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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:
Cosywintertime · 04/11/2023 13:42

FairyMaclary · 04/11/2023 13:36

@Cosywintertime The op has been duped and I hope she is as well as she can be. I hope she finds happiness in life going forwarded.

However anyone choosing to get involved with a married man (or woman) who is lying to his wife /husband has not been duped. They enter the relationship with the married person knowing he (or she) is a proven liar. They have the facts in front of them and enough evidence to know he is a liar. Why wouldn’t he lie to the ow too if it suits him?

If the OW was not aware he was married at all and had been duped into thinking he was single I would have every sympathy for her. But no if you are daft enough to willingly get involved with a married person I have no sympathy if it goes wrong. If the man says to the other woman ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ you know he’s married - so you haven’t been duped. He’s told you he’s a liar.

Cheating can cause ptsd in a betrayed spouse. Some betrayed spouses end up on antidepressants or suicidal due to the impact of their cheating spouses. They are the victims. A woman (or man) making an informed decision to believe ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me’ knows exactly what they are getting - someone who is prepared to betray their family, deceive, lie and cheat for their own gain.

I really doubt he said my wife didn’t understand me, using old tropes doesn’t help your arguments credibility. We all know full well men can be very convincing. The marriage is over. We just share the house due to finances. I am there for the kids . I’ve told her it’s over.

you don’t know what he said. Laughing at a woman getting hurt, believing a lie, isn’t pleasant.

Riverlee · 04/11/2023 13:46

Unless he had heard that she was seriously ill, then there’s no reason to be asking after her. He initiated the contact, not her.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 04/11/2023 13:50

Cosywintertime · 04/11/2023 13:42

I really doubt he said my wife didn’t understand me, using old tropes doesn’t help your arguments credibility. We all know full well men can be very convincing. The marriage is over. We just share the house due to finances. I am there for the kids . I’ve told her it’s over.

you don’t know what he said. Laughing at a woman getting hurt, believing a lie, isn’t pleasant.

They’re all cliches. What does it matter what he said? She knew he was married.

If a woman is interested in a man who lives with his wife and child(ren), the correct response to any of these lies is “don’t contact me again until your divorce is finalised” surely?

beatrix1234 · 04/11/2023 13:55

@Didsomeonesaydogs If a woman is interested in a man who lives with his wife and child(ren), the correct response to any of these lies is “don’t contact me again until your divorce is finalised” surely?

Unless you have the self esteem of a mosquito or some psychopathic traits and have no issues destroying families. There's people for everything.

Thewookiemustgo · 04/11/2023 13:59

OW who knowingly go ahead with a relationship with a married man know what they’re getting into. If they know he’s married, they know what they’re doing and the choices they’re making, nobody forced them to, they are in possession of the facts re his relationship status, they can say no as well as yes. They have full advantage over the betrayed partner, they already know that the married man is a liar, he’s lying to his wife to he with her.
If they choose to continue with this, choose to believe every word their proven liar says, have the option of leaving the “relationship” at any time, they are no victim. Ever. They know the risks, but choose to pursue it. No victim there.

LittleGlowingOblong · 04/11/2023 14:08

I don’t know.

He’s still with you, standing by you. Actions speak louder than words? I hope there’s still something there for you to save and restore x

beatrix1234 · 04/11/2023 14:23

LittleGlowingOblong · 04/11/2023 14:08

I don’t know.

He’s still with you, standing by you. Actions speak louder than words? I hope there’s still something there for you to save and restore x

Sure, but having a guy staying with you because of a "sense of duty" (not because he loves you or enjoys being with you) while he texts other women telling them how much he misses them? is that what you would want for yourself? Then of course everyone is different and money & family stability trumps love for many folk. Personally I want a partner to stay with me for love, not for money or sense of duty. Horses for courses I guess?

porridgeisbae · 04/11/2023 14:30

If a woman is interested in a man who lives with his wife and child(ren), the correct response to any of these lies is “don’t contact me again until your divorce is finalised” surely?

No, it would just to be to stick to guys who are already single, rather than encouraging a married guy to leave his wife, giving him an extra potential incentive that he might get to date/shag her if he does.

pearshapedmim · 04/11/2023 14:34

LittleGlowingOblong · 04/11/2023 14:08

I don’t know.

He’s still with you, standing by you. Actions speak louder than words? I hope there’s still something there for you to save and restore x

You are right that actions speak louder than words. Exactly right. His actions are shit.

