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Original poster

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:
Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 21:57

Nambypambypoo · 02/11/2023 21:50

I agree, he didn’t love the other woman to leave for her, if at all. But he didn’t love his wife enough to be faithful or start afresh properly and stay away from this OW. This is probably because men like this don’t really love anyone, I don’t believe they are capable of real love, he is most likely only in love with himself.

I agree with this. Men like that don't truly love any one person and I don't believe they are capable of real love either.

Newgreendress · 02/11/2023 21:57

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:56

It was me who put it in bold 😂 sorry should have been clear. But it angered me!

Show quote history

He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I mean this

Louise303 · 02/11/2023 21:58

The fact that he said he was trying and that he still misses her is not letting her down gently. I have seen this before with a friend and I would not be surprised if the affair starts up again. It sounds like he is only staying for the children to still feel like this after two years would be the end of the marriage if it was me.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:59

@Newgreendress ah ok yep I understand!

OP posts:
PetsAreBetter · 02/11/2023 21:59

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 21:54

She could have contacted him. It might have been a special date, she could have heard a song that reminded her of him. You might have just read his reply? You asked why would he bother replying? Because at one stage they had feelings for one another. It doesn't mean he's going to or wants to run back to her. It just means he doesn't dislike her enough to ghost her particularly if she (presuming its now her message) mentioned a memory in her message to him?
You're reading too much into his language and the word 'trying' in particular imo. Its a word people use that is a little gentler than stating he is with you and staying with you......It isn't 'wrong'.

Show quote history

He shouldn't have replied at all. Anyone who has had an affair that is serious about having another go at their marriage needs to completely cut ties with the other person. Change jobs, move neighbourhoods, whatever it takes.

coffy11 · 02/11/2023 22:00

It sounds like he doesn't really want to stay with you but is for whatever reason, not seeing the kids regularly, losing out financially, the shame it would bring when his family find out etc.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 22:01

Louise303 · 02/11/2023 21:58

The fact that he said he was trying and that he still misses her is not letting her down gently. I have seen this before with a friend and I would not be surprised if the affair starts up again. It sounds like he is only staying for the children to still feel like this after two years would be the end of the marriage if it was me.

Yeah well I kind of read the ‘I’m doing my best’ as like… I’m trying to make the best of it… but like he’s struggling, and that just make me feel shit tbh. Let alone the fact he’s even talking to her again.

OP posts:
scrunchie2 · 02/11/2023 22:05

Was it texts on an iPhone?

Delphinium20 · 02/11/2023 22:06

OP, I have a DH who says, almost daily, how much he loves me and how lucky we are to have one another, that I'm his soulmate. I feel the same about him and over time, it's so reassuring and lovely to have this kind of relationship.

You don't have this, but you deserve it. You deserve to be the one and only woman in man's life.

We are in our 50s, but met in our mid-30s, so you have time if you leave him now. You have a right to be mad.

bingbongbang23 · 02/11/2023 22:07

@BlushTeddy, coming from other side. I had affair. I wanted to stay in marriage- also have 3 young kids.

I made a terrible mistake and hurt my husband horrifically. I did a lot of counselling, and spent a long time rebuilding. The issue was me, and I needed to work at repairing. How has your husband been in past few years? How has he responded to the affair? Has he genuinely been trying?

I can understand all the posters saying leave, you deserve better etc. He shouldn't be reaching out to OW, but from the message it doesn't sound like they are in contact/been seeing each other. Can you try and talk to him? Explain how you feel, listen to how hw feels? He has been a shit, and yes, in an ideal world he would never miss her. But, affairs seem ideal because they are based on a lie, there is no drudgery or normal life crap. It's all exciting and easy conversations. I do wonder if he misses her or just misses the ease of it.

And before anyone (everyone) jumps on me, just trying to give an alternative perspective. I would have said I missed OM in the early days. I didn't. Wouldn't be with him now if you paid me. BUT the easiness, that part I definitely did miss, especially when home was hard for a long time (albeit my fault, but still hard)

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/11/2023 22:07

I think your marriage is over and I think it's time to admit it.

tolerable · 02/11/2023 22:11

leopards n spots

StarDolphins · 02/11/2023 22:14

Pointless going to counselling if he’s still think about her & missing her 2 years on. I don’t think he wants to be with you, I think he wants her but is staying for the kids.

You deserve better.

StarDolphins · 02/11/2023 22:17

bingbongbang23 · 02/11/2023 22:07

@BlushTeddy, coming from other side. I had affair. I wanted to stay in marriage- also have 3 young kids.

I made a terrible mistake and hurt my husband horrifically. I did a lot of counselling, and spent a long time rebuilding. The issue was me, and I needed to work at repairing. How has your husband been in past few years? How has he responded to the affair? Has he genuinely been trying?

I can understand all the posters saying leave, you deserve better etc. He shouldn't be reaching out to OW, but from the message it doesn't sound like they are in contact/been seeing each other. Can you try and talk to him? Explain how you feel, listen to how hw feels? He has been a shit, and yes, in an ideal world he would never miss her. But, affairs seem ideal because they are based on a lie, there is no drudgery or normal life crap. It's all exciting and easy conversations. I do wonder if he misses her or just misses the ease of it.

