No real point to this. Got text meant for golden child sister

[Narcfamilies]

Been very LC with my family for a few years now. Mother is narcissistic and I was horrendously abused as a child teen and young adult emotionally financially and physically. One sibling golden child other just a bystander / tool when needed . Mother and sister managed to maintain a perfect public image to this day so I don’t see wider family / family friends.

When I got out I was just very low contact. So I basically send texts on special occasions or other rare times (so maybe 3/4 times a year)

I had text my mother last week as it was her 75mg birthday. She never even bothers to send my dc birthday cards but I thought it’s her 75th it won’t hurt . I text ‘Happy Birthday hope you have a lovely day. Hope you’ve been well we are all good kids well and happy etc etc’

shes not the best with tech and i got a message back almost immediately with a screenshot saying ‘She’s sent this don’t worry I won’t reply just letting you know she sent it first I haven’t started it just like you said. She won’t be able to say or prove we had any kind of relationship / contact so don’t worry about that. I won’t mention the kids as I know yours are the priority. Will keep you updated xxxx’
its not that I’m hurt I’m just pissed off and can’t understand why they act like this !

And why the comment about proving any kind of relationship??! I don’t want to do that makes no sense

Just frustrated that they carry this on

Who cares about being or seeming petty? They are horrible people. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.

If it were me I would set up a family WhatsApp, post it with a message saying something like:

“It has been so hard over the years to come to terms with how I am treated by my mum and sister. I’m so upset that this is the reaction to me simply wishing mum happy birthday (see screenshot). For the sake of my and my family’s health and well being, I am going to withdraw. I don’t want my children to suffer as I have. I’m only sending this so you all understand why I am going to withdraw from the family and am unlikely to see you again. I wish everyone well, even those who have upset me. All the best @Narcfamilies”

And then I’d block them all.

But if you decide not to do anything, then you can take comfort in the fact that she knows you have received the message and it will add to their stress and panic. I agree that it’s about the will: I think you and your children are not in it. I wouldn’t bother contesting, but would take satisfaction in knowing they are worried about it.

If you are going NC anyway, don't just disappear go out with a fucking bang and live your best life from now on.

Having seen that message, at least you know without a shadow of a doubt that you didn't misunderstand anything and it was never in your head. There is a golden child, and it's not you.

I'd be tempted to forward the screenshot to your sister with 'I think this was meant for you' and to have no further contact with either of them.

Hi OP just signed up to comment on your post.

I had similar with mother and sister. Final proof actually came in an unexpected way, when sorting my mother’s affairs after she died, in the form of an email chain. It was such a deep betrayal yet at the same time not a surprise.

It was my sister lying about me wrt something very serious, adding assumptions and thoughts. My mother believed so instantly, and piled sickening soothing ego flattery on top of that. By contrast she’d dismissed or played devil’s advocate to anything I’d said or felt for as long asI could remember.

So deeply painful at a time of an already complicated grief. And such anger omg, mainly at myself for confiding in my sister in adulthood. She expressed understanding about the scapegoating and even drew my attention to it by giving examples of things that were done and said in my absence.

But it has been a gift in the end as I come out of the other side of this. Now I really know there’s nothing I could have done to resolve this dynamic. The proof has given me so much clarity.

Ironically I’d got involved again because my sister already had a diagnosis when our mother became ill. Contact always harmed me on many levels, but as it turned out, helping out ended up giving me info I couldn’t have got in any other way.

I really hope this message sent in error ends up being a great gift to you as well @Narcfamilies 😊

I'm sorry you had to see that OP.

I think you have to take satisfaction in that they are fretting about you contesting a will that it sounds like you have made peace with not receiving anything from. They are petty and pathetic and still giving you lots of headspace, whereas you are strong and despite your difficult upbringing have moved on without them. They will always be trapped in their dynamic being emotionally manipulated by each other, whilst you are free and happy. I'm sure that is worth more to you than any money from your mother's will!

I think the text could suggest some coercive control - which might frustrate plans that the mother and the sister have.
Perhaps police or social services should be aware.

Yes, it very much sounds like your sister is in control here.

Do you have any contact with your sister?

I would absolutely go NC with the whole lot of them. Utterly dreadful.

Also, that message of your mothers, bowing down to her daughter, she sounds like an idiot, sorry.

You're well rid.

She sounds terrible and I'd go even more LC. I am NC with my mum (my only biological family member other than my dc, of course). The final nail in the coffin was when she started to email friends to tell them I'd stolen money from her (like a lot of money, like several £100K) while literally in the same breathe emailing me lovely sweet things telling me how much she missed me and loved me and didn't understand why we had no relationship (she very well understood the reason, btw). It was only when one of her friends got in touch with me to say how terrible I was and that I needed to apologise about the money, that I had any idea what was being said behind my back. I finally received a screenshot of the email to this friend saying what my husband and I had supposedly 'done' (which was a pack of lies).

Anyone who can talk shit about me and my family behind our backs to try to get others to doubt my honesty and integrity doesn't belong in my life (the reason she wanted people to believe that I was dishonest was because she didn't want anyone to believe anything I said about the real reason we had no relationship - because she knowingly helped a convicted paedophile to have access to my children). As if that wasn't bad enough, I was almost willing to accept that sometimes people make errors of judgement, especially in unhealthy relationships (this man is her partner), but it was the conscious choice many years down the road to try to create a narrative where everyone else would believe I was a terrible person and she was the victim that did it for me. The collusion with others was what felt so horrible to me. I cut her off immediately and have never looked back.

This is good advice

I would do a group chat on watsapp, add them all, upload the screenshot just saying 'just to show the real story'. Then leave. 😆 I'm not usually petty but in this situation I would not care one bit how it looked. But also I really feel for you, it must be upsetting.

