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Original poster

Slept with my friend arghh!

167 replies

Holibobby · 30/10/2023 14:56

In work I have a really great close group of friends, we do lots together outside of work and have our lunch together in work etc. At the weekend we were out celebrating friends birthday, and after a few drinks most friends went home but I wanted to stay out dancing and partying (i rarely go out these days). One of my friends stayed out too so ended up being just the two of us.

We went to a nightclub - lots of cheesy pop songs and dancing it was a really lighthearted & fun. Then when we were dancing and he pulled me close and kissed me which took me by surprise hugely! I've always suspected he was gay but turns out he is defintley not!

Then we ended up back at his house and slept together 🙃Which has never ever crossed my mind, never seen him in that way at all as we're just good friends. I thought I would regret it the next day after sobering up but I didn't!

We were lying in bed talking and he said are you dating anyone at the mo and I said no and he said would you consider dating me and i said no and laughed. Because he's quite a jokey person I wasent sure if it was serious or not. The thing is he's so much younger than I am (34) he's 25! I have a child, and i've never seen him in that way at all.

I told my friend and she said one of our other friends (before any of this happened - early on in the night) said is there something going on between us two. Which I never would have thought that we're just good friends.

He also jokingly said please dont fall madly in love with me now which obviosly he was joking about and he said we shouldnt act awkward next time we see each other in work (sometime this week as we also work from home).

It felt like we were in a relationship as he was constantly hugging and kissing me and when we were watching tv the next day I kept find him looking at me differently I guess.

I did think i would walk away and laugh it off especially as I have not been into dating for a little while now as I enjoy being on my own, but I dont even no what to think/say/do etc haha.

Any advice/input would be geeatly appreciated :)

OP posts:
Tilllly · 31/10/2023 08:46

Should it be this complicated, this early?

Uggquestion · 31/10/2023 08:50

He sounds a bit of a head wrecker and too young for you.

PierceMorgansChin · 31/10/2023 08:51

9 years age difference is big when one person is 25! He's basically an outgrown teenager and you are mum in mid thirties. He clearly tells you he's non committal. Very silly of you to sleep with a colleague, unless you don't mind vicious gossip

BoothsChristmasBook · 31/10/2023 08:51

"hopefully we are both a bit more at ease we both know we are happy whatever happens"

All of these things are his prep for when you want more and he doesn't. He can say oh but you were happy with whatever happens, I told you I had a busy schedule, you know how I overthink these things so I made sure to check with you. Fucking men. So transparent.

Original poster
Holibobby · 31/10/2023 09:00

The thing is I’m not actually looking to date anybody I’ve not been in that headspace for a long time. And literally days ago he was a really good friend but I’m not even sure why I’m getting invested.

i think when I was at his he literally did not let go of me was very cuddly almost clingy (I actually felt little suffocated) - he seemed more into that than anything else and he kept kissing me on the forehead in the morning when he was sober. When he was drunk he said he turns uoto events because I’m there but again I just laughed because I was shocked. so I’m just confused that his actions and words don’t match. Then again I don’t think he has much dating experience

OP posts:
Mayorq · 31/10/2023 09:02

Op: he asked if I'd consider dating him and I laughed in his face. But now I'm not sure what i want and he's being pretty non committal either way.

MN: this guy seems like a game playing dickhead, avoid.

😂😂

WeighDownOnMe · 31/10/2023 09:04

Holibobby · 31/10/2023 07:11

so The messaging has continued. He said he would be happy if something could happen again but he wants us to both be really open with each other and be really honest. I asked what he meant by that and he said ‘just communicate how we are feeling and don’t be afraid to talk about it’ then he said
‘It’s just a decision no need to rush it we can think about it’ and then he said he is a massive overthinker so will continue to overthink everything.

He then said ‘hopefully we are both a bit more at ease we both know we are happy whatever happens’ then he said thank you for messaging to ask because he wouldn’t have been brave enough but had wanted to all day. Then he asked if I want to meet up in uni today for lunch.

Jesus bet he really swept you off your feet with that!

It all sounds incredibly dull and hard work.

Swerve!

ForfarFourEastFifeFive · 31/10/2023 09:07

i think when I was at his he literally did not let go of me was very cuddly almost clingy (I actually felt little suffocated) - he seemed more into that than anything else and he kept kissing me on the forehead in the morning when he was sober.

You said in the beginning that before this, you thought he was gay. Now you’ve said the above, I’m pretty sure you were right.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 31/10/2023 09:14

I’m in a vaguely similar situation - ten year age gap, he’s younger. We had a tipsy ONS and he then said he didn’t want to date me, but changed his mind three days later. Four months on and I couldn’t ask for a better partner. Casual sex is so much more normal for younger people and once you get to a nine or ten year age gap that’s actually a generational gap culturally. All you can do is work out what you want - will you be devastated if he just wants to be FWB or do you want some fun with someone you fancy on some level? And work from there. I’d also check the workplace rules on relationships - I’ve had jobs where you had to notify HR if in a relationship and other ones where you just couldn’t have a relationship if you were hierarchically unequal.

gannett · 31/10/2023 09:14

Holibobby · 31/10/2023 09:00

The thing is I’m not actually looking to date anybody I’ve not been in that headspace for a long time. And literally days ago he was a really good friend but I’m not even sure why I’m getting invested.

i think when I was at his he literally did not let go of me was very cuddly almost clingy (I actually felt little suffocated) - he seemed more into that than anything else and he kept kissing me on the forehead in the morning when he was sober. When he was drunk he said he turns uoto events because I’m there but again I just laughed because I was shocked. so I’m just confused that his actions and words don’t match. Then again I don’t think he has much dating experience

So if you're not interested just tell him so again and stop stringing him along with constant messages. And stop over-analysing it all, if you're not interested it doesn't matter.

