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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are these flags as red as I think?

133 replies

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 13:45

After a long marriage I am back on the dating market, now mid-40s. I started talking to this man the same age as me about 6 weeks ago. We live near each other but he has been away until last week. Anyways, we had great chemistry over chat/video calls whilst he was away and it was even better when we met last week. We have basically been inseperable since. We have lots of fun, sex is great, we have the same interests, the same taste is music, food, films etc. I find him really attractive and fun and he says he feels the same about me. He says he wants a serious realationship etc. All good so far.

My issue is his past. He has a young child who lives abroad with the mother who he goes and sees for 3-4 weeks at a time 3-4 times a year. They broke up a year ago and he says he finds her really annoying and he's not attracted to her physically. Problem is that they have always had sex when he goes and sees them in this last year. He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me. She and the child is coming to see him in a month and half and they are all staying in a third country together (where I won't be) and I feel really unsure what to make of that. He said he's going to tell her that he's met me but that obviously won't stop them from having sex.

I asked him how long he's gone without having sex in the last year and he said, maybe a month. In the 6 weeks that we have been talking he has had sex with two other women. I don't expect full committment before meeting someone so I can't really say that he's done anything wrong I guess, but am I strange for feeling a little bit grossed out about it? He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal. I just don't think I can ever feel relaxed about him spending so much time with the mother of his child who he also occasionally sleeps with even though he's not attracted to her and finds her annoying. If that was true why would he do it?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 08/11/2023 17:33

She got pregnant on the second date (hmm) so he then spends 12 weeks a year shagging her even though she's 'annoying' and he's not attracted to her.

Of course it's a red flag. If what he says is true, he's got absolutely no integrity, standards or self-control. He's a feckless user at very best. And he'll go over there and fuck her while he's seeing you.

Opentooffers · 08/11/2023 18:04

He shagged 2 women while talking to you. Normal would be being free to talk to others and date before meeting you, but not that, big difference.
So the 1 poster with an alternative view, has appealed to your doubt about your feelings. This guy is a fuckboy, and, yes it is fine to be one, everyone has a right to lead their own life and have sex with whoever, but, if a person who knows they like to sleep around, lies to someone that they are after a committed relationship, there is the problem right there. The problem with a fuckboy is, to get a shag they will say anything. The trick is to listen to their tales, because they are often only too willing to divulge when asked (it massages their ego - look what I can do, look at the ladies I've pulled, gives them validation). Then, when you've listened, dismiss the "oh but you are different and my whole mindset has changed in a couple of weeks" claims.
Actually his past is a reflection on his personality and how he views women in a general sense, these are not changeable and have a direct bearing on the present. He is still the same person, and changing from that would take therapy and work. Lots of people get sucked in and believe they will be the special one, you are not alone, the attention given is enticing.
Also, sounds to me like the mother of his DC does not actually know they have broken up yet, he could quite easily be having a LDR with her as far as she's concerned, that would explain the sex.

Catoo · 08/11/2023 18:07

In the bin with this one

Pinkbonbon · 08/11/2023 18:09

The fact is, you are sleeping together NOW so he should damn well be looking to exclusive going forwards even if its not actually a relationship yet. He should be reassuring you of that but instead he's telling you that even six weeks MORE from now (was it?) when his ex comes to visit he 'of course' is still going to sleep with her.

The fuck would I or, most people, be cool shagging someone for the next few months when it's not even exclusive.

I could maybe pardon him for not making the relationship official so soon but he certainly shouldn't be humping everything else that moves in the mean time.
Single 'technically' or not.

The 2 girls before you met can be excused as him not even having met you yet so he can do as he likes. But he's met you now, slept with you several times and indicated hes looking to pursue 'something serious'. That in my book means exclusivity to a person going forwards. But clearly to him, it doesn't. Because he's a bullshit merchant.

Any decent person, after a few tumbles under the covers with someone, either cuts them loose or stops dating and shagging other people whilst they work out if a relationship might be tangible.

Thus guys intending to take you for a ride... ...after, taking you for a ride, ironically.

saffronsoup · 08/11/2023 20:28

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 15:34

@saffronsoup Thank you for this alternative view. This is exactly what the other part of my brain is telling me. In principle I don't have a problem with him having had sex with others, even whilst we were talking. He couldn't know that he would like me when we met. I think I just don't trust that he won't have sex with his ex as they spend 3-4 months a year together and haven't been able not to have sex up until now.

