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Original poster

Slept with my friend arghh!

167 replies

Holibobby · 30/10/2023 14:56

In work I have a really great close group of friends, we do lots together outside of work and have our lunch together in work etc. At the weekend we were out celebrating friends birthday, and after a few drinks most friends went home but I wanted to stay out dancing and partying (i rarely go out these days). One of my friends stayed out too so ended up being just the two of us.

We went to a nightclub - lots of cheesy pop songs and dancing it was a really lighthearted & fun. Then when we were dancing and he pulled me close and kissed me which took me by surprise hugely! I've always suspected he was gay but turns out he is defintley not!

Then we ended up back at his house and slept together 🙃Which has never ever crossed my mind, never seen him in that way at all as we're just good friends. I thought I would regret it the next day after sobering up but I didn't!

We were lying in bed talking and he said are you dating anyone at the mo and I said no and he said would you consider dating me and i said no and laughed. Because he's quite a jokey person I wasent sure if it was serious or not. The thing is he's so much younger than I am (34) he's 25! I have a child, and i've never seen him in that way at all.

I told my friend and she said one of our other friends (before any of this happened - early on in the night) said is there something going on between us two. Which I never would have thought that we're just good friends.

He also jokingly said please dont fall madly in love with me now which obviosly he was joking about and he said we shouldnt act awkward next time we see each other in work (sometime this week as we also work from home).

It felt like we were in a relationship as he was constantly hugging and kissing me and when we were watching tv the next day I kept find him looking at me differently I guess.

I did think i would walk away and laugh it off especially as I have not been into dating for a little while now as I enjoy being on my own, but I dont even no what to think/say/do etc haha.

Any advice/input would be geeatly appreciated :)

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 31/10/2023 22:35

"Hey friend, I'm a bit confused about what's happening here. What is it that you're hoping will happen between us? I like you and would be happy to see you casually/date you/have a fwb situation*, but it would be good to get some clarity about how you're seeing the situation? Are we on the same page?"

*delete as applicable

Original poster
Holibobby · 31/10/2023 22:37

@chopc It was nice to spend time with him today even though we were just working, so wanted to see how i felt seeing him today, and i do think that I quite like him just trying to tread very cautiously.

OP posts:
WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 31/10/2023 23:08

This is a bloke that you hadn’t considered in a romantic/sexual way until this drunken night out a few days ago. After having sex with you, he is now being unclear, fucking with your head, saying one thing and doing another ....he has you second guessing yourself and writing posts about him on here, agonising over what to do. Do you really think he’s doing any of that right now?

So frustrating that women can’t see through men like this.

Original poster
Holibobby · 31/10/2023 23:23

@WalkedInJustToWalkOut hmm maybe, I’m not sure. He did say a number of times today and yesterday that he is a big over thinker and he hasent stopped overthinking it

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 31/10/2023 23:28

Holibobby · 31/10/2023 23:23

@WalkedInJustToWalkOut hmm maybe, I’m not sure. He did say a number of times today and yesterday that he is a big over thinker and he hasent stopped overthinking it

Just ask him! How can you have sex with someone but be afraid to have a conversation about it? Ask him what he wants, ask him for clarity. If he can't give you clarity, then walk away.

Original poster
Holibobby · 31/10/2023 23:32

I just think that if I ask and he is maybe considering taking things slowly (like he said in an earlier message) it will come across as too keen and then he will decide ‘ah maybe not’!

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 31/10/2023 23:32

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 31/10/2023 03:05

He’s messing with your head so that you accept a FWB situation. You’re meant to believe that he really likes you and if he had time, he would date you. But, alas, all he has time for is FWB and you’re so lucky that he can fit that in with his busy schedule. He wouldn’t do it for just anyone you know. He’s really putting himself out here.

Dickhead. 🙄

So the OP said she wouldn’t consider dating him, yet is here considering it - and he’s said no to dating probably because of her initial no… and he’s the dickhead?

Hope the weather’s nice on your planet 😅

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 31/10/2023 23:48

hmm maybe, I’m not sure. He did say a number of times today and yesterday that he is a big over thinker and he hasent stopped overthinking it

It all adds to keeping you on your toes though doesn’t it. He’s got you thinking about him, he’s trying to get you completely hooked so that he can get what he wants, when he wants.

By the end of his ‘oh I’m such an over thinker, would you consider dating me, oh but I have no time to date, oh don’t fall in love with me,’ mixed message rubbish, all you’ll be thinking about is him. It’s already happening. Then when he throws you a few breadcrumbs, you’ll be grateful and feel so lucky he’s fitting you into his busy schedule. Before you know it, you’ll be FWB with someone you thought was gay and hadn’t thought about in that way until he came on to you out of nowhere. I genuinely can’t believe women fall for it. Well, I can because I see and hear about it all the time but I’m just 🤦🏻‍♀️

taylorswift1989 · 31/10/2023 23:50

Holibobby · 31/10/2023 23:32

I just think that if I ask and he is maybe considering taking things slowly (like he said in an earlier message) it will come across as too keen and then he will decide ‘ah maybe not’!

