
There are some lovely people out there it's just putting the time in to try and find them. I think getting out and socialising in shared interests etc may be my only hope as I'm so reluctant to try online dating again... it's exhausting!

I'm in a better place then when I was younger as I felt I would only be happy in a relationship and it consumed me. Now I think I may not be completely happy in my heart but I can get through life on my own...rather that then settling or staying in an abusive relationship.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau thanks for your comment, no trust me there are no eating disorders going on over here! I’m a size 20-22 so not just fretting over a few extra pounds sadly. I know you’re right (although I absolutely also know there are horrible men out there who might say something nasty to my face about it), and a lot of it comes down to my confidence which has been badly knocked by a series of difficulties over the years. To be honest it’s even possible that I’m even my weight as a shield or excuse because I find the idea of dating again after domestic abuse so terrifying, even though I’d dearly love to find a decent partner.

@Britneyfan I understand and send sympathy. Maybe a really good initial triage tool for decent men might be how they treat you re your weight? Absolutely understand the trepidation about getting out there at all as well as I’ve experienced the same thing. It’s a really difficult balance to strike being being vulnerable enough for a good relationship while protecting yourself.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau exactly that, you’ve got the nail on the head! And yes a very good initial triage I guess I could look at it that way! I just feel fat phobia is just so ingrained in our society, especially for women, that even if someone isn’t a complete dick about it, they might still conclude they don’t want to date me because they find me unattractive or assume I am lazy/greedy etc.