His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

Just to reply to a few of the responses - I’ve checked again and nothing since but they could have been deleted, or found an alternate way to communicate so that doesn’t mean much.

he has insisted in the past he wants to stay for me but… It was a full-blown affair. He didn’t confess, was caught, and he’d also bought her expensive jewellery and probably other stuff I’m unaware of. He was being very emotionally distant and I had a hunch and found a message that hadn’t been deleted so feels very much like history repeating itself.

there’s been conflicting viewpoints here and I’m so torn between wanting to believe there was good intent behind it. But it just doesn’t fit. Two years is a long time to be thinking of someone as others have said. He should have told me. It’s not like he said things were going well between us and he was happy. Surely that would be kindly letting her down if that was the intention?? making it clear there is no way back but still not horrible to her. Not after so long and we’re still together.

You should just ‘be’ committed you shouldn’t have to ‘try’ to commit. I don’t know if I can ignore the nagging feeling something is very wrong, but when/if I do confront him I want to be clear about what I’m going to do. As he may just confuse me further.

What was the message found on op? Have you checked if you can see deleted messages in anyway?

@pearshapedmim it was an email in a sent folder, no chain, nothing else on the account and it looks like he’s maybe deleted incoming Mail but missed the sent items. So could have been a response to a message somewhere else and just used his email to reply. But he had used secret accounts when they were seeing eachother. I don’t think I can recover deleted messages.
I checked his phone and her number isn’t saved but also not on the blocked list.

@BlushTeddy , I can not stress enough this is NOT the place for infidelity advice and most certainly NOT for reconciliation advice. You’ve got a number of people on here who simply don’t understand affair psychology, the damage and the requirements for you to feel safe at all! It’s frightening.

This thread is entirely why I post here, because the plain ignorance of some posters giving advice even though they have no clue what it looks like leads to betrayed women being in unsafe reconciliations.

Please please move to surviving infidelity.

There is NO EXCUSE for a man who has put you through the trauma of infidelity, taken your right to sexual consent, removed your personal agency to be in touch with his affair partner after two years. I don’t care how it happened or why it happened, there is NO excuse.

Ok that makes sense. He's a sneaky bastardised isnt he...

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. You sound lovely - that low life doesn't deserve you.

As someone with considerable experience of affairs, his decision was to stay to be a father and support his family and not undertake the financial and other upheaval to divorce.

@pearshapedmim thank you xx 😞
@Susieb2023 thank you for such detailed advice. I went on that site post discovery and we did everything that was ‘recommended’ but it seems like he’s done what he can to make it look like he’s trying but fundamentally given what’s happened, it would be fair to assume his heart isn’t in it. Maybe it was initially. I don’t know.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you again .
My advice is to get your ducks in a row and leave .
You said in your gut you knew something was off , you really do not want to live like that .
In these modern tech times there are so many ways to communicate , you’ll drive yourself mad trying to find evidence that he’s in contact with OW but would be lucky if you came across a random one ( as you have ) and then the cycle starts over again .
Bottom line is he should have blocked her on everything but didn’t .
that says it all .
Take care, you do sound lovely and more than capable.
You deserve better 🩷

Ask for an itemised phone bill and you’ll see if he’s stuck to his word.

100%

He's going through the motions, but his head is still elsewhere.

I know this must be really hard, but I think you're overthinking things. Don't get caught in the trap of trying to justify his actions.

It really doesn't matter why/how/where/when/what he's thinking.

What matters is that he fucked around and he's still contacting her and telling her he misses her.

What matters is that he has zero respect for you, and that you and your kids would be far better off without him.

I don’t know if I can ignore the nagging feeling something is very wrong, but when/if I do confront him I want to be clear about what I’m going to do. As he may just confuse me further

this is just so very sad. Why would you want to ignore the feeling. And saying he will confuse you further is effectively saying if he will promise again I’m staying in. Are you scared he’s going to say it’s over if you approach it? Is that why you’re hiding this?

I'm gobsmacked by the amount of people saying he might have been letting her down gently as if that makes it all ok.

There should be no contact. Whatsoever. End of.

And if she did get in touch he should block/ignore. Why should appeasing the exOW be his priority?

Also, I noticed in OPs latest post she said it was from a new email account and that he had set up secret ones in the past. Maybe me being daft but how would she have his new secret email address if he hasn't given it to her or contacted her first?!

@obje no it was his normal email the one I found that was sent not a new account…

and yes I agree, maybe initially keeping her calm would have been understandable but two years down the line doesn’t make as much sense.

Op, I've been following this thread and I really do feel for you.

If you confront your husband he will lie, manipulate and gaslight you.

I know this is so hard and I know how much this hurts, but I think you need to harden your heart to him. If you can leave him then see a solicitor and if you can't leave him then start investing your time and energy into yourself rather than your marriage.

