His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

Oh OP I was so sad to read your post. It must be emotionally exhausting.

The red flag to me is the fact he deleted the previous message(s). It shows that he’s at best continuing to be deceitful.

If it was just a case of letting her down gently why dress it up as such a chore staying in the marriage was?

Do you really need this hanging over you?

@BlushTeddy this is heartbreaking for you.

all I will say is, when you were a little girl thinking about being grown up, with a partner and kids, did you see this? No - you are still her really. Want more for yourself x

Wow, what a martyr he is, let's all give him a round of applause.
You have two problems in this relationship, your cheating husband and your lack of self esteem.
One is fixable.

@BlushTeddy

I don't read it like he is somehow wishing he were with the OW. That message has no emotion really. It seems cold and letting her down gently. To me it reads like she asked him how he's been and he replied. He shouldn't have. But he seems like a decent human being who made a mistake and is struggling with implications.

I know you are hurt and in your mind every word gets twisted and worst possible meaning is attached to them. It's understandable.
But the message doesn't say he was forced to stay. Or that he doesn't want to be where he is.

The message says how it is - he did make his choice to stay - you made yours.... You both had to make a choice for yourselves.

Then he says it's not been easy. Affair recovery is not easy - rebuilding the relationship; dealing with the pain he caused; resisting temptation of something illicit; etc - of course it's hard. Dealing with real life relationship is hard - affairs are far easier as they happen in a vacuum where real life doesn't really exist.
It's OK to admit it. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be there and be doing it.

OP - I think you need to talk to him. Your imagination will only make ever worse the longer you wait. And - recovery need you two to be able to discuss all. And especially something like this that clearly triggered you.

OP I'm inclined to see it differently.

I do think it is possible she may have initiated contact, your DP deleted her messages as he didn't want to be reminded or pulled back in and he probably does still have some 'feelings' Unfortunately you don't necessarily stop caring altogether for an ex-lover, I know that's controversial, but it's true. But it's how he reacts to those feelings now that matter.

Look up Limerence. I think because he didn't get to fully live out things with the other woman he may be clinging onto fantasy. Your relationship may seem in contrast like 'work' or 'doing the right thing'

An honest, calm discussion without recrimination may reveal what he's really thinking about the two of you. Then you'll be able to make decisions. But living in uncertainty and fear isn't healthy. My heart goes out to you x

Why not give her a call and ask if she loves him and if she thinks he still loves her.

Contraversial but would you believe what he says, it also makes you more real to her.

It may help make your future decisions.

I'm not sure why he his still in contact with someone who is in the past if that's what you agreed on when you decided to remain in your relationship with him.
Presumably he told you it was over and that he wanted you to put it in the past?
Why has he not done what he's asked you to do?

His arse would be so gone if it were me sorry to say, but life is not going to be easy for you either way.

Yes OP, I would also be thinking that she had contacted him and he was letting her down nicely, (only one sent message, he wouldn't remember to delete one sent message and then not the other, and none sent since to suggest any further contact after he did let her down). He had to answer, to put her off.

But...... was the text to a name, or a mobile number ? Has he kept her number all this time ?

Wow, two years of post-affair treading on unresolved eggshells, it sounds really awful. It's unclear from your post whether your husband is the robustly lying cheating shit variety, or the feeble, inadequate type of bloke, or what. The options: 1) ask him about the text message, and have an adult conversation about it, 2) forget about it and carry on with Trying To Make The Marriage Work until you're too old to find or want another relationship, or 3) make escape plans.

Ask him whether he feels he's happy and whether he made the right choice in trying again.
Ask out right whether he is proud of himself and his commitment to you all and whether he thinks it has been worth it and whether he has gained renewed attraction to you.
Ask him to be honest. Don't mention the other woman.
Have a frank discussion without that emotive element.
The answers will tell you how worried you need to be and if you have a HAPPY future..

If the affair was 2 years ago and you found a recent text then they've never not been in contact. They are very much still in contact. Cut him loose and don't waste anymore of your time.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The thing is, I can’t really see why after all this time she would have instigated anything.

even if she had, he would then have been totally fine to tell me it had happened. He wouldn’t have done anything wrong.

instead he’s been acting off for ages, clearly hid it from me, told her he really missed her but was essentially ‘trying to stick with his decision’. So overall it doesn’t look great but it’s just facing up to it. There’s been nothing since at least so it could be the end of it but not a great way to live, just wondering.

he doesn’t have her number saved by the looks of it, on his phone anyway.

If it’s his behaviour that made you check his phone I think you should listen to your instincts. We only really go wrong when we try to minimize them or tell ourselves that we are misinterpreting them. I would be both suspicious and hurt by this.

I’m really sorry OP but I’m just not sure why he’s be ‘letting her down gently’ two years later. I think you are trying to see what you want to in this situation

The thing is, I can’t really see why after all this time she would have instigated anything.

Maybe because they've still been in contact the whole time or most of the past 2 years?

Isn't the part where he's saying he really missed her enough for you to feel angry and confront him?

There’s been nothing since at least so it could be the end of it but not a great way to live, just wondering.

How do you know if you haven't checked again?