Deargodletitgo · 04/11/2023 14:38

Having been a OW I can tell you how this would have gone.

It probably started with him staying he was already on the verge of leaving , just trying to find the right time to tell you and get things sorted for kids.

Then you found out (if that was the case), it wasn't in mine, and he said I can't do this to the kids, I have to try to make it work to be the man I think I am, honourable etc etc, and I'll stay with her even though it's not what I want, but I have to find to make my life bearable.

And the OW would have agreed, and let him go, not contacted him,moved on.

But then she hears he's asking about her, or in my case he started messaging again. Just to check up on her, make sure she's ok...

And she's like, why? You made your choice, no, move on, own the life you feel you had to be some sort of martyr to. And he's sulking he's not getting what he got from the affair any more, and the OW realises he was never going to be the kind of man she'd want anyway, and pity the wife who doesn't understand he sees himself as a Martyr for staying with.

And then, if he's like the married man I know, in a year or so he'll start an affair with someone new.

FairyMaclary · 04/11/2023 14:40

A woman who knows that the man she is flirting with is married has a lot of knowledge to make an informed decision about his character.

He is a proven cheat.
Liar.
Prepared to hide things from public view.
Lacks integrity.
Prepared to steal others agency.
Prepared to steal other peoples time - unforgivable.
Prepared to put his wants over his family’s need for safety and security.
Prepared to risk his children’s mothers sexual health (unforgivable).
Believes he deserves more than his wife from life.
Able to compartmentalise.

Yet with this evidence she is prepared to sleep with him/have an EA. How can she believe his words?

He stood up in front of his friends and family and willingly made vows. He told them he is faithful, committed and wants monogamy. Yet the OW thinks he will tell her the truth to her. Why on earth wouldn’t he lie to the OW to get her into bed or to get her to blow smoke up his arse?

He may say nice words to the ow (or not so nice words about his wife) or spin a yarn but the evidence is pretty damning that his words, however convincing they are, are absolute rubbish for his own gain.

So I have no sympathy that when another woman has that list of evidence they still fall for his ‘I’m only with her for the kids’ or ‘I’ve told her it’s over’ or ‘we sleep in seperate beds’. (Surely they are all just as cliched as my wife doesn’t understand me).

If the ow thought he was single, living alone etc I would have full sympathy as he is a fraudster. But choosing to put yourself in this situation is very different to being duped.

YerArseInParsley · 04/11/2023 14:49

BlushTeddy · 04/11/2023 11:54

Yes she messaged but seems like he instigated. Pathetic.

why do you think there’s been other contact if she’s now blocked him?

and yes as I said I had a gut feeling because been distant and emotionally checked out more. It reminded me of how I felt before DDay. Very subtle, but I just felt something was off.

and no, thinking about about it, he definitely didn’t say he wanted to be with me. He said he had made his decision. He might have said he wanted to be here ‘with us’. But good point 😞

why do you think there’s been other contact if she’s now blocked him?

Just the way it was put, like you don't need to worry she's blocked me on everything. Sounds like he's tried to contact her in other ways. But even saying don't worry she's blocked me on everything sounds like he's saying he would make contact if he wanted too and the only reason I'm not is because I can't. Does it make sense what I've said? I don't know if I've put it across clearly.
**

Gcsunnyside23 · 04/11/2023 14:50

BlushTeddy · 04/11/2023 11:54

Yes she messaged but seems like he instigated. Pathetic.

why do you think there’s been other contact if she’s now blocked him?

and yes as I said I had a gut feeling because been distant and emotionally checked out more. It reminded me of how I felt before DDay. Very subtle, but I just felt something was off.

and no, thinking about about it, he definitely didn’t say he wanted to be with me. He said he had made his decision. He might have said he wanted to be here ‘with us’. But good point 😞

I think there's been more attempts at contact also. How else would he know if he has been blocked on everything? Also had he not said he blocked her previously, how was she able to message him? I think he's bluffing and he may have instigated communication
Either way you deserve better, you deserve to be with someone who is with you because they want/need to be and not out of duty.
At least you can look back and say you tried your best but it's time for you to put yourself first

ForfarBridie · 04/11/2023 14:52

OP, I think the fact you went looking because of a hunch you had is what’s important here and says more about your marriage than anything else. You wouldn’t have had a ‘hunch’ if things had been going well.

