Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Martacus · 01/11/2023 00:47

Hi @Weddingpuzzle I'm so sorry you sent went through that with your ex. That sounds terrible.

OP posts:
Montaguez · 01/11/2023 00:47

My in-laws lived a 6hr drive from us. We only ever visited them for the day. We just set off really early, up 4am, get kids from bed to car and set off at 4.30am. Chuck over some drinks and snacks on way. Arrive 10.30am, greet, cup of tea, get kids dressed, have lunch, leave at 3.30pm and home 9.30pm.

No way in Hell would I travel 6 hours just to spend 5 hours anywhere! I'd rather not go, 12 hours in a car for a 5 hour visit!

Original poster
Martacus · 01/11/2023 00:52

Catlady1978 · 30/10/2023 21:42

It is really unreasonable on your DH’s part - a long weekend after such a long drive is not unreasonable. I know how it feels -my DH can barely tolerate my mum coming for dinner once a week for a few hours despite her never having done anything to him 😞

@Catlady1978 I'm sorry that you have a similar situation 😔

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 01/11/2023 01:29

Your husband is at best controlling and at worst an abuser Your post is full of red flags

Weddingpuzzle · 01/11/2023 08:10

@Martacus thanks. It obviously didn't start out like that for me, it got very bad at the end, I don't really like to talk about it now but your post just struck a chord. It's such a horrible feeling to be caught between your parents and your husband like that. It used to make me feel so stressed and sick and deep down I knew it was wrong of him but you just do that thing in your mind where you shift to his position because it's the safest thing to do.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with it, I do understand. I was the archetypal boiled frog and before I knew it I was experiencing domestic abuse, and I was a social worker at the time, I should have recognised the signs so much earlier but by the time it was pointed out to me and I accepted it I was already getting injured and had lost hope. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do - if it's just a listening ear without judgement or to recount my experience I am here. I will always offer the option of 'Do you just want me to listen or do you want solutions'. Hope you are okay Flowers

saffronsoup · 01/11/2023 08:25

As long as you are fine with your husband making unilateral decision about who stays and for how long regardless of any objections you have - then go for it. If that is your marriage and there is no doubel standard and each can overule the other and make decisions they want without regard for their spouses preferences - then that is the kind of marriage you have. He can't complain about you doing things unilaterally without any regard for his feelings or preferences if he does the same and you accept that you get no say in what he decides.

Milliemoos5 · 01/11/2023 09:07

I’ve seen your previous threads where you have asked on a couple of occasions about whether you should leave your husband and your concerns about his financial behavior etc

he’s clearly not a good husband and this is yet another display of behavior by him which demonstrates that. He will not change; in fact his behavior will just escalate.

i think now is time to take to stock of the situation and start to make plans for leaving him ❤️

oneproudmumma · 01/11/2023 09:24

@Martacus this is textbook emotional abuse. It won't end well, whatever you do. He isn't a good person and you know this, you are asking us for validation.

I left my ex for similar reasons and I had a toddler and a baby at the time. It was the best decision I have ever made: I later met, and am now married to, an amazing husband. Life is too short to walk on eggshells.

Do you and your H have children together?

Whyohwhywyoming · 01/11/2023 14:43

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Let him go. I don’t like being threatened or manipulated, so I’d invite him to follow though on that. your husband is behaving very badly.

MrsZargon · 01/11/2023 16:22

I don’t know the full history and back story to this, and on the surface I do agree with the sentiment that your DH is being a controlling Pratt, but I do want to present an alternative viewpoint.

My DH and I moved into our first home when I was expecting our first child. My in-laws (lovely well meaning people) helped us with the house deposit which we were very grateful for. However, after baby arrived they were keen to visit all the time and as they also lived a 5 hr drive away would stay for several days at a time and sometimes would extend their stay up to a week. I found it very overwhelming at the time. My MIL only had sons so was very much used to being in control of the house and when she came to stay I would be made to feel like a guest in my own home. She literally took over. I would dread their visits, and came to really resent the money they had given us for the deposit as it made me feel that they had some sort of entitlement over my home. It wasn’t a very nice time for me looking back. Over time things got better, I became a bit more assertive and eventually we reached an equilibrium and I have a lovely relationship with them now. But that did take time!!! Is it possible your DH is feeling something similar here and his way of reacting is to blow up about it rather than talk it through?

Zanatdy · 01/11/2023 18:07

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:10

@CrotchetyQuaver the history is that my parents have been kind to both of us - they gave us money towards our house, and let us both live in their flat rent-free for a year. My husband took issue with my dad being 'interfering' about our wedding plans - and confronted him about it - but that was ages ago.

They contributed to the house and not even allowed to stay an extra day? I’d be putting my foot down. As you say your DH can go to the office or elsewhere - so rude

NearlyMonday · 01/11/2023 18:40

MrsZargon · 01/11/2023 16:22

I don’t know the full history and back story to this, and on the surface I do agree with the sentiment that your DH is being a controlling Pratt, but I do want to present an alternative viewpoint.

