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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are these flags as red as I think?

133 replies

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 13:45

After a long marriage I am back on the dating market, now mid-40s. I started talking to this man the same age as me about 6 weeks ago. We live near each other but he has been away until last week. Anyways, we had great chemistry over chat/video calls whilst he was away and it was even better when we met last week. We have basically been inseperable since. We have lots of fun, sex is great, we have the same interests, the same taste is music, food, films etc. I find him really attractive and fun and he says he feels the same about me. He says he wants a serious realationship etc. All good so far.

My issue is his past. He has a young child who lives abroad with the mother who he goes and sees for 3-4 weeks at a time 3-4 times a year. They broke up a year ago and he says he finds her really annoying and he's not attracted to her physically. Problem is that they have always had sex when he goes and sees them in this last year. He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me. She and the child is coming to see him in a month and half and they are all staying in a third country together (where I won't be) and I feel really unsure what to make of that. He said he's going to tell her that he's met me but that obviously won't stop them from having sex.

I asked him how long he's gone without having sex in the last year and he said, maybe a month. In the 6 weeks that we have been talking he has had sex with two other women. I don't expect full committment before meeting someone so I can't really say that he's done anything wrong I guess, but am I strange for feeling a little bit grossed out about it? He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal. I just don't think I can ever feel relaxed about him spending so much time with the mother of his child who he also occasionally sleeps with even though he's not attracted to her and finds her annoying. If that was true why would he do it?

OP posts:
QPWO · 08/11/2023 14:53

I don’t think the situation with the ex and other women thus far is necessarily red flag material, although that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. But i do think that the way he’s spoken to you about your feelings and the way he’s talked about another woman to you are definitely veering into red alert territory. He doesn’t sound respectful about either of you. I don’t really see why he’s even told you about his sex habits before you met or got together, unless it’s either for some drama or to set your expectations for the future.

SpringleDingle · 08/11/2023 14:55

🚩He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal.
It doesn't sound at all normal to me. It sounds disrespectful to the mother of his child to have sex with her when he doesn't find her attractive - why on earth would he want to shag someone who he doesn't find attractive?

He sounds like a fuckboy and "Ain't nobody got time for that shit!"

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 14:59

@QPWO He told me about it during the weekend, so after we met. It came up because he slipped up. He said he is uncomfortable with his wanting to kiss him on the mouth and he said she does it because she has seen him and her mother kiss on the mouth. Considering he said they broke up a year ago (when child was 6 months old) I had to ask more questions about what exactly they do. He told me they have had sex everytime they have seen each other since they split. I also then asked if he's been sleeping with anyone else whilst we have been talking and he said he had.

OP posts:
bombastix · 08/11/2023 15:02

More red flags than a Communist jamboree I'm afraid

Pinkbonbon · 08/11/2023 15:02

I'm inclined, from experience, to trust the gut feeling of when they are NOT around. Definitely recognise feeling entirely comfortable around someone but once they are gone, having an uncomfortable feeling. And recognising that some things they've said just doesn't sit right with me.

I broke up with someone once based on that and when I did - I felt relieved.

He had treated me wonderfully but I didn't like the way he taked about other women. And something was...off.

I think our bodies know stuff. But when they're around, especially in the first flush of things, we are too caught up in being smitten. And it's not until they head out the door that we can hear ourselves.

I don't regret my decision. I'll still never have proof anything was amis but I don't need it as I trust my instinct.

QPWO · 08/11/2023 15:03

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 14:59

@QPWO He told me about it during the weekend, so after we met. It came up because he slipped up. He said he is uncomfortable with his wanting to kiss him on the mouth and he said she does it because she has seen him and her mother kiss on the mouth. Considering he said they broke up a year ago (when child was 6 months old) I had to ask more questions about what exactly they do. He told me they have had sex everytime they have seen each other since they split. I also then asked if he's been sleeping with anyone else whilst we have been talking and he said he had.

