Partner just put pets in danger

[TheFoundation]

How would you feel? We have a child-gate to separate our cat and dog. The dog is a terrier, and chases cats. We had a pet each when we met, and have used this solution for a long time with no issues. The cat is 21, and so, stays in mostly, but is taken for tours around the garden when the sun's out, and the dog is contained. We are all 4 usually very happy.

I just came back from walking the dog, fully expecting that the cat would be safely enclosed. My partner was expecting me at around that time. The dog went hurtling in through the door, as always... and the cat is wandering about, loose, in the hallway. I had to do a goalkeeper-like dive to stop the terrier getting at the cat, which would have been a very dangerous situation, given the fragility of the 21 year old cat. My partner said 'Oh, I left the gate open, I didn't realise the cat had even walked out', and did apologise, but...

I'm upset. The risk was enormous. My partner was so careless. An apology makes no difference, when my concern is the lack of awareness of risk.

OP I had a strong reaction to your post as I found it to trigger in me feelings of when I have been dealing with and on the receiving end of someone who is fear reactive like this and how over time it can lead to one person acting like a parent/teacher and the other a naughty child. Reactive anger is yes sometimes a human instinct but it can also become toxic and destructive when it’s about the possible outcome of something and not the result of an actual bad outcome.

I’ve had a minor car accident before and it was a simple minor accident on both sides really, so I was a little shaken up but I wasn’t angry. No one was hurt, the cars had a minor prang no one even claimed on insurance. However the other driver got out and unleashed their absolute worst onto me about how terrible it might have been. I know they were scared but it was really very unpleasant and OTT. No I do not instantly turn to anger in most situations as it can be scary and unhelpful.

Nothing bad did actually happen. It was a threat you reacted to and blamed your partner fully for. People were saying that perhaps it’s not healthy to instantly jump to blaming them and it’s far more constructive to work together to find a solution that is even more failsafe. it bothered you that much but you only came up with one failsafe and if it’s really that much of a big deal you would have 2. The gate AND a leashed dog.

Although you have made up you describe your partner as negligent and it’s obvious you are now subconsciously monitoring them and getting quite angry when they let you down. Over time this could escalate. You can’t force someone to be you, or the person you want them to be. Sometimes we have to accept everyone has flaws and support them the best we can.

It was a threat you reacted to and blamed your partner fully for

But I didn't react. I had an emotional response, which I kept internal until I could express calmly to my partner how I felt.

you describe your partner as negligent and it’s obvious you are now subconsciously monitoring them and getting quite angry when they let you down

She is describing herself as negligent, and I have agreed to take on more responsibility given that she, herself, has stated that she's not able to do things as she normally would.

Sometimes we have to accept everyone has flaws and support them the best we can

Which is precisely what I'm doing, and what my partner and I have discussed.

it bothered you that much but you only came up with one failsafe and if it’s really that much of a big deal you would have 2. The gate AND a leashed dog

But why not 3? Why not also a phone call before either of us opens the door, following a confirmation text, and the person going out not being allowed a key so that the person who is gating the cat is the only one who can open the door? Why do you get to say how many failsafe's there 'should' be? Why shouldn't it be the case that everyone is expected to stick to the agreement, as a responsible adult?

Honestly, the feeling that you know better is rife here. Such moral judgements, and views that are clearly and admittedly informed by your own bad experiences with anger in the past, and yet no admission of projection; the fault in being angry all becomes mine.

This thread makes me understand unhealthy relationships, and feel glad that my partner and I have a happy, healthy one, where we can express all our emotions in a healthy, open way, without feeling that any of them are 'wrong'.

Something is off here though. You came to this forum for a reason and you dislike nearly every single view point based on your OP.

your opening line was ‘how would you feel’ yet no one is actually allowed to answer this!

you were so angry you didn’t even think an apology would suffice.

After you posted it you calmed down. That’s fine but you are still coming across as aggressive. Why are you so angry with everyone’s thoughts? I understand they are riling you as they are touching a nerve here. You throw out a load of accusations about others and you don’t know us either. I am not angry with you, and you didn’t shout at me so I am not projecting my feelings onto you. I am saying your words and descriptions remind me of people I’ve known who have fear reactive anger they find hard to control in the moment, and no I don’t react like this and I am not sure I would have either.

Everyone calms down at some point, so that’s not really the point that you made up, that's great but I’m sure there will be a next time. I don’t have a relationship like this so no I don’t understand it in the way you explained it. I don’t feel furious at my DP and I don’t have any reason to dress him down for mistakes. He isn’t perfect neither am I but we just don’t have this dynamic. I have been in RS before where I have been a disappointment to someone who has high expectations though…

You asked a question and people answered it. You don’t like the answers and each post it gets worse as you get more het up and frustrated.

I think the problem is OP, you have come across on this thread as overreactive and intransient, quick to blame and slow to accept responsibility or other perspectives. You asked people for their opinions, and have been variously sarcastic, aggressive and sneery when those opinions have displeased you.