Apossum · 31/10/2023 09:14

Mm. I think he’s a bit of a flibbertygibbet really, he’s going back and forth and back and forth and doesn’t sound like he’s capable of being honest at all! It’s a no from me. Maybe it’s him being a bit immature but I can’t deal with someone who won’t be straight about what they actually want.. or worse, say just what they think you want to hear.

BlueGarters · 31/10/2023 09:17

I remember the absolute shenanigans when working in academia amongst the postgraduates. We are still really good friends with a few people who were there at that time. It was an absolute shag fest to put it bluntly. DH and I were the only couple that made it long term. There was a shag/snog flowchart done that linked most people in the dept. It was prolonging being a student with the benefit of industrial funding as a STEM subject.

Just make sure you have rock solid contraception and if you really want romance and roses best to step away.

Beamur · 31/10/2023 09:17

I don't think either of you have a clue what you want from this (understandable).
But there's unexpected chemistry?
Meet him for lunch and see what happens.
I think he might be backtracking because your reaction to dating him was a light-hearted brush off.
With the age and life experience gap this could be fun but maybe a bit of a challenge longer term?

strawberrysea · 31/10/2023 09:19

BoothsChristmasBook · 31/10/2023 00:13

"He also jokingly said please dont fall madly in love with me"

And

"he sent a huge message saying that he wasent looking to actively date at the moment"

Listen to what he's saying in between all the joking around. He's telling you that he'll sleep with you on his terms but has no interest in anything more with you. Time to knock it on the head before you get hurt.

Agreed. Been there done that, emotionally distance yourself while you still can.

MrsMiddleMother · 31/10/2023 09:20

Honestly just don't go there again. You had a fun one night stand, move on from it. Stay friends, still hang out with your group and have lunch at uni etc but do not start dating or become friends with benefits. It shouldn't be complicated at all, it's either okay that was great let's stay friends or let's go on a date. Anything in-between is just complicated and will lead to someone getting their feelings hurt.

Lostinbrum · 31/10/2023 09:22

The age gap would be a problem for me, a 25 year old man is very immature in my eyes. If he doesn't have dating experience I doubt he would be able to remain within the boundaries of a FWB situation either

taylorswift1989 · 31/10/2023 09:23

What do you want, OP? There's a lot of talk on this thread about what he wants, what he might be thinking, what he's feeling or saying or doing. Put that all aside because no one actually knows.

What is it you want? Decide, and then tell him. If you want to date him for a while and see how it goes, tell him that. He may say he doesn't want to date, just wants a FWB situation. That's fine, but if it's not what you want, then don't agree to it in the hope that it'll turn into something different.

The only way to get clarity here is to have absolute clarity yourself. Figure out what would make you happy, and then tell him what you've decided.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 09:45

I’m not sure I could sleep with someone I’d strongly suspected was gay.

StarlightLady · 31/10/2023 09:50

OP, there is nothing wrong with having sex with a good friend. And there is nothing wrong with the age gap. What is important is that you decide where you want to go from here and explain to him exactly what you do and don't want.

Try not to overthink it though.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 31/10/2023 09:57

@Hibiscrubbed what an odd thing to say.

INeedNewShoes · 31/10/2023 10:14

I think he properly likes you but because you gave the impression you weren’t interested in a relationship with him he’s back pedalling to protect his ego. You like each other just arrange to see each other again soon outside work and see where it goes.

RavingStone · 31/10/2023 10:20

I'm a few years older than you. This scenario sounds delightfully old school. All my friends' and my relationships started like this back in the 00s! Drunken snogs and shags, some of which turned into flings or FWBs and some of which turned into relationships.

I'd suggest just going with the flow for a bit. Don't over invest in an imagined future (which I'm guessing is easier for you as your future plans probably centre around your child?)

You don't both need to know what you want right now.

Original poster
Holibobby · 31/10/2023 10:25

Thank you for all the messages. I think like some posters have said - maybe I should stop making a mountain out of a molehill and just go with the flow. He’s a good friend and I know he doesn’t want either of us to get hurt, our lives couldn’t be any different. I’m just going to enjoy the fun but know when perhaps it needs reining in a little too.

I am really happy on my own and I choose to be single, so if we decide it’s a bit much I'm not going to be heart broken at all!

But on the same note I am absolutely shitting myself for lunch today (it’s only us in today conveniently 🫣). But I’m going to try my best not to overthink and be like every single day where we meet as mates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibobby · 31/10/2023 10:26

I’m really enjoying reading all of the posts, so many different opinions / answers etc and it’s all really helping.

OP posts:
plumtreebroke · 31/10/2023 10:26

Have lunch and a chat, see how you feel.

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