His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

I really do feel for you, and i honestly think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop trying to understand how he feels and thinks, or what his motivations are.

He's just a shit, and he doesn't deserve you.

Focus instead on what you are going to do next, and make a plan. Think about what you want out of life.

I agree.

She clearly didn’t read the message as OP’s H still having feelings for her. And this is why she angrily blocked him.

We only have the liar's word that she's blocked him. Liars gonna lie. He presumably told OP that he previously blocked the OW, but he hadn't- or he unblocked.

And 'she's blocked me on everything now anyway' doesn't really make it any better in some ways.

@BlushTeddy , am sorry to read the update isn't more positive.

You could tie yourself in knots trying to understand the why of it all, and who said what first, but I don't think it changes the fact that she is still on his mind and he has lied again. That said, he intends to stay in marriage and continue to work on it. I have to believe if he wanted to leave he would have by now- it's crazy after two years!

However, the above and majority of the the thread is all about your husband. In your shoes, I would take his wants/needs out of the equation and decide what it is that you want, what the future is that would make you feel happiest. There is no right or wrong answer, but make it about you. You deserve that.

All the best x

@beatrix1234

"I believe everyone is a victim in this story -in some shape or form-."

What have I just read? In what universe could this cheating man be considered a victim?😮😵

I'm so sorry, but your marriage is over. It's up to you if you can stay in a 'friendship for the sake of the kids situation ' or not.
It's shit but there is literally no point in delusion anymore - it will only hurt you more in the long wrong.
Make your peace with him not loving you that way or leave. Sorry Op it's shit.

If he was really working on his marriage he should have told you the second he received that message and you should have been part of the response/what happens next. But instead he lied and tried to cover his tracks and now he's down playing it. He hasn't changed at all.

No actually.
OPs marriage is NOT over until SHE decides it is.
Enough on this thread now about his needs, wants and motivations.
OP take all your time, think what is best for YOU and your children and don't feel you need to make quick, knee jerk reaction decisions.
This is your real life.
The people on here are not your family and won't be around in ten years time. We are only here to give opinions, advice, some good some not so.
Take time, if coming on here is useful great, you will get loads of practical advice. Just centre YOU now and what YOU feel and need.xx

Yes I agree. Presumably he didn’t want to confess to asking after her or why it had all happened as it kind of gives his feelings away.

I’m taking some time to think but my instinct is we’re probably flogging a dead horse here.

You have to prepare that if you do split up he will end up with her. My ex had an EA and for 3 years after kept telling me it was never like that, nothing would have happened, he doesnt fancy her. I never believed that as i knew he fancied her and would have gone further if he had the time (i busted him and the EA)

6 weeks after moving out he moved in with her. I feel those 3 years were a lie and he was only with me as he was too scared to leave. We split as i had enough of him and made him move out.

I reconcile it by knowing that those 3 years i wanted to be with him so it wasnt for nothing but i wish he had the balls to leave at the time as i would be 3 years down the line. It feels like it was a waste of 3 years when we could have moved on.

I suppose it depends on the person he was talking to, did they know about the affair, or did they know nothing, maybe it would have been odd not to mention her to the friend or enquire about her wellbeing.

That's what people do, ask about others in conversation, completely normal, why on earth she had to contact him because he was enquiring about her does seem like an excuse to open the communication back up.

You can't police other people's conversations, I think she still likes him and your h tried to shut her down, that would be something I would have had to consider.
Maybe, god forbid, he is telling the truth about this particular scenario.

He still said he missed her though so it doesn't matter what else he said, he made op sound like a chore (sorry op, going through similar myself except he's now left and living with her) . That logic doesn't make sense

Nah, she broke the no contact rule, lowered her pride and went all "how very dare you talk about me", fake offence so she could make contact.

If he cared he would have initiated contact first, maybe he did.

She would have been in anger mode contacting him first with the fake offence, so no wonder he pacified her to calm her down.

She's been discarded, that dints pride, he had to throw her some words of comfort.

Either way op, he's made some bad choices but if reconcilliation is what you are trying to achieve maybe in this instance he may not have been the instigator.

It sounds to me as if he doesn't want to upset the OW.

He might not miss her at all but he just says that he does to make her feel better about the situation.

