His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

But you know why. Don’t you? Three young kids. Not being the one who dumps his poor wife and leaves his family. Image. Money, lifestyle. The house. Child maintenance. Child custody. The financial impact. Being a bit skint.

you know exactly why he’s doing it. It doesn’t mean he likes it. Or if no kids involved he’d still be there. It doesn’t mean it makes him happy. It doesn’t mean given a straight choice he’d pick this. That wasn’t his commitment.

@Cosywintertime I suppose you’re right. They are so convincing when they get caught and I always suspected there was more to it than he told me. Definitely wouldn’t have expected him to be thinking of her after two years when it nearly destroyed our marriage. But there we are.

Look it’s possible he wasn’t thinking of her all this time. Maybe she messaged him out of the blue because she fancied some validation or ego- boosting, saying “I think about you and miss you” and what you saw was his reply. Maybe that’s the only contact they’ve had. Maybe not.

But either way his response reveals him not to be a safe partner for reconciliation. Because he’s still in the affair mindset. He kept the messages secret from you, told her basically he still cared about her and missed her. The only way forward after an affair is complete honesty, full disclosure, no contact, 100% commitment to family. It doesn’t seem like you have that.

For me, and I’m in exactly the same position as you, I’d consider this another betrayal - whether anything’s happened or not. And it would be the final straw.

@MissedItByThisMuch yes I see what you’re saying, although it doesn’t explain why he would even reply.

I agree he should have told me. Have been reading a lot about false reconciliation today and a Lot of the signs are there. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same position. I hope things turn out better for you!

Because he cares about her
Because he’s keeping his options open
Because he enjoys the ego-boost
Because the secrecy gives him a thrill
Because he’s getting bored again and wants some excitement

The precise reason doesn’t matter. There isn’t a “good” one for that sort of communication with her after all this time.

You don’t have to do anything right now @BlushTeddy, you can take your time and make your decision, confront him or not, leave or not, it doesn’t matter what anyone on here says you “should” do.

Hand on heart, I get pissed of with the LTB comments….But
He’s having an emotional affair.
He’s told you he misses her but you are reading that as he’s trying to let her down gently.
You need to sit and have a conversation with yourself and decide what you are willing to accept and then sit with him and ask what he wants you to accept.
If you can’t agree on at least 80% of a combined goal, it’s over now.
However, the thing I find unforgivable right now is him messaging her still.

OP you really need to be having it out with him. We can go back and forward with our opinions and support but you won't get answers if you don't confront him. Just the very fact he said he misses her would be enough for me to confront him and pack his bags.

Sorry OP, but for your sake LTB. He would have shown you her messages and replied to her in your presence, that would be "letting her down gently". Messaging her from a new address, out of the blue, but with enough context to possibly refer to previous contact?

Remind him of the conditions you set when you tried to reconcile, and confront him. Continued interactions with his affair is not an emotional affair, it's putting the affair on hold.

Thanks for all your responses.

By way of update I did confront him about it last night.

Turns out she had messaged him first. He insisted it wasn’t to restart anything (I wanted to confront her, if that were the case…) but that didn’t make sense that she would just randomly message after all this time.

After a lot of arguing he finally admitted it was because he’d been asking after her via a mutual friend and she’d found out and confronted him about it. Says he wasn’t trying to restart the affair but obviously couldn’t deny it was because he still cares about her (although he tried to massively downplay it).

He then said again he’d made the decision to stay and that was what he was doing, and what he told her. He seems to think just because nothing physical has happened this time it’s not a big deal. Said he’s trying to live up to the vows he made and although he hasn’t done it perfectly, he’s still trying and that he’s been doing everything I wanted him to as best he can. He did apologise but I genuinely think he thinks that him physically staying here with me and DC is the thing of utmost importance. And how he actually feels doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s hiding it well enough.

I could understand grieving the affair / OW / escape from life thing for a while after discovery but two years later? Surely that’s not ‘normal’. I would have thought by now this wouldn’t even be a thing.

Says that she’s blocked him on everything now anyway so no need for me to worry on that front! apparently! Potentially explains why he’s been so distant, preoccupied, and miserable.

So yeah. Exhausted this morning. Can’t believe I’m back here again.

I’m so sorry but he is still very much in wayward mode. I am aghast that instead of being ashamed at his contact he tried to gaslight and lie to you and then argue that he’s doing what he can. He’s playing the martyr. The one who gave up happiness/true love/his soulmate for his family etc etc

Don’t get me wrong she is likely NONE of those things, I can’t stand over romanticising of affairs, affairs lead to crazy illogical thinking, cognitive dissonance but his thinking is building resentment that he had to give up his feel goods and dopamine hits.

You can’t safely reconcile with this man right now.

