Partner just put pets in danger

[TheFoundation]

How would you feel? We have a child-gate to separate our cat and dog. The dog is a terrier, and chases cats. We had a pet each when we met, and have used this solution for a long time with no issues. The cat is 21, and so, stays in mostly, but is taken for tours around the garden when the sun's out, and the dog is contained. We are all 4 usually very happy.

I just came back from walking the dog, fully expecting that the cat would be safely enclosed. My partner was expecting me at around that time. The dog went hurtling in through the door, as always... and the cat is wandering about, loose, in the hallway. I had to do a goalkeeper-like dive to stop the terrier getting at the cat, which would have been a very dangerous situation, given the fragility of the 21 year old cat. My partner said 'Oh, I left the gate open, I didn't realise the cat had even walked out', and did apologise, but...

I'm upset. The risk was enormous. My partner was so careless. An apology makes no difference, when my concern is the lack of awareness of risk.

Jesus Christ, grow up! Are you always this immature?

@TheFoundation l do! As a cat and dog owner l understand how hard it would have been to have trained a 9 year old terrier to accept a cat if it wasn't cat friendly. Pretty much impossible, and measures had to be taken to keep the cat safe. Hopefully your partner will be 100% careful in future ( lm sure he will as he probably feels bad) but l would have been very upset too as he'd put my dear old cat in danger. So you are not alone in feeling as you do.

Thank you for taking the time to write that @theresastormcoming I do think there's an element of people not understanding how distressing this could have been if things had been split-second different.

You've got a lot of people dismissing your feelings

Thank you for that, in particular. Unpleasant thread with people thinking 'get over it' etc.

Cheers, @lockedinflavour I appreciate your comment.

That poor bloke

This cat can no longer jump, so the gate is a reliable indicator of safety when closed.

OP, I can't bear the thought of animals being hurt or in danger. I imagine you are in shock. At that age the cat would've stood no chance. I think in future the dog needs to stay firmly on the lead (whoever walks him) until everyone is sure the cat is enclosed. I know it's a pain, but it's just common sense. Maybe ask your partner to set an alarm on his phone to remind him to close the gate for your arrival home with the dog? Again, he shouldn't need to but he's only human (and a man). The most important thing in all of this is the cat's safety so try to calmly discuss the situation.

Why? Because I feel upset that the gate was left open, endangering one of our animals? DH fully understands my point.

he shouldn't need to but he's only human (and a man

Why is it different being a man? Is a man less responsible for animal safety than a woman?

Why would you not.

I have a gate for my dog and I double check it every time I come in because we live on a busy road and its not worth the risk.

Its never been left open but it takes 2 seconds to check and could literally mean the difference between life and death.

But you both DO have to ‘Hawkeye’ the animals. Both of you. Every day. You BOTH have to be vigilant because your system is not fool proof. That’s the price for having animals in the same house who don’t get along.

Why would you not

Because I trusted DP to stick to the agreement we made.

I am not trying to upset you by saying this, but I notice you also seem quite angry with a lot of the responses. I am wondering if the ease with which you become angry may be something you want to look at?

I do think "incandescent" is worryingly extreme given the scenario. I'm relieved to hear that you managed to conceal the extent of your rage from your partner. I have been in a relationship where my partner got extremely angry with me for making genuine mistakes, and it was utterly terrifying - eventually I became pretty much paralyzed by fear of upsetting them and could hardly do anything at all I was so worried I would get it wrong.

Maybe you are always kind and respectful to your partner and keep these feelings of extreme anger hidden - I hope you do. If not, then I would suggest you do some inner work as a matter of urgency, because your partner WILL make mistakes again, being human. We all do, and we don't deserve "incandescence" in response. Sounds terrifying, to be honest.

Exactly this!

People are fallible OP. I'm sure your partner has the best intentions about keeping your cat safe but we all make mistakes or take our eye off the ball sometimes. You have just admitted you make mistakes all the time. So do I x

So the point people are trying to make is that you need to act defensively, with the dog. Assuming the cat will be contained is a mistake, because human beings make errors and things can go wrong. Given the severe consequences of the dog getting to the cat, it is on you (or the controller of the dog) to ensure with your own eyes that the cat is contained before letting him off the lead. This is what people mean.

Thanks for the character analysis, @Ilovelurchers I'm allowed to be incandescent if the animals are put at risk, and dealt with it by finding a way to calm myself down, then having a sensible discussion with DP.

Don't think the anger police need to be called quite yet. My partner didn't have to deal with any incandescence, and neither did I, for long.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight

Yes, I understood what people meant, thanks.

Have you posted about this situation before a couple of times already? This sounds very familiar

This sounds horrible, @Ilovelurchers

I have been in a relationship where my partner got extremely angry with me for making genuine mistakes, and it was utterly terrifying - eventually I became pretty much paralyzed by fear of upsetting them and could hardly do anything at all I was so worried I would get it wrong

It's not like that here. Glad you're out of that situation.

How would you manage OP if your partner started struggling with memory loss or cognitive issues, but you wouldnt know or have a diagnosis for months or years?

Would you spend months and months berating him because he forgot to turn off the tap, or left the door open, or left the car in gear etc etc

""How would you feel?""

I'd feel initially worried for the cat then pleased all was well in the end

I'd then come up with a new plan (hold onto dog until sure cat is safe) as Plan 1 is fallible

I would not feel the need to start a pig headed , vitriolic, inflexible thread ruminating on how awful my partner is

@heartsinvisiblefury

Nope, it only happened this afto, and never has before.

@Namechange4234

I would not feel the need to start a pig headed , vitriolic, inflexible thread ruminating on how awful my partner is

Wow. Insults. My partner isn't awful, and I'd never say that, or anything like it. My partner did something careless. You must have misunderstood.

Where there is a significant risk, it is common to have multiple mitigations to minimise the potential for risk to be realised. Most of mine are medical e.g
prescriptions get double checked by more than one person, surgical sites get confirmed and marked etc. I am sure other industries/professions have parallel mitigations.

The same is needed here. If the risk to the cat's life is such that the dog can never be in the same space, an additional mitigation is needed. Whoever brings the dog in keeps it on the lead and holds the lead while calling to the other, is the gate shut.

I think you are unfair to put the blame on your partner entirely, it was a shared oversight, from which nothing bad happened, except to highlight the flaw in your system.

@Userwithallthenumbers

What was my oversight, given that we'd agreed that, and live with, the gate always shut?