Slept with my friend arghh!

[Holibobby]

In work I have a really great close group of friends, we do lots together outside of work and have our lunch together in work etc. At the weekend we were out celebrating friends birthday, and after a few drinks most friends went home but I wanted to stay out dancing and partying (i rarely go out these days). One of my friends stayed out too so ended up being just the two of us.

We went to a nightclub - lots of cheesy pop songs and dancing it was a really lighthearted & fun. Then when we were dancing and he pulled me close and kissed me which took me by surprise hugely! I've always suspected he was gay but turns out he is defintley not!

Then we ended up back at his house and slept together 🙃Which has never ever crossed my mind, never seen him in that way at all as we're just good friends. I thought I would regret it the next day after sobering up but I didn't!

We were lying in bed talking and he said are you dating anyone at the mo and I said no and he said would you consider dating me and i said no and laughed. Because he's quite a jokey person I wasent sure if it was serious or not. The thing is he's so much younger than I am (34) he's 25! I have a child, and i've never seen him in that way at all.

I told my friend and she said one of our other friends (before any of this happened - early on in the night) said is there something going on between us two. Which I never would have thought that we're just good friends.

He also jokingly said please dont fall madly in love with me now which obviosly he was joking about and he said we shouldnt act awkward next time we see each other in work (sometime this week as we also work from home).

It felt like we were in a relationship as he was constantly hugging and kissing me and when we were watching tv the next day I kept find him looking at me differently I guess.

I did think i would walk away and laugh it off especially as I have not been into dating for a little while now as I enjoy being on my own, but I dont even no what to think/say/do etc haha.

Any advice/input would be geeatly appreciated :)

He sounds like a nice guy who is very keen on you. You get on well and are clearly attracted to him. Have fun and don’t overthink it.

He said he wasn't actively looking to date. That means, to me, he is not on dating apps, he isn't going out trying to meet someone. It doesn't mean the same as happening to meet someone by chance.
The best relationships grow from friendships, just have fun and see where it goes.

I've read your posts and think if ever there was a case for FWB, this is one. You really get on and like each other. Neither of you is in the right head space for a serious relationship.

I'd suggest this to him, and focus on re-establishing your friendship so that it stays solid, but with more physical affection.

@Userwithallthenumbers that’s what I thought when he said that too. I’ve just messaged him and asked if he is free at weekend.

@TotalOverhaul i think that’s a good suggestion, I guess it’s friendship then with a little extra. No pressure on either side

You’ll have to talk to him. Remember he asked you if you would date him and you said no and laughed. So it’s possible him telling you he does not want to actively date is a response to that.

You both need to lay your cards on the table and sort it out. Perhaps he is after friends with benefits but at least you’ll then know for sure.

Agree with those saying just go with the flow. It’s tempting to want a label or to know what someone thinks and feels all the time.

But if you like hanging out at work, you enjoy socialising with others or alone with him, and he’s decent in bed, just crack on!

Don’t get your hopes up (or his) as there are 100 different ways it could go wrong, given both of your circumstances, but don’t deny yourself some fun times because of a few half-arsed sentences about who’s looking for what.

FWIW I’m in a FWB situation that is confusing from the outside. We call ourselves friends, sometimes we just are, Sometimes we have sex, we make no promises, text most days, but if not it’s no problem.

We’ve planned a break away in a few months so there’s some longevity to this situation for both of us, he’s not seeing or shagging anyone else, but says if I want to then he’d understand, although he’d be jealous.

He also jokes “are you going to want to marry me now?” after we have sex. And flits from never wanting to even kiss someone again because it’s all too confusing, to joking he’ll marry the first woman he meets who likes his music, so I take most things he says with a pinch of salt even though he’s 100% honest and open.

If I read into everything he jokingly said I’d drive myself mad, so I base my choices on what he does and not what he says. If he texts and wants to meet up, make/buy me dinner and hang out, and not just have sex, then I’ll presume he likes me and he’s not just in it for sex. In fact it’s me that pushes the sex agenda more than him!

If he holds my hand or kisses my forehead it’s going to make me feel warmly towards him, regardless of whether he wants to call me his girlfriend or not!

So I’m just enjoying it for what it is. I spent years getting upset and anxious over the behaviour of a man who insisted we were together forever and that he adored me, even though I didn’t always feel that he did. Words aren’t everything. Actions speak louder.

@BigPussyEnergy it sounds like he definitely likes you! I guess that all this casual dating now is a sign of the times, nobody wants to get hurt etc or commit when everybody is busy

@Holibobby was he a good shag?

@HermioneWeasley not the night before - too much alcohol but in the morning yesss 😅

OP, stop procratinating and go for it! Just don't get pregnant in the process.

@StarlightLady haha ok I will just go for it and see what happens, I said im free and he said he’s keen to see me

Thank you for all the comments and messages i am enjoying reading through them all and helping give me perspective

Another reason to actually talk to him and have a conversation about what you're doing is that you need to know if he's having sex with other people. You need to make sure you're both practising safe sex. If he's having sex with other people, then you need to both be checked for STIs regularly, and probably a clear discussion about both your boundaries would be helpful too.

This is why I love the poly/EMN approach so much. People actually talk about sex and relationships and feelings and needs, rather than just falling into something and ending up with confusion, a broken heart and the clap.

@Holibobby well if you can keep it casual then I’d be all for a FWB arrangement in that case!

I hope you are not seriously considering relationship with a 25 year old. His frontal lobe juuust finished developing, and you're a mum pushing 40. It's not a rom com.

Since when was 34 'pushing 40'?

I wouldn't describe it as that, but nevertheless, this does not seem like a good idea. There was a thread the other day whereby somebody who was in her early 40s had got together years earlier with a much younger man and now he wanted out because he wanted to be a father. It just isn't going to work, the ages and age gap are not a good fit.

OP is 34, she has had a ONS (so far) with a friend and you are jumping to no one should ever even explore if a relationship might work out because she might be too old to have kids if/when he wants them because of a thread you read.

It might well not work out, but there are an awful lot more steps before they get to that one.

@Userwithallthenumbers Thank you. Yes I’ve literally just turned 34 so don’t in any way feel like I'm pushing 40 haha. I'm also trying to go with the flow so in no way am I suggesting long term, I’m just currently trying to test the water and asking MN for perspective

Yes, I do think that, I think they are both wasting their time. I am not one for casual relationships or flings though so maybe that is colouring my thought process.

If both are going into it with an awareness that it's casual, what's the issue?

Not every relationship has to be about spending the rest of your lives together, they can just be about spending time with someone who's company you enjoy, and having some romance (and good sex).

OP has her kids already, and the guy is only 25 so probably isn't looking to settle down yet anyway. Why not go for something mutually beneficial, even if it has a time limit?

The OP wants more than casual though it's obvious.

@Goodornot I don’t know what I want tbh I haven’t got any experience of casual but willing to give it a go. Especially as my life is so hectic and have lots to juggle

OK. I'd just be careful. This guy is already taking up a lot of head space for a casual arrangement. He would be one more thing to juggle.

It can be hard to not develop feelings for someone you're intimate with especially if you like them as a friend already. I'd exercise caution for that reason.