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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's stopping you dating again?

178 replies

RuhRohRaggy · 09/11/2023 17:53

For me it's the fear of getting to the "let's meet your friends" stage and having no one to introduce them to.

OP posts:
TheGreatATuin · 10/11/2023 08:41

KissTheRains · 10/11/2023 07:54

Polamory isn't for everyone so I'm definitely not advocating that, but it's not an all or nothing situation.

Considering you came and splurged that post on a thread about why people aren't dating, it sounds very much like you are advocating for it and trying to point out the error in other people's thinking.

If someone started a post asking,
"Why don't you like Digestive biscuits?"
Would you go on to it and write a long post about how you,
"Love dunking multiple digestives in the same cuppa until there's little bits of digestive crumbs floating on the top"

Edited

I genuinely was not. If you read my post in good faith, you'd know my point was simply that you don't have to give up your freedom to be in a relationship.
That was my point. That's it.

Iwasdrunkandamenace · 10/11/2023 08:48

@silentchanter
Jesus Christ on a bike.
Men are fucking awful.

you sound amazing though.

freewill96 · 10/11/2023 08:51

I genuinely was not. If you read my post in good faith, you'd know my point was simply that you don't have to give up your freedom to be in a relationship.
That was my point. That's it.

Tbh, I can hardly view this set up as being in "a relationship" and I highly doubt this would be suitable for most women (def would not work for me).
It's very interesting to hear a different perspective though.

SamW98 · 10/11/2023 08:54

If I could find a man that I’m attracted to who wants the same as me - exclusive dating but both having our own space and own lives - I’d consider it but so far finding someone has proved impossible.

I seem to attract sex pests who think ‘cracking tits love’ is the way to start a conversation 🤷‍♀️

KissTheRains · 10/11/2023 08:56

TheGreatATuin · 10/11/2023 08:41

I genuinely was not. If you read my post in good faith, you'd know my point was simply that you don't have to give up your freedom to be in a relationship.
That was my point. That's it.

Show quote history

Thread:
"why don't you like football?"

Reply:
"Oh I love football and here's how you can love it too..."

"I'm just saying, you can love football too if you just change your opinions and ignore life experiences."

🤣🤪

Haydenn · 10/11/2023 09:17

I live somewhere quite rural so know most people already. I tried online dating- the general sites I think my life is a bit niche for most of the men on there, I tried a more specialised site and it was just AWFUL.

I’m not adverse to relationships, but I am definitely not looking for one. The men I came across seemed to have big dreams- but kind of expected you to deliver on them for them. I’m not saying it’s all about money- but you’d hear “I’d love to have my own cottage with land some day” great, lovely idea - but you earn £25k a year and how is that going to happen- oh right my cottage my land.

Or the ones that are “such good dads” and then tell you that they really want shared parenting but they can’t do it at the moment because the don’t have 2 spare bedrooms and the ex won’t allow it. One literally looked at my spare rooms and told me that there would be an argument between his kids about who got the one with the double bed!!! Errrr they haven’t been invited yet and I didn’t think we were quite there! Obviously he was more practically minded than me.

then there was the one who decided to “help” me train my dog. Fuck off putting a slip lead on and ‘correcting’ my dog.

Haydenn · 10/11/2023 09:25

I am reminded by this thread of and old newspaper article on Victorian spinsters reasons for being single. I believe Miss Sparrow sums up my thoughts well.

What's stopping you dating again?
KissTheRains · 10/11/2023 09:25

@Haydenn

If you ignore him moving his kids in before you'd met them and ignored him trying to train your dog and ignored a man trying to get in good with you so they can benefit from the life you've earned, you could get to shag several men too.

Bet you didn't consider that now did ya?

🤓😁

Morningtroubles · 10/11/2023 10:01

@silentchanter

Sorry about your experiences. They sound like neggers who are intimidated by the fact that you are clearly better than them, so need to put you down.

One of the most beautiful women I have ever met had a boyfriend who constantly told her she was ugly and no-one else would ever want her.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 10/11/2023 10:10

CeliaCanth · 09/11/2023 18:06

Just looking at men my age/slightly older (and younger if truth be told) and realising that, at best, they leave me cold and, at worst, they actively repulse me. I’m a straight female by the way and until recently was married.

Pretty much this. I am heterosexual, not lesbian, but really not attracted to anyone. But would love a decent companion - now I sound old!

Towwanthustice · 10/11/2023 10:13

Men just seem to want sex
Past horrible relationships
A neuro diverse 12 Yr old child who I home ed, so literally have no tine and I don't think she'd accept anyone.
I feel old at 51.
No family help so no sitters
And to be honest I cba!!

Needhelp101 · 10/11/2023 10:13

Crushed23 · 09/11/2023 18:37

I haven’t given up dating yet, but similar to this, the older I get the worse men look.

Women look after themselves so much better than men do, on the whole.

For every ‘silver fox’ there’s 999 men who look like something out of The Hills Have Eyes.

Show quote history

This genuinely made me laugh out loud 😁

I'm with a lot of people on here; I cannot be arsed. I love my own space, I get love, cuddles and affection from my children and my friends, I don't have to pander to annoying men and I can advise that if you ever need sex, there are plenty of nice young men out there who are happy to oblige!

FourNonBlondez · 10/11/2023 10:29

Left a monstrous abuser of an ex. Was enough to put me off dating forever.
Primary reason is looking after my DD5, I want her to have 100% of me until she is at least in secondary school. It is what I want.
Plus, our house is a girls house, I couldn't dream of having a bloke in there messing it up with their disgusting habits, leaving the loo seat up, their pants on the floor. It would give me the RAGE.