YerArseInParsley · 04/11/2023 14:54

Just to be clear, I'm not saying there's been other contact since she blocked him I mean contact before she blocked him. If he's saying she blocked him on everything it means she's either told him she's blocking him on everything or he's tried to make contact and he's realised she's blocked him on everything, either way there's been more contact than that email you found as all the email said is he made his decision so there must be other messaged he's deleted of she's told him she's blocking him or was it a phonecall?🤷‍♀️

rainbowstardrops · 04/11/2023 14:57

Firstly, I'm really sorry that your husband has betrayed you yet again.

If he was truly sorry for the affair then he'd cut all contact with her and throw himself wholeheartedly into salvaging his marriage and family. He hasn't done that.

Instead, he's been in contact with her, told her he still misses her and he's 'trying'.

I'm sorry but to me, that's yet another betrayal.

You knew something was off the first time and you knew something was off this time.

It's convenient for him to 'try' to fulfil his marriage vows. He gets sex presumably, gets to see his children, probably has his meals cooked and laundry done etc etc etc.
Better than the alternative of having to do it all himself, have the kids by himself, have to pay CM.

I don't usually like the LTB threads but blimey, I'd never trust him for a second ever again!

rainbowstardrops · 04/11/2023 15:01

Deargodletitgo · 04/11/2023 14:38

Having been a OW I can tell you how this would have gone.

It probably started with him staying he was already on the verge of leaving , just trying to find the right time to tell you and get things sorted for kids.

Then you found out (if that was the case), it wasn't in mine, and he said I can't do this to the kids, I have to try to make it work to be the man I think I am, honourable etc etc, and I'll stay with her even though it's not what I want, but I have to find to make my life bearable.

And the OW would have agreed, and let him go, not contacted him,moved on.

But then she hears he's asking about her, or in my case he started messaging again. Just to check up on her, make sure she's ok...

And she's like, why? You made your choice, no, move on, own the life you feel you had to be some sort of martyr to. And he's sulking he's not getting what he got from the affair any more, and the OW realises he was never going to be the kind of man she'd want anyway, and pity the wife who doesn't understand he sees himself as a Martyr for staying with.

And then, if he's like the married man I know, in a year or so he'll start an affair with someone new.

I would hazard a guess that this isn't too far off the mark sadly.

grayhairdontcare · 04/11/2023 15:25

Marriage is about love .
He is staying out of duty!
Op please pick your self respect up of the floor and tell him to piss off !

RandomForest · 04/11/2023 15:29

Deargodletitgo · 04/11/2023 14:38

Having been a OW I can tell you how this would have gone.

It probably started with him staying he was already on the verge of leaving , just trying to find the right time to tell you and get things sorted for kids.

Then you found out (if that was the case), it wasn't in mine, and he said I can't do this to the kids, I have to try to make it work to be the man I think I am, honourable etc etc, and I'll stay with her even though it's not what I want, but I have to find to make my life bearable.

And the OW would have agreed, and let him go, not contacted him,moved on.

But then she hears he's asking about her, or in my case he started messaging again. Just to check up on her, make sure she's ok...

And she's like, why? You made your choice, no, move on, own the life you feel you had to be some sort of martyr to. And he's sulking he's not getting what he got from the affair any more, and the OW realises he was never going to be the kind of man she'd want anyway, and pity the wife who doesn't understand he sees himself as a Martyr for staying with.

And then, if he's like the married man I know, in a year or so he'll start an affair with someone new.

Yes I would say this is probably quite near to the facts.

He's staying, the ow knows the choice he made, she must have been gutted, regardless of how much she believed his feelings. Have you asked what the ow was talking about to mutual friends for him to contact her ?

Maybe she was actually the one who contacted him and he's covering for her, it happens, ow when rejected can become very depressed, emotional and irrational for years after the event, maybe their own lives were screwed up because they put their faith into starting a new life with someone they thought they could trust. Some ow need managing, their mental health can plummit, rightly or wrongly, they are capable of being revengeful.

Two years is a while, I think he's probably over her, if he were to pine for two years he would have left his wife I think at the time, unless he's now up for some extra again but I would put money on him going for a different ow, men know they can only push it so far with the ow if she has a shred of dignity.

I don't believe he loves this one, he loves himself, he's happy with the fact two women are unhappy and he has destroyed their lives.

He will find a new one, he's done it once, he'll do it again, start from scratch with a new guilible victim, probably younger than the one he's had, that's the usual pattern for these unfaithful types, it's usually only age and health that stops them eventually.

