Are these flags as red as I think?

[TooMuchRedMaybe]

After a long marriage I am back on the dating market, now mid-40s. I started talking to this man the same age as me about 6 weeks ago. We live near each other but he has been away until last week. Anyways, we had great chemistry over chat/video calls whilst he was away and it was even better when we met last week. We have basically been inseperable since. We have lots of fun, sex is great, we have the same interests, the same taste is music, food, films etc. I find him really attractive and fun and he says he feels the same about me. He says he wants a serious realationship etc. All good so far.

My issue is his past. He has a young child who lives abroad with the mother who he goes and sees for 3-4 weeks at a time 3-4 times a year. They broke up a year ago and he says he finds her really annoying and he's not attracted to her physically. Problem is that they have always had sex when he goes and sees them in this last year. He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me. She and the child is coming to see him in a month and half and they are all staying in a third country together (where I won't be) and I feel really unsure what to make of that. He said he's going to tell her that he's met me but that obviously won't stop them from having sex.

I asked him how long he's gone without having sex in the last year and he said, maybe a month. In the 6 weeks that we have been talking he has had sex with two other women. I don't expect full committment before meeting someone so I can't really say that he's done anything wrong I guess, but am I strange for feeling a little bit grossed out about it? He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal. I just don't think I can ever feel relaxed about him spending so much time with the mother of his child who he also occasionally sleeps with even though he's not attracted to her and finds her annoying. If that was true why would he do it?

It's just getting worse with every update so please dump him.

For me, what would make me most uncomfortable is how he and his "ex?" are messing with their child. So the child thinks they're together? Or are they just supposed to think their mum and dad shag around with each other and other people?

What a head fuck for them as they get older.

OP - your instinct is telling you something. I personally think he has no intention to stop sleeping around. In 6wks, when he's met someone he likes (you), he's still slept with 2 other women? Eugh. He's got cheater written all over his forehead.

God no. Run a mile.

Following your update it sounds like he is also future faking you.
So you think hes really in it for the long haul. He isn't. Its a carrot.
he is telling you things he knows you want to hear. Fake reassurances to keep you around.

If he has so far been unable to stop himself sleeping with his apparently unattractive and annoying ex, you really think thats going to stop? I wonder if she realises how unattractive and annoying she is to him? Especially given that they must be kissing fairly often during the day if the dd is mimicking that! I bet those insults will be news to her.

Honestly, he is a walking, talking red flag. And thats even without the shagging 2 other women in the space of a couple of weeks whilst talking to you!

Throw him back, you can do better than that!

The biggest red flag for me is He says I'm being insecure when I ask about it and that what he's doing is normal.

It sounds to me like they're still together because it's a bit too easy for him to trivialise your feelings and concerns.

But also the I don't love her or fancy her but I still have sex with her thing. What's that about?

Is he lying (still fancies her or they're still together)? Or is he able to cut himself off from his emotions so much that he can have sex with an ex that he no longer loves or fancies (the warning sirens are going FULL BLAST on this one)? Or does he think he's doing her a favour by sexing her (narcissist much?)?

Reread your post and ask yourself what advice you would give if someone else had written it.

I would run a mile from this. Ok, technically there is nothing wrong with a single person having sex with as many people as they want, but personally I would be really hurt if I was getting to know a potential partner, having a sexual relationship with him, and he's off shagging others as well as me. It all comes down to how you feel about this OP. The mum and child who are also involved is a complication in itself - why the hell does he still have sex with her??? - but generally he sounds like someone I would not want a relationship with. I would be totally unsettled all the time. He does not sound worth the risk.

Does he wear a condom when you have sex?

Did he offer to?

How many women is he having sex with?

STDs are real. Be careful You don't want to end up a petri dish.

@FunkyKittens

Does he wear a condom when you have sex? Yes

Did he offer to? Yes

How many women is he having sex with? No idea. He says it's just me but we only met in person a little over a week ago so that's likely true since we have spent pretty much all our free time together.

Crikey op, he's really rushing ahead here.

I think you've got yourself a future faker and lovebomber here. Too much too soon is a big red flag.

You've been seeing each other a week and he's offered you a key. Madness.

@category12 I'm beginning to see that it is future faking and love bombing I think. He's fucking hard to resist though.

I would never survive in today's dating pool! Thankfully happily married but back in the late 90s when I was young and single, you met someone, and if you really liked them it just became exclusive without even having to communicate as such. Nowadays there's so many stages and rules and just seems so unnecessarily hard. If this were me I'd not feel happy that he was sleeping with other people (let alone his ex!). Might sound a bit uptight to some, but I know my boundaries and, to an extent, my worth. If all is as good as you say, why would he want to be seeing other people? I feel you would be best moving on and finding someone who values you more.

@sHREDDIES19 He doesn't say he wants to sleep with other people in the future. It's just what he's been doing to date that is concerning me.

What he's been doing up to now, I would imagine, is saying and doing exactly the same things with the other women he's been dating as he's saying and doing with you. It works. He sweeps 'em off their feet and then he's off to the next one.

You've been talking 6 weeks, seeing each other a week, he's saying all the things you want to hear, but also letting you know he's a serial shagger so you can't get too stroppy when he turns cold.

