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Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
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5
Totalwasteofpaper · 30/10/2023 07:01

Laura401 · 30/10/2023 00:59

The kids are safe and well - I work abroad and often for periods at a time. Some of this was in North Africa. My mum cares for them as well. The relationship was not physically abusive- but very controlling. The kids and I have a good relationship- they have said on a number of occasions how much happier they are now. I'm certainly not dumping them to go off 'shagging my toy boy' as you put it. Not everyone's lives are conventional. My children have spent time living abroad with me and my ex for work reasons so they are pretty cultured and have some understanding of the world. I'm making this point because it seems like you think I'm jetting off ok my jollies. They have been with me a couple of times but were introduced to my boyfriend as a friend. I have a lot of friends over there and they know this too.

Your kids have met him?????

Jesus you need to give your head a wobble.

You have 3 teenage kids coming out of an abusive marriage.
They need stability.

I am honestly flabbergasted at women who behave like this.

He 10 years older than your son.
He doesn't love you this is a transactional relationship/ scam. He is looyto teel you on slowly.

I feel so sorry for your kids.
Like I said you should delete and block this man.

Dotcheck · 30/10/2023 07:05

OP
If you want to quote someone’s post, hit the three buttons on the top right, then ‘quote’ . Otherwise you can’t tell who you are responding to

Gifflon · 30/10/2023 07:06

@Laura401

”Things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible”.

It sounds like you want to move on to
a next level - and I’m wondering what that next level would be? I think - deep
down - ‘spending as much time together as possible’ - means a move of country? If not, then what does it involve? And you seem to be in a rose tinted phase of ‘this is crazy, this is so unconventional, I can be different, I can make this work”.
Are his qualifications, earnings etc similar to yours? Where does he live? Have you been to his house? You say he is a graphic designer, and he has done free work for you…was there a high level of skill involved in completing the work? It feels a bit strange that he should do free work for you, or that this could a way to lower your defences/make you feel indebted.

I think you REALLY need to consider his motives, and think about what’s in it for him. I think you need to take on board the views of your children and loved ones, and don’t dismiss if they try to warn you that you may be falling into a trap.

I think there will be a slow creep of ‘moving to the next level’ which you need to very, very carefully consider.

Has he discussed his future dreams? Has he discussed his views on children/wanting a family?

It sounds to me - way too risky, the ‘being together’ has to involve a change of country/supporting financially that person who moves ‘until they find their feet’. Every person in that situation will convince themselves ‘it’s different for me’. Every person who has been scammed in this type of scenario would be having exactly the same thought processes of ‘I can make this work, this is so crazy and unconventional’ - only to have their trust shattered.

Rewis · 30/10/2023 07:17

Why not? If youre not sending money, acting as any type of visa sponsor, getting married, having kids and happy for it to be a long distance relationship. Enjoy the holiday romance while it lasts. I'm not sure what domed means in this instance? If you want be legally and financially invested then it will likely just stop working wither because he wants that to happen or there is a natural end.

My FIL is married to a Maroccan woman. They met by being pencils. They got married, she moved to UK and have been married to 35ish years now. She's 10 years younger than he is.

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 07:24

Just go with the flow, you’re being sensible at the moment but I predict things will change next year when either or both of you want more. Life’s too short not to take chances. You’ve been around the block, you know yourself and you know there’s a genuine connection there. Wishing you all the best for it and keep on having fun.

Wheresthebeach · 30/10/2023 07:31

Doomed and a scam. Once you know his family the money request will be for an emergency with his parents or relatives- he won’t ask for himself.
just stop OP and get therapy to deal with the trauma of an abusive relationship

Wishimaywishimight · 30/10/2023 07:34

Currently watching 90 Day Fiance - The Other Way where 67 year old Debbie is off to live with her 28 year old Moroccan boyfriend. It's lovely, they have a 'special connection'. Her son begged her not to go but she has to 'follow her heart'.

It's quite sad to watch.

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 07:43

@Gifflon Your post is oddly dramatic. And are you suggesting people from Morocco don’t work as graphic designers?