If you have been on this board awhile then you know many poster hate men the way incels hate women. Consensual sex with an ex, sleeping with someone you don’t like enough / aren’t attracted to enough for a relationship (most FWB) and sleeping with people outside of an exclusive relationship are common behaviours for both men and women. Should all the women doing any of those things be sl*t shamed, name called, and spoken of like they are undated and nothing but a piece of trash? In my opinion - no, and the same goes for men.

You don’t need to date anyone you don’t want to or don’t feel right about. But attacking and name calling and judging a single person for having consensual sex - be it a man or a woman is kind of disgusting.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 20:29

@Pinkbonbon it definitely does mean exclusivity to me too and I have told him that. He says that’s what he wants too and he’s telling his ex (or whatever she is) that he isn’t going to sleep with her again. He said I should come and stay too. I have a very flexible life situation too and I could do that but I don’t want that drama in my life and I don’t want to spend my life watching his every move I guess. I am not sure her knowing I exist would stop them from hooking up though.

he has been married for 10 years before so I think he’s somewhat capable of commitment but they never had kids. I also don’t know how faithful he was then.

to the PP who asked how he can take off for weeks like that, he’s a university professor. Even though his base is where I live in Europe (not the country he’s from) he lectures all over the world and can plan it around where he wants to be. Him and the mother have the same European nationality but she lives on a different continent with the child.

OP posts:
Bearpawk · 08/11/2023 20:34

I was going to say give it a go until I got to the sentence about him still having sex with his 'annoying, physically unattractive' ex !
What on earth would he do if he WAS attracted to somebody?!

saffronsoup · 08/11/2023 20:39

Opentooffers · 08/11/2023 18:04

He shagged 2 women while talking to you. Normal would be being free to talk to others and date before meeting you, but not that, big difference.
So the 1 poster with an alternative view, has appealed to your doubt about your feelings. This guy is a fuckboy, and, yes it is fine to be one, everyone has a right to lead their own life and have sex with whoever, but, if a person who knows they like to sleep around, lies to someone that they are after a committed relationship, there is the problem right there. The problem with a fuckboy is, to get a shag they will say anything. The trick is to listen to their tales, because they are often only too willing to divulge when asked (it massages their ego - look what I can do, look at the ladies I've pulled, gives them validation). Then, when you've listened, dismiss the "oh but you are different and my whole mindset has changed in a couple of weeks" claims.
Actually his past is a reflection on his personality and how he views women in a general sense, these are not changeable and have a direct bearing on the present. He is still the same person, and changing from that would take therapy and work. Lots of people get sucked in and believe they will be the special one, you are not alone, the attention given is enticing.
Also, sounds to me like the mother of his DC does not actually know they have broken up yet, he could quite easily be having a LDR with her as far as she's concerned, that would explain the sex.

And you would be perfectly fine with an MRA bird posting these same posts and name calling women who did the same behaviours as this guy did? I can tell you in the current world of online dating, many men and women are not sexually exclusive while dating until that is by mutual agreement. So while you may be fine with men trashing women and calling them names for not being only ever in sexually exclusive relationships, that is a lot of women who you think are awful people and fuckgirls and not worthy of any respect. I highly doubt most posters would actually be fine with men talking about sexually active women the way the man is being talked about in here. If OP had said she had sex with other men before deciding to exclusively date this guy, would you call her all the same names as the guy is called on here?

Many of you are far removed from the single or online dating world if you think women are only having sex in long term exclusive committed relationship. And you are very old fashioned to think that is the only way to be a decent and respectable person. I mean OP has only been dating this guy a few weeks and has been having sex with him for awhile. I am sure there are lots of names you can call her for that too.

Epidote · 08/11/2023 20:42

Gosh, you have been talking to him a few weeks and he is somehow telling you what to think and label you as insecure? Charming.
That man is a big shinny red flag with legs.

Smell to "it is never his fault" form 200 miles away.

Londonscallingme · 08/11/2023 20:50

Looks like my view will be going somewhat against the grain but… I actually don’t think all of the stuff you’ve described is that much of an issue (in the sense it sounds like something that might easily happen between lots of ex’s) but I find it deeply odd you have discussed it. Obviously he was free to shag whoever he wanted in the past and now he’s not if you are entering into a committed relationship. Either you believe he can be faithful or you don’t and whilst the situation with the child (and therefore time spent with the ex) is a complicating factor, I think that’s the case regardless of when he last had sex with her. If you were happy with the set up without knowing about the recent shaggjng I would be happy with it now. After all, you know they used to have sex because they were a couple and they gave a child. The fact they’ve been doing it more recently (when he was single) wouldn’t change much fir me to be honest.

