Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

[Martacus]

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

My husband has to put up with my parents for 2 weeks every 6 months (400 miles away.)

His we see about once a month for a weekend as only 2 hours away.

Have looked into moving my parents closer (only child) once they retire but sadly our work and friends don’t exist where they live and the house price difference is too much.

(they live in 2 bed semi in a nice area of town for £200k and I live in the southeast.)

if he did follow through then its a win either way

This.

so your dad emailed some wedding venue suggestions, then stopped when you asked him to?

and your DH thinks that’s enough reason to take a dislike?

This is very controlling behaviour. Please reconsider your marriage when he disappears off to a hotel for a week.

Sorry OP but your husband sounds extremely controlling and seems to be trying to isolate you and keep you from having real time/contact with your parents. You know what you want is not unreasonable in the slightest and shouldn’t require ‘permission’. He sounds like he is gaslighting you also. This does not sound like a healthy relationship at all.

It is really unreasonable on your DH’s part - a long weekend after such a long drive is not unreasonable. I know how it feels -my DH can barely tolerate my mum coming for dinner once a week for a few hours despite her never having done anything to him 😞

Is that 7 hours including the breaks, or 7 hours just the travel. Either way it is a long way for just a weekend. 3 days is nothing if they live that far away from you, very strange behaviour by your husband. Neither of you should have to ask permission.

It is 3 full day, arrive on Thursday night, be there Friday sat and Sunday and leave first thing on Monday, so 3 full days and 4 nights. Does not equate to 5 full days.

Your husband sounds like a very controlling wanker.

It’s your house too, so tell him to take a hike.

Perhaps suggest that you and they stay in a hotel for Thursday / Friday night to point out how unreasonable he is being. Saying you can’t discuss it is controlling behaviour. The wedding interference isn’t something that should still be grating and is not relevant. It doesn’t sound like Dad did anything wrong (normal parental behaviour!)
Tell him to arrange a boys night out (or solo cinema ticket if, as I suspect, he has no friends)on Thursday and to go to the office Friday and he will barely see them for this extra time.
I do limit my in laws stays but they live an hour away and could just come for lunch tbh. They have done a lot worse than your dad in their time!

My DH wanted to move 5 hrs from my family. I made it very clear that if he wanted to be that far away then we would be buying a bigger house to accommodate them for reasonable periods of time. He would have to accept them for a week or 2 at a time. That was the deal. It is MY house as well as his. My family are sweet and kind like yours and have welcomed him into our family. The day he tries to tell me my family are not welcome more than a day or 2, which like you would not make it worth them coming, I would move back again.

Unless your parents are difficult or nasty people then he doesn’t get to dictate whether your family come to stay in your house. He’s not the boss of you. The problem is whether after fighting it out with him, he would make them feel very unwelcome?

Has he managed to explain at all why it's such a big deal, and why it's "a torture" even to talk about it? It just sounds so incredibly over the top.

Because he's a controlling, emotionally and financially abusive man?

He doesn't have reasons. Trying to be logical, to suggest compromises etc does not work with men like this. He is saying no because he wants her separated from her family and there is no way therefore that she can agree some sort of compromise with him.

I suspect he also doesn't want them around while he's at work - she might tell them the truth about their relationship or they might spot the issues.

Tell your DH to either grow up or book into a hotel for three nights. He sounds like an horrible man and I wouldn’t put up with him telling me ‘no way’. It’s your house too and it’s one extra day!

Tell him to have a nice week outside the house and invite your parents for the entire 7 days if he says he’s doing that! 🤷‍♀️

Let him leave for 7 days. How unreasonable he sounds

You have had a lot of useful responses - are any of them in any way useful? I think you probably need a great deal of support. Mumsnetters are here to help - tell us what's REALLY going on 💐

You have posted before about his behaviour and you being unsure about his behaviour, this is just another example of his unreasonable behaviour. He knows it anc I imagine he doesn’t want you alone with people who will support you. Tell him they are coming and you have packed his bag for his 7 night stay away. Use the time to talk to your parents and work out next steps. Best of luck.

@Martacus, what are you thinking about it all today? Have you spoken to your H again to read him the riot act?

To be honest my in-laws have to come over from Ireland to visit and I can’t stand them for any more than two nights. You would also class them as helpful but they just disrupt routines too much and are generally irritating . My husband also struggles having them over too.

I imagine he doesn’t want you alone with people who will support you

I agree with this. I hope he does leave, even if just for a bit. Please tell them everything, @Martacus.

I think that we lost the OP.

You've posted several threads about him in the last month.

Sounds like this is further evidence that you need to leave him.

@Martacus - you have a lot on your plate, but this might be helpful:

https://www.shortform.com/pdf/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-lundy-bancroft

(The full version can also be found online)

Thank you everyone. I have told my parents they can come from Thursday to Monday. I haven't been able to talk to my husband about it yet - to tell them that's what's happening - but I will do this week.

I don't think his intention is to isolate me, because he's happy for me to see people outside of the house. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, so I don't think he'd be too worried by what I'd tell my parents - or anyone else.

Some posters have mentioned some of my other posts from a while ago, about my husband being cagey about money and shouting a lot. He did show me his statements in the end and he wasn't really hiding anything. He also promised not to raise his voice again (he has tried not to but things still get heated when we disagree).

Thanks again everyone. It's very helpful to know others agree with me that he's being very unfair.

This is very true.