Being keen isn't going to put him off if he likes you. Why would it? If it does, then you'll have dodged a massive bullet as that's not healthy!

Just say, I like you, I'd like to see where this goes, but I need more clarity from you and to feel we're on the same page about it.

Neither of you are mind readers. If you're going to get anywhere you need to have an honest conversation.

StBrides · 01/11/2023 00:07

I would side with the majority and say he just wants a fwb sitch if you hadn't told us:

We were lying in bed talking and he said are you dating anyone at the mo and I said no and he said would you consider dating me and i said no and laughed

In light of which, I think he is interested in a relationship with you but you laughed in his face so he's trying to save face.

If you think you want more, apologise for your reaction and tell him what you want.

One of you needs to lay your cards on the table, and that person is you.

Dery · 01/11/2023 01:16

Looking from the outside, I think he’s shown greater keenness than you have, OP. Look, nothing is certain in the early days or indeed ever. It sounds to me like you like each other and you’re both available. He asked to see you yesterday evening and at the weekend and you seem to have said no to both. So if you want to give this a whirl, the ball is in your court to suggest something. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It certainly doesn’t have to be a “where is this going?” conversation - it is far too soon for that. Just suggest a drink or sth (if you like him), see how that goes and then you and he can see if you want to have another date after that.

Or you can fret and puzzle and act mystified and cool for a bit and perhaps squander a chance that could have gone somewhere. Which doesn’t matter if you’re indifferent to him but it doesn’t seem like you are.

Original poster
Holibobby · 01/11/2023 07:10

@Dery yeah I agree “where is this going” conversation is too early and I want to avoid that for now. I also see your point that he has shown more keenness (if I’m reading him properly). I am
now free at the weekend so I am going to ask if he is still free.

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMe · 01/11/2023 07:38

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 31/10/2023 23:48

hmm maybe, I’m not sure. He did say a number of times today and yesterday that he is a big over thinker and he hasent stopped overthinking it

It all adds to keeping you on your toes though doesn’t it. He’s got you thinking about him, he’s trying to get you completely hooked so that he can get what he wants, when he wants.

By the end of his ‘oh I’m such an over thinker, would you consider dating me, oh but I have no time to date, oh don’t fall in love with me,’ mixed message rubbish, all you’ll be thinking about is him. It’s already happening. Then when he throws you a few breadcrumbs, you’ll be grateful and feel so lucky he’s fitting you into his busy schedule. Before you know it, you’ll be FWB with someone you thought was gay and hadn’t thought about in that way until he came on to you out of nowhere. I genuinely can’t believe women fall for it. Well, I can because I see and hear about it all the time but I’m just 🤦🏻‍♀️

This this all this.

He's not some uncertain 17 year old girl is he. All this back and forth and angst and oh god whatever you do don't fall for me.

Fuck that guy.

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 07:40

It's not a "where is this going" conversation. It's an "I need clarity before I get involved" conversation.

It's about you having good boundaries, knowing what you want and protecting yourself from gaslighting and manipulation.

If you're too scared to have a simple conversation with him then you definitely need to just walk away. That's a massive red flag.

Goodornot · 01/11/2023 07:47

Holibobby · 01/11/2023 07:10

@Dery yeah I agree “where is this going” conversation is too early and I want to avoid that for now. I also see your point that he has shown more keenness (if I’m reading him properly). I am
now free at the weekend so I am going to ask if he is still free.

The time for where is this going chat is never. He's told you.

With respect you're 9 years older than him and you have a child. Do you think a 25 yo wants to take that on?

He's told you not to fall in love, he's not looking for dating and just something casual and you're tying yourself in knots about what he means when he has told you.

I really don't understand the angst. He doesn't want a relationship and he wants a fwb.

Goodornot · 01/11/2023 07:53

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 07:40

It's not a "where is this going" conversation. It's an "I need clarity before I get involved" conversation.

It's about you having good boundaries, knowing what you want and protecting yourself from gaslighting and manipulation.

If you're too scared to have a simple conversation with him then you definitely need to just walk away. That's a massive red flag.

Again clarity? She had that when he said he's too busy to date and just wnats something causal.
He's told her straight up already where she stands and now he's a potential gas lighter and manipulator ?

He will turn around and say in a few months we were never together and she'll probably accuse him of manipulation but it is very obvious and he's told her and been straight. If she chooses not to listen egged on by some baffling responses here on her own head be it.

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 07:58

She doesn't have clarity, since she is on here trying to work out what he thinks. So yes, she needs to get clarity and if he can't give her that, then that's a red flag and she needs to walk away.

