His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

@BlushTeddy

I think you ate massively triggered and it’s
the memory of pain that is making you overanalyse every works he said, and how he said it.

He didn’t ‘instigate’ OW messaging. He asked joint acquaintance how she was. Not sure why you’d expect him not to wonder. He is a human with human emotions. And you’d not expect him to robotically turn off it all - just because it’s been two years.

BUT - just because he asked how she was -does NOT mean your H wishes he were there with her. In reality - he probably wishes he never got into this complex and painful place.

OW didn’t need to message in this instance. She could have as easily asked the same person how your H was.
OW - in my opinion - was looking for an ego boost.

The overanalysing why he decided to stay is not useful. He wasn’t being interrogated for the record. Expressing feelings is hard and requires a really deep self refection and articulation. And the fact is - no matter what words he would have used - you mind would have twisted them to support your fears.

Why on earth is anyone giving this sparkly turd the benefit of the doubt?

Because life is complicated. Life with small kids os even more complicated and relationships suffer.
Because people are not perfect. And make mistakes and escapism happens too.

Mostly - because we aren’t living OP’s life.
Affair recovery isn’t easy. It’s easier to just leave. Rebuilding a relationship takes so much courage and effort.

And because - there are three little kids. It’s not only about the adult drama.

@MMmomDD No one should stay with someone who is only with them out of duty!
Waking up everyday knowing they don't want to be there but are duty bound.
Horrendously soulless existence

@grayhairdontcare

None of us are in the other person’s head. OP is scared to believe her H - so she is assuming and jumping to the worst conclusion based on word usage. And that is because in a strange way - it feels less scary for her….

As to the nature of marriage… Any marriage,
not this specific marriage, or this specific situation - I think the fairy tale romantic notion of why people marry and stay together isn’t doing us all a great favour.

It’s not easy to stay in a marriage out of duty only. By OP’s description - her H is not that.
It does sounds like he is genuinely making an effort - in counselling, etc.

I don’t know what their relationship had been like prior to the affair. What issues they have.
What they need to fix.

I do also know that three kids in quick succession challenge any relationship.
And of course - duty does come into any marriage.
When adults decide to bring in kids into this
world - they take on responsibility for them. And it does mean - that some amount of sacrifice and duty comes into our lives.

Of course - part of what keeps a longer marriage with kids - is a combination of emotion, companionship and duty. Marriages can’t be sustained on romantic love alone.

Crikey. Trying to live up to his vows eh? Not a big ask is it?

All you’ve got to do is not shag anyone else.

@MMmomDD marriage is most definitely not all romance but a good marriage is not built on affairs and duty.
Children deserve happy parents.

@grayhairdontcare

I don’t see many couples around me - in their 40s; with kids; going through daily grind; facing getting older and more years of grind -
looking around and wondering if they are happy.
They mostly chug along because of habit and duty. And because it’s what people do - get married, raise kids, work hard.

Duty IS big reason why people don't just chase excitement and constant rush of ‘happiness’.

@MMmomDD I've been with dp for 35 years. I'm not here out of duty. I'm her because we have love , respect and happiness.
Day to day life is a grind but if the ops husband had time for a 2 year affair then he just didn't respect or value her and he certainly wasn't/isn't happy.
She deserves better

But now everything is in doubt,how can you believe s single thing?
HE SAYS.. X, Y, Z , but
Has he had contact all along?
Has he got down her number as "Richard"?
Has she really blocked him?
Has he got a 2nd phone at work?
A secret email address?
2 years is enough guessing

@RandomForest I didn’t say you necessarily get it, most people don’t. I said everyone needs it.

The truth isn’t the same for every affair, not everyone who cheats is incapable of love, but many are.

You can never be sure of anyone, whether they’ve cheated before or not. All those who cheat are faithful until they’re not. Some go on to cheat again, some don’t.

I agree that it’s hard to come by though.

The chances of any marriage surviving, if that’s what both parties want, increase exponentially when everyone is honest. That’s all I meant.

He finally admitted it was because he’d been asking after her via a mutual friend and she’d found out and confronted him about it.

I’d be tempted to ask the mutual friend what was said. a simple ‘how’s she doing’ would unlikely prompt friend to speak to OW and then email from OW.

He then said again he’d made the decision to stay and that was what he was doing, and what he told her.

You’ve seen the message. He was at least trying to open the door for her with his ‘I’m trying’ and ‘I miss you’. He’s been very sneaky, and he knew it because he was deleting the evidence.