He has zero empathy or remorse. Tbh it sounds more as though he resents you and thinks you ‘won’. This is not reconciliation. Reconciliation involves the cheat absolutely putting the healing and well-being of the betrayed at the front of their mind and working hard to be a better person, a safer partner. He is disgustingly selfish and entitled.

I wrote this on another post but it’s something I learnt, you have to be prepared to walk away from these idiots for them to truly see the value and worth of the person in front of them. The irony of this is that many betrayed walk away and find they don’t need the cheat and then you have the cheat suddenly realising that the betrayed’s love and patience is finite.

He’s not going to ‘get it’ now unless he’s shaken up by a shift in your attitude to this, you starting to realise your worth and rights in this marriage and being prepared to leave.

Although it is of course your choice whether you continue to fight or not for this marriage, I don’t think I could forget or move on from this latest contact. He is showing you who he is and he is not a man moving forward.

I’m so sorry, honestly to pull you back in your healing is unforgivable imho 💐

Such wise advice for an awful situation from @Susieb2023

I didn’t even attempt reconciliation with my cheater as I could see all the blame shifting and gaslighting she mentions above, and no genuine remorse. We’ve now been separated for a year and I can see everything so much more clearly now.

He’s still the same FW, and trying to manipulate me into spending Christmas with him “for the children” (I’d rather shit in my hands and clap, frankly!) because he’s feeling the uncomfortable consequences of his selfish actions. My life is so much better now and I don’t ever regret my decision.

Why is he asking about her after all this time? Still all about him, his feelings, needs, indulgences.... no thought to being transparent with you or prioritising your feelings or any real remorse for what he put you through. The OW should have not been able to contact him.

Seriously OP, time to gather all your strength and get tough with this man. If he can't see how the content of that text reads to you and isn't bending overbackwards to prioritise you and your marriage, your certificate isn't worth the paper its written on.

Personally I'd be making plans to LTB. He doesn't deserve you. As someone mentioned which is very true, it is only when you are prepared to lose the marriage you will know if it's worth saving. Sadly I suspect he sees you as clinging on regardless of the shit he throws your way. You need ultimatums and boundaries in place which he clearly understands.

I'm so sorry. x

Far better put by @Susieb2023 a few comments up thread.

How heartbreaking for you to hear he still cares after all this time. It does sound like he’s staying out of duty. He’s not saying he’s staying because he’s madly in love with you. Seems like OW has had enough of him and you should too. You deserve for someone to love you more than life itself and not be chosen based on circumstances.

He's still got one foot in the affair and sees himself as the big hero for doing the right thing and staying with his family. This is not a man who has realised he made a huge mistake and will do anything to reconcile with the wife he truly loves. I'm so sorry but you deserve more than this.

It's still all about him. What a hero for staying and 'doing the right thing'. Unless he loves and cherishes you, why bother? It must be torture for you OP and no way to live. You deserve so much more.

I'm so sorry OP. Its just too much about him isn't it ? What do you think you will do ?

At least you know where you stand and can make an informed decision now based on the facts. It does look as if he was hoping to rekindle her interest via the mutual friend.

I’m very sorry that this has happened to you OP.

On a practical note, if you decide to stay with him, make sure your finances are in order just in case he meets someone else and leaves. Make a worst-case-scenario legal/money plan in the event that the decision to continue with the marriage is taken out of your hands at some point.

Well I think there’s only one way forward really isn’t there, if he still has feelings for her this far down the line. I don’t think anything can be recovered.

thank you - I know. What a martyr! A hero for our times 😂

After 2 years of "trying", & its still so hard.
That is so insulting
He should wind back a bit.. remembering he fell in love with You, he asked You to marry him.
Yes obviously you have kids & time passes & people grow & change.
But if its such a chore. He can go.
Oh wait, maybe she wont have him now.. ?! & he'll be an unwanted bachelor with 3 kids at the w/e.

Is he a selfish partner in general op? He seems so self centred.

Your husband is a drama llama, he’s also full of sh-it. Basically he’s getting his jollies from playing two women and both of you are falling hook, line and sinker. It’s like a French movie were only his character is the one having fun. Deep down it looks like there’s a big existential void within your husband, an inability to enjoy the simple life of a partner and his child. You’re going to spend your life second guessing and phone snooping with this one. That’s Exhausting.

Well. No to be honest. That’s what’s so weird. It was such a shock when I found out. But it’s now just as if it was all a lie and all his ‘commitment’ was based on obligation and not genuine love. I mean how can it have been? It’s like he resents me for it even though he chose this too. And now it’s like he’s continuing to make this huge sacrifice.

Yes, I think the only thing you can do now is give up on the reconciliation. But be satisfied that you did all you could to save your marriage, and he is not leaving for this other woman but because you have decided that what he is offering is just not good enough for you and your family.