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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
theconfidenceofwho · 13/11/2023 16:26

jessycake · 13/11/2023 15:24

I think he would soon be my ex husband

Absolutely. That is shocking Op & if you let him do this, it'll only get worse. I'm so sorry for you.

MsDogLady · 13/11/2023 16:29

For me, I sometimes I feel I’m strong enough to leave my husband, but it’s not long before I am flooded with doubts.

He has been really unfair on me financially since accepting my family money for buying the house. He often shouts at me.

You wrote the above in September. You’ve also commented about his being ‘basically unreasonable … and really hard to reason with.’ You’ve referenced making excuses for him even though in your heart you know the truth.

@Martacus, you can’t be surprised that your despicable H has sabotaged your parents’ visit. He is a mean-spirited, controlling bully who gets a kick from mistreating you and your parents.

It’s troubling that you need to ask AIBU for being upset by this.

How much more of his contempt will you tolerate? Will this appalling episode be the impetus for you to finally leave this abusive marriage?

Princessfluffy · 13/11/2023 17:54

This is a very unhealthy relationship OP. Why are you tolerating this kind of mistreatment? Set your bar higher and fgs don't have kids with this bullying control freak.

KnackeredandWiser · 13/11/2023 21:54

I'm sorry OP but if your husband actually loved and cared about you he wouldn't stop you from spending time with your parents. He's a controlling and abusive twat. And the fact that he went behind your back to email them telling them not to visit is just proof of that.

As others have pointed out, there will be no weekends that will work for him, ever. There will always be a reason or an excuse as to why it is inconvenient and why they cannot visit.

Don't waste anymore time. Leave the fucker and divorce him. Let him spend all the time he craves alone in the tiny house or flat that his half of the house sale gives him.

Honestly, anyone who seeks to deprive their partner from spending time with their family and loved ones isn't a good person. Pack your bags and leave him and go home to your family.

feelingfree17 · 13/11/2023 22:48

Oh good grief, that is next level control.

Seriously, you need to get out of this marriage.
I feel so sorry for you and your parents.

YesCorrect · 13/11/2023 23:00

Sorry to hear. Are his parents allowed to stay? Either way what's a big deal for them to stay? DH probably holds a grudge against someone

billy1966 · 13/11/2023 23:08

Your poor parents.

They must be so worried and concerned for you.

Hard to believe you would allow them to be treated like this and then carry on, after all they have done for you, and as a couple.

They have only ever been wonderful to you always, and their pay back is this humiliation at the hands of your husband and you need to query is his behaviour reasonable?

Namechange0519 · 13/11/2023 23:34

I think it’s plain rude of your husband to do this! Especially after your parents have helped so much.

he’s not even a thought about how you feel about seeing them.. not seen them this year and won’t be at Christmas either.

if it was me, I would be livid..

I think the weekend not suiting due to work reasons is a load of rubbish, he never gave you this explanation prior to this and just say ‘it’s too long’.

Sorry to be blunt about it but what if your parents took seriously ill or worse!

ive not read your other post but read snippets on this thread but you should re-read what you have written and ask yourself, if this was your friend, what would your advice be?

im sorry you’re in this situation at the moment, your parents sound like lovely lovely people and I’m sure they would support you should you chose to end your marriage. It must be so hard and painful for you.

sending hugs xx

Original poster
Martacus · 14/11/2023 00:22

Thank you all. Am touched by the kindness in some of these posts.

To clarify, when my husband emailed my parents, it wasn't that he just cancelled the visit and left it at that. He did say he wanted to see them, and he suggested other weekends before Christmas. But my parents are already tied up those weekends (as I had told him would probs be the case), and they probably now won't be able to visit till the spring (to avoid driving a long distance in Jan/Feb when whether is bad).

I will of course go up and see them.

I spoke to my parents about it today. They know I'm upset about it. They told me not to worry about it, that they don't mind (maybe to protect me from embarrassment?) and seem to be trying to be understanding about my husband's attitude (they said he obviously doesn't like having visitors in the house when he's working, and we need to be patient with that).

However, they don't know that he had refused to let them stay an extra day, for no good reason (the work thing wasn't on the table then). That's what was most baffling and unreasonable.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 14/11/2023 01:17

Op he's making the right noises but he already knows that they have other plans. Your shielding them from his true colours.

