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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are these flags as red as I think?

133 replies

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 13:45

After a long marriage I am back on the dating market, now mid-40s. I started talking to this man the same age as me about 6 weeks ago. We live near each other but he has been away until last week. Anyways, we had great chemistry over chat/video calls whilst he was away and it was even better when we met last week. We have basically been inseperable since. We have lots of fun, sex is great, we have the same interests, the same taste is music, food, films etc. I find him really attractive and fun and he says he feels the same about me. He says he wants a serious realationship etc. All good so far.

My issue is his past. He has a young child who lives abroad with the mother who he goes and sees for 3-4 weeks at a time 3-4 times a year. They broke up a year ago and he says he finds her really annoying and he's not attracted to her physically. Problem is that they have always had sex when he goes and sees them in this last year. He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me. She and the child is coming to see him in a month and half and they are all staying in a third country together (where I won't be) and I feel really unsure what to make of that. He said he's going to tell her that he's met me but that obviously won't stop them from having sex.

I asked him how long he's gone without having sex in the last year and he said, maybe a month. In the 6 weeks that we have been talking he has had sex with two other women. I don't expect full committment before meeting someone so I can't really say that he's done anything wrong I guess, but am I strange for feeling a little bit grossed out about it? He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal. I just don't think I can ever feel relaxed about him spending so much time with the mother of his child who he also occasionally sleeps with even though he's not attracted to her and finds her annoying. If that was true why would he do it?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 12/12/2023 12:28

FortofPud · 08/11/2023 14:05

I think some women would be fine with it. You aren't (I wouldn't be either for what it's worth) and that is literally all that matters here.

You found a bunch of good qualities that you want to look for again, but you have discovered a more free and easy attitude to sex is not for you, especially when involves blurred boundaries with an ex.

If you're going to be in a relationship with someone you want to know they have very clearly defined lines around that in their mind so that you can feel secure. When those are not there and you feel insecure, that isn't something wrong with you. In fact, him using the word insecure in that way rather than listening and considering his own behavior would also be off-putting.

This feels like a fundamental difference that would never be overcome for you. Im concerned it would leave you constantly torn between feeling insecure and 'making a fuss' (as he would see it) vs feeling insecure but pretending you're cool with it all. Bottom line, not a happy relationship for you.

This

TiredCatLady · 12/12/2023 12:34

Just caught your update - excellent! You deserve better than that scum.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 12:40

The more you say about him - "men don't want to be faithful, we all want the right to shag other women when in relationships" (yeah, mate that's not a relationship.. unless it's a polygamous relationship, in which case your partner would also be shagging other men - which I bet he wouldn't fancy) and "you're bigger than I'd normally date" etc etc ..... He's just a common garden abuser.

Trying to make you feel you're too big (at a size 8), that's you're "lucky" he's involved with you because you're bigger than he normally goes for. Trying to brainwash you into thinking it's natural and normal for him to get to shag other women while with you (but not the reverse, I presume) or at the very least ...make you feel, again "lucky" if he's not.

I saw the film Private Benjamin when I was pretty young and the older I've got, I've realised that the writer absolutely pinned abusive men. Not the battering type of abusive men, but the chauvanist, selfish, manipulative, everything on their terms, fuck up your head, turn you into a shadow of yourself abusive type of man; he also didn't feel monogamy was necessary - for him. He also made her feel like he wasn't attracted to her as she was, that he preferred another look (hair colour rather than weight in that case).

Just a common garden abuser who thinks he's going to fuck around and get a woman to take it and be faithful. And who tries to wreck her self esteem and make her feel "lucky" to have him and make her strive to please him.

His poor ex.
He sounds like he's still push pulling her and manipulating her.

quivers · 12/12/2023 12:41

His ex texted him to say she wanted him back? Well if he says so... 😂

Saschka · 12/12/2023 12:42

He spends 3-4 weeks there 3-4 times a year. So essentially, he lives with his long-distance girlfriend and mother of his child for four months of the year, and shags other women behind her back while he lives away from her in your country for 8 months of the year.

Doesn’t sound like he has broken up with her, and doesn’t sound like hd has any intention of being monogamous with you. Fine for a fling, but don’t let yourself fall in love with him.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 12:44

I think the op ended the relationship.

Onelifeonly · 12/12/2023 12:55

You've only known him in 'real life' for a week. I see you with a few red flags too. Why are you even considering a long term relationship with a guy you hardly know?

As for the situation where he spends 3 to 4 weeks with an ex he supposedly doesn't like or find attractive, that he's only known 2 or 3 years, what on earth is that about? He sounds very immature, not like someone in his 40s.

Yes I do believe people can sleep with people they don't find attractive or like much. Libido can play tricks on you, plus I found myself in that situation when I was in my 20s. His story could be 100% true but you don't have to be part of it.