I think you need to speak to him. I think deep down you have your suspicions but maybe trying to come up with some explanation that makes him look innocent.

I think the fact for me he said he misses her and he's trying would be enough for me personally. Have you asked him if he's staying cause he wants to save the relationship or is he staying for the kids?

This is infidelity, @BlushTeddy. I’m very sorry.

Your H is in ‘wayward mode,’ and he and OW have new secrets. She knows that he really misses her and is grappling with staying in the marriage, like a martyr. She knows more about the state of your marriage than you do.

He has breached the recovery structure he agreed on, and made a mockery of his second chance. If he were truly committed to rebuilding your relationship and helping you heal, he would have worked on himself and kept strict NC. If OW contacted him, he would have told you and then definitively shut her down. He would never have resumed intimacy by professing feelings and confiding information about your marriage.

After 2 years, his promises, and ongoing couples counseling, I would view his faithless behavior as an unforgivable betrayal. I would know that I’d been duped in a false reconciliation. It would be game over, and I wouldn’t be giving him any more opportunities to deceive and manipulate me.

@BlushTeddy, you deserve to be cherished and to be treated with utmost respect, affection, honesty and loyalty.

@BlushTeddy it is very common for men to keep in touch secretly with affair partners after the affair has stopped. "Not just friends" talks specifically about this and about how they will grieve for the lost affair and affair partner. I know sometimes it will be because they have a common bond in the affair and want to check that each other is OK as there is no one else they can talk to about it.
🙄

Sorry, but he is absolutely 100% NOT trying to let her down gently, in fact he's trying to initiate contact & pick up where he left off. He should have ceased contact with her 2 years ago, when you decided to stay together. I'm betting there has been ongoing contact. As others have said, the fact he said he misses her, it tells you everything!

OP you know what this is, you know what he's doing.

You've been there before, got the tshirt etc

The level of disrespect he has shown you in the past is bad enough, but for him to still be disrespecting you now is staggering.

Only you know how much of this you are prepared to put up with.

He doesn't deserve you, and you could do SO much better.

The fact that ‘he’s been off for ages’ is very telling. It sounds like he’s been putting distance between you. That is incongruent with authentic reconciliation, where the adulterer pours his emotional energy into the injured spouse’s recovery and works proactively to restore trust.

His being off is due to OW’s continuing presence in his head and in your marriage. The message you saw is a huge betrayal, and they’ve likely had other interactions since your discovery 2 years ago, and will in the future.

@BlushTeddy, he hasn’t been honest or all in with you, and he hasn’t been honest in the counseling sessions. He’s been a pretender who is unworthy of your trust and your blessing of a second chance.

This thread is absolutely chock full of some nonsense. There’s a lot of over romanticising of affairs, a dose of victim blaming and some definite confusion about what reconciliation looks like by well meaning individuals.

@BlushTeddy reconciliation does not look like this. You know that. Of course there’s a period of time where the cheat longs for the highs of the affair, and even thinks of themselves as pining for their affair partner, but by two years out, if they’ve done the work this should have been well in the past. By now your husband should be entirely remorse driven and focused on the healing of his you and your precious family. He is not.

As usual @MsDogLady cuts through the noise and nails it.

I’m reconciled successfully and happily so I know it works and can bring about great change but only if the cheat is 100% committed to their work, to being a better person. How much understanding do you have about reconciliation as a process? Do you understand what remorse truly looks like? If you don’t then you’ll be forever in false reconciliation and with an unsafe partner.

My advice would be get off mumsnet for infidelity advice and move straight to Surviving Infidelity. Read in the reconciliation forum. Get a copy of a book above ‘not just friends’ and read from cover to cover. Get a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ as that gives you a blue print of what your husband should be doing and you’ll see how far away his actions are.

At the end of the day, in reconciliation actions are everything and actions are what you’re watching.

This is every reconciled woman’s nightmare and I am so very sorry he’s pulled you back in your healing. That alone makes me so angry for you.

Make sure you get receipts because I would seriously suggest divorce. He is still in love with her and wanted her to know that he 'really' misses her. It's not going to go away op, I'm so sorry.
It's heartbreaking for you and the children but it's no way to be treated.
Get your receipts now, and look for an exit

Why did he have the affair OP? What was his reasoning or justification? He was caught out I assume ( as opposed to coming clean on his own accord) so those reasons probably still stand

2 years is a long time to be pining over an affair. He clearly loved her and still does. I'm sorry

See him for who he really is, not who he's pretending to be.

You have a great future ahead of you. It'll be tough for the first year but you'll get through it and you'll come out stronger.

Be on your own for a bit and sort out your boundaries and what you'll accept and not. Stand up for your own happiness and peace and leave this man to do his own thing. He doesn't want to have a future with you and in a way this sets you free of years of pain and worry.

You deserve happiness. Let yourself choose a better life

Having read your OP again, there’s just not enough to go on to make a decision.

Maybe he was just trying to let her down gently. She maybe contacted him again in a moment of weakness or loneliness, or while drunk or something, and he’s trying to ward her off.

In a long haul relationship, very many of us have to ‘try’.

Perhaps speaking with him is the best thing.

I am you 😂 I wish I was more measured and patient but nope. Raging in full force is more my style