You don't need to tell your husband what you are thinking or how you really feel, he is being honest with you. Don't imagine that just because you're married that you're on the same side. He is not on your side, he is self serving and is managing both you and the OW.

Be clever.

You don't have to stay with him. You tried. You don't want to be someone's pity party. Second choice. None of that.

It doesn’t seem as though his loyalty is to you. His loyalty is to her in this scenario. As PPs have said, they’ve got a secret going on between them again. He’s still cheating, basically. Even if it might not be physically, right now. If his heart is with her he will probably eventually leave. Better to be in control of the situation.

Sadly many women do take this when faced with going it alone. The lifestyle and semblance of a marriage being preferable even though they know he’s there for the kids or finances and lifestyle too.

It’s highly feasible her husband and this woman are simply messaging on a different platform as before, resumed their affair,his behaviour has shown something is off, and that’s not just one email a couple of months ago. Let’s face it.

im concerned the op is not confronting it as she’s worried it will blow up and he will end it. She’d not be the first to try to convince herself it was innocent so she can look the other way. Fear drives behaviour that we often can’t understand.

its a soul destroying way to live though. Knowing it’s a sham and waiting for the sword to fall. All consuming. Every phone call. Every text, every email. Every time he’s late home, every time he goes out, wondering if he’s with her, if today will be the day he ends it.

my advice would be to start getting stuff in order. So that when it comes to it, she’s prepared. Doesn’t matter if it’s tomorrow or in five years, other than her own self esteem.

hut fundamentally they both know the marriage is over. They just are not saying it out loud.

Op as I said yesterday because you are level headed and not bouncing off the walls, keep quiet and seek legal advice. As he has done tus before you are less blindsided (presumably) than last time.

Personally in your situation I’d get myself so I am aware financially of my situation then I would serve him divorce papers. No discussion. I would get the documents. Put them in an envelope and clearly state I am not living with infidelity. Please go be with her, you are free. Then go away for the weekend.

That is the only way to have a chance of saving it (and more importantly getting yourself out of this shit show). He isn’t Romeo - he’s just a common cheating liar who thinks the grass is greener where he isn’t. Unless he fixes his whys (and he hasn’t because he still lacks integrity and honesty) he is unsafe. Affairs are not due to bad marriages. I have had numerous opportunities to cheat during my marriage, drunk, sober, happy with husband, annoyed by husband. But I have to live with me forever and I CHOOSE not to cheat. I do not have a but in my wedding vows. People like to believe only those in bad marriage cheat because it makes them think they have control over the situation. You don’t, you can’t control him. He’s sly and sneaky. He doesn’t talk and when he does he lies. This could be due to many things. But you can control you. You can get yourself out of infidelity and as you are composed do it the best way you can FOR YOU. Get your ducks in a row first. Let him be on the back foot.

There is no reason to contact her and no reason not to have told you if she contacted him. He is still a cheater.

Oh and he’s not loyal to her either. If he was he’d be honest. He’s not honest to you, her or himself. He spins you a yarn, her a yarn and twists himself in yarn. Pathetic individual.

Look after yourself op. You are strong, loyal and like to see the good in people - write down your values and live by them. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are. Don’t let this affect your self esteem.

What I’m hearing is a man staying in the marriage because of finances, children, lifestyle, emotional security and convenience but not because he loves her partner. He doesn’t love the OP but more the perks that come with it. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

This is what I mean because it just came across like he was only here out of duty / kids.

I don’t know where his loyalties lie but yet again he has betrayed me, not her. As a PP said, she seems to know more than I do at this point!

like why bother pretending? I thought it was genuine. Why would you choose to just carry on lying after the fall out before??

The fact he hasn't blocked her, and he says he misses her is all you need to know. Am so sorry but gosh I would be getting myself ready to file for divorce. Let him go, let yourself be loved by someone else who wants to be with you whole heartedly. Take care

He still lies because he isn’t remorseful. He is either blaming the marriage or you. And/or he hasn’t ever addressed why he is a liar, lacks integrity, requires smoke blowing up his arse, has a But in his wedding vows.

That is why the unmet needs nonsense doesn’t work. Your needs are not currently been met - would fucking the faithful milkman fix your unmet needs? No you’d still have unmet needs at home, you’d still have a lying husband and now you’d have become a lying cheat too - thus throwing an extra problem into your marriage.

@BlushTeddy like why bother pretending? I thought it was genuine. Why would you choose to just carry on lying after the fall out before??

He’s never going to tell you “I value more the perks that come with being married to you than a serious relationship with the OW”, so he’ll say he loves you as to string you along. Once you’re “under control” and things going the way he wants he’ll then contact the OW to let her know “he misses her” because ultimately what many men want is to have their cake and eat it too. Your husband seems to belong to the “cake and eat it too” club.