For this reason, it's not a huge leap to imagine what it might be like to be your partner on the receiving end of your displeasure. We on thread have done nothing but answer the question you asked us, so can only imagine how you react to someone who has actually done something amiss. Add to this your description of their 'profuse apologies' to you, and it does conjure up an image of a relationship where one party may be somewhat cowed by the other.

You tell us you have a great relationship, but the dynamic your posts suggests isn't one that sits right with some people.

The fact your partner is suffering from burnout makes this even worse. The fact you thought it appropriate to be that angry with your partner when they are suffering from a mental health condition described as total mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

You are even gaslighting yourself. You didn't come on here and question your temper and correct yourself. You came on here, repeatedly and quite forcefully stated you were right and that your partner agreed. You've talked about boundaries being broken, trust lost which is complete hyperbole. You've then repeatedly make quite judgemental and unpleasant remarks about posters that have disagreed with you to discredit their opinions.

Not once have you even acknowledged that your emotions were out of proportion, especially given the background of burnout. You may not have acted on your anger this time, but your reaction even internally was completely out of proportion to your partners actions, and given the history of burn out I would expect a hell of a lot more empathy for your partner. Feeling like this when your partner drops the ball is something that needs addressing by you

I mean for christ sake it's fairly obvious your partner is going to make mistakes like this if they are burnt out. If you are too stupid to recognise thatyou need to take extra precautions then really that's on you

And I suspect your partner had no option but to apologise profusely and agree with you

They know the incandescent rage bubbling beneath the surface. How would you have reacted if they hadn't apologised and said "actually I'm burnt out, your overreacting and need to cut me some slack".

Look at how you've reacted to people on this thread who've disagreed with you. Tells us everything we need to know

Are you a bloke? Since your partner is a woman? You haven’t corrected anyone who has been referring to DP as ‘him’ , it has just emerged. Or are you in same sex partnership?

i don’t suppose this matters really. It’s just interesting given most peoples assumptions on this thread.

Rehome the dog if it can't live peacefully with a pre-existing pet.

I think there's a lot of people here who have no idea what they're talking about, a lot of assumptions, and a lot of judgement.

My partner and I, and the dog and the cat, are all happy. If transgressions are to be forgiven, then why not follow your own advice, rather than judge me? Seems my partner is to be let off the hook, but I am not.

I particularly love 'Your attitude tells us all we need to know'. What was it you needed to know, and for what purpose? To judge my relationship? To judge my personality? To judge my moral standing, my anger management? To judge whether my partner should be happy with me?

It's fascinating, the way people's minds work. Meanwhile, as the bitterness and criticism continues on the thread, our household is calm and peaceful. My partner thinks that lots of the suggestions on the thread are mental! I suppose that doesn't count for much, though, for those of you who have deemed me unworthy of a relationship?

An imperative? Erm... No.

Why do you think you're in charge?

No one said you were unworthy of a relationship though. We said perhaps take stock of how you come across. You might come across like that to your partner. You don’t need to let your over dramatic brain talk every time. Every post is charged with incredible anger and emotion.

I think this has gone a bit too far and for too long as well, the matter is resolved now and everyone is happy. Good news. Friendly advice, just take down the thread, close it or whatever as nothing positive is coming from it and it's not adding anything constructive to anyones life. Have a good evening.

@FredintheShed

My partner and I don't have any issues with how I 'come across', but thanks for your 'insight'.

@lanz

What if I'm enjoying it? Doesn't that count? I think that your friendly advice was a tad passive aggressive, otherwise you'd just let a quietening thread fall asleep without needing to poke it...

All the best.

Blimey. Your poor DH, and cat...and dog.

Stop looking for an argument, both on here and at home. You asked for advice on here and are now actively being hostile to replies- with respect get a grip.

Keeping a cat and a cat-aggressive terrier in the same house is an accident waiting to happen.

It doesnt matter who left what open or whatever. You're both equally to blame for being irresponsible enough to allow this situation to have arisen in the first place.

🦇💩

@TheFoundation This is becoming painful to watch by the moment ! I am going to leave you with a quote from Mark Twain and show myself out " Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference ".

@lanz... stop tagging me if you don't want a response. Unless you're looking for the last word?

It's a good job neither my partner nor myself are bothered about what you guys say. So destructive, now. We're into day 2 of calm, quiet, loving peace, and you guys are still arguing the tiff we had 2 nights ago.

Enjoy yourselves, we're off to do some reading!

I'm not looking for an argument, but people are still trying to tell me what I should do :)

OMG you are hard work. God forbid you should ever make a mistake OP. I would imagine your poor boyfriend just took the blame for a quiet life. Nothing happened - you both need to learn from it, and move on.

Nothing happened - you both need to learn from it, and move on

We did, the day before yesterday.

Why are you still posting, @Excitedannie ?

What a ludicrous situation . Why would you introduce a dog to the household who has to be physically restrained from killing your cat?!