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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 14/11/2023 07:52

Your husband is being manipulative and an arse. I would tell him that you are reinstating the visit, and if he can't work without them there he is welcome to relocate to a hotel for the duration.

It's your house too, and you have a right to share it for three days with your parents.

crumblingschools · 14/11/2023 08:02

If you told your parents they could still come, what would his reaction be?

ladykale · 14/11/2023 08:29

ShatteredPeace · 14/11/2023 07:44

Oh OP, that's not good. It's not normal for your husband to do that, especially now knowing your parents can't come for months. Unless he's booked something else as a surprise and that's why he's being so odd, there's no excuse for doing that. This is control.

Second this - ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL,

Don't have kids with this man. He is the type who will show his true colours even more when you are pregnant and vulnerable.

If your mum wants to come to live with you for a few weeks to look after the baby, what will he say.

Lacks respect for you to go behind your back and cancel. You should tell your parents to ignore his email and still come (and explain the scenario to them, as he is banking if you not exposing him)

Sugarfree23 · 14/11/2023 08:50

Op how are you feeling?
Are you seeing 👀 the controlling and manipulating behaviour?

We are nearly at the end of the year you have saw your parents once, for a family wedding. That is not normal. Really not normal. Even with a 7hr drive or short flight away, couples of times a year is much more normal.

Are you frightened of splitting with him? Is it finances that make that idea hard?
Do you think this is one off behaviour?
Op is it you think abuse is the woman with a black eye?

Op is he controlling in other ways, money, what you wear, your job, what about your friends?

Op my best advice is go to your parents fly, train, drive go see your parents, even if it means meeting half way, or working from their house.
He made the decision to cancel them. He cannot stop you visiting them.

Superlambaanana · 14/11/2023 09:10

I think you're constant justification of your husband's behaviour (he's ok, I'm ok, my parents are ok - it's all ok) is at odds with coming on here and asking if it's normal or ok to be upset with him. You've got to sh1t or get off the pot on this. You're either prepared to put with with an emotionally abusive relationship for the rest of your life or you rip off the bandaid and leave. The short term turmoil of leaving will reveal the opportunity for a happy life and while that might be hard to see now, you know it deep down. Don't be soothed by kind posts here into thinking it is ok. It is not ok for this man to act this way. I suspect if you had a conversation with your parents or friends and told them you are thinking of leaving that would open the floodgates of support for you to get out. They simply aren't telling you that at the moment because you're too far down the rabbit hole and they know it would upset you.

StarShipControl · 14/11/2023 09:22

If your husband suddenly doesn't have work that weekend, for whatever reason, please take note that it was all controlling bs and you should see through any lies and excuses.

LightSpeeds · 14/11/2023 09:31

He's a bloody controlling arse and I am enraged on your parents' behalf!

Bloody twat 🤬

Zanina · 14/11/2023 09:33

Very very sly. He is trying to have the power in the relationship and is pushing your boundaries. If you can, leave for a few days. It will be much more effective now then getting angry later when you're full of resentment. And I think I'd be telling him to repay his portion of the money back to your parents... Sorry op but you have a lifetime of resentment waiting for you ahead xx

Hairyfairy01 · 14/11/2023 09:46

LTB. His behaviour is not normal, it's controlling and he is starting to isolate you from those who love and care for you. You obviously haven't told your parents about his issue with the extra day, presumably because you know that it paints him in a bad light. And you are right, it does. He will not get better, things will get worse. You are already second guessing yourself. I appreciate you have just brought a house together but things will only get messier the longer you leave it. Do not have children by this man!

BonjourCrisette · 14/11/2023 10:01

@Martacus You know in your heart this isn't OK. You wouldn't be asking unless you had some doubts. I wish you the strength to do something about it. I am sure your parents will help you if you can just get up the impetus to tell them what is happening.

Oscarlimadelta1 · 14/11/2023 11:42

Martacus · 14/11/2023 00:22

Thank you all. Am touched by the kindness in some of these posts.

To clarify, when my husband emailed my parents, it wasn't that he just cancelled the visit and left it at that. He did say he wanted to see them, and he suggested other weekends before Christmas. But my parents are already tied up those weekends (as I had told him would probs be the case), and they probably now won't be able to visit till the spring (to avoid driving a long distance in Jan/Feb when whether is bad).

I will of course go up and see them.

I spoke to my parents about it today. They know I'm upset about it. They told me not to worry about it, that they don't mind (maybe to protect me from embarrassment?) and seem to be trying to be understanding about my husband's attitude (they said he obviously doesn't like having visitors in the house when he's working, and we need to be patient with that).

However, they don't know that he had refused to let them stay an extra day, for no good reason (the work thing wasn't on the table then). That's what was most baffling and unreasonable.

It's not baffling. It as clear as the nose on your face. There will always be an excuse. What normal person does that. By accepting this you are choosing to support a bully against your parents. Which makes you worse than your husband. Unless you are minimising your parents behaviour towards your husband...

WaltzingWaters · 14/11/2023 12:02

given yesterdays update I’d be beyond livid and highly consider ending the relationship over this. Your DH sounds like a complete controlling dick. Please take peoples advice here and see how awful he is. Such a cruel and controlling thing for him to do.

oneproudmumma · 14/11/2023 13:10

I find this really hard to read. I have been where you are and I had two DC with him so he is still in my life even though we have been apart now for longer than we were together.