In that case I’d say it’s kind of your judgment on how he spoke about your feelings and about the ex. I think usually men should not be given the benefit of the doubt if it seems like they don’t respect women. On the other hand I think many people have a lot of sex and fwb while single then settle into monogamy when they meet the right person or hit a particular age.

category12 · 08/11/2023 15:03

am I strange for feeling a little bit grossed out about it?
You're not wrong or strange for being grossed out. It's how you feel.

He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal.
Ugh, my immediate reaction to that is "fuck off!" (to him) - he's trying to tell you how to feel and trying to make your expectations super low.

I wouldn't be interested in this guy as a boyfriend. Only good as a one-nighter. Nope.

Neverendingstory2 · 08/11/2023 15:08

He's not physically attracted to her but has sex with her every time he visits. That's vile. Tells me he would have sex with anybody if he's horny. Plus he's basically used her for easy sex. So that would be the red flag for me.

declutteringmymind · 08/11/2023 15:11

He's having his cake and eating it. How do you know you are not the other woman and he works away?

Cheesandcrackers · 08/11/2023 15:22

Is he honest? Sure. Are those red flags? Probably. Will you be wondering what he is up to when not with you? Definitely. Most people would not want that mental load.

SamW98 · 08/11/2023 15:24

declutteringmymind · 08/11/2023 15:11

He's having his cake and eating it. How do you know you are not the other woman and he works away?

That did cross my mind that he’s still married and looking for fun hook ups while he works away.

saffronsoup · 08/11/2023 15:27

A lot of sl*t shaming in this thread. Single people are allowed to have sex. You don’t own him or his body. He had sex with other people before you. If you can’t handle that don’t date him.

It is as much of a red flag as a man who is disgusted that a woman he has just started dating had sex with other men before him while single.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 15:34

@saffronsoup Thank you for this alternative view. This is exactly what the other part of my brain is telling me. In principle I don't have a problem with him having had sex with others, even whilst we were talking. He couldn't know that he would like me when we met. I think I just don't trust that he won't have sex with his ex as they spend 3-4 months a year together and haven't been able not to have sex up until now.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/11/2023 15:39

It's a non-starter then, isn't it?

You already don't trust him not to have sex with the ex, so you're starting from a point of having to force yourself to ignore your own alarm bells and pretend to be comfortable with something you're not.

Bobbotgegrinch · 08/11/2023 16:00

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 14:50

@Quitelikeit No solid proof. Just his word. I definitely couldn't sleep with someone I didn't fancy either, but he says guys do that all the time. I think only certain guys do that.

Just to verify this one, yes, some men (including me when I was younger) will sleep with women they don't fancy.

I think sex is a lot more separated from emotion for most men than it is for women. (I know I know, stereotyping, hence the "most"). For me, sex is a fun activity you do with a partner. I don't need to fancy the person I play badminton with, and I don't particularly need to fancy the person I have sex with.

Some of the most fun sex I've ever had was with someone I wasn't particularly attracted to. Not the best sex though, I think the added intimacy of being with someone you truly love and fancy the pants off of will always win out.

In your situation though @TooMuchRedMaybe , I'd kick this guy to the kerb. Even if he doesn't fancy this woman, it's not like she's a one night stand or a FWB he can just stop seeing now that you're together.

She's the mother of his child, and he's going to end up seeing her at times for the rest of his life, often when you're not present. Even if he does turn out to be a good, honest man and never does sleep with her again, it's always going to be at the back of your mind. You've only known him a few weeks, why set yourself up for a lifetime of that when you could just knock it on the head now?

Hellsmells · 08/11/2023 16:03

No slut shaming. He's already telling OP how to feel about things. That's the bit that matters the most. And he's demonstrated that he has no respect for his son's mother, yet she's fine to fuck. Another fairly significant indicator that he's not so great.

Dacadactyl · 08/11/2023 16:15

The red flags are actually redder than you think.