RinklyRomaine · 30/10/2023 07:46

I'll offer a different perspective. I have an old friend who met a man from a similar country. She was young, but extremely overweight and insecure. A lot of people worried for her just as they worry for you, but she knew her heart and had to take the chance.

Yes, they married. Yes they are together and yes, I think he genuinely loves her. They live here and have children. BUT. He hates her working (loved and supported it before marriage), their children are being brought up to his specifications. He spends many weeks of the year at 'home' with his family while she stays behind with the kids. She doesn't fit in with his family while her children do. He works absolutely insane hours so she doesn't have to work and still sends a large amount 'home' so they are broke. She attends family and friend events alone, spends most days and evenings alone, as outside friends aren't well tolerated. She parents mostly alone by his rules. She's 'happy'.

Maybe it's not always a scam but there are plenty of pitfalls.

Uniquuue · 30/10/2023 07:48

Oh dearie me. I hope it works out better than I'm expecting.

Farmageddon · 30/10/2023 07:54

OP you keep saying you have a 'genuine connection', but what does that actually mean, given you only spend time with him for a few weeks abroad, away from your real life with your children and yo don't really know him.

It sounds more like lust and flattery - which is fine, but it does sound as though you are emotionally invested in him. Unfortunately, this is what he wants - be prepared for the family health crisis or emergency in the next few months or years where he needs you to send him money. And you may already feel like you owe him because he has done work for you.

Also, you keep contradicting yourself - you said that you think he loves you, and called him your boyfriend, but then say it's just a friendship.
I think you are afraid to admit how much you want this to be a real relationship, because the rational part of your brain knows that it can never work out the way you want it to. Ask yourself honestly what you can give a 28 year old man that he cannot get from a woman his own age? He probably wants marriage and children, he cannot have them with you. So what does he get out of this (if you don't really think it's the prospect of a visa or money)?

Please protect yourself by stepping back a bit, enjoy the flattery but don't think this is anything more than that - otherwise you will end up hurt.

You said: whatever happens (and believe me, it will end the way I want it to)
But you have no control over how it ends....and you will get hurt , even if you don't give him any money or marry him, as you are already invested in this 'friendship' and would be hurt if he dropped you or cut contact. The more time you spend on him, the less time you spend looking for someone who you can actually have a future with.

MadeleineMummy · 30/10/2023 08:01

I have a friend who met a Thai man while backpacking in SE Asian after an abusive marriage. The man was around 18 years younger and younger than her children. He is in the UK now and she told me that he is a good man. He works as a carpenter and when he says he is coming home, he comes home. He doesn’t spend his money in the pub but seems to want to send it to his family (not her money but the money he makes). He is always with her cooking, and makes some (very spicy) but delicious Thai food all the time. He still buys her flowers and is romantic. The kids are OK with him. One thing is he always has his relatives over such as his sisters, cousins or mother and her house is always full of his relatives. I don’t think it is a massive thing but he is family orientated but I think he wants to help his whole family to come over.

currently one sister is at a language school and another came over and is going to get married to a man here. They are both lovely and they massage my friend’s back and feet, clean her house and help her but her small place is very crowded all the time.

HarlanPepper · 30/10/2023 08:02

There's a lot of racism and misogyny in some of these responses, many of which ignore some salient, repeatedly stated information:

She doesn't want to get married
She has made it clear she won't help him move to the UK (if this is what he even wants, which he hasn't said)
He is a financially independent professional.

The age difference is significant but not so very unusual - she is 45, not 67 as a previous respondent said! I also don't find it worrying that she's introduced him, as a friend, to her teenaged children, given that they've been in a relationship for a year and a half now, not a two week holiday.

I don't know whether it's going to work out for you both, OP, but it does sound like you are being cautious. The cultural gap and age difference are the two factors which would give me pause if I were in your situation but it doesn't sound like they're a problem for you both.

TodayInahurry · 30/10/2023 08:02

We wants to marry you to get to live in the UK. They usually leave after that

HarlanPepper · 30/10/2023 08:03

Uniquuue · 30/10/2023 07:48

Oh dearie me. I hope it works out better than I'm expecting.

