Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

[Martacus]

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

If you were to go on an evening out with friends how would he react, would he pick a fight so you don't go or call you to come back early.

Can you give us some more information, OP?

How old are you and how long have you been married?

Did your husband put an equal amount of money into the house purchase?

Were you previously living 7 hours away from your parents or have you just moved a long way away?

On the face of it, it sounds completely unreasonable that your husband is saying your parents can't stay an extra night. I live a similar distance from my parents and they never come for less than 4 or 5 nights, although they get an Airbnb if they are visiting with other family members. If it's just the two of them they stay with us though. When we go to stay with them we stay for a week minimum, often two or three weeks. 7 hours is a very long journey.

I don't mean to alarm you, but making it difficult for your family to come and stay is a red flag for abuse. Isolating their partner from friends and family is an early move in the abuser's playbook, and it gets worse from there on. If he was one of the main drivers behind moving far away, I'd be doubly wary.

Unless the biological clock is really ticking I would probably hold off on having children with him for a while.

He is deliberately trying to drive a wedge between you and your parents. I have personal experience of this. Please start to plan your escape as soon as possible. Living on your own is much preferable to living with someone like this.

Your poor dad being bollocked for being helpful. They sound lovely and your dh is very unreasonable

@Martacus

If I can give you one piece of advice it is this: don't have a baby with this man because you will have to deal with him for decades. If you won't leave him (yet) please don't get pregnant by him. Take it from someone who has learnt the hard way.

Please, please listen to and take this advice. Getting pregnant to this man just shuts the cage door on you with more certainty for at least two decades whilst you try to co-parent with him. Ensure your contraception is as bullet proof as you can make it and that it's totally in your control, with little/no room for "error" or "mistake". Talk to your GP if necessary. 🌹

Option 1: Your parents are actually quite judgemental, and nitpick towards him and he finds it exhausting. But... I find it hard to believe you have noticed none of this if it's the case PLUS, even if you are oblivious, him deciding he cannot spend time with them is a clear moment for him to explain his issues to you.

Option 2 - therefore significantly more likely - he is actually a controlling ass in a whole bunch of ways and you just haven't previously noticed. Attempting to isolate the victim from their family and friends is a pretty common tactic so now you're living far away, he's ramping it up.

Sorry to be cynical, but I am afraid I am deeply suspicious. Is he controlling in other ways that perhaps you don't really care about or notice ? Examples could be that you always cook/eat food he likes; you find it easier to stay home than go out with friends as he worries/gets stressed/gets snippy; if you're late from work you have to keep him informed. Do you find yourself doing things before he gets home to keep the peace or perhaps not telling him about certain interactions to avoid a negative reaction?

Are you considering children soon?

Oh fuck.

I've just looked too.

@Martacus Things are not going to get better for you in this marriage.

Pack a suitcase. Leave. Go back to your parents. Divorce him. Get a shit hot lawyer and see if there's a way to stop him from walking away with half the money your parents gave you towards your house.

What a spoilt brat of a man.

Reading your other posts I can only strongly agree with pp's that you must get out of this relationship. If you were my daughter I'd be frantic with worry, especially being so far away.

You're presumably fairly young with a whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on a controlling bully. Take the financial hit if you have to; your parents may be able to help you in the short term there. This is coercive control.

As far as the house deposit goes yes it's a marital asset now and you may well lose half of it to him but that will be a small price to pay to deliver you out of the hands of this nasty man.

Not necessarily. If if she did not ringfence the deposit, the extent to which the money will de deemed to have become joint marital property depends on the duration of the marriage and the time that has elapsed since the parents gifted it.

@Martacus - you need competent legal advice.

In the meantime, make sure you don't get pregnant!

Can you use the time with your parent to recharge your batteries? And hatch a plan to leave your abuser - because you know this isn't going to get any better.

OMG @Weddingpuzzle I'm so sorry you had anything to do with this creature. I'm glad to see the words "I had one of these", so past tense, though I suppose you still have some contact regarding your child/ren? Although I do hope not as he sounds so dangerous. 🌹

Just very quickly @Martacus - I've just seen the thread you started about possibly leaving him.

Please tell your parents how you feel when they come to see you. They sound lovely, and my guess is that they will help you to leave him. Thank goodness you haven't had children with him - this will make it so much easier.

If my DD were in your situation and came clean with me, I'd be taking her back home with me (and my mum and dad would do the same for me).

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed - very annoyed!! - who does his think he is, he who must be obeyed.??? Tell him to piss off!

OP, if your parents come for the weekend and your husband goes out for some alone time as suggested - or if you overrule him and they come on Thursday and he works from the office on Friday - you could use that time to explain the situation to your parents and they could help you locate important documents and pack up your most precious possessions ready to leave.

Even if you're not ready to leave him right then and there, you could give anything which is particularly important to your parents for safekeeping. Them driving back home in their car after their visit is an opportunity. Use it.

Ideally you would be in that car yourself, but if you're not ready for that yet, things like any jewellery or family heirlooms, photos, gifts, even your passport, could be travelling to a place of safety.

If he says he'll leave the house for seven days, then invite them for seven days.

@Martacus take it from me, one day when you lose your parents, you need to be able to look back and know that you stood up for them and spent time with them.
Imagine how you'd feel knowing you curtailed a visit because of your dick of a husband. You'll hate him for it, as well as the guilt.

You only have your parents for a short time , when they've gone it's forever so cherish them now .

Hope you don't have any children with this man.

He’s being an absolute dick!
Unless there is a back story.

But it is his home too and perhaps you could compromise by having them stay in a nearby travel lodge on thursday night and then at yours Friday and Saturday.

I’m not a huge fan of people staying over for more than 1 night at a time but I would suck it up and deal with it for a one off.

Have you asked him why?
This would be the first question I asked.

I can see both sides.

Hell would have to freeze over before I would have agreed to my mother in law staying more more than a couple of days. Outwardly she is nice, kind and did a lot for us, but she was so interfering, undermining and under the surface, quite toxic.

@Itsnotchristmasyet

He’s being an absolute dick!
Unless there is a back story.

There is if you read even a few posts back! Forget the Travelodge idea unless it's for OP to escape to today.* *

@Martacus

why are you still with this man?

leave.

I'm sorry op but ur husband sounds really controlling. How can he refuse you having your parents stay in your own home.
If he has a problem with it, then he can stay somewhere else whilst you enjoy your time with your parents

7 days isn’t long enough imo, tell him to leave for good. Please protect yourself op. He’s fond enough of taking from your parents but can’t be polite to them for a few days? He sounds truly awful. Please put your parents 1st, I have a feeling you will need them before long.

If you have family who live far away, it's normal for them to come to stay for a few nights. I think 3 nights is a perfectly acceptable time (even though I'd hate ever minute of it).

I think your dh needs to suck it up and make other plans for part of the weekend to avoid (that's what I do). But I would be annoyed at in-laws coming to do 'DIY' and 'gardening' on my new house. I don't like people taking it upon themselves to mess about with stuff (MIL came to stay for a few nights earlier in the year and decided to 'trim the hedge' which resulted in putting a whole through the hedge that livestock could then escape through 🙄apparently, she thought it would be easier for everyone if WE could just walk through a gap in the hedge, not thinking that the bloody hedge is there for a reason). Anyway, I digress. That would annoy me.

Otherwise, it's fine and your dh needs to suck it up on occasion as long as they aren't overstaying their welcome.