His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

I would encourage him to enjoy his life, tell him you want a partner who will love you to bits and find you exciting, not some dude sticking with you under “duty of obligation”. F-uck that noise. He needs to get a life and stop making people around him miserable. You and the OW deserve better.

You know, weirdly, I might even actually respect it more if he had the guts to be upfront and admit how he feels about her and actually go for it and at least live authentically rather than all this weakness and pretending. He seems to think staying because of his ‘commitment’ makes him so strong and noble, when it’s the opposite.

Thankfully he’s not here today so I don’t have to look at him!!!

I would encourage him to enjoy his life, tell him you want a partner who will love you to bits and find you exciting, not some dude sticking with you under “duty of obligation”. F-uck that noise. He needs to get a life and stop making people around him miserable. You and the OW deserve better.

@beatrix1234
Completely agreed with all of this right up yip the end. Why exactly does the OW deserve better?

Have you ever had any contact with OW to verify what he has told you? I know folk don't say rise above, keep your dignity etc but it was invaluable for me in decision making in a similar situation.

It appears your H is weak and wants to to be Knight in shining armour/ good guy to OW whilst appearing to be a martyr to his family and marriage. The foot in both camps, indulgent victim playing mentality needs to be stopped by you if you are ever to get an end to this purgatory, find peace and move on.

I repeat, he is not worthy of you. Find your anger, show him the door.

@BlushTeddy He seems to think staying because of his ‘commitment’ makes him so strong and noble, when it’s the opposite.

it doesn’t, it makes him look weak and unauthentic, it’s making the women around him miserable (and him). Maybe his way of weird thinking (regarding the meaning of “noble” comes from his childhood and what he saw his dad doing. (?)

Yep there’s always someone who needs to create a victim out of the OW while a betrayed is in this much pain! Jeez!!!! 🙄

He's out today ? Great ! Pack up some things for him and tell him to go stay at a hotel until he finds his own place.

@obje Completely agreed with all of this right up yip the end. Why exactly does the OW deserve better?

The OW also deserves a man who will love her to bits, not this married tw-at throwing bread crumbs at her while hiding from his wife in the basement.

@beatrix1234 no I don't agree. The ow knew he was married with dc. She could have respected this and walked away. The op should not feel any sympathy towards her.

My dad had an affair when I was 25. The OW was well aware of my mum and myself and my sister. She didn't have one ounce of guilt in her in the part she played in destroying my family. Not one. I think she actually enjoyed it. She definitely got a kick out of it.

As an adult, I was dragged into this affair by both my parents - I wasn't protected from it. I have absolutely zero sympathy for the ow and I never will. Her relationship with my dad didn't last and as far as I know, she's been single ever since. Couldn't care less.

My mum is still damaged by the pair of them 12 years later. My mum owes her nothing.

So he’s not the asshole who had an affair, and who wants to keep feeding his ego with his bit on the side. He’s really the good guy hero sacrificing himself for his family and his honour? He might get out of this looking the good guy if no one looks sideways. What a crock of shit.
YOU have sacrificed enough of your short life on this d*head op. He wronged you. You gave him another chance he didn’t deserve and he’s continued to wrong you. Start thinking about what’s best for you, you owe him less than nothing.

The OP doesn’t need some comment about the OW ‘happiness’ and right to be ‘loved to bits’, what on earth are you thinking? This is a woman who helped her husband take her personal agency and right to sexual consent away from her.

No-one has mentioned her. She’s irrelevant, his behaviour is relevant and the OP pain and healing is relevant. Don’t try and make a victim of the OW, it’s virtue signalling and lacks empathy.

I’m not advocating the OP having any empathy for the OW, she shouldn’t. As a third party observer (me) I feel sorry for this woman who thinks it’s OK to be thrown bread crumbs and I also feel sorry for the OP for having a man staying with her out of “duty and obligation”. The whole thing is just a total turn off.

I couldn’t care less about the OW’s happiness but as I said, weirdly, I could at least respect it more if that’s what he wanted and he was at least authentic about it. All of what he’s doing is spineless and pathetic. There is no other way of looking at it.
I mean, pining after her for years whilst lying to his wife and the mother of his children… still!!

but it’s ‘for the kids’ because he’s such a hero. Of course.

@beatrix1234 still don't agree. It's a general rule not to get involved with a married man. We all know it's wrong. Even the ow.

I don't think saying you feel sorry for her is helping op either. Ow is just as guilty as the husband. She could have said no and walked away. She didn't.

I think you can hope she gets some self respect and learns to think about the damage her actions cause others before thinking of herself. But that's all.

OP how incredibly disrespectful of him to be asking after OW and then send that message in the first place.

You have been shaken to the core, and him being completely transparent and not having any contact with OW was your comfort zone, and he pissed all over that to satisfy his own ego.

And when you confront him, instead of owning it he tries to weasel out of it, then says it shouldn't matter as he's "trying his best"

He is essentially saying, "I'm still here arent I? What more do you want from me?" As if you should be grateful.