Stop trying to read his mind, OP, and just ask him!

pineapplepinecones · 01/11/2023 08:02

I think he really likes you.

what do you want OP ?!? In all your messages it is not clear. Your posts are all reading his behaviour. He is keen. He def wants more sex, if not a relationship.

he might mess you about but it might be really fun, isn’t that the point of life ?

what do you want ?

I got together with my dp, he was a friend first. Then turns out we have great sex, win win !

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 01/11/2023 08:14

I agree with @pineapplepinecones. You don’t need to have a conversation about where you’ll be in fifteen years, but both of you can be adults about saying “do you want to have sex again or was it a one-off” and “would you like to explore a closer relationship in the future by dating”. Obviously you can be more subtle than that if you want! But I think you need to have a chat in that vein.

I don’t think he’s being manipulative, it sounds like he’s either looking for a FWB which is pretty normal at his age or he really likes you and is trying to avoid awkwardness or rejection. But if you don’t talk about it one or both of you is running the risk of being “the one that got away”. I know I’m autistic and therefore not normal in this situation but all the little traditions/customs like “don’t text him back too quickly” or this sort of situation where someone is trying to read the other person’s mind frankly stress me out. Rejection isn’t nice but it’s better than pretence or worse, deception followed by rejection.

Goodornot · 01/11/2023 08:28

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 07:58

She doesn't have clarity, since she is on here trying to work out what he thinks. So yes, she needs to get clarity and if he can't give her that, then that's a red flag and she needs to walk away.

Stop trying to read his mind, OP, and just ask him!

That's where we disagree. The lack of clarity from him is all the clarity she needs. When someone wants to be with you it is very very obvious. There is no messing around trying to figure out what someone means or wants. I've learnt that the hard way.

He's given her clarity. Something casual is what he said. He's flirty in person because he's hanging out for another shag.

It isn't a red flag just someone who doesn't want a relationship and who has already told her this. She's choosing not to listen to what he actually said. A red flag is used to talk about potential indicators for future abuse in a relationship. A 25 yo has told her he isn't looking for a relationship and that isn't a red flag.

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 08:51

Goodornot · 01/11/2023 08:28

That's where we disagree. The lack of clarity from him is all the clarity she needs. When someone wants to be with you it is very very obvious. There is no messing around trying to figure out what someone means or wants. I've learnt that the hard way.

He's given her clarity. Something casual is what he said. He's flirty in person because he's hanging out for another shag.

It isn't a red flag just someone who doesn't want a relationship and who has already told her this. She's choosing not to listen to what he actually said. A red flag is used to talk about potential indicators for future abuse in a relationship. A 25 yo has told her he isn't looking for a relationship and that isn't a red flag.

Show quote history

You know what? Stop mind reading. No one knows what this guy is thinking. He hasn't been clear. And even if you think he has, OP clearly doesn't have that clarity. So the best way forward is to ask him directly. Have a conversation.

Not wanting a relationship isn't a red flag. Feeling totally confused and unclear even when you've asked for clarity is a giant red flag.

Original poster
Holibobby · 01/11/2023 08:56

Yes it’s defintley not a red flag - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years so I know what a red flag is. This is all harmless, and like previous posters have said - I’m probably not giving any clarity in what I’m saying to him / how I’m responding to things he says

OP posts:
Goodornot · 01/11/2023 09:10

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 08:51

You know what? Stop mind reading. No one knows what this guy is thinking. He hasn't been clear. And even if you think he has, OP clearly doesn't have that clarity. So the best way forward is to ask him directly. Have a conversation.

Not wanting a relationship isn't a red flag. Feeling totally confused and unclear even when you've asked for clarity is a giant red flag.

Show quote history

He's told her what he thinks?

Don't fall in love with me and I'm not looking for dating.

I'm not sure where any confusion comes from.

But keep your way I'm done.

taylorswift1989 · 01/11/2023 09:18

Goodornot · 01/11/2023 09:10

He's told her what he thinks?

Don't fall in love with me and I'm not looking for dating.

I'm not sure where any confusion comes from.

But keep your way I'm done.

Show quote history

But you're not the one in the situation with him. OP is, and she's confused. You are telling her your views, others are saying he must really like her.

The only person who can give her clarity is him - and for some reason, she's scared to ask him. That in itself is a red flag. It shouldn't be hard to have an open conversation with someone you've had sex with. Absolutely OP needs clarity and lots of it.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 01/11/2023 09:25

It shouldn’t be, but most people find it difficult and awkward, and if you’re scared of rejection it’s worse. Particularly given the age and generation gap. For example I saw having sex with my now DP as a big step whereas he is used to fairly casual sex and then returning to being friends/acquaintances as the norm. We could only resolve it by speaking to each other, so we knew where we stood, but it took a bit of bravery on both sides, me to risk rejection and him to articulate stuff that isn’t normally articulated.