Some people don’t deserve to be parents and your ‘mother’ is one of them. I’m sorry, OP, you deserve better.

This. Exactly this but I wouldn’t block as I’d want to see if anyone replied. But that’s just me. If anyone did reply I wouldn’t respond to anything more but I’d be wanting to see if they did reply.

I've been NC for over 20 years now and it's the best decision I ever made.

I know it hurts that you don't have a mother, but she's never going to change and become that, no matter how hard you try or how old she will get.

Protect yourself and cut them off. It feels a bit lonely, but it feels even more lonely having to deal with people with NPD.

OP I thought my own narcissistic DM was bad but this is chilling. Well done for getting out and in with your life.

If you do want to go NC, I’d be tempted to set up the Whatapp group, share the screenshot and explain why you’re not in contact any more. Maybe share it all with others before letting your DM and DSIS know you have to give it a chance to sink in with other family members before your DM and DSIS can think of a comeback…..Don’t let her go to her grave thinking she’s got away with it. Also why should you be ostracised from wider family because of her behaviour.

It doesn’t look like you’ll getting any inheritance from her anyway so there’s nothing to loose!

Print the screenshot and keep it safe.

And you know what, you could easily contest using a no win no fee place. Let them do it all for you. Screenshot the texts you have sent 4x per year.

Think of the money as for your children's future. Uni fees are currently £9k+ per year!

If they want to ensure you can't contest, they need a letter alongside the will with an explanation of why you are cut out.

So sorry you've had to deal with this, OP. You seem very level headed about it.

I don't have very close experience of narcissism but I would be tempted to send the screenshot back to her with a lone thumbs up emoji. So ambiguous, potentially innocuous, and yet so strangely powerful in its ability to annoy!

As to others' suggestions of sharing it with wider family members - only you know how they'll likely react. If they'll only make excuses or say they don't want to get involved then it's not worth your emotional energy.

And the text also proves it's the sister who is preventing the mum from contacting you - so she can benefit fully from the will. A no win no fee would have a good crack at it OP

This is perfect actually.

You expose their behaviour without looking in any way petty. It's a completely reasonable response.

It also allows you to go NC knowing that you stood up for yourself in a calm, measured way and you couldn't have done any more.

Maybe the penny will drop with some members of your extended family and they'll offer support, maybe not as they're so enmeshed in their own dysfunction, but you can walk away with your head held high.

I would reply to her saying:

"What a terrible message to have sent"

Sorry OP - that is shit. And it sounds like you've built a tough wall of armour around yourself so you don't get hurt anymore, but I am sure deep down there must be a bit of you that feels so betrayed and I am so fucking sorry for that. They are a pair of selfish cunts. And I don't use that word lightly.

In your shoes, I wouldn't make any decisions straight away and I would let them know exactly that.

Send the screenshot back to both with a 'thumbs up' and say "Good to have clarity on your plans. I'm having a think about this text and what I want to do about it."

Even if you end up doing nothing - they will feel sick for a few weeks.

It’s about the Will, you are correct that contesting it would be pointless as you are not dependant on her.

in which case, I would send the screen shot to the whole family, and out her and sisters behaviour.

I am saying this assuming you never did anything bad to them, and it would need to be bad to exclude you, not the usual family minor stuff.

But you can contest an unreasonable Will in England.

I think OP, that if you can afford to, you should see a specialist solicitor asap about how likely it would be if you were to contest your mum's Will after she dies, that her treatment of you could lead to her being treated as if she died Intestate?

I know that it would probably cause you a lot more hassle now, and/or when your mum dies @Narcfamilies, but if I were in a similar situation to you, I would be so upset by the way I had been treated over the years by such nasty family members - who are supposed to be part of your strongest network of love and support - that contesting the Will, whether I won or lost the case, would help me to feel so much happier within myself.

I am not usually a vindictive person, but your mother (particularly), has taken most of, if not all of, the pleasure, security and comfort from your childhood, so you may well need to feel as if she and your sister did not get off completely scot-free in the end.

However, I feel that I need to add a couple of addenda to my paragraph above:

If you know, or seriously suspect OP, that keeping or having any further contact with your mother and/or sister, will cause you even more damage, and will make your pain even worse, then do just go NC with them straight away, and ignore my suggestion in the paragraphs above.

You are the one who has suffered for all of these years, you must put yourself first for once - occassional and necessary (apparent) "selfishness", is not a horrible trait, it can be a life saving one! You coming through this traumatic and extended period of your life, with no negative feelings towards them, and with your mental health intact, and with you also managing to be a loving and caring person - which you have already cracked - would, of course, be the best result for you. You may need some counselling to help you achieve the best outcome and in the quickest time, but that is fine, after all, it is why we have counsellors in the first place 🌻🍁xx

Ps. Whatever you decide to do at the moment OP, please do not delete the message from your mother that was meant for your sister but sent to you by mistake! In fact, please try to find somewhere safe to keep it.

I would look at it as compensation for the abuse and neglect towards her and her children. She is as much part of that family as her sister. She can walk away and allow her sister and her children to get everything. Would that make the op happy it might but I wouldn't make it easy for them at all.

That is horrendous OP.

I agree that it's about inheritance and I know that you can't do anything about it if she does leave you out but I would absolutely let them both know that you saw what was said, you have evidence of what was said and then never speak to them again. Let them drive themselves mad wondering what you're going to do with the information.

Forget about any inheritance, why would you want anything from these people.

I would reply, with the screenshot, saying; "I don't think this was meant for me 😘" and let the pair of them sweat.