You sound very calm op, have you decided what you want, regardless of what happens I don't this this particular ow holds much power over him, it looks like he used her and backed off/dumped her when the shit hit the fan, I reckon she's got to the two year mark and her life is in tatters and is angry for making foolish choices but is blaming him, maybe she is telling others now how badly she was treated and maybe he is managing the smear campaign and his reputation.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/11/2023 16:21

I’ve read your updates

sadly sounds like the final death knell

who the fuck wants to be married to someone who is sadly pining another woman

I’m really sorry 😞 but I do think getting yourself out of this will be SO much better in a while
not easy and very painful
but better long term

YerArseInParsley · 04/11/2023 16:59

RandomForest · 04/11/2023 15:29

Yes I would say this is probably quite near to the facts.

He's staying, the ow knows the choice he made, she must have been gutted, regardless of how much she believed his feelings. Have you asked what the ow was talking about to mutual friends for him to contact her ?

Maybe she was actually the one who contacted him and he's covering for her, it happens, ow when rejected can become very depressed, emotional and irrational for years after the event, maybe their own lives were screwed up because they put their faith into starting a new life with someone they thought they could trust. Some ow need managing, their mental health can plummit, rightly or wrongly, they are capable of being revengeful.

Two years is a while, I think he's probably over her, if he were to pine for two years he would have left his wife I think at the time, unless he's now up for some extra again but I would put money on him going for a different ow, men know they can only push it so far with the ow if she has a shred of dignity.

I don't believe he loves this one, he loves himself, he's happy with the fact two women are unhappy and he has destroyed their lives.

He will find a new one, he's done it once, he'll do it again, start from scratch with a new guilible victim, probably younger than the one he's had, that's the usual pattern for these unfaithful types, it's usually only age and health that stops them eventually.

You sound very calm op, have you decided what you want, regardless of what happens I don't this this particular ow holds much power over him, it looks like he used her and backed off/dumped her when the shit hit the fan, I reckon she's got to the two year mark and her life is in tatters and is angry for making foolish choices but is blaming him, maybe she is telling others now how badly she was treated and maybe he is managing the smear campaign and his reputation.

Really? It's all the other woman being vengeful and he's covering for her and doesn't have feelings for her?

Did you miss the part where he said he misses her, where op says she knows somethings up, he's agreed to stay in the marriage and he's 'trying'? He's certainly trying!!

I'm just wondering why you are laying the blame at the ow feet?

YerArseInParsley · 04/11/2023 17:00

And it was him talking to a mutual friend about her not the other way round.

RandomForest · 04/11/2023 17:20

I'm just wondering why you are laying the blame at the ow feet?

I'm not, it's just in general men don't give a shit, if they are the type to have affairs they are the type to use all women and not respect them, ow, wives whatever, they lack intgrity, morals and any sense of loyalty.

I don't think this man cares about anyone but himself.

Ow and wives can pitch against one another for ever more but ultimately they are usually fighting over who the male cares for more, it's my opinion that these types of men care for no one, if they show you they arn't capable of an honest monogamous relationship, believe them, thier actions say it all.

Thewookiemustgo · 04/11/2023 17:48

Cheats get worried that their affair partner might become vengeful, if the affair partner gets back in contact they might panic and instead of saying that they want the marriage and the affair was and is over. Stuff is said to pacify and keep the whole thing from imploding their chance of staying in the marriage. However, even if this were the case, this is still cowardice and avoidance. Obviously if she contacted him it’s “better” than the other way round, however he should have immediately shown OP and proved that this was the case, followed by “I love my wife and the affair is over. Please do not contact me again.”
Even if he didn’t mean a word of missing the OW, and it was guilty for using her flannel, or panicky pacification, he’s made trusting him impossible because he’s still in coward/ avoidance mode.
“The truth will set you free” is not wrong. All parties after infidelity need to hear and speak the truth about feelings and events.

RandomForest · 04/11/2023 18:02

“The truth will set you free” is not wrong. All parties after infidelity
need to hear and speak the truth about feelings and events.

Very rarely happens though, the truth would be I had an affair because I'm not capable of real love, the best you get is I was a fool and was led by my ego for the wife, and for the ow they rarely get the truth if they are discarded, why would anyone want to antagonise someone they have used, the repercussions could be devastating, men tend to pacify to protect the family unit and to minimise the embarrasment they could be exposed to with family, friends and colleagues.

The lies never end with an affair, you may get some men that recognise the benefits didn't outweigh the risks and therefor remain faithful in future but you can never be sure their logic won't be tested again.