Please don't have children with this man!!

Your H won't change. He's an abusive, controlling man. Keep your parents close and confide in them about him. You will need your family around you in the months/years ahead. Do NOT let him succeed in isolating you from your family.

I can recommend a book: Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It explains a lot and may help you see things for what they are.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 14/11/2023 13:19

You are walking on eggshells and falling over yourself to appease this twat. You are a grown woman, and you are allowed to have your parents stay in your house if you want to. He’s not the boss of you.

PaminaMozart · 14/11/2023 13:35

BonjourCrisette · 14/11/2023 10:01

@Martacus You know in your heart this isn't OK. You wouldn't be asking unless you had some doubts. I wish you the strength to do something about it. I am sure your parents will help you if you can just get up the impetus to tell them what is happening.

This ^

And this:

you're constant justification of your husband's behaviour (he's ok, I'm ok, my parents are ok - it's all ok) is at odds with coming on here and asking if it's normal or ok to be upset with him. You've got to sh1t or get off the pot on this. You're either prepared to put with with an emotionally abusive relationship for the rest of your life or you rip off the bandaid and leave.

OP's responses are really odd. Very flat and disengaged. Focusing on the superficial - the practical issues relating to her parents proposed visit - as opposed to what is really going on, i.e. she is married to a controlling bully who will never acknowledge or accept her as an equal partner in the marriage. He is playing the worst kind of abusive games with her and probably gets an immense kick out of seeing her emotional distress.

oneproudmumma · 14/11/2023 14:40

@PaminaMozart I don't necessarily think OPs replies are odd: I find them in line with how I would expect someone who has been controlled to that extent to behave. She's been conditioned to believe that the relationship is normal, which it isn't of course. There's also perhaps a little emotional detachment there, which could be a good thing. I think that's the only thing that kept me sane during my abusive relationship.

Inthegrotto · 14/11/2023 15:19

oneproudmumma · 14/11/2023 14:40

@PaminaMozart I don't necessarily think OPs replies are odd: I find them in line with how I would expect someone who has been controlled to that extent to behave. She's been conditioned to believe that the relationship is normal, which it isn't of course. There's also perhaps a little emotional detachment there, which could be a good thing. I think that's the only thing that kept me sane during my abusive relationship.

Agreed. OP has been conditioned.

I feel very sad for OP and for her parents. The parents are in a very difficult position.

How can OP be woken up to the fact that he is being controlling?

oneproudmumma · 14/11/2023 15:32

@Inthegrotto
The responses she gets in this thread will stay in her head: well meaning advice from strangers, some of whom have been in her shoes and can see clearly what sort of relationship she is in. After that, it is down to OP as and when she ends it. I'm sure she will.

Many many years ago under a different name, I started a thread on here about my now ex fiance, about how he hated my parents but fully expected my father to pay for our wedding. 😬 I was accused of being a troll, some people thought it was a wind up. I asked for the thread to be deleted as I just couldn't handle it all, it was very overwhelming - but the replies stayed with me...

I never did marry him. I split up with him and I went on to marry my lovely DH a few years later 😊

PaminaMozart · 14/11/2023 15:35

Sorry, I probably didn't choose my words well. I meant 'odd' in the sense that this is not how people would be expected to react if everything else was 'normal'. I fully accept that the OP has been conditioned to accept abuse and is trying to detach from the horrors of her situation in order to protect herself.

oneproudmumma · 14/11/2023 16:08

@PaminaMozart Oh I see, yes, your observation was very good in that you are right. The OP has normalised her H's behaviour and the words seem quite "flat". This can also indicate that she's worn out by it all though, which is also common, and resigned to the situation. It makes me very sad because I have been in her shoes and remember all the emotions well.

Sugarfree23 · 14/11/2023 16:26

@PaminaMozart you nailed it with the word flat.
I was thinking the responses were emotionless, submissive or something but flat is it.

ILs aren't my favourite people, and I might have been relieved to escape an IL visit, however if I was to go behind DHs back and cancel a visit I think that would cause a complete riot between DH and I.

soberfabulous · 14/11/2023 16:27

Gosh don't tell him about my parents.

They have a 17 hour journey to get to me and regularly stay for 3 weeks. Their maximum was 28 days and to be fair that nearly broke me 🤪

Justcallmebebes · 14/11/2023 16:55

Vile man

Princessfluffy · 14/11/2023 17:02

Where is your anger OP?
Why are you so invested in tying yourself up in knots to make excuses for your dreadful husband.

You can leave this relationship, it's not healthy and everyone else can see it but you seemingly? But you do know something is deeply wrong with your DH. Were you brought up in a family where this kind of dynamic was normal?

CynicalOne · 14/11/2023 17:04

Sugarfree23 · 14/11/2023 01:17

Op he's making the right noises but he already knows that they have other plans. Your shielding them from his true colours.

Can you work from home? Are you able to go to your parents place for a week or even mid-week to mid-week. H will be busy the weekend they'd planned to be down. You go to them. Don't let him come between you and the people who truly love and care for you.

Eventually when you hit rock bottom with him, you will need them.

H will be busy the weekend they'd planned to be down.

Call me cynical, but I guarantee that if @Martacus was to make plans to go to her parents for a midweek to midweek visit over that weekend, her H would suddenly be told that he didn't need to work!

It's all about manipulation and control and I worry what he would do if OP said she wanted a divorce!