I know of a woman who has lost a lot of weight after the MM she had been seeing ended it. The last I saw of her three months ago she looked like she was about a size 6. Could something like this have happened, he's aware of it, and he asked after her because of that?

We literally know nothing about this woman so all of that is assumption and I say that as some one in the op position

It’s quite common for cheats to feel guilty towards their treatment of the OW without it meaning they still care for them. It can be pacification to stop them
getting angry and retaliating, or just lying to her out of guilt rather than be hurtful with the truth that it’s over and they just used them.
Either route is selfish, and only serves the cheat. Far better to come clean and tell the wife about the contact than be found out, their attempts at mollifying the OW to get her to fade away again can look like they still care.
The difficulty is that OP will find it hard to discern the truth when trust is so fragile. Husband and OW should respect the decision made and block one another. For all we know the friend may have told the husband he saw OW the other day and the husband just said he hoped she was ok. Friend could have told OW that husband was asking about her without saying that they mentioned her to him. Nobody knows what actually happened.

I'd suggest you go with your knee-jerk reaction. You know yourself well enough to know if your instinct is right - trust that. Also value yourself. You've not done the 'pick me' dance and nor should you.
You are a person who has value and deserves to be valued too.
I know it's absolute shit going through it, especially if you have DC. A journal can be helpful (but make damn sure DC can't find it) as a way to let out your feelings. Rely on friends / family too. I remember feeling shame about the breakdown of my marriage- until the day when I realised it wasn't my shame. It didn't stop me feeling hurt, but it gave me the fuel to be able to carry on and make a good life for myself and my DC.

@Thewookiemustgo

'It’s quite common for cheats to feel guilty towards their treatment of the OW without it meaning they still care for them. It can be pacification to stop them getting angry and retaliating, or just lying to her out of guilt rather than be hurtful with the truth that it’s over and they just used them.'

Very astute and sadly how my OH explained it to me when I questioned why he was having such trouble just ending contact totally. I had felt it was either he cared more than admitting or was still trying to preserve to OW, his Mr. Nice guy, martyr to his wife and family image after so much future faking with her. Luckily it was the latter and within days she was blocked. I had access to his phone and location monitoring and absolute transparency from him to help with starting to reconcile. He later admitted that he was also wary of ending the affair abruptly as she was rather unstable due to alcohol dependency and had threatened to contact his work as he broke lockdown rules to see her on a few occasions. I know this to be true as she harassed me with emails before I could block her, claiming amongst other things, that they had been 'in a bubble' at the time. 🙄

OP. I've not read the whole thread, sorry, but I have a similar experience.

The situation is he loves the OW and feels guilty about you and his family. There's no point being angry. But this is not an acceptable compromise for you.

It's going to be so much better for you in the long run to be free to find someone who wants you. You can maintain a civil relationship if he's a good dad, but don't waste your life on him.

How ridiculous. You're just making things up now. This isn't a tv show.

@RantyAnty

Agree, some people do spout some shit.

A lot of speculation here about the OW.

whilst it’s tempting to lay all the blame at her feet to make it easier (and in a lot of ways I really wish I could!) that’s just not the gut feeling I’m getting. From the message and what he’s said, it feels very much like he hasn’t been able to let go or help himself from looking her up / asking after her. He’s been confronted about it. Tried to reiterate he’s ‘trying to commit to his decision and sorry he hasn’t been perfect’. Like it’s so hard for him and he’s messed up. But he had to explain why he was doing it so that’s why he confessed he still misses her.

also bearing in mind I only have his word for the mutual friend story. He could have been doing any number of things that indicated he still had an interest. And I think he must have done something, which explains the comment about not being perfect. But he lies. So there we are!

and then she’s probably gotten pissed off because it’s been nearly two years and understandably, been like what the fuck are you doing, because it is actually unfair on everyone.

I do think she has blocked him as he was trying to tell me that to pacify me, but she wouldn’t do that unless she thought he might contact her again, not after this long. So that isn’t great. Like why wasn’t HE the one to block?

anyway that’s the feeling I get. I don’t think there’s any other conclusion and fundamentally he is still a liar and still being weak. The reconciliation has been false. So it’s just where to go from here.

He's a liar. He proved himself to be a spectacular liar when he was having the affair. He's not changed and he's still lying to you now. That's really what you need to focus on. He was given his second chance and he has betrayed you again. Everything else is just fluff and details around that fundamental fact.