Be honest, no you don't. You'd be delighted it if worked out like you're expecting.

jojonono · 30/10/2023 08:03

sorry OP but the post title alone made me think "this woman has been had".

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 08:04

But you have no control over how it ends

Oh give me a break! OP is an intelligent woman of 45 years. She has agency and has said she doesn’t want to get married and won’t be giving him money!

Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:05

Well why not op? All sounds good to me. Just do what makes you happy.

MadeleineMummy · 30/10/2023 08:07

MadeleineMummy · 30/10/2023 08:01

I have a friend who met a Thai man while backpacking in SE Asian after an abusive marriage. The man was around 18 years younger and younger than her children. He is in the UK now and she told me that he is a good man. He works as a carpenter and when he says he is coming home, he comes home. He doesn’t spend his money in the pub but seems to want to send it to his family (not her money but the money he makes). He is always with her cooking, and makes some (very spicy) but delicious Thai food all the time. He still buys her flowers and is romantic. The kids are OK with him. One thing is he always has his relatives over such as his sisters, cousins or mother and her house is always full of his relatives. I don’t think it is a massive thing but he is family orientated but I think he wants to help his whole family to come over.

currently one sister is at a language school and another came over and is going to get married to a man here. They are both lovely and they massage my friend’s back and feet, clean her house and help her but her small place is very crowded all the time.

They have been together for over 10 years. She is late 50’s and he early 40’s. They are building a place in Thailand to retire to.

Farmageddon · 30/10/2023 08:08

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 08:04

But you have no control over how it ends

Oh give me a break! OP is an intelligent woman of 45 years. She has agency and has said she doesn’t want to get married and won’t be giving him money!

My point is that she is emotionally invested in this guy and he could absolutely just ghost her if he chose to, which he may well do if he realises that there is no prospect of marriage in the future.

Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 08:10

Does anyone really believe in "love conquers all" once they are past their twenties? I don't.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/10/2023 08:13

My grannie always said that the re ipe for success in marriage (relationships nowadays) is same:

Class
Religion
Politics
Nationality
Values

With a difference of one, the relationship always prevailed, with two it became difficult, with three impossible.

It's a wise approach.

Apossum · 30/10/2023 08:13

Of course it’s doomed (and there are definitely red flags, you’re just choosing to ignore them), you’re in totally different life stages, your kids aren’t impressed with the whole thing and have been through a lot already, I expect it’ll work out that you want very different things from this relationship, you’re very long distance, you’re at odds culturally, you only spend a very short amount of time together at a time… it’s not looking great. All that being said, if you are serious about sticking to your guns re giving him money or marrying, then I guess stay as you are. If it’s making you happy for now, then that’s your call. I wouldn’t expect happily ever after tho.

Dwappy · 30/10/2023 08:15

My friend met a younger guy in Jamaica years ago. She was 40 and he was 28. (Not a HUGE gap really i know). He went to great lengths to tell her to be careful of Jamaican men as they just want a rich British/American/whatever else woman to pay for them and give them entry to another country. He explained all their tactics to her so she could watch out for them. She was very thankful to him for being so nice and caring and watching out for her. She liked pointing out that he obviously wasn't one of those men or he wouldn't be telling her to be careful etc. So she married him 6 months later and paid thousands for him to come to the UK. Where he then didn't work while she worked hard supporting him. Then he promptly left for another (younger) woman who it turns out he had a 1 year old with.

TravellingLightToday · 30/10/2023 08:18

OP, the odds are not in your favour. For a scam to work, the victim must be unaware, at least at the onset. On first presentation, this may well be you right now, thinking you have a genuine connection, no red flags at all, children generally accepting of tour relationship etc. He may just be a very good actor playing to your very human needs for love and connection. You are vulnerable after your last relationship. So are your children.

You desparately want someone to tell you this will end well, but how can it? From what you say, there is no future for this relationship. And if the prospect of a future comes up, be very wary.

Sorry to be another doomsdayer on your thread.