And before anyone (everyone) jumps on me, just trying to give an alternative perspective. I would have said I missed OM in the early days. I didn't. Wouldn't be with him now if you paid me. BUT the easiness, that part I definitely did miss, especially when home was hard for a long time (albeit my fault, but still hard)

But would you class 2 years on as early days? He was seeing the OW for a year, then 2 years later he’s still thinking about her & texting her that he really misses her & a whole lot of ‘trying’. It’s more like a 3 year affair.

Mumof3confused · 02/11/2023 22:22

Were you under the impression that they had cut contact? If so, the message alone (whatever it says) is another betrayal.

He tells her he misses her. This is leading her on. He should be very clear with her that he’s not available in any way. His loyalties should be with you.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 22:22

He shouldn't have replied at all. Anyone who has had an affair that is serious about having another go at their marriage needs to completely cut ties with the other person. Change jobs, move neighbourhoods, whatever it takes.

Moving house doesn't end an affair/emotional affair.

LittleGlowingOblong · 02/11/2023 22:26

It’s a bad sign that he deleted the original
message he’s replying to.

a) it contained something compromising and b) he’s still has the mindset of being secretive and covering tracks

Good luck OP.

PetsAreBetter · 02/11/2023 22:28

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 22:22

He shouldn't have replied at all. Anyone who has had an affair that is serious about having another go at their marriage needs to completely cut ties with the other person. Change jobs, move neighbourhoods, whatever it takes.

Moving house doesn't end an affair/emotional affair.

No but if you bump into them in the local area, moving across town at least eliminates that. If he still carries on after that, then bye.

Optionyougot · 02/11/2023 22:28

I'm sorry OP. Two years on this doesn't sound like a "letting her down gently" message. She'd have gotten that during the two years of no contact.

It sounds like he may keep sporadically in touch as though she is a back up option should your reconciliation not work.

You can either address it with him and try to have a discussion, ignore it or take the fact that he's in contact at all as a sign it's over but I'd urge you to put yourself first in whatever you decide. He's not deserving of your consideration.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 22:30

Mumof3confused · 02/11/2023 22:22

Were you under the impression that they had cut contact? If so, the message alone (whatever it says) is another betrayal.

He tells her he misses her. This is leading her on. He should be very clear with her that he’s not available in any way. His loyalties should be with you.

Edited

Yes I had no idea, especially as it’s been two years.

the fact he didn’t do as you’ve said shows to me that he has some uncertainty about our situation. Otherwise as other posters have said, why even reply. He shouldn’t have any loyalty to her after so long and there’s nothing even to say she feels the same way. I have very little information.

OP posts:
PetsAreBetter · 02/11/2023 22:30

bingbongbang23 · 02/11/2023 22:07

@BlushTeddy, coming from other side. I had affair. I wanted to stay in marriage- also have 3 young kids.

I made a terrible mistake and hurt my husband horrifically. I did a lot of counselling, and spent a long time rebuilding. The issue was me, and I needed to work at repairing. How has your husband been in past few years? How has he responded to the affair? Has he genuinely been trying?

I can understand all the posters saying leave, you deserve better etc. He shouldn't be reaching out to OW, but from the message it doesn't sound like they are in contact/been seeing each other. Can you try and talk to him? Explain how you feel, listen to how hw feels? He has been a shit, and yes, in an ideal world he would never miss her. But, affairs seem ideal because they are based on a lie, there is no drudgery or normal life crap. It's all exciting and easy conversations. I do wonder if he misses her or just misses the ease of it.

And before anyone (everyone) jumps on me, just trying to give an alternative perspective. I would have said I missed OM in the early days. I didn't. Wouldn't be with him now if you paid me. BUT the easiness, that part I definitely did miss, especially when home was hard for a long time (albeit my fault, but still hard)

My mother always said, if you love someone, you don't make those kind of mistakes.

Even if you do make those kind of mistakes, the horror of what you could lose, if you want to keep your family, should be enough to scare you into running from anything to do with the affair. If not, it shows that your heart is still divided and I deserve better than that.

TeaGinandFags · 02/11/2023 22:34

He msy not be able to delete AND blovk, but he could chznge his number.

This man likes his bread buttered both sides. Time he went fat free.

bingbongbang23 · 02/11/2023 22:34

@PetsAreBetter , your mother nor you have any idea of my marriage. I loved my husbad, the affair was to do with failings on my part- not how I felt about him. Not everyone who has an affair does not love their family (although it is the case for many I am sure)

Anyways, was simply trying to offer a viewpoint from other side

PetsAreBetter · 02/11/2023 22:36

bingbongbang23 · 02/11/2023 22:34

@PetsAreBetter , your mother nor you have any idea of my marriage. I loved my husbad, the affair was to do with failings on my part- not how I felt about him. Not everyone who has an affair does not love their family (although it is the case for many I am sure)

Anyways, was simply trying to offer a viewpoint from other side

No judgement, I understand that marriage can be a lonely place at times and how easy it could be to fall into the arms of someone who gives you the connection you're not finding in your marriage. It would be a deal breaker for me is all. I would never hurt my husband like that so, if he is willing to do that to me, he can go.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 22:38

Even if you do make those kind of mistakes, the horror of what you could lose, if you want to keep your family, should be enough to scare you into running from anything to do with the affair. If not, it shows that your heart is still divided and I deserve better than that

It seems idealistic. There are different types of affairs. Seeking out physical touch for example if you don't have any in your marriage. Or worse imo finding an emotional connection with someone else.

But in other ways you are right. Most people have affairs with little thought for the person they are supposedly committed to or the person they are having an affair with. They merely suit themselves.