He sent a clear message in his reply to her. "It's you I really want. I'm trying to do the right thing because I'm a great guy, but if you really fight for me you might get me"

You deserve so much more.

@beatrix1234 "As a third party observer (me) I feel sorry for this woman who thinks it’s OK to be thrown bread crumbs" - are you for real? The OW was fully aware of her piss poor and disgusting choice to get involved with a MM. The OP had no choice in this situation at all.

OW who target MM are not victims in any shape or form and certainly don't recontact their MM 2 years post end of affair merely to pass the time of day. This OW had an agenda, if only as an ego boost by messaging OP's husband. It is now his response and commitment that is at question.

I believe everyone is a victim in this story -in some shape or form-. I don’t see any ‘winners’ here. It’s like a French movie sans the fun. As per the OW…. You need to have some very very low self esteem to
message a married man who you had an affair with two years ago and keeps throwing breadcrumbs at you. Her bar is very very low. And no, I don’t think the OP should have any simpathy for her whatsoever.

No op you don’t need to sympathise with her. She is daft to get involved and fall for the age old línes ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ 😂.

I have been propositioned by many married men (since my mid teens) and I wouldn’t touch one with a barge poll and never had. They say the same old tosh and are so pathetically comical with their sob stories. Very self centred men. If these individuals are unhappy they need to sort out their lives. This may be by focusing on their kids or revitalising their marriage. Read Gottmans work rather than watching porn one evening. Date their wives. Do something fun together. Go to counselling. Stop the booze. Find their true values and live by them. (If womanising, boozing and porn are your values it’s fine - but bloody own it! - don’t lie).

Men unable to converse to their partner, make changes to their life or explore why their spoken values and internal values don’t match are not partner material. Cheats, liars and men with low value or self worth are not good company.

I couldn’t be hidden from view. If you are with me, be proud to be with me. I’m not hiding behind the bike sheds with a married man! Yuk!

The perpetrators of an affair are hardly victims.

No op you don’t need to sympathise with her. She is daft to get involved and fall for the age old línes ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ 😂.

whys that funny to you? Laughing at a woman who was potentially lied to and hurt? Arguably he’s lied more to the op, and she fell for it. Another age old line. And he still is lying to her.

laughing at women as they were duped by a man isn’t something you should be proud of.

I have no idea what the OW said to him anyway tbh. Could have told him to get lost for all I know. I’m only concerned about it to the extent my husband has been lying about his feelings for her for years and made me think we were actually reconciling.

he basically didn’t make a proper choice either way. No wonder he’s been ‘trying’ to commit to it. Wasn’t anything genuine there to commit to!

Turns out she had messaged him first. He insisted it wasn’t to restart anything (I wanted to confront her, if that were the case…) but that didn’t make sense that she would just randomly message after all this time.

She messaged him after he was asking about her to a mutual friend. He is the one making the moves. * *

He said again he’d made the decision to stay and that was what he was doing, and what he told her.

it's one thing making the decision to stay but does he want to stay? Have you actually asked him? That response to me sounds like he's thinking he's doing the right thing. I don't see anywhere him saying I WANT to stay.

Him asking after her after all this time isn't normal. You know he still has feelings for her, he's asked after her and the fact she's blocked him on everything makes me think there's been other contact.

Do you feel like yous are happy together or do you feel like he is always somewhere else in his mind?

OP, I hope you make the decision that's right for you and your child xx

Yes she messaged but seems like he instigated. Pathetic.

why do you think there’s been other contact if she’s now blocked him?

and yes as I said I had a gut feeling because been distant and emotionally checked out more. It reminded me of how I felt before DDay. Very subtle, but I just felt something was off.

and no, thinking about about it, he definitely didn’t say he wanted to be with me. He said he had made his decision. He might have said he wanted to be here ‘with us’. But good point 😞

Turns out she had messaged him first.

Lol. As if you can trust him! Look he spent a year sticking his dick in both of you. Doesn't that turn your stomach?

Please find some self respect and chuck him out, you're worth so much more than this.

@Cosywintertime The op has been duped and I hope she is as well as she can be. I hope she finds happiness in life going forwarded.

However anyone choosing to get involved with a married man (or woman) who is lying to his wife /husband has not been duped. They enter the relationship with the married person knowing he (or she) is a proven liar. They have the facts in front of them and enough evidence to know he is a liar. Why wouldn’t he lie to the ow too if it suits him?

If the OW was not aware he was married at all and had been duped into thinking he was single I would have every sympathy for her. But no if you are daft enough to willingly get involved with a married person I have no sympathy if it goes wrong. If the man says to the other woman ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ you know he’s married - so you haven’t been duped. He’s told you he’s a liar.

Cheating can cause ptsd in a betrayed spouse. Some betrayed spouses end up on antidepressants or suicidal due to the impact of their cheating spouses. They are the victims. A woman (or man) making an informed decision to believe ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me’ knows exactly what they are getting - someone who is prepared to betray their family, deceive, lie and cheat for their own gain.