Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are these flags as red as I think?

133 replies

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 13:45

After a long marriage I am back on the dating market, now mid-40s. I started talking to this man the same age as me about 6 weeks ago. We live near each other but he has been away until last week. Anyways, we had great chemistry over chat/video calls whilst he was away and it was even better when we met last week. We have basically been inseperable since. We have lots of fun, sex is great, we have the same interests, the same taste is music, food, films etc. I find him really attractive and fun and he says he feels the same about me. He says he wants a serious realationship etc. All good so far.

My issue is his past. He has a young child who lives abroad with the mother who he goes and sees for 3-4 weeks at a time 3-4 times a year. They broke up a year ago and he says he finds her really annoying and he's not attracted to her physically. Problem is that they have always had sex when he goes and sees them in this last year. He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me. She and the child is coming to see him in a month and half and they are all staying in a third country together (where I won't be) and I feel really unsure what to make of that. He said he's going to tell her that he's met me but that obviously won't stop them from having sex.

I asked him how long he's gone without having sex in the last year and he said, maybe a month. In the 6 weeks that we have been talking he has had sex with two other women. I don't expect full committment before meeting someone so I can't really say that he's done anything wrong I guess, but am I strange for feeling a little bit grossed out about it? He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal. I just don't think I can ever feel relaxed about him spending so much time with the mother of his child who he also occasionally sleeps with even though he's not attracted to her and finds her annoying. If that was true why would he do it?

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 08/11/2023 13:48

Ultimately are you happy with the situation?

It doesn't sound like it. Set some boundaries for yourself. You can't set them for him, but you can tell him yours.

He sounds honest at least. But you need to feel able to trust him.

mangeldelite · 08/11/2023 13:48

Too complicated

Move on

Findapath · 08/11/2023 13:50

Oh super messy in all sorts of ways. 🚩my head would be telling me to move on fast but realise heart and erm body might be saying something different. Not your issue but super confusing for the child if mum and dad are together in a couple way when they meet up. And you don’t know what he’s told her/them about the future.

quivers · 08/11/2023 13:58

Positively bright red, yes. He doesn't seem either willing or capable of committing to anything resembling a monogamous relationship, and has told you so.

Over to you, really. Are you prepared to tolerate that, for what might be years? It would be pretty difficult to trust him, even if he said he was going to be faithful to you.

MaliciaKeys · 08/11/2023 13:59

Too messy, too complicated and there's a child involved. I would find someone else without the baggage.

olderbutwiser · 08/11/2023 14:01

To me:

🚩he's not attracted to her physically...they have always had sex when he goes and sees them
🚩He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal

If they have split up why are they having sex? if he is not physically attracted to her why is he having sex with her?

He's telling you how you feel/what you think is wrong, rather than respecting how you feel.

Nah.

andymary · 08/11/2023 14:03

If he has been honest in advance and told you all of this outright, then isn't that a good sign? Surely he wouldn't have told you anything about the continued sex part with the ex if he was planning on continuing it on now that he's with you?

Maybe next year if you move in together, his child will come and stay with you two for the 3-4 weeks, alone, without the mother?

Ibravedaflood · 08/11/2023 14:05

Imagine he got his ex pregnant.. And gave you an sti... Or vice versa.. And if he didn't find her attractive he wouldn't be able to get it up would he?. Liar liar....
Ltb. And raise your bar op.

FortofPud · 08/11/2023 14:05

I think some women would be fine with it. You aren't (I wouldn't be either for what it's worth) and that is literally all that matters here.

You found a bunch of good qualities that you want to look for again, but you have discovered a more free and easy attitude to sex is not for you, especially when involves blurred boundaries with an ex.

If you're going to be in a relationship with someone you want to know they have very clearly defined lines around that in their mind so that you can feel secure. When those are not there and you feel insecure, that isn't something wrong with you. In fact, him using the word insecure in that way rather than listening and considering his own behavior would also be off-putting.

This feels like a fundamental difference that would never be overcome for you. Im concerned it would leave you constantly torn between feeling insecure and 'making a fuss' (as he would see it) vs feeling insecure but pretending you're cool with it all. Bottom line, not a happy relationship for you.

GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 14:06

He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me.

I think that fact that he's asking you to believe this is a stretch, but ultimately you're either ok with him being in a sexual relationship with the mother of his child at the same time as you, or you're not.

There are people in all kids of set ups, and it's nobody's place to judge but I'd say that in any unconventional set up there is a basic level of honesty and trust required that you don't seem to feel is present here.

Leave him to it, and find another.

Dontbeme · 08/11/2023 14:15

Does the mother of his child know that the relationship is ended? I would be thinking that she believes that they are together and he is in another country for work? Either way to much hassle, move on and find someone that is less complicated.

Pinkbonbon · 08/11/2023 14:15

Nah its not ok to be giving you that 'insecure' crap.

