His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

That's it exactly. It's the little thought for what they are doing. That's all I need to know about it, TBH. I know others may have different tolerances and perspectives, that's just how I feel.

People will continue to show you who they are, it’s up to you if you want a life of being cheated on.

She’s not special and she won’t be the last.

You are his second choice because you have the kids.

There's really no other way of looking at this.

Is this really how you want to live OP?

Get advice now. Get Christmas out of the way and start divorce. Let the pair of cheating skanks have each other.

I would take his phone somewhere where you can get his messages retrieved... or a factory reset can get them back sometimes.

I know this will be frowned on here and posters will rush to say just end it as the trust has gone but sometimes you just need to KNOW the facts. Or at least some of them.

It's very hard to walk away after going through all that. Especially when they tell you exactly what you want to hear.

(Been there - he was lying his arse off.)

It’s the fact that he still messaged her recently. Very disrespectful

It sounds like you are over analysing the situation when instead you should be giving him absolute shit for having the audacity to message his 'ex' affair partner 2 years after being found out and begging you for forgiveness. His chances have well ran out and you are still trying to think of excuses for his behaviour. I am really sorry though because it is really shit for you and I understand why it's even harder with children in the picture but you will never be able to trust him. Time to get mad and take some power back for yourself. But also be kind to yourself and put you and the kids first.

He really doesn't give a shit about your feelings, does he?

Messaging her is beyond disrespectful. And he's keeping a foot inside her front door for when your guard is lowered.

Agree with PPs. Notwithstanding everything else, it has been two years and he’s still messaging. Scumbag.

His message to her is clearly: I miss you, I still have feelings for you and I would rather be with you but I have made commitments to wife and family. And it’s hard to stick to this commitment. And I’m trying. (Inference being he never had to try with her, his feelings were natural).

What a betraying dick he is OP. That message is another betrayal.

This was my initial instinct too, when I read it 😞 but you always hope there might be another explanation.

If something is really wrong in the primary relationship you should ended or work in those issues, not hide your head under someone else pants. That is just excuses. I' ve been cheated twice in my life, it seems like I don't have good judgement choosing partners, and despite of 20 years between them, both had a very similar pattern finding excuses.
I agree with you in the part that OP knows better is her relationship and is her choice to leave him or continue with him.
Other than that we will agree to disagree.

He shouldn’t be in contact with her at all. He should have deleted her, preferably changed his number and email address and made sure she absolutely can’t get in contact again. He isn’t serious about your family - I am so sorry. You deserve better.

I think most women on the site give men the benefit of the doubt when it comes to loving someone, there will be ow on here who truly believe this man is pining for his ap.
There will also be women who believe their betraying husbands turn over a new leaf and become a reformed character after an affair.

I'm afraid I'm a little more cynical, I think she probably got in touch first and he was placating her, he's basically used her, had no intention of splitting with you but doesn't want trouble from her, hense the sweet words and the effort he's having to go through just to stay with you.
Now do I think he's a reformed character, no, I believe once a man has an affair lasting as long as the one he had I think he's got no empathy, no concience and no integrity.
Would he do it again ? probably would be my bet.

My advice, if you want to stay together, the choice is probably in your hands, he sounds more like the cake eating type and if you're prepared to understand this man has a limited capability of loving then that's about the best you'll get, personally if you pick the staying choice, I would have a fling yourself and tell him after the fact, at least whilst your sitting together on the couch of an evening, thoughts of you writhing arround naked with another man will equal the pain ratio out a bit.

He can really say he's trying then when you stay together for the marriage and kids.

I’m sorry OP 😔

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be especially hard as you have young children, and you were under the impression that you were both working towards fixing your marriage.

But the facts are that he still misses her after two years, and he has contacted her. If it was me, I would save myself having to listen to any more of his bullshit (because thats what you will get if you confront him), and not even bother to mention it. He doesn't deserve a second more of your time.

Then tomorrow, I would contact a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a divorce, and work out a plan for me and the kids moving forward without him - go to citizens advice if you need to. Let him find out what's happening when he receives the divorce papers.

You owe him nothing, he has completely wasted the last two years of your life.

If he was totally committed to you and the family he wouldn't be telling her he really misses her (not even to let her down gently).

He's keeping her 'warm' just in case things with you don't work out; emotionally he's clearly still with her.

You had a feeling for a reason. There must have been some signs, even if they were tiny.

I’m really sorry but it sounds like he’s with you out of duty, not because he wants to be. I think I’d rather be on my own than be with someone who was with me for pity, when they’re actually in love with someone else.

Are you still having counselling? I’d bring it up there. If the therapist asks how things have been, you should say ‘I felt something has been off recently, so I’m very ashamed to say but I checked John’s phone. I’m not proud of this, but I’m glad I did because I saw a very recent message from him to OW.’ And then see how it unfolds.

What I learned is that you can't make a relationship end just by discovering it exists. It has to end because the couple don't want to speak to each other again. When they are found out like that, then you can force them to stop talking for a while but the relationship still exists until they end it.

@Epidote

you're wrong. People have affairs for all kinds of reasons, but feeling entitled to disrespect their partners really isn't one of them.

@BlushTeddy I'd read that like they'd seen each other & he was saying he is trying with you/the family, & he knows he hadn't been perfect (seeing her). That he misses her but he wants to try with you so shouldn't see her again.

it's been two years, I think he WANTS to be 'the family man' & 'do the right thing' (not let his kids down & be seen to be 'not a good husband/dad by his family & friends, but his heart isn't in it.

i think he probably loves you, but isn't IN love with you.

i think it would be better for you to end it on your terms than wait for him to walk out.

in sorry

*I’m really sorry but it sounds like he’s with you out of duty, not
because he wants to be. I think I’d rather be on my own than be with
someone who was with me for pity, when they’re actually in love with
someone else. *

I doubt whether he does really love her, he would have gone 2 years ago if he did, he doesn't love anybody but himself would be my guess, yes he'll still use her if she agrees to put up and shut up but I doubt it's love.

He's a selfish egotistical man.

He had her number, that tells you everything.

If you have ever tried to delete a tel number only to re-enter it over and over again you will know that some numbers are etched on your mind.
And apart from that, it is really hard to erase a number you have previously used regularly completely from a phone.

The very fact that he has had any contact with her at all means he’s not committed to saving your marriage. If she contacted him first then he should have ignored it, or at the very most just sent a one line ‘I love my wife, please do not contact me again, I will be blocking all contact’.

He hasn’t. There is a reason he hasn’t.

So what?! What is he doing talking to her at all?
He's suppose to be putting all his efforts into you.
He isn't.
Open your eyes @BlushTeddy