Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

[Martacus]

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

Are you ok OP?

Do you really want to stay with this man?

Thanks again all. I told him this weekend that my parents are coming to stay on the weekend we had discussed (which is a month from now), for three whole days. This got him very annoyed because, as detailed in my OP, he strongly objected to more than 2 full days.

My parents have made plans around those dates, and fixed up to stay with some of their old friends nearby before staying with us, to make a trip of it. They were excited about seeing us in our new home.

However, my husband then said that the weekend didn't suit him at all because of things he has on at work. He had previously said that the weekend itself 'should be ok' - and hadn't mentioned anything to do with work - so I had just given my parents the dates (though I knew he wouldn't be happy about the extra day - but I just thought he was being so unreasonable). But he said I hadn't got a definite 'yes' from him for that weekend (which I guess is true).

I told my husband that we would all be very considerate if he has to do any work on the weekend, and keep out his way. I said I'd take my parents out to the theatre on the Thursday evening if he has late calls. He has his own separate study. I would look after them and sort all the food etc.

But today my husband emailed my parents to tell them that the weekend didn't suit him because of his work. I had pleaded with him not to. My husband says 'I'm sure your parents can do another weekend'.

AIBU to feel really upset about this? My parents have had to cancel the whole visit. I feel embarrassed and sad that it's turned out like this.

Your DH is a controlling dick. I would be absolutely livid if my DH ever behaved like this.

Op cancel him.
I know people are often quick to say split / LTB on MN but he's controlling you. He's also trying to cut you off from your family.

Having kids with him would be a nightmare. Cut your losses and find someone else

You never answered why you ended up 7hrs from your family but I'm guessing it was to suit DH.

Wow get out before you have kids with him

It won't get better it's not his house it's yours as well

Hi @Sugarfree23 , it actually wasn't because of my husband that we're 7 hours away. We are here in a big city due to work, and we met here.

^^ this. My DH wouldn't do this, most partners wouldn't. Would you OP? He sounds horrible

I would think really carefully about this and consider divorcing him.

If he will not say why he doesn’t want your parents there for 3-4 days, then you have to conclude that he is mean (to them) and controlling (of you). I could accept his position if he explained it: eg something that really bothers him about your parents’ behaviour or habits.

He sounds uncommunicative and moody. Do you really want this set up for life? It shouldn’t be such hard work. If you have kids with him, it will only get worse.

@Mothership4two no I wouldn't! I would just go with the flow, enjoy the extra nice food that was laid on, and excuse myself politely if I had to go upstairs to work.

14 pages of advice, @Martacus . And here you are.

I always suspected he'd find a way to sabotage your parents' visit.

Get out now, I implore you. Because if you don't, you WILL be back here looking for advice for even worse situations in years to come.

In the meantime, nail your contraception, please do.

And save yourself.

This is horrible. He actually went behind your back to sabotage the visit?! As others say, I'd be reconsidering this relationship.

In the meantime, is there a nice hotel no more than a couple of hours away uiu can take your parents for that same weekend? And I'd also be rethinking Christmas plans. Cancel anything with his family and go and see yours instead.

He will continually sabotage anything that you do that he can't control.

There must be many things he's done. Some you may have just dismissed. There will be many in the future if you stay with him. Don't stay.

He was saying that they can come another weekend, and that most other weekends suit him better.

That may be true, but now that the trip is all arranged, it feels so awful that it's cancelled. And it's not like my parents can take off and drive the length of the country at the drop of a hat (they are busy).

Also, I told my husband he can do his own thing while they're here, if he wants.

I'd be livid if I was you and I would tell my parents to come anyway, because fuck him, what has work got to do with them coming? If he's got a separate office and you guys are going to be out and about it will make absolutely no difference to him whether they are there or not.

He's only using work as an excuse because he's angry you overruled his decision. I would never fall in line like this and neither should you.

He was saying that they can come another weekend, and that most other weekends suit him better.

Ask them to come another weekend (sooner rather than later) for a week or two.

He has rudely overruled you to get his own way.

how very demeaning

Doubtful they would come now @sandyhappypeople - they won't want to be rude or cause a scene. You are right though!

Well they’ve arranged it now so it’s too bad if it doesn’t suit your husband. How horrible, controlling and upsetting. I couldn’t stay in a marriage like this. He’s not a nice person.

What a terrible situation you are in @Martacus.

I think if my DH acted like this, I would leave!

Even though, there were times that my DH didn’t want to go and stay with my family, as he felt uncomfortable (different cultures and religions, so especially around religious holidays), over time, he got used to them - they went out of their way to make him feel included (only speaking English if he was in the room, showing an interest in his job, etc.), and if there had come a time when he acted like this, I would have left him, because I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t/wouldn’t accept that I’m close to my family, and I definitely wouldn’t be with someone who acted like your husband!

It may be that he is the most considerate, kindest man in earth and we are only getting a snapshot of his (quite horrendous, controlling, disrespectful and disgusting) behaviour.

Most worrying about this whole scenario (and others you have posted about) is his sheer determination to drive a wedge between you and your parents. Call them when he’s not about and tell them to come on that weekend. Tell them that you’ve made arrangements for their visit and that your H has only just told you he’s working, but that it doesn’t matter because you want to see them, and that they will still have time to see H when he’s not working (unless he works 16 hours per day, doesn’t eat and is closeted in his study if not asleep).

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

shame really, his face would have been a picture if they'd have rocked up on the Thursday night!

'What email?? oh dear, it must have gone into our spam, never mind we're here now, get the kettle on.'

oh my heavens i've just read your update, i'm so so very sorry op this does not bode well.
controlling and nasty and going behind your back, even some gas lighting in there.
oh my oh my this relationship will not survive long, it's not well balanced at all.

your parents plan and your ideas would not have interfered with him and his at all.
he's a sick in the head nasty piece of work.
i'm sure your parents have picked up on this and hopefully they will be your rock should you need to seek refuge with them.

Your hubby is being unreasonable and you should put him in his place , it’s your home too and you have the right to invite who you wish

He sounds a total arse. He has gone behind your back and emailed your parents despite your extremely reasonable compromise of taking parents out in the evening and doing everything so that he is not inconvenienced by them.
I am sorry but I would not be with my husband if he acted the way your one has, totally unreasonable, shite communicate and mean spirited.

Go and stay with your parents for a long weekend while you work out what to do.

So did your parents then call you and ask what on earth was going on? (As most parents would if their son in law cancelled a visit arranged by their daughter)

Or are they as unassertive as you?