Mom2K · 08/11/2023 16:28

I think it's disgusting that he will have sex with a woman that he finds annoying and is not attracted to (and I think even less of him since this person is the mother of his child, he clearly has no respect for her).

It's disgusting that he's had sex with two different women in the past 4 weeks when you've been getting to know him in the last 6. He can't go a month without sex???

Seems like sex doesn't mean anything to him, he uses women as it suits him, treats them as disposable. He thinks it's normal. But I don't think it is normal for genuine, nice men that have healthy relationships.

I'd not be interested in him at all, but maybe that's just me.

Burntouted · 08/11/2023 16:31

Move on.
In the future, don't date any man with child ...regardless of age.

He hasn't done anything wrong. You both are single.

Too much of a messy situation already...

Billions of other guys on the planet..a lot who would treat you well.

Pick one.

sockarefootwear · 08/11/2023 16:46

Having sex with other women whilst speaking to you but before you were properly together would put me off, but that's a personal choice and not necessarily him doing anything wrong. The same goes for having a FWB relationship with his ex.

The real issues here as I see it are:

  1. Dismissing your feelings and telling you how you 'should' feel.
  2. Telling you that you are insecure and what he is doing is normal/everyone does it etc. Is he trying to set the tone for the relationship so that every time you feel unhappy with something you keep quiet, put up with it and assume you're being unreasonable.
  3. Saying that his ex is annoying/he's not attracted to her but continuing to have sex with her. If he'll do this to his ex can you trust that he won't do the same to you?
  4. Does his ex have the same understanding of their relationship as he is telling you? He seems to be spending approx 1 month every 3-4 living with his ex and their child. It's great that he wants to see his child but this sounds like an odd arrangement for the ex to accept. It sound more like something a couple would do if they were getting back together (or perhaps never broke up in the first place).
OhComeOnFFS · 08/11/2023 16:53

It's not slut shaming.

He had sex with someone and got her pregnant on the second date - he clearly wasn't using a condom.

He stays with her for several weeks a year and has sex with her every time.

He's incapable of going longer than a month without sex, even if he doesn't like the woman. (And tbh I'd round that "month" down to a few days.)

OP, dating this man is like dating Chairman Mao. There are too many red flags there. If you carry on dating him you'll face certain infidelity and probably a few STDs.

DatingDinosaur · 08/11/2023 17:15

“I just don't think I can ever feel relaxed about him spending so much time with the mother of his child who he also occasionally sleeps with even though he's not attracted to her and finds her annoying. If that was true why would he do it?”

I’d feel the same. To the point I’d be leaving them to it, tbh.

That, plus if any guy was telling me I’m insecure for not being okay with that setup..

Nah, leave them to it.

His only plus point is that he’s been open and honest/upfront about it, so really, the ball’s in your court as to whether you’re willing/happy to put up with it and if you’re not, what can you do about that. Sticking around is just telling him you’re fine with it, even if your words are telling him otherwise.

Gloriousgardener11 · 08/11/2023 17:21

He sounds utterly vile to be honest.
Willing to shag his ex even though he doesn’t find her attractive!

Shagged two other women in the time he’s been talking to and shagging you ?

Is he a bloody Tom cat ?
Have some self respect and get rid, he’s only after sex and he doesn’t sound too fussy about who he has it with.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/11/2023 17:25

@Gloriousgardener11 he shagged two women (that I know of) whilst we were talking, but we hadn’t met yet.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/11/2023 17:31

What sort of job does he have which allows him to spend three or four months a year ‘abroad’ ? How did he meet his ‘ex’ ‘abroad’ (if he is living with her and their child as ‘man and wife’ for a third of the year is she his ex, but never mind) , get her pregnant instantly, leg it off but still go back to see and live with her and their child?

OP, this is nonsense. This bloke is effectively married. ‘Abroad’ is probably Oldham or Norwich.

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