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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 30/10/2023 08:30

I hope you ringfenced the money your parents gave you for the house.

He’s being a twat.

HerMammy · 30/10/2023 08:32

Good enough to take money off and live rent free off them but begrudges them a visit with their daughter?
You need to put him straight that he's an arsehole and if he doesn't like it he can start repaying the £ he's benefited from,

TheaBrandt · 30/10/2023 08:32

Christ run for hills. My lovely friend married one like this and is now trapped in co parenting divorce hell with an abusive nightmare lunatic whose sole objective is to destroy her as he is so angry she is pushing back on his demands. No one has ever done that to him before.

Morewineplease10 · 30/10/2023 08:34

I'd look at ringfencing any money you can op. Without your DHs knowledge if possible.

In case it doesn't work out.

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

Hope you have a lovely time when your parents visit. I hope your DH does buggar off for a week!

BIossomtoes · 30/10/2023 08:37

HeadacheEarthquake · 30/10/2023 05:04

A 12 hour round trip for a 5 hour visit?

Show quote history

I know. Absolute madness. And getting up at 4am to do it! I think you can safely ignore that one @Martacus , it’s bonkers.

Seriously, I think you’re living with a deeply unreasonable man. Deeply.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 08:42

Springwillcome · 29/10/2023 23:16

Your husband is a controlling creep. You don’t need his permission to have your parents visit your home! Tell him they are coming and tell him that his controlling lack of gratitude or basic politeness is really unattractive. If he loses his temper then you’ve got a bad man there.

There’s very little difference between having guests for 2 days or having them for 3. Usually after a 7 hr drive, parents would usually expect to stay a week!

This isn’t about 2 days versus 3, it’s about your husband seeking to control your relationship with your parents and isolate you. He sounds like a nasty and cruel man, I’d watch your back OP.

This isn’t about 2 days versus 3, it’s about your husband seeking to control your relationship with your parents and isolate you. He sounds like a nasty and cruel man, I’d watch your back OP.

This. Unless there is a massive backstory that you are keeping private, this isn't on.

This is bullying behaviour.

Remind him of everything they have done for you, and that without their help you both wouldn't even have that house to live in. May I ask how your dad tried to "interfere" in your wedding?

tara66 · 30/10/2023 08:43

It would be better if he is away during the visit as he will only be offhand and rude to your P , who no doubt would be shocked and hurt. Good you don't have DC.

PlaidCushionProductions · 30/10/2023 08:43

There’s a back story here! Did your husband not really want to get married and your dad coming is reminding him of being pushed into the planning?

StillWantingADog · 30/10/2023 08:44

Unless there is a back story or drip feed your dh IBVVVU

i’d just ignore him unless there is a specific reason

if he’s usually this U you have a problem on your hands

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 08:46

TheaBrandt · 30/10/2023 08:32

Christ run for hills. My lovely friend married one like this and is now trapped in co parenting divorce hell with an abusive nightmare lunatic whose sole objective is to destroy her as he is so angry she is pushing back on his demands. No one has ever done that to him before.

Men like that hate the women they are with.

The full truth of how much they hate them comes out when these women get pregnant.

So awful.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 08:49

He isn't going to leave you for 7 days over this.

Damn right he isn't!

He will be too worried about what you would tell them, what they might advise you to do, what will be said about him (because it's all about him) - he will stay with you the whole time to monitor all of your words and behaviour.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 08:52

Ponderingwindow · 30/10/2023 01:37

you aren’t asking for 3 days, you are asking for 5. Thursday-Monday is 5 days. It doesn’t matter if they arrive late and leave early on those days, those days still count as part of the disruption to the household and lack of privacy.

if that is the time you want, that is one thing, but don’t pretend it’s just a weekend visit. It makes it seem like you don’t have any respect for other people.

Be honest about what you are asking. Perhaps ending the trip on Sunday would make the Thursday arrival more palatable because there will be no houseguests going in to the work week. Having Sunday evening to recover can be very important.

Thursday-Monday is 5 days.

Only if you are managing an hotel.

regularmumnotacoolmum · 30/10/2023 08:53

YANBU and this is a battle worth fighting x

OhamIreally · 30/10/2023 08:53

"He frequently shouts at you. He wanted you to commit to buying the house, and gladly accepted your family money to help with it, but refused to show you his bank statement so you’d be informed about the amount of his salary and savings. "

I didn't realise this was you OP I'm sorry that things are so bad for you. It was clear that he was planning to financially exploit you on that thread.

Your parents sound lovely and supportive and it's good they are coming to see you. I imagine they have a pretty good idea of what your H is like and will be only too happy to help you leave him.

Don't be held back by embarrassment, bad people do take advantage of good people. Ask for their help.

