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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 30/10/2023 12:35

I would not ask him I would tell him they are staying for as long as you want them too, his permission is not needed.

AngelAurora · 30/10/2023 12:46

Ponderingwindow · 30/10/2023 01:37

you aren’t asking for 3 days, you are asking for 5. Thursday-Monday is 5 days. It doesn’t matter if they arrive late and leave early on those days, those days still count as part of the disruption to the household and lack of privacy.

if that is the time you want, that is one thing, but don’t pretend it’s just a weekend visit. It makes it seem like you don’t have any respect for other people.

Be honest about what you are asking. Perhaps ending the trip on Sunday would make the Thursday arrival more palatable because there will be no houseguests going in to the work week. Having Sunday evening to recover can be very important.

What rock did you crawl out off?

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 30/10/2023 13:06

Tell him to move out of the house your parents helped provide! What a controlling, threatening bastard! You can do so so much better OP

NearlyMonday · 30/10/2023 13:18

Sugarfree23 · 30/10/2023 12:29

I think the difference is you never said what distance people were travelling and you seemed to have a string of random, family, cousins and friends visiting.

Show quote history

Max journey time 4hrs, and none of them are elderly!!!

Stomacharmeleon · 30/10/2023 13:41

@billy1966 comment has put a whole new spin on things. If that is true.... how can you not know what he earns? You have to ask yourself why he is acting the way he is? What an unpleasant character.

Even if he wasn't we all bit the bullet for Those we love. It's your family and they want to stay. He is being very unreasonable. Let him bugger off for seven days. And invite them for longer.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/10/2023 13:46

@Ponderingwindow given the amount of financial help they have given , whether it's 3 or 5 days - does it matter?? It's not as if it's once a month, it's a rare visit

Redruby2020 · 30/10/2023 13:49

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

You've got a skilled manipulator there.

Sugarfree23 · 30/10/2023 14:53

NearlyMonday · 30/10/2023 13:18

Max journey time 4hrs, and none of them are elderly!!!

Show quote history

So it's a different senerio, 4hrs drive for non-elderly people could easily be a leave after work Friday, arrive at yours 9pm, and the same again Sunday leave tea-time, home for bed. Your thread gave the impression you had a loads of visitors who wanted to visit the area and beach as much as they wanted to see you.

But 7hr drive for Ops parents who presumably don't visit very often really means two full days driving.
They aren't going to want to leave at tea-time Sunday not getting home until the early hours of the morning. That's verging on dangerous, danger or falling asleep at the wheel.

booksandbrooks · 30/10/2023 14:58

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Sounds like a win win tbh

Katiesaidthat · 30/10/2023 15:07

Sorry, but what does "I will get very annoyed mean". It sounds like an ex of my best friend that told her that if she didn´t toe the line he would erase her from his mobile phone contacts. We are still laughing 30 years later.
I do not need my husband´s permission to invite my mum to our home nor would he need mine to invite his. This isn´t healthy. Tell him to jog on.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 15:59

booksandbrooks · 30/10/2023 14:58

Sounds like a win win tbh

Show quote history

LOL!

GabriellaMontez · 30/10/2023 16:08

Fingers crossed he leaves for a week.

beanii · 30/10/2023 16:51

Well there's obviously a reason why he doesn't want them there - maybe you see them through rose-tinted glasses?

BIossomtoes · 30/10/2023 16:54

beanii · 30/10/2023 16:51

Well there's obviously a reason why he doesn't want them there - maybe you see them through rose-tinted glasses?

He doesn’t want them there because their presence lessens his control over his wife.

Beaverbridge · 30/10/2023 17:06

Wave him goodbye, controlling arsehole.

Amblesidebadger · 30/10/2023 17:29

YANBU. I'd be hurt by this.
Would he prefer to get them a hotel room nearby?

Montegufoni2017 · 30/10/2023 17:37

Either your parents are not the kind compassionate helpful people you describe and you can’t see it
OR
DH is a controlling, selfish AH

MsDogLady · 30/10/2023 17:55

I’m baffled about why it’s such a big deal.

It’s not baffling to me, @Martacus. Abusers abuse. Your H has a mean streak, and he enjoys controlling and being unfair to you, and in turn your parents.

You’ve previously written that you feel terrified at the thought of not having him to talk to, and that an uncertain future overwhelms you. One thing is certain, though. A future with this abuser means anxiety and diminishment. Surely forging a happy, peaceful and enriching life would be preferable.

@Martacus, I strongly advise you to access IC to strengthen your self-esteem, learn effective coping strategies, and formulate an exit plan.

DonnaBanana · 30/10/2023 18:10

Not everyone likes having visitors in their home so I don’t think his attitude itself is entirely unreasonable but you have given him the option to extricate himself from the situation so I don’t think you are being unreasonable either. He should see this is important to you and take up your offer.

Okaaaay · 30/10/2023 18:16

I’m gutted for you OP - incredibly hurt behaviour when there seemingly isn’t an issue. He’s being unkind and ridiculous. Nothing more hurtful than your other half at odds with your parents. He doesn’t get to make these unilateral requests. Hold firm on that. He also doesn’t get to ruin the time for you (which would be my next worry). Tell him to go away for the weekend if you think that will happen. X

FreebieWallopFridge · 30/10/2023 18:17

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Tell him that’s a great idea because then they can stay for a week. What a wonderful idea!

Heb1996 · 30/10/2023 18:23

@Martacus I agree!!! What a controlling knob! Does he always get his own way on everything by threatening you and behaving like a child? As far as I’m concerned I’d be telling him that they’re coming for however long you want and pack his bags. He sounds horribly controlling and selfish and an awful husband.

EmmaDilemma5 · 30/10/2023 18:30

☹️ I find this thread quite sad. Your parents have been more than generous and good spirited and your husband is hell-bent on being the opposite. You must be feeling so sad about it, does your husband generally have a mean streak?

Even if he agrees to it reluctantly now, he's tainted the trip.

Heb1996 · 30/10/2023 18:43

@Ponderingwindow have you heard yourself? These are the OP parents who are obviously elderly and will be doing a 7 hour drive. That is a lot for someone young let alone older. And they’re hoping to stay for a weekend! That’s hardly beyond the pale. It’s her parents. Her DH is being extremely controlling and I wouldn’t put up with it. It’s her house too and I would ask them to stay a week. I certainly wouldn’t be dictated to by my DH telling me how long I can have my parents, or anyone, to stay. You sound as bad as he is.

hohumbumbum · 30/10/2023 18:57

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 11:23

You bought a house, provided a deposit for it, and married a man who refuses to share any financial information with you?

OP, you must be so vulnerable to have made such a series of appallingly ill-judged decisions.

I would be hugely worried for your safety.

You have no idea what you married.

Please tell your parents the truth.

He doesn't want you to have alone time with them.

Do not hesitate to call the police if he becomes aggressive with you.

This. I looked at this thread specifically because I've been thinking about the OP today. She needs to go home with her parents and then sort everything else out.

@Ponderingwindow you couldn't be further off the mark if you tried. The OP has other threads which might make you change your advice.