My DH and I moved into our first home when I was expecting our first child. My in-laws (lovely well meaning people) helped us with the house deposit which we were very grateful for. However, after baby arrived they were keen to visit all the time and as they also lived a 5 hr drive away would stay for several days at a time and sometimes would extend their stay up to a week. I found it very overwhelming at the time. My MIL only had sons so was very much used to being in control of the house and when she came to stay I would be made to feel like a guest in my own home. She literally took over. I would dread their visits, and came to really resent the money they had given us for the deposit as it made me feel that they had some sort of entitlement over my home. It wasn’t a very nice time for me looking back. Over time things got better, I became a bit more assertive and eventually we reached an equilibrium and I have a lovely relationship with them now. But that did take time!!! Is it possible your DH is feeling something similar here and his way of reacting is to blow up about it rather than talk it through?

I did wonder about this, but wasn’t brave enough to be the first poster to suggest it …. I will press “post” and hide.

Original poster
Martacus · 01/11/2023 19:08

That does sound tricky @MrsZargon but I don't think that my situation is too similar. My parents are very sensitive about not seeming to 'take over'. Your in-laws visited 'all the time', you say, but my husband has only seen my mum once this year, for a day (at a family wedding), and we're not seeing them this Christmas.

OP posts:
BeavisMcTavish · 01/11/2023 20:09

Martacus · 01/11/2023 19:08

That does sound tricky @MrsZargon but I don't think that my situation is too similar. My parents are very sensitive about not seeming to 'take over'. Your in-laws visited 'all the time', you say, but my husband has only seen my mum once this year, for a day (at a family wedding), and we're not seeing them this Christmas.

We only need to check any of the linked threads beneath this and its FULL of well meaning IN-LAWS where the Mrs is being told not to stand for going on holiday etc not to stand for long visits yet here we are having the vast majority advising to out your foot down.

me, I love my very well meaning in laws, but fuck spending up to 5 days in my house with them.

its seriously NOT unreasonable for it to be a hard no, but what IS u reasonable is not helping and supporting to problem solve a solution. (Which by the way is not you simply mandating YOUR way - makes you as bad)

MrsZargon · 01/11/2023 20:42

Martacus · 01/11/2023 19:08

That does sound tricky @MrsZargon but I don't think that my situation is too similar. My parents are very sensitive about not seeming to 'take over'. Your in-laws visited 'all the time', you say, but my husband has only seen my mum once this year, for a day (at a family wedding), and we're not seeing them this Christmas.

Yes that does sound different then. How long have you and DH been together? Does he have a relationship with your parents at all? Does he not like them? I think the way forward is to have an open discussion with him and try to get to the root of why he doesn’t want them to stay for the extra time. You need to make it clear to him that being in a relationship with you means he has to also have a relationship with your close family, it shouldn’t be an either/or situation. Most of us find in-laws a bit trying but at the end of the day they are your parents that you love and he should want to support and nurture that. What is the relationship with his parents like?

Stomacharmeleon · 01/11/2023 21:40

@BeavisMcTavish the 'Mrs'
Right.......

BeavisMcTavish · 01/11/2023 22:24

Stomacharmeleon · 01/11/2023 21:40

@BeavisMcTavish the 'Mrs'
Right.......

The female/ the DW / the Mrs / the lady.

do you actually have a point? Mine point is the woman is always advised NEVER to bow down to the In Laws, the Bloke or the Mr if you will, must accept the In laws as they’re lovely and never impose.

ALWAYS.

Lifeinlists · 01/11/2023 23:07

@BeavisMcTavish
me, I love my very well meaning in laws, but fuck spending up to 5 days in my house with them.

The feeling may well be mutual.

NearlyMonday · 01/11/2023 23:19

Lifeinlists · 01/11/2023 23:07

@BeavisMcTavish
me, I love my very well meaning in laws, but fuck spending up to 5 days in my house with them.

The feeling may well be mutual.

Finally a few posters have broken their cover to suggest that spending time with the in-laws can be a bit tricky

Lifeinlists · 01/11/2023 23:41

@NearlyMonday
I was just musing that @BeavisMcTavish's in-laws may find him a bit much too, given his disdain.

The OP has far bigger problems than her parents staying for a couple of extra nights. Their son- in-law appears to be the tricky one here.

saraclara · 01/11/2023 23:47

NearlyMonday · 01/11/2023 23:19

Finally a few posters have broken their cover to suggest that spending time with the in-laws can be a bit tricky

Show quote history

Lucky for OP's DH that his are seven hours away then. He barely ever has to see them, yet he kicks off about those rare occasions when he needs to. He won't tolerate then despite them having funded a chunk of the cost of his house, and giving him a rent free home for a year. What awful people he has to put up with 🙄

BeavisMcTavish · 02/11/2023 07:47

Lifeinlists · 01/11/2023 23:07

@BeavisMcTavish
me, I love my very well meaning in laws, but fuck spending up to 5 days in my house with them.

The feeling may well be mutual.

This is the point I’m sure it is. it’s a huge encroachment of space.

the point being everyone’s ‘own’ parents are lovely and no one can understand how anyone doesn’t want to spend lengths of time with them.

however the same people say the opposite about their in laws.

BIossomtoes · 02/11/2023 09:15

Huge encroachment of space? For four nights? Seriously? 🙄

Sexnotgender · 02/11/2023 16:27

BIossomtoes · 02/11/2023 09:15

Huge encroachment of space? For four nights? Seriously? 🙄

That is a little dramatic. 4 days is reasonable. My in-laws would come for 3 weeks 😭

betterangels · 02/11/2023 16:52

He,sounds a twat, so you should probably leave. However, I wouldn't be keen to have in-laws in my home for that long. Difference is I wouldn't have stayed with them either. So he's unreasonable for that.