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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 10:30

I hope that the money your parents gave you for the house, is ring-fenced and when you bought the house, there was an agreement that the £XXX that was given by your parents, was yours if you split up!

I think your H is being really nasty and I must admit I do wonder how controlling and manipulative he is about other things.

So, he wants to go away to somewhere for 7 nights? Bye then, see ya in a week!

I hope I’m just getting the wrong end of the stick and he’s not the abusive, controlling person that he seems to be from the posts!

MariaLuna · 30/10/2023 10:31

He frequently shouts at you. He wanted you to commit to buying the house, and gladly accepted your family money to help with it, but refused to show you his bank statement so you’d be informed about the amount of his salary and savings.

OP, I find it alarming that you are married to a man whilst not knowing anything about his income or savings.

Your parents sound wonderful. Have a heart to heart with them while he's out having his strop.

Cavalierorwhat · 30/10/2023 10:33

This has probably already been said but what jumped out at me is that he doesn’t want you to have a day (Friday) with them on your own. He wants to be involved and control what you can say.
Maybe you should go to them on this occasion and tell them how unhappy you are.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 30/10/2023 10:34

Last month you were going to leave him. By the sounds of it, it’s a shame you didn’t follow through with that. Let your parents come and visit, pack your bags and get in the car with them when they go home. Don’t look back.

1990thatsme · 30/10/2023 10:41

Given the previous posts, I agree with others here.

I would pray that he means it when he says he’ll fuck off for a week. Then you have an opportunity to tell your parents what you have been going through. They probably won’t be surprised, just relieved you have told them.

Let them help you to get away from this horrible man.

StarDolphins · 30/10/2023 10:46

I would tell him they’re coming on Thurs & if he doesn’t like it he can go elsewhere. It’s your house too, he’s not the boss. It’s 1 extra day, he needs to stop being so mardy about it.

Bemyclementine · 30/10/2023 10:52

@Martacus I'd ask which 7 days he's goingbto be gone, then invite them for a week.

TheOccupier · 30/10/2023 11:00

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Does he have somewhere else to go for 7 days? If so, I'd be asking him to confirm that so that your parents can stay even longer. Doesn't sound like his absence would be much of a punishment...

SirVixofVixHall · 30/10/2023 11:00

I would find this bullying behaviour deeply unattractive. I struggle with my own MIL because she tends to make unkind comments to me, but if she lived seven hours away I absolutely would expect to have her for at least four days.
Your parents sound lovely ! Is your DH controlling of you in other ways ?

ThreeRingCircus · 30/10/2023 11:10

Oh OP. Use the time with your parents to tell them everything that is happening and what a controlling bully your husband is. Ideally go back home with them but if not then at least get them to take your important documents with them so they're safe and ready for when you do leave.

horseyhorsey17 · 30/10/2023 11:13

Your husband is being a dick about this.

Not sure what you can do about it, but he is.

Catsfrontbum · 30/10/2023 11:16

He sounds very controlling.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2023 11:23

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Let him!

And I hope the miserable git never has the nerve to accept any help from your parents of any kind ever again!

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 11:23

You bought a house, provided a deposit for it, and married a man who refuses to share any financial information with you?

OP, you must be so vulnerable to have made such a series of appallingly ill-judged decisions.

I would be hugely worried for your safety.

You have no idea what you married.

Please tell your parents the truth.

He doesn't want you to have alone time with them.

Do not hesitate to call the police if he becomes aggressive with you.

Mari9999 · 30/10/2023 11:24

@Martacus

He lived in your parents home for a year and accepted money towards payment of his wedding and home purchase, but cannot tolerate having them in his home for a long weekend. He is a world class jerk. I don't know if I would want to inflict him on my parents anymore than absolutely necessary.

Are you considering having children with this man child? If so, I would reconsider. He seems exceptionally selfish, but I would imagine that your parents tolerate but do not think highly of him.

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 11:24

MariaLuna · 30/10/2023 10:31

He frequently shouts at you. He wanted you to commit to buying the house, and gladly accepted your family money to help with it, but refused to show you his bank statement so you’d be informed about the amount of his salary and savings.

OP, I find it alarming that you are married to a man whilst not knowing anything about his income or savings.

Your parents sound wonderful. Have a heart to heart with them while he's out having his strop.

Good grief. I think I would be going home with my parents!

Sanguinello · 30/10/2023 11:29

The next best option after having a good dp is to be single. It's not to have a bad dp. I've experienced all of the above. I'm a widow after a good marriage and I'd much rather be single than have a crap dp. I experienced that before my marriage.

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 11:30

NearlyMonday · 30/10/2023 11:26

I started a thread a few months ago, asking if it was reasonable to expect relatives to visit at the weekend instead of midweek, and most people thought I was being perfectly reasonable?

Not wanting people to stay with us mid-week | Mumsnet

But you didn’t want them there! And they didn’t contribute to your household in anyway.

@Martacus appears to be in a vulnerable situation, whereby her parents paid the deposit for the house and her husband seems to be controlling and wants to isolate her from her family by ensuring that she doesn’t have any alone time with them.

I’m worried about her and his manipulation of her 😞

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 30/10/2023 11:36

Wave him goodbye for a week then. How nice to have a lovely visit from your parents. Call his bluff OP, he sounds horrible

💐

Beachcomber74 · 30/10/2023 11:44

Why did you move so far away?

WaltzingWaters · 30/10/2023 11:45

Yeah your “DH” sounds like a complete controlling dick. If your parents were horribly interfering or something then it’s understandable, but from what you’ve said they sound incredibly lovely and helpful and have even paid towards the house they’re not allowed to stay an extra night at!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/10/2023 12:15

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Brilliant, one less person to accommodate / feed / worry about!

He won't do that. If he does, you have much bigger problems than his dislike of your family staying over.

Sugarfree23 · 30/10/2023 12:29

NearlyMonday · 30/10/2023 11:26

I started a thread a few months ago, asking if it was reasonable to expect relatives to visit at the weekend instead of midweek, and most people thought I was being perfectly reasonable?

Not wanting people to stay with us mid-week | Mumsnet

I think the difference is you never said what distance people were travelling and you seemed to have a string of random, family, cousins and friends visiting.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2023 12:32

Wow! Going by @billy1966 update you definitely need some alone time with your parents.

Tell them what's going on