FourNonBlondez · 10/11/2023 10:31

silentchanter · 09/11/2023 19:39

I want too, but convinced that society has conditioned most men to not particularly want women like me.
I'm a beautiful black woman. I'm kind hearted, well mannered, tall and fit, highly educated, kind, but can't seem to find a man who thinks I'm worthy of a relationship.
Last relationship with a BM was one cheating after the other. Ex kept chasing WW. He made it clear if he found a WW of higher social status who'd accept him, he'd leave me in a heartbeat. Got pregnant accidentally and hands were tied into an abortion as he said he could never accept a child from me. So, that broke me and ended staying single for years to heal.

Since then, been OLD on and off for years now and have been open to dating all kinds of men, but have realised that men just don't see women like me as first choice. On Hinge for over a year and I could count how many likes I got on one hand. Been on Bumble for 9 months now and had 2 dates where it was clear the WW men thought they were doing me a favour and spoke down on me. One explicitly told me that BM are the least preferred to be with and I'm being considered because he's found WW difficult recently.
IRL, men just don't look my way.
When I look at myself, I see a woman with a lot of love to give and a lot of openness to receive and it hurts that the men I've met see differently.

YOU are beautiful. Everything about you.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/11/2023 16:18

Just look at the recorded facts that single women and married men are happiest. Single men and married women are the unhappiest. There are reasons for this.

Maze76 · 10/11/2023 16:31

I just cannot be bothered

JL690 · 10/11/2023 16:39

My ex is my best friend now and we meet up quite often, it seems like we don't want to move on but there's also no chance we'll get together again.

NoMoreCapsLock · 10/11/2023 16:45

Most men are not my cup of tea. I am not most men's cup of tea.
I gave myself a bad home haircut, and it needs to grow out.

RobotSkyscraper · 10/11/2023 16:50

Total lack of interest from anyone!

Although reading some of the threads on here, that may not be such a bad thing…..

susiedaisy1912 · 10/11/2023 17:06

I'm fat and fussy. The men I'm interested in aren't interested in me and the ones that are I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Helsnheels · 10/11/2023 17:08

I think having a child always makes me apprehensive e.g what happens if they don't get on with children or how will my son cope if they get close then the relationship ends. I also carry guilt for my son not having a family environment to grow up in due to choices I made. So have become rather risk adverse for fear of hurting him more.

silentchanter · 10/11/2023 18:37

Thanks to everyone who left me a kind message.
I'm genuinely and luckily kind, smart and beautiful - it's no hubris, strangers tell me when they interact with me so it must mean something. And when people ask why I remain single, I make up stories such as I'm focused on career right now; 'I'm not ready for kids; or even claim that the person I was seeing moved far away. But it felt freeing to really express myself on this thread - to say the things that I bottle inside me because I'm ashamed or think no one would understand my experience.
Thank you for the safe space Flowers

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/11/2023 20:31

TheGreatATuin · 10/11/2023 07:48

I'm dating again after a long break. I've been doing the polyamory thing (which tends to be deeply unpopular on here). I'm currently seeing two lovely men, one of whom is fairly new, the other I've been seeing for years.
The reasons that posters are giving for not dating are striking: loving independence, own bed, own home, freedom etc.
The two things are not incompatible. I have both dating and also my freedom. Neither of my partners gets to dictate my life and take over my space.
I would never, ever live with a man again and don't want to get married, but that doesn't mean I have to give them up completely.
We just do the fun stuff - yes,sex, but also dating, going out, nights in, but I also get to send them home again and my time is my own again.
Polamory isn't for everyone so I'm definitely not advocating that, but it's not an all or nothing situation.
I think people tend to be very fixed on the idea that a relationship fits a fixed format.
It doesn't. They can be very customisable and you have every right to only want to do the bits that suit you.

I don’t think it would be deeply unpopular on Mumsnet. There are many different people from all over the world on this site. You have no idea what their personal life experiences are.

Polyamory is not a new thing by the way, it’s been around for a long time.

If you are truly in polyamorous relationships then everything will not be on your terms. You will be considering and accommodating your partners feelings and wants.

So, even though you can send them home or go back to your home to have time to yourself in your personal space (actually no different from a monogamous person who doesn’t live with their partner), you don’t have the same level of freedom as a single person.

If you don’t have to consider or accommodate your partner’s feelings and wants then you are not in polyamorous relationships. You are just in multiple casual relationships or FWB.

CallmePaul · 10/11/2023 20:32

Male view here, one I really want some single me time, but also it just doesn't seem fair to my small child who has had enough trauma with a split & I think its the right thing to do that my limited spare time & energy & thoughts are spent 100% there, rather than trying to pursue a relationship & taking time away from the most important thing in my life.

The sex thing I'm not sure, I can't imagine living without that for ever, perhaps I'll be OK with it maybe a fwb arrangement, as I've no current desire to live with anyone again, but who knows.

Blueeyedmale · 10/11/2023 21:10

CallmePaul · 10/11/2023 20:32

Male view here, one I really want some single me time, but also it just doesn't seem fair to my small child who has had enough trauma with a split & I think its the right thing to do that my limited spare time & energy & thoughts are spent 100% there, rather than trying to pursue a relationship & taking time away from the most important thing in my life.

The sex thing I'm not sure, I can't imagine living without that for ever, perhaps I'll be OK with it maybe a fwb arrangement, as I've no current desire to live with anyone again, but who knows.

Absolutely get that about your child, I work all week so from Friday evening until Sunday evening I spend all the time with my son, I just couldn't give a woman the time she deserves, maybe when my son turns 18 I could see myself dating again but that's 4 years away, but living with someone again would definitely be a no for me. FWB I just couldn't do anymore I spent my teens and early 20,s doing that and in the end just ended up feeling worse about myself, sex is not the be and end all for me, it's great in a loving relationship but outside of it it does nothing for your self esteem in the long run