As far as the house deposit goes yes it's a marital asset now and you may well lose half of it to him but that will be a small price to pay to deliver you out of the hands of this nasty man.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 30/10/2023 08:56

He sounds hateful, because he appears to believe HE gets to decide what happens in your jointly owned home. Absolutely not. I must confess I’m not particularly thrilled when my in laws come to stay but I suck it up and they stay for 4-5 nights as a minimum, because they are elderly and it’s a long trip. I would call that idiots bluff, tell him his going away for 7 nights would make things exponentially easier for you and offer to help him pack. He will back down, I’m absolutely certain. But, I would also use this as an opportunity to begin to redress the imbalance in your relationship. What else does he believe he can dictate? I struggle to believe it’s only this…….

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 09:01

OhamIreally · 30/10/2023 08:53

"He frequently shouts at you. He wanted you to commit to buying the house, and gladly accepted your family money to help with it, but refused to show you his bank statement so you’d be informed about the amount of his salary and savings. "

I didn't realise this was you OP I'm sorry that things are so bad for you. It was clear that he was planning to financially exploit you on that thread.

Your parents sound lovely and supportive and it's good they are coming to see you. I imagine they have a pretty good idea of what your H is like and will be only too happy to help you leave him.

Don't be held back by embarrassment, bad people do take advantage of good people. Ask for their help.

As far as the house deposit goes yes it's a marital asset now and you may well lose half of it to him but that will be a small price to pay to deliver you out of the hands of this nasty man.

This is excellent advice.

I'll bet @OhamIreally is right, and your parents know (or at least suspect) and are worried sick about you.

Your "D"H buggering off for a week would be the best thing that could happen - you could have a real heart-to-heart. (But he won't leave, will he? He'll want to know what's going on.)

StillWantingADog · 30/10/2023 09:10

I’m sorry you have married a bully.

tell him your parents are coming on your terms. If he leaves for a week, excellent. Plenty of time for you to change the locks.

Glittertwins · 30/10/2023 09:13

Mine used to stay anywhere between 3 and 5 nights as they are at least 3.5 hours drive away. Now we have to move bedrooms around a bit with the DC, they tend to come for a long weekend in term time and a bit longer in school holidays but at no point has DH ever said there is a maximum amount of time nor has he ever hinted.

ForfarFourEastFifeFive · 30/10/2023 09:18

Seeing the backstory from other posters, I am clear about what sort of man he is. He is abusive and controlling. He only wants your parents there when he can be there too, so he can control what you do and say. He chose to move 7 hours away to isolate you. OP, this is a completely by-the-book abuser, and he won’t stop or get better. Do not go to marriage counselling with him, and ahove all, do not get pregnant.

Get your parents to come, or better still, take off and go to them on your own. Tell them everything. They will want to help you get out of this situation. Good luck.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 09:22

He is being very U - and banning you from talking about it or asking again is borderline abusive. Certainly not a healthy way to resolve a dispute, nor is his threat to leave for a week.

Why can't he tell you WHY he doesn't want them to stay? Sounds like your h is trying to be Billy Big-Bollocks, throwing his weight around just because he can.

Does your h have form for arguing with people in general?

LizzyLongbow · 30/10/2023 09:22

Christ. What a horrible man. How do you have any respect for him?

CissOff · 30/10/2023 09:26

Another one chiming in to say what an absolute cockwomble your husband sounds.

I would be telling him to get to fuck if he tried to dictate to me.

I am a spiteful cow and would tell them to go home on Tuesday morning instead 🙃

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 09:27

Sorry, @Martacus, I've just searched your other threads.

You've been wanting to leave this man for some time, haven't you? When your parents are here, why don't you tell them everything and ask for their support? They will want to help you. I'd want to help my dc.

Your h is a controlling bully. You deserve better.

Toooldtoworry · 30/10/2023 09:28

Honestly seeing the back story from others makes me think you should get legal advice tbh.

Weddingpuzzle · 30/10/2023 09:29

I had one of these OP. He disliked my parents because he was a controlling bully. He wouldn't share his financial position with me because he was a controlling bully. He slept in the hospital bed after I'd had a baby (before the outraged MW kicked him out of it) because he was a controlling bully. He wouldn't let me put the heating on or have sugar in the house, because he was a controlling bully. He kicked me out of bed in a drunken rage and broke my ribs, because he was a controlling bully. He bit a chunk out of my shoulder because a taxi over charged him, because he was a controlling bully.

If I can give you one piece of advice it is this: don't have a baby with this man because you will have to deal with him for decades. If you won't leave him (yet) please don't get pregnant by him. Take it from someone who has learnt the hard way.

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