Can you work from home? Are you able to go to your parents place for a week or even mid-week to mid-week. H will be busy the weekend they'd planned to be down. You go to them. Don't let him come between you and the people who truly love and care for you.

Eventually when you hit rock bottom with him, you will need them.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 14/11/2023 01:33

Your husband is an abusive twat trying to isolate you from your parents.

Please do not have children with this man, it will be hell.

MidnightMeltdown · 14/11/2023 01:56

I've not read the whole thread but I'm sorry to say that your husband sounds highly controlling and abusive. It's not clear why you are putting up with this and letting him dictate who you're allowed to have in your own home.

If I were in your shoes I would leave him over this. Run away fast.

NovemberName · 14/11/2023 02:36

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 14/11/2023 01:33

Your husband is an abusive twat trying to isolate you from your parents.

Please do not have children with this man, it will be hell.

Please OP be careful with this one. He's not a good one. I bet there is much more you put up with and don't realise how bad it is.

This is NOT an equal relationship.

Please please please don't have kids with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2023 04:17

They told me not to worry about it, that they don't mind (maybe to protect me from embarrassment?)

I bet that privately at home, they're hoping you come to your senses and break up with him,

Hearmenow23 · 14/11/2023 04:48

There will never be another weekend.

Time to plan your exit.

Marmighty · 14/11/2023 04:57

Leave him. It will never get better. Do not have children with him.

Noicant · 14/11/2023 05:07

Just leave for gods sake, you are wasting your precious life on a controlling abusive prick. You don’t get another chance at this, this is it, this is your life. Just get a divorce! You will end up completely isolated, do not let this happen to you! Your parents sound lovely but I cannot tell you if I were your mum how much I would loathe your husband and how desperate I would be for you to just chuck the bastard out.

Noicant · 14/11/2023 05:08

If you had a daughter is this what you would want her life to look like? Even your parents walk on eggshells around him. You are giving him more power by capitulating all the time.

tuitui · 14/11/2023 05:29

Sorry OP but like most people said, your DH does sound controlling. He dared to email them to basically ask them to cancel the trip without your consent!? That would have triggered a big fight if it happened to me.

My parents (12 hrs flight away) have stayed with us for a few months in a small house and they dont even speak English. DH was ok with it because he knew its a long way and Im an only child. We arent able to see mmy parents every year due to distance, but when we do its usually weeks or months ether at ours or theirs.

From what I read you have a bigger problem than if your patents can stay longger. Lets forget about the patents staying over for a bit, are you happy with this man in genral? Is he kind to you and other people? This can not be an one off behavior, its shows how he doesnt respect / care about you. Only you know how your marriage is, you need to be honest with yourself.

SundayAlready · 14/11/2023 05:40

I think he is mentally ill, and it will get worse.
Protect yourself

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2023 05:48

Oh my god, OP. I can’t believe he did that. In my marriage that would be pretty unforgivable. He’s got no right to unilaterally cancel plans that don’t even affect him.

He’s extremely controlling. Whatever the reasons that he is, you don’t need to understand, compensate or fix. You need to think very VERY seriously about leaving. Because he’s just shown you that even if you attempt to be independent of his control he will insist on dominating. He can’t compromise so you shouldn’t compromise your life to stay with him.

user1492757084 · 14/11/2023 05:54

Your husband is sly.
As sly as they get.
How could you respect someone who treated you like that?
The fact that he messaged them and cancelled without your knowledge is unforgivable.

Did you tell him that it was your call to communicate as you were arranging the visit and that he was deceiptful and displaying very unattractive qualities.

user1492757084 · 14/11/2023 05:58

You should not be fine with your husband working in your home anymore. It's rubbish that he controls the whole household with his work. I would be demanding that his boss affords him an office space outside of your home.

Toooldtoworry · 14/11/2023 06:41

@Martacus my ex husband started off the way yours is being. Then he isolated me from my family to the point we didn't speak for 3 years. Then when I got pregnant he started beating me.

The day I gave birth I decided to leave.

My parents were there in a heart beat.

Please don't have a baby with this man. Please start preparing yourself to leave quietly, but tell your parents so you have accountability.

ShatteredPeace · 14/11/2023 07:44

Oh OP, that's not good. It's not normal for your husband to do that, especially now knowing your parents can't come for months. Unless he's booked something else as a surprise and that's why he's being so odd, there's no excuse for doing that. This is control.

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