LucyvanderPelt · 08/11/2023 20:54

He’s had sex with two women in the 6 weeks you’ve been talking? If you take ill or for any other reason can’t/don’t want to have sex with him, do you expect that he would be willing to wait for sex with you? Sounds like the sort of man who’d be off with someone else or cheating on you. Doesn’t sound like any relationship with him would be worth your time.

Catandsquirrel · 08/11/2023 20:58

Oooff messy. Several reasons:

  1. he's talked too much about his sex life pre you which is not usually that nice to hear about. We all know our partners have probably had sex. Fine. I hope my DP had a wild old time in the past as did I. It doesn't need quantifying or qualifying unless you like that kind of thing. Not if it was a bit close to when you met or whatever. Just be discreet.

  2. kid's mum situ. Total mess. Why was he sleeping with her on repeated visits if not attracted to her? Again, too much info. I'm not for dishonesty but I feel if it was casual and was truly never going to happen again could he not have glossed over the details, at least for now? Not the main point. Do you believe he won't do it again? It all feels an awful lot very soon to land on you about his sexual experiences with other women.

  3. it's a lot of time with her to be wondering at home while he's there

  4. main point really, making this about you being 'insecure'. Well, nobody would love this, my dude. It's serious messy baggage for him to manage if trying to make a relationship work including being a bit more boundaried. Not by trying control your feelings for you when you barely know each other. See claiming not to have been attracted to ex when he plainly was enough to have sex with her.

  5. bit early to be inviting you to come on visits to his kid no?

I get rather messy, manipulative, tell-her-what-she-needs-to-hear vibes. I'd take the good bits and keep looking, in all honesty.

EtiennePalmiere · 08/11/2023 21:04

His use of the word "obviously" makes my skin crawl, decent men can control themselves. Agree at least he's honest though, lots of guys would just lie.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 21:07

@Catandsquirrel I feel that he is very impulsive. Which can be a lot of fun, I can be that too, but he is impulsive in a different way. He has also already asked if I want to come and stay when he goes to see his dad in a couple of weeks, he asked if I wanted a key to his flat so I can get in if I need to when he's away (not sure why I would need to), he has facetimed me when he's been with his daughter (she is too young to realise though) and he invited me to a work event. He plans ahead a lot and he is including me in these plans. It's stuff like where we should go on holiday next year and when I should meet his daughter and the rest of the family.

OP posts:
GuyForksAndKnives · 08/11/2023 21:09

Ugh throw this one back, he'll catch something he can't get rid of and you don't want to catch STI from him. Yeuch.

SamW98 · 08/11/2023 21:09

Sorry OP but your latest update sounds very much like love bombing and combined with everything else he’s a walking talking red flag.

GuyForksAndKnives · 08/11/2023 21:10

And he's a future fakir.

Sureaseggs44 · 08/11/2023 21:38

I think that you should think carefully ……but really it’s up to you . If the relationship works for both of you and not just him then who are we to judge ? If you think you are going to fall deeply and he will let you down and not take your opinions feelings into account then perhaps back off.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/11/2023 22:24

🚩 galore

id run before I get too involved

Pinkbonbon · 08/11/2023 22:26

Oh dear, he's love bombing you too.

Wide swerve him op.

Channellingsophistication · 08/11/2023 22:56

he has a very casual attitude to sex.

he doesnt mind admitting sleeping with his ex, even though he finds physically unattractive and annoying. I wonder what her take on the relationship is?

he is not respecting your feelings

he is love bombing you- key to his home after 6 weeks?

too messy with all the red flags.

Catandsquirrel · 08/11/2023 23:03

This sounds like love bombing. It is extremely early to be planning all of that. Front loading goodwill without actually having to do anything.

Hellsmells · 08/11/2023 23:13

I feel sorry for future you. I hope you have the nerve to come back here for support.

EtiennePalmiere · 08/11/2023 23:47

Channellingsophistication · 08/11/2023 22:56

he has a very casual attitude to sex.

he doesnt mind admitting sleeping with his ex, even though he finds physically unattractive and annoying. I wonder what her take on the relationship is?

he is not respecting your feelings

he is love bombing you- key to his home after 6 weeks?

too messy with all the red flags.

I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks they're pretty much a couple

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/11/2023 23:54

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 08/11/2023 14:31

Wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot barge pole. Move on 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I wouldn't touch him with someone else's barge pole.