If you're determined to date him, try and keep your feet on the ground, cos he's definitely going way OTT for this stage.

Just go with your gut.

There are several red flags as I see it.

Firstly, he slags off his ex and says he's not attracted to her and finds her really annoying. She's the mother of his children so he shows no respect towards this woman even as a co-parent and after recent experiences I've had, that is no longer acceptable to me.

Secondly, he is constantly sleeping with people and you are spot on that there is nothing stopping him doing it with anyone including the apparently super annoying unattractive woman he shares a child with.

He sounds like a chancer to be honest, and if I could reverse time I'd have ditched anyone who made me feel the way you are describing because trust me it turned into a f'ing train wreck within a few months the last time I ignored my initial feelings.

I'd personally say to him very politely that you respect his coparenting arrangement but based on what he's told you, you'd prefer not to get involved after thinking about it.

His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know, and you're already seeing the first signs of gaslighting when he's telling you YOU are too insecure. No, you're not. He has broken up with someone but still keeps sleeping with them and can't keep his dick in his pants to save his life... he's a twat. You didn't see it wrong.

Is he really good looking or something?

Because once we strip back the other appeals, such as the way he makes you feel being down to love bombing, and the 'honesty' actually being him telling you exactly how he intends to treat you (just as he treats his ex).... ... there really isn't much more going for him.

In a sucker for a handsome guy too. But in the long run they aren't worth it if they're only going to fuck with your head and your heart.

Tbh I'd probably enjoy the fun too and then once they started to make me feel uncomfortable (eg: gaslighting, blowing hot and cold ect...) I'd bin off. I think the 'insecure' comment he made would have been my cue to call it a day. Like, damn, that was fun but...time to go, before you fuck my life up.

Cause realistically, from a relationship there are requirements that he obviously just doesn't meet. I mean, he's not a kind person (way he talks about his ex). He's the sort of person who instead of reassuring you, gaslights you. That's not suitable partner material, everything else asside.

I have an update! So it's completely over. He spent the last month making me feel more and more insecure by telling me all men (him included) wants to be able to sleep with other women when they are in a relationship and then randomly sending me memes/gifs about this, he told me he'd get back together with his ex if she wanted to so they could be a family, he told me his type is thinner than me (I'm a size 8) and then he stopped wanting to do anything with me other than watch TV basically. This is in conjunction with him love bombing (telling me he loves me even) and painting a picture of our wonderful future.

So, this weekend his ex texted him telling him she wants him back and that they should live together, that was kind the final straw for me as I know they are about to spend a month together and I walked out. Told him I can't be in a relationship with somebody who won't fully close the door on his previous relationship etc. He has since told me he finds my insecure behaviour unacceptable and that it isn't his job to make me feel secure. I'm pretty sure he has extremely low EQ and he really doesn't see anything from anyone elses side but his own.

Anyway, I miss him a little bit but the last message from him was pretty brutal so I now feel like good riddance.

Thank you to all of you who commented on this thread, most of you were absolutely spot on. I don't regret these last few weeks but I am glad it's not still going to be going on months or years later.

Well done for getting rid of him. It's hard in the beginning but it is so worth it. Stay strong!

Well rid op

he says he finds her really annoying and he's not attracted to her physically. Problem is that they have always had sex when he goes and sees them in this last year. He says I shouldn't be concerned about that because he has been single but he won't do it now that he's met me.

Whether you should be concerned or not about him continuing to shag his ex, now he's no longer single ....... Is a separate issue from the fact that he's been fucking a woman he says he's not attracted to and finds annoying, repeatedly. While presumably in the same home as their child.

That says a lot a lot him.

Sorry, I see you've ended the relationship anyway.

His attitude towards sex was worrying, even before he started talking in terms of not being faithful/having his own little loose harem.

So, this weekend his ex texted him telling him she wants him back and that they should live together

It's also really horrible of him to have been shagging her every time he visited when he's bound to have known she was probably only doing it because she had feelings for him and wanted to get back into a relationship.

Also worrying was the fact he claimed to have impregnated her on their second date ..... You should still be using condoms then. I bet he wasn't. He doesn't take responsibility for himself.

he told me his type is thinner than me (I'm a size 8)

Sounds healthy.

The only men I know who went for stick thin women turned out to be gay.

he told me he'd get back together with his ex if she wanted to so they could be a family

The woman he says he not attracted to and finds very annoying.

He sounds unstable.

All of the above. Get out the red bunting.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

telling me all men (him included) wants to be able to sleep with other women when they are in a relationship and then randomly sending me memes/gifs about this

Oh I see, that's a man thing, is it.

Here's the thing .... Even if all men wanted that (which many don't) monogamy is a contract. The only reason men get fidelity and reproductive "advantages' from women ... Is because they reciprocally offer fidelity and resources. It's a two way arrangement. No well adjusted woman will fuck them and have their kids without fidelity/monogamy in return.

There may be polygamists but they're not the bulk of the population... And the women have equal rights in polygamy to alternate partners.

Hrs just trying to run a scam - whereby he gets sexual opportunities and reproductive opportunities and presumably fidelity from the woman; without fidelity on his part. Let him try .... No self respecting woman would entertain him.