He seems to think just because nothing physical has happened this time it’s not a big deal.

It’s the emotional side of an affair that hurts the most. He is gaslighting you into believing that you are imagining things or blowing things out of proportion. How dare he minimise your feelings.

And how he actually feels doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s hiding it well enough.

How he feels is the most important part. If his heart is not in it and he genuinely loves and cherishes you, he’s wasting your precious time on this earth.

Says that she’s blocked him on everything now anyway so no need for me to worry on that front! apparently!

So because she’s not about to take him from you, you should be happy. Does he nog understand that him pining for her is the worst bit, whether he stays or goes.

Potentially explains why he’s been so distant, preoccupied, and miserable.

This is hugely telling.

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.

OW has blocked him so she clearly thinks that OP's husband he will try to contact her again. And how would he know he was blocked unless he had tried to?

@DoubleTime

You are making an assumption here though.
An equally plausible assumption could go like that OW didn’t like OP H’s response and told him she is blocking him.

She really didn’t need to email him. I think she used the excuse that he asked someone how he was and sent out some feelers. Maybe she wanted to reconnect and hoped did as well. She got no validation - or hope.
So - blocked him.

Doesn’t really change the fact he was asking after her and telling her he missed her though.

like, he instigated it. Maybe she had hope for something or not, but really it was him first.

Yes, you wouldn't block someone you thought wasn't going to contact you anyway and if they hadn't contacted you in 2 years and had only asked a mutual acquaintance how you were.

Based on what he's told you (and bear in mind that he'll tell you the story which he believes is lest damaging to him, so his version is the best case scenario...) - after 2 years he's still thinking about here, so much so that he's contacted a mutual friend to ask after her. When she's got in touch he's then told her he misses her, and that he's still with you but only to 'try' to keep his commitment to you. ie he isn't truly happy with you. He's either angling to rekindle their affair, or he's checking if it's still an option for the future.

You deserve better,

I agree with this, not that I'm defending him, but I think the desperation is coming from her more than him.

There was no need to contact him, she used the asking about her to a friend as a excuse to get in touch and was rebuffed with words to pacify her.

Agree with both possible scenarios discussed here, it could be either.
However I feel it’s a bit of a moot point, poor OP will find it very hard to trust whether “I only said it to pacify her because I felt guilty about using her / I was worried she’d cause trouble” even if that’s got any possibility of being true. Cheats don’t realise the damage they do eroding trust pulling stunts like this after promising to reconcile and saying that all they want is their married life back with their spouse. I don’t think I’d ever trust him again after this, I’m so, so sorry OP. X

In OP's update, he told OP that she didn't need to worry about him contacting OW because she had blocked him on everything anyway. He didn't tell OP that he wasn't even considering doing so, he said it was because OW had blocked him. So an 'I couldn't even if I wanted to' lame reassurance for OP, and he didn't see what was wrong with what he had just said.

I really don’t see how it’s the OW who has definitively displayed any ‘desperation’ here. OP’s DH was asking after her. She obviously contacted him for whatever reason. Maybe to understandably ask why and possibly
highlighted that it was probably confusing this amount of time later. He said he missed her but nothing had changed essentially in terms of his ‘decision’, but he obviously still has feelings. And then the OW blocked him, if he is to be believed.

not sure how there’s any other conclusion apart from the OP’s DH being a dick. But we don’t know anything for sure about what was said.

I'm sorry but I just think you need to separate.
No matter how much you try to analyse it, how could you ever trust him?

True. He was the instigator in this. He was asking around about her. He didn't block her.

He's been a liar and still lied to you about this so it's very likely he is still lying about it but doing his best to make himself look good.
It's hard to say how many messages were exchanged as he deleted them all but that one.

@TheRealLilyMunster this is the only conclusion I can draw too 😞 been doing mental gymnastics over it for days.

@Pickle991

OW wasn’t confused about why he’d asked a joint acquaintance how she was. If he is not a psychopath - he knows he has hurt her (as well as his W, of course). And they had a connection. Only a very cruel person would just move on and not wonder how the other person has got on.

We don’t know the circumstances of how it happened. What was asked and how. Chance meeting or H going out of his way. Etc.
That person who was asked - really should not have passed it on.

And OW should not have taken it as an excuse to try again.
She clearly didn’t read the message as OP’s H still having feelings for her. And this is why she angrily blocked him.