Onelifeonly · 12/12/2023 13:02

Sorry, I see it's over now. Good news, he sounds awful.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/12/2023 13:02

@Onelifeonly sorry, it's an old thread. I just came back to update. I guess I have known him for about 12 weeks now and in real life about 6 weeks. I gave it a shot but he's too messy and self-centered to be in a relationship.

He's just texted me asking if I want to come over tonight and watch a show we started watching together. Very strange as the message before was him telling me off for being insecure (telling me that it's not his job to make me feel secure) and for misunderstanding him plus my general behaviour such as me leaving his home when he told me his ex wants to get back together. He says I stormed off, in reality I put my dishes away and told him that I am going to go home and that it's all a bit too much for me. Very calmly.

OP posts:
TellingBone · 12/12/2023 13:07

It's not strange. He wants a shag.

Soerdu · 12/12/2023 13:10

@TooMuchRedMaybe you are a boss! Well done for walking away. Block that number and move on with your banging size 8 figure to someone that will think you're the best thing since sliced bread xxxx

Mumof3confused · 12/12/2023 13:11

I’d walk away from this one.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/12/2023 13:11

TellingBone · 12/12/2023 13:07

It's not strange. He wants a shag.

I don't actually think so. For being such a shagaholic he hasn't been that obsessed with having sex with me the last couple of weeks. It's basically me that has taken the initiative the last few times and that's only been 3-4 times a week maybe.

I think he just wants to feel like I still want him and he is quite lonely here as he doesn't have many friends. Most of his friends are women he has dated/slept with and it hasn't worked out with.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 12/12/2023 13:16

I wonder why he’s lonely… 🤔

TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/12/2023 13:17

pickledandpuzzled · 12/12/2023 13:16

I wonder why he’s lonely… 🤔

Haha, I know! What could it possibly be?

OP posts:
EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 13:20

I think he just wants to feel like I still want him and he is quite lonely here as he doesn't have many friends. Most of his friends are women he has dated/slept with and it hasn't worked out with

I think you're right.

He wants to just sort of pretend you didn't end things and return to business as usual. Because it suits him to have some company.

Oh and those aren't "friends".

Hellsmells · 12/12/2023 13:26

@TooMuchRedMaybe
I think he just wants to feel like I still want him and he is quite lonely here as he doesn't have many friends. Most of his friends are women he has dated/slept with and it hasn't worked out with.
I think you might be on that list too.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 13:29

he's too messy and self-centered to be in a relationship.

And a probable cheater, and abusive "I don't normally date as big as you".

I look thin at 5'6" when I'm a size 12; people are constantly telling me I need to put on weight. How could anyone other than very short women be smaller than a size 8 and healthy/not too thin.

Anyway, dude sounds like a narc.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/12/2023 13:31

Hellsmells · 12/12/2023 13:26

@TooMuchRedMaybe
I think he just wants to feel like I still want him and he is quite lonely here as he doesn't have many friends. Most of his friends are women he has dated/slept with and it hasn't worked out with.
I think you might be on that list too.

I'm trying to stay off it! I really don't want to be on it but I would love to meet up with all these women without him and have a chat and compare stories.

OP posts:
TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/12/2023 13:34

@EyeInTheSky23 Yea, I'm 5'7 (apparently he also doesn't like tall women as he's only 5'9). I'm Scandinavian though and we are tall by nature and he is from southern Europe.

I did look up narcissistic behavior in relationships and he ticks pretty much all boxes but I know it's very rare to meet an actual narcissist.

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 12/12/2023 13:36

He sounds mentally impaired. So I don't think there can be any reasonable conclusions drawn from his statements and actions as they are pretty much nonsensical.

I suggest that in future dating the soundness of mind takes precedence over a handsome face. It's not about "personality over looks" but about basic safety.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/12/2023 13:47

@QueenCamilla Oh he's not that good looking. He's got a dad bod but a nice face. He's charming and fun though, until he isn't.

OP posts:
EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 14:30

he is from southern Europe

I find some cultural attitudes towards relationships and fidelity persist there. Attitudes that do not work out well for women.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 14:32

He sounds mentally impaired. So I don't think there can be any reasonable conclusions drawn from his statements and actions as they are pretty much nonsensical

Lol.

Me too.

"I'm not attracted to my ex and find her irritating".

"Ive been fucking her everytime I visit".

"Its possible I'll get back with my ex and be a family with her and our child".

"Men always want to fuck other women when they're in a relationship".

You have enough (no wonder) and calmly walk out.

"You stormed out, anyway wanna come round and watch that series.."

He's a fruit loop.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 14:35

I did look up narcissistic behavior in relationships and he ticks pretty much all boxes but I know it's very rare to meet an actual narcissist.

Really?

I've met dozens.