You've been talking for weeks and now you ate sleeping together. It's his job to make you feel secure (IF he actually wants a relationship).

He sounds like a morally bankrupt man-whore imo. Already telling you have no right to expect him not to shag other people when he's already sleeping with you.

Managing down your expectations.
A piss taker.

Hellsmells · 08/11/2023 14:16

The mother of his child will always be there if he's as invested in maintaining a relationship with his kid as he says he is (and rightly so), so the blurring of boundaries there would be a red flag for me.

He's also told you how you should react and made you feel rubbish for how you actuallyfelt, also red flags.

Like a PP said, you've found some good qualities you like, look out for those again but with the other relationships qualities that make you feel happy and secure. Feeling insecure is not being insecure.

Olika · 08/11/2023 14:19

I would move on. Too much drama. And Ido t like him playing the 'you are insecure' card.

SamW98 · 08/11/2023 14:20

So he’s still sleeping with his ex wife as well as 3 women in 6 weeks? Not for me thanks. Sounds like he can’t go 5 minutes without a women in his bed. Plus he’s already invalidating your feelings.

For me hes a walking talking red flag but it’s your call

Pinkbonbon · 08/11/2023 14:27

Also, imagine being such a horrible human being that you'd sleep with a woman and tell other people that you don't even fancy her and she is annoying. What a pig.

That's the mother of his kids and ge speaks about her like that to people. That's how he'll speak about you too, down the line.

People with ugly souls tell on themselves.
Sometimes we don't hear it until we actually focus on what they are saying.

We make excuses in our heads like 'well I'm a nice person, why would I say that about someone? I would have good reason to, surely. So he must have too, because I like him, so he must be a good person. So I'll let that slide and assume the best in him'. But he ISN'T a good person. And think about it, there is no acceptable reason to treat his ex as he does. Sleeping with her and slagging her off behind her back.

We definately have to be careful to avoid assuming the best in people just because we like them and assume they have the same level of decency as we do.

This guy doesn't. He's slimey.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 08/11/2023 14:31

Wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot barge pole. Move on 🚩🚩🚩🚩

SlippinJanie · 08/11/2023 14:31

I wouldn't believe him about the ex. And if by any chance it's true, that he's not attracted to her & finds her annoying, what sort of person has sex with the unattractive, annoying person? I'm reading between the lines but he seems like a sex hound to me and it's just a coincidence that you like the same films etc. You're never going to feel secure with him & he doesn't care about that but mocks it, makes it your problem. Big nope from me.

WichenWick · 08/11/2023 14:33

My brother left his wife and kids, took a job abroad and took up with a woman in that country, quickly moving in together. He would come home 2 or 3 times per year "to see the kids", but he'd stay at their house and have sex with his wife (they weren't divorced). I was close to my SIL and we talked about this set up. She was convinced she could win him back, and sleeping with him was part of her game plan. She was desperate. I wonder if your blokes ex wife falls into the same scenario? Anyway, he sounds like a randy old dog, so I'd be very wary if I were you.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/11/2023 14:36

If the ex is so unattractive and annoying to him, then are his standards really so low or his ability to say 'no, thank you' so non-existent, that he's finding himself having to have sex with her?

Because neither of these things are markers for good, reliable men.

FelonyMelony · 08/11/2023 14:36

I think the only positive here is that he has been upfront with you.

That said, I doubt his motivation for doing so - is he expecting you to do the ‘pick me’ dance?

Personally, this is not a basis of a relationship I would wish to invest in - but the call is really yours to make…

AgnesX · 08/11/2023 14:41

Six weeks in and he's shagged 2 other women as well as chatting to you.

I don't think you've a cat in hell's chance of having an exclusive relationship. You could argue that he could become exclusive with you but, with the child's mother and their relationship being what it is, it's unlikely.

There's more red flags than a Communist party convention.

Quitelikeit · 08/11/2023 14:45

I think the guy is very much together with this woman and is using you.

Do you have solid proof that they are separated or that she understands they are? What self respecting woman would allow the scenario he has described?

Also I can only speak on behalf of myself but I don’t think I could bring myself to jump into bed with anyone who repulsed me

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 14:48

I love how nice everyone has been on this thread and you have all given me plenty of reasons that explain why I feel the way I do. It's like when I'm with him I don't see any reason not to be, but as soon as I am on my own my brain resets and I think what the hell am I doing dating a glorified fuck-boy. It looks like I'm not completely unreasonable to think this is a little out of the ordinary, even for single guys.

Just to clarify re the ex. They conceived on their second date, they barely had a relationship as they lived on different continents and the kid is now 1.5 years old. It will be a long time though until the child can spend any significant time with the dad without the mother being there.

OP posts:
TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 14:50

@Quitelikeit No solid proof. Just his word. I definitely couldn't sleep with someone I didn't fancy either, but he says guys do that all the time. I think only certain guys do that.

OP posts: