Page 17 | Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

Martacus · 2023-10-29T22:53:23+00:00

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc. I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons. I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area. But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend. He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space. For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

Arrestedforit · 13/11/2023 13:51

VestPantsandSocks · 13/11/2023 12:39

Your husband's behaviour is unacceptable and totally contrary to a loving marriage.

It's a short marriage. Leave him now.

As it will get worse.
And you will NEVER change him.

This, and only this! And I'm really sorry you are in the position OP.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/11/2023 13:56

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 13:38

I dont think that he should have done it. However, he had told you that he doesnt want your parents to say for three days and you ignored him. Frankly Thurs to Monday is not three days. It's a very long time, especially if you partner is not keen. I think most people on MN wouldnt be happy if their MIL or PIL insisted on coming for that long and then the go behind the wife's back to arrange it.

@zdjptee

come on now, Thursday to Monday is not a “very long time” especially for parents who live so far away ! And especially as op has already said she will take care of sorting the food, keep out of his way etc.

so he needs to just put up and shut up

are you one of those people who can’t deal with having people in your house or something?

Mylovelygreendress · 13/11/2023 13:57

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 13:38

I dont think that he should have done it. However, he had told you that he doesnt want your parents to say for three days and you ignored him. Frankly Thurs to Monday is not three days. It's a very long time, especially if you partner is not keen. I think most people on MN wouldnt be happy if their MIL or PIL insisted on coming for that long and then the go behind the wife's back to arrange it.

Did you read the OP and updates ?

Islandgirl68 · 13/11/2023 14:03

Maybe because he is not the Boss of her, they were coming Thursday night leaving first thing on Monday, so it is only 3 full days and 4 nights. She has every right to invite her parents to stay in her house.

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:04

I did....she says that DH doesnt want them to come for longer than two days. She actually wanted her parents to come from Thurs to Monday - which is a hell of a lot longer than two days. She went against his wishes and he cancelled them. Having been on MN for ages, this would have been standard advice to a wife whose DH wasnt listening to her wishes - i.e. reach out to the in-laws yourself and tell them it doesnt work for you. Saying that in-laws should come for longer than a weekend is not unreasonable.

tableanadchairs · 13/11/2023 14:13

and DH went against OP's wishes by cancelling visit
He is a twat
My first LTB

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:17

Well to be fair, she went against his wishes first.........if this was a wife, then she would be supported for standing firm with her boundaries. He said he is happy to have them over but for a shorter amount of time and she went behind his back. At the very least, they are as bad as each other

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 13/11/2023 14:21

I would be absolutely furious with him, how dare he!?
Could you go and visit them instead? I can’t imagine how disappointed they must feel.

sandyhappypeople · 13/11/2023 14:27

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:04

I did....she says that DH doesnt want them to come for longer than two days. She actually wanted her parents to come from Thurs to Monday - which is a hell of a lot longer than two days. She went against his wishes and he cancelled them. Having been on MN for ages, this would have been standard advice to a wife whose DH wasnt listening to her wishes - i.e. reach out to the in-laws yourself and tell them it doesnt work for you. Saying that in-laws should come for longer than a weekend is not unreasonable.

It’s 3 days instead of 2, not really a hell of a lot longer.

I think if a woman posted on here that her husband had asked his parents to come and visit, but because it’s a 7 hour drive he’d asked them from late Thursday to early Monday, but she didn’t want that because for no apparent reason she only wanted them there 2 days not 3 she WOULD be told she’s unreasonable, it IS unreasonable.

if there was a good reason she didn’t want to agree to that however.. different story, but OPs husband hasn’t offered a reason he’s just declared that it ‘doesn’t work for him’ and refused to elaborate further.. in other words he doesn’t want them there that long and his decision is final, to the point where HE has now cancelled the trip altogether because he wasn’t getting his own way .. how can you be defending those actions from any ‘loving’ partner.

they aren’t HiS guests to disinvite, they’re OPs so unless he has a good reason for single handedly deciding the length ALL guests can stay then he’s just doing it to assert his control.. what a prick.

sandyhappypeople · 13/11/2023 14:31

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:17

Well to be fair, she went against his wishes first.........if this was a wife, then she would be supported for standing firm with her boundaries. He said he is happy to have them over but for a shorter amount of time and she went behind his back. At the very least, they are as bad as each other

why do his wishes overrule hers?

they’re HER guests, she’s in more of a position to determine the length of time they stay.

anotherweek · 13/11/2023 14:32

Tricky, I guess you're both ignoring the other's preference and can't find a compromise. We don't know what his issue is with it all but some people are 'my home is my castle'. If your parents are able to stay longer with their friends nearby before coming to you would that help? You can still meet up with them, just leave DH out of it on the Friday. I know that's him getting his way largely but you don't want to insert your parents into a huge domestic row. You really need to sit down and discuss this.

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:38

@sandyhappypeople he cancelled on them because his partner went behind his back. That's very unreasonable. She disregarded his position - and just ignored him. If that was a husband doing that and imposing his mother on the wife while she was trying to work, MN would be livid. It's also not three days - it's Thursday evening to Monday morning....a lot longer than just the weekend.

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:40

The point is they need to find a compromise that works for both of them, not just ignore each other while bringing other people into it. For example, can they come and see their new house for two days and then the OP just goes to her parents more often. Or they come for the whole time but stay in a hotel. There are so many different ways to resolve this, without going behind each others' back

DappledThings · 13/11/2023 14:45

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:40

The point is they need to find a compromise that works for both of them, not just ignore each other while bringing other people into it. For example, can they come and see their new house for two days and then the OP just goes to her parents more often. Or they come for the whole time but stay in a hotel. There are so many different ways to resolve this, without going behind each others' back

They live a 7 hour drive away. 4 nights is a massive compromise already. I'd be expecting my parents to stay for a week minimum from that distance. 2 nights is incredibly short and as OP was going to take her parents out and doing all the hosting it makes no difference to the husband that is at all reasonable. It's entirely about control.

StarShipControl · 13/11/2023 14:46

@zdjptee she wants her parents who live 7 hrs away, to come and relax for a few days. She's promised her dh that she'd keep them out of his way and will do everything.
This is not at all unreasonable.

If it was the other way around and dh wanted his parents over for as many days as he wanted because they hadn't been around to see the new house, and he promised to keep out of her way and do all the cooking then she would be unreasonable for objecting.

It's not a regular occurrence and is only a few days.

NearlyMonday · 13/11/2023 14:53

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:40

The point is they need to find a compromise that works for both of them, not just ignore each other while bringing other people into it. For example, can they come and see their new house for two days and then the OP just goes to her parents more often. Or they come for the whole time but stay in a hotel. There are so many different ways to resolve this, without going behind each others' back

This

sandyhappypeople · 13/11/2023 14:54

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:38

@sandyhappypeople he cancelled on them because his partner went behind his back. That's very unreasonable. She disregarded his position - and just ignored him. If that was a husband doing that and imposing his mother on the wife while she was trying to work, MN would be livid. It's also not three days - it's Thursday evening to Monday morning....a lot longer than just the weekend.

No she didn’t go behind his back, she carried out the plans that she had already informed him of and told him what she’s arranged, he was well aware of the plans and the reason for exceptional circumstances and gave no reason why they couldn’t be carried out so she went ahead, it’s not up to him to dictate how long her guests can stay. ‘I don’t feel like it’ just doesn’t cut it I’m afraid.

they hosted op and her husband rent free for a year and he can’t give them one extra day so they don’t have to drive 14 hours in 2 days? NOHING you say will make me think he’s not a prick and if the roles were reversed the same would apply a million times over.

OhComeOnFFS · 13/11/2023 14:54

Are you otherwise happily married? He sounds absolutely awful. I can't think what redeeming features he could have to make up for the way he's treating you and your lovely parents.

Morechocmorechoc · 13/11/2023 14:54

Did you then call them, apologise for his behaviour and tell them to ignore his email. Or did you let them cancel everything.

Bookworm1111 · 13/11/2023 15:04

Has your DH always been a bully, @Martacus ? He's bullied you and your parents into cancelling the trip and you just know it will happen again the next time you try to arrange it. He's fixed it so you have absolutely zero say in who stays at your house and when and for how long. Thurs-Mon is not a lengthy stay when they are seven hours away!

I would be seriously rethinking the marriage.

TheCrystalPalace · 13/11/2023 15:05

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in any WhatsApp groups amongst the wider family.
He has made a complete arse of himself and everyone will be thinking very poorly of him. Not sure there's a way back for him, really.

Mylovelygreendress · 13/11/2023 15:07

zdjptee · 13/11/2023 14:04

I did....she says that DH doesnt want them to come for longer than two days. She actually wanted her parents to come from Thurs to Monday - which is a hell of a lot longer than two days. She went against his wishes and he cancelled them. Having been on MN for ages, this would have been standard advice to a wife whose DH wasnt listening to her wishes - i.e. reach out to the in-laws yourself and tell them it doesnt work for you. Saying that in-laws should come for longer than a weekend is not unreasonable.

Arriving Thursday evening leaving first thing Monday morning? 7 hours drive each way ? And that’s unreasonable given how much money they gave OP for the house that her husband benefits from?
As with so many threads , there is a huge backstory.,

MrsCarson · 13/11/2023 15:23

He sounds like a right arse.
Controlling and miserable too.
I think he may well have overplayed his hand here and they'll be no coming back from this.
Take control of your life OP.

SomeCatFromJapan · 13/11/2023 15:24

OP dump this sorry cunt, seriously.

jessycake · 13/11